You can't come to my birthday party!

Discussion in 'General Education' started by moonbeamsinajar, Mar 14, 2008.

  1. moonbeamsinajar

    moonbeamsinajar Habitué

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    Mar 14, 2008

    The new thing in my classroom is to tell someone "You can't come to my birthday party!" It is making me crazy. It is not even like someone is planning a party... these birthdays are months away (like in October!). It is just something they seem to say to be mean. Then I hear, "Teacher, she said I could not come to her party!" over and over again! Today I actually banned speaking about birthdays!!:eek: Any one have any suggestions?
     
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  3. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    That's all you can do is ban the talk about parties or birthdays.
     
  4. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    Ugh...hate that. Often accompanied with I won't be your friend anymore. I agree with CutNglue: ban it.

    oops. I meant to say do all the normal its not nice, and friendship stuff too.
     
  5. cMcD

    cMcD Groupie

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    The kids at our school can't bring in invitations or talk about birthday parties. They have to mail invitations or deliver them outside of school. Ban the talk!
     
  6. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Little stinkers!

    Yes, ban the talk. Little control freaks.
     
  7. RainStorm

    RainStorm Phenom

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    I think I'd be in trouble, because I would march right over to the offender and say, "If Billy can't come to your party, then I'm not coming either! And if you are being mean to Billy, I'm not inviting you to my birthday party either!" So nah!

    (I think the advice about banning birthday talk is right on the money!)
     
  8. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    LOL Rainstorm!
     
  9. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    RainStorm, I can picture myself doing the same thing. :lol:
     
  10. shouldbeasleep

    shouldbeasleep Enthusiast

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    I'm sorry, but this post is making me laugh! It is mean and hateful, but really! I'm afraid I'd laugh out loud at the kid doing the banning and say something rude, like "I doubt she wants to go, what with your mean attitude."

    But no. Everyone is right. Be nice and just tell them that no one is going to be having any more birthdays if they keep it up...:lol:
     
  11. blessedhands

    blessedhands Comrade

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    The visuals are hilarious!!!:lol::lol::lol:

    Definately ban the birthday topic and also teach the importance of sharing may be that would help.

    kids :lol:
     
  12. cheeryteacher

    cheeryteacher Enthusiast

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    You could be mean and tell them their mom told you they weren't having a birthday party this year.
    Or you could turn up you're nose and say "Why would ANYONE want to go to YOUR party."
    Or you could throw a party on the same day and invite all of her friends.

    Or not. I would probably tell them that it's rude to tell someone they aren't invited to something (especially if they didn't ask.) And then tell them they can't talk about birthday parties.
     
  13. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    We have the same thing with "You're not my friend anymore." I could see the joy of this threat was the control it gives over the ex-friend. When kids tell me,right in front of the offender, "Mary said she's not my friend anymore!!!" I get close and look in their eyes and say, "That is very mean. Why would you WANT to be friends with someone that mean? Look at all the nice kids around here - go find a nice kid to be your friend." They all usually get it. Sad kid goes off and has fun with someone else, and big shot now is sad.

    We do have a school rule that if you bring invitations to school you have to invite all the kids, or all the boys/girls. One day a kid brought invitations for all the boys except 2. I questioned the child and felt really awkward, but managed to say very gently, "The rule at our school is if you bring invitations to school, you have to include everyone. You need to put all the invitations in your backpack and mail them from home." He goes,"I knew that was the rule. My mom said to try it anyway."

    I was all worried about hurting his feelings and here his mom was behind it all!!
     
  14. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Kids are so fickle, they'll be best friends next week.
     
  15. emmyblemmy

    emmyblemmy Companion

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    Our kids can't bring invites to school unless they're inviting the whole class.
     
  16. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    Umm. . . ignore it.

    What you're trying to do, really, is legislate being nice to each other. While it's great if the class can be nice to each other, banning talk of birthdays is the wrong approach to this. If they want to be mean, they'll find another way.
     
  17. blessedhands

    blessedhands Comrade

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    :lol::lol::lol:Kids say the darnest things:lol::lol:
     
  18. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    I actually tend to agree with 3Sons... I think we all had this happen to us as kids, and we made it through alright.

    What I often do though when someone comes up to me and says "Suzie says she doesn't want to be my friend anymore," is I ask them why they would want to be friends with someone who is mean to them... Most can understand... I've known some kindergarten kids that didn't understand that though... they just kind of gave me a blank stare, and went back to playing :lol:
     
  19. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Nice to see you back, dfleming!
     
  20. cheeryteacher

    cheeryteacher Enthusiast

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    Sometimes mean kids are hard to ignore. Especially if you have kids crying to you over and over.
     
  21. moonbeamsinajar

    moonbeamsinajar Habitué

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    Well, now that I have banned talking about birthdays, I have children tattling, "Teacher, He talked about birthdays!" Sigh.
     
  22. moonbeamsinajar

    moonbeamsinajar Habitué

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    Also heard one little boy today on the playground say to his classmates, "You scream like a girl!" I guess they will find a way to be mean, no matter what!
     
  23. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    yes moonbeams...I think your bigger issue is tattling.....at least it sounds like that to me..

    one day its birthdays, next day its getting picked for baseball team, or sitting next to you on the bus, or standing next to you/sitting next to you in lunch. friends come and go when you are 4-8.

    and 40!

    that being said...find the culprits, giving them the business...that should nip it in the bud..

    keep in mind, the real culprits may be parents...

    I had lots of programs that banned invitations being brought to school. if you were not inviting the whole class, you had to mail it to them or hand it out before, after school. Just like valentines...we sent home a roster and if you gave them out, you had to give one to EVERYBODY.

    some kids and parents breed this discontent...power struggle, I say. Don't let it bother you. Tell them you have bigger problems. Nobody is hurt, or bleeding..don't bother you.

    ask them if they are ready for their test.

    that should do it!

    or send them all outside to play...

    change the subject...

    you will see the culprit will have to find something else to claim

    YOU can't get in the sandbox with me...

    again..find out who starts the mess, and tell them... 1 teacher in this room..you are not it.

    bigger issue..tattling is controlling, and can lead to bullying...

    Be my friend or else!
     
  24. moonbeamsinajar

    moonbeamsinajar Habitué

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    masterprek, you are so right. The tattling is a big issue this year. I have one boy who tattles constantly, and then tries to argue with me that he is not tattling. :eek: It makes me crazy, and I really try not to listen to it. And you know, the kids that are being the meanest, I can just see them being the classroom bullies in 3 or 4 years, unless I can work to change things now! Maybe I need to work more on a sense of community or something. I do try to notice the positive things when they happen, and ignore what I can. Why can't we all just get along...whether 4 or 40?;)
     
  25. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I had that issue last year. My job was to cover other classes, and do paperwork, so this little guy was not around me all day. But when I was in his room, he was a royal pain in the butt! He literally went out of his way to monitor the whole room (thought that was MY job!), and if you as much dropped a cherrio out of your cereal bowl, he was screaming his lungs off! "Teacher! He, She...." And would stand there until you did something or said something!

    He was very bright, and had young parents who spoiled terribly. Mom saw the light, Dad thought it was funny. He questioned everything, and commented to everyone. He saw no boundaries.

    Biggest issue was he liked to tease people. Primarly, the biggest toughest kids (because he thought they were much slower than he was). Needless to say, they 'whupped his behind', and always in full view of my parents, dropping kids off during the beginning of the day! Then he would whine, and cry and the parents would try to come in and take over my class! :mad: Seems like he got off on being hurt, and then getting adults to listen to him! :( Would tease people, get punched, and run and cry for attention. That was really dumb on his part, as the kids in this class threw chairs, and people!

    yes, this was preschool!

    To make matters worse, he had a young teacher, and she treated him like the ultimate teacher's pet. :eek: She let him do everything (line leader, clean off tables, etc.), every day. And when he tattled, she stopped what she was doing, and as he watched with a grin like the Grinch, and sure enough, she would, get on that kid for doing wrong.

    Of course, HE could do no wrong.

    One day, he got out of hand, and she almost lost it. This is what happens when you give kids too much control. She tried to take him out the room, and yes, he talked back the whole time.

    He tried it with me, and I wasn't having it! ;) I put him in another room, and he had the nerve to tell me, "I don't like that!" I said, "I don't care what you like or don't like. I am your teacher, not a child! He kept on! "My teacher said, I should tell people when they do things I don't like!" I said, that only goes for kids! Adults have the right to make decisions and I have decided you need to get out of my room this morning..GOODBYE!

    Nip it in the bud Moon! Tattling can can spread like mold, and does just as much damage!!! :unsure:
     
  26. TeacherSandra

    TeacherSandra Enthusiast

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    You took the words out of my mouth, Bonneb. This also puts the "crier" in control of what he/she wants to do. Good!
     
  27. TeacherSandra

    TeacherSandra Enthusiast

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    We have a teacher like that at our school; she has this one kid who stands by the "color" chart and changes colors on the kids who are noisy~of course, it's his judgement on who's noisy~I really detest this, because this teacher uses her same favorite kid daily to do this; anyhow, I walked right by him and asked him when he was going to change HIS color. He just smiled.
     
  28. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    BTW...not meaning to offend any young teachers or parents!!

    just thought I put that out there :)



    this comes under bullying, character, and ethics too...

    How many of us have been totally embarassed when a child said something that was correct, but at the wrong place, or at the wrong time, to the wrong person?

    That is the difference between a 4 year old and the rest of us! They have the power and knowledge, but don't have the wisdom and judgement.

    Just like when you let somebody have the right-of-way. You could jump in the intersection if you want to...because you are right...but would you???

    We need to help kids learn this. Tattlers must understand telling is different from tattling. Teach them by saying, "If he is bothering you, tell him, not me!" or, "If nobody is hurt, I don't want to know about it, let them figure it out!" Finally, "What does this have to do with YOU?" "If this story does not have YOUR name in it, I don't want to hear it." You know the rules, and you are following them, thank you. Now, leave her alone, and let her figure them out!"

    A few Cherrios on the table does not require my assistance. Period, end of discussion.
     
  29. kburen

    kburen Cohort

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    I have the "you can't come to my birthday" thing too. It's turned all crazy in here about it. I told them to stop talking about birthdays....that didn't work. Now I'm just mean and tell them they don't want to go to their birthday anyway if they're being mean to them. Or I say then don't invite them to yours either. They seem happy enough with those answers and i don't hear complaints again....until the next day when it starts all over!
     
  30. Christine3

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    Make it a rule: If a student brings in invitations they have to invite everyone in the class. Same goes if they talk about the party. If they mailed the invitations out to a selective group that is different, no words can be said. Have a talk with the parents to encourage their kids.
     
  31. teacherstudent1

    teacherstudent1 Companion

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    We have the same rule: no party invitations given at school.

    And here's a bit of medical trivia:

    The brain is born to imitate what it experiences in its environment. This is why babies imitate facial expressions, speech, and the physical behaviors of their parents. As the brain matures it develops the ability to make reasoned choices and refrain from this natural tendency to imitate. The impulse control areas of the brain are not complete until somewhere around 20, so it is no wonder that when one child tattles/teases/bullies, we see others imitating the behaviors, even the kids who are the target.

    I have taken the approach that those whom I catch doing something nice/polite/kind get the opportunity to be the helpers. I would make this clear at the beginning of the year so all of the kids knew that if they wanted to be the office runner or help pass out papers or whatever, they would need to demonstrate positive interactions with others.

    If someone did something kind for another, they would get praise (usually a simple comment). At the end of the day I chose the helpers for the next day. The idea is develop positive personality traits that will carry over from just that moment, and it worked very well. The kids would look for opportunities to help and encourage each other, and me!
     
  32. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Moonbeamsinajar, here's what my MT did, which I really appreciated... One kid has tons of charisma and basically had all of the boys in class around his finger. He would say to one, "I quit your friend," and everyone would leave that kid and not play with him. It became a problem, so the teacher had the whole class sit in the meeting circle. She explained that everyone in the room has an amount of power, and that lots of them were giving their power to someone else. That person never asked for their power, they just freely gave it to him, and like anyone would, he started to use the extra power to get whatever he wanted. It wasn't his fault they gave him power, it was a choice the givers made. Then she asked why someone might give over their power to someone else. This is a Kinder-1st class, and some of the answers were amazing. "You might feel like you don't have power alone, but if you get close to the one with it, a little might go to you." "I want him to like me." "He's so fun to play with, I want him to play with me."

    Long story short, the end result was that the charismatic boy was not allowed to Quit anyone's Friend (their language for it), and everyone else was encouraged to make a different choice and keep their power. If the boy said those words (I quit your friend), the others were coached to say, "I don't play that game," and walk away. That's what it is, a power game, and this is the first of many times these kids will face the same situation.
     
  33. moonbeamsinajar

    moonbeamsinajar Habitué

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    That's very good advice, TeacherShelly. I really like the way it is worded- giving power away. I may try a similar discussion if the time away over Spring Break has not solved the problem.
     
  34. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    yeah, the "I'm not your friend." line comes out anytime somebody doesn't like what is going on. It happens so fast, the victim usually doesn't know what to say or do..so they cry.

    But a few tough cookies will say, "SO!"

    When I hear it, I say, "That's okay, I am still your friend, and you have lots of other friends."
     
  35. moonbeamsinajar

    moonbeamsinajar Habitué

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    I guess what bothers me is that my kiddos are 4's turning 5 years old. How do they get to be so mean so young? It's always the same kids too, who are being mean. :(
     
  36. TemperanceFaith

    TemperanceFaith Comrade

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    Kids go through this phase. Right about at the 1st/2nd grade mark in my parental experience. It is happening in my son's class right now and he is in 2nd.

    They are not allowed to discuss their parties in school, or do the invitations there. The teacher does have an in class celebration for each child and the parent can bring in a healthy snack to share on their special day; summer birthdays are celebrated at the half year mark so they get their turn too.
    The only control is in the classroom. You can't control what they say to one another at recess, but by restricting party discussions in the classroom, you at least can limit the damage and hurt feelings.
     
  37. TemperanceFaith

    TemperanceFaith Comrade

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    Wow, that is what I get for not reading all the posts. 4 and 5 years old?

    It could be some of them have siblings, which sometimes has them growing up faster (in good ways and in bad), and kids as a whole are maturing faster. But teaching good manners also starts at home, and maybe if you tell the parents about what is going on, they can talk to their children about not hurting feelings,etc. You can reinforce this in the classroom as well, by letting them role play in different ways to see how it feels; maybe this might bring about some empathy, though at their age level, it is going to be a little tough,but not impossible.
     
  38. Dzenna

    Dzenna Groupie

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    I have this issue in my class every year. The first half of the year is"you are not coming to my birthday party". This has nothing to do with parties or invitations. There are no parties scheduled.

    The second half of the year, they become more verbal and progress to "clubs". We all have PB&J sandwiches in our lunch so we are in the PB&J club, or the blue shoes club, or any club.

    Both are exclusion/inclusion power issues. Banning talk of birthdays will only bring up exclusion/inclusion in other areas. I just address it point blank. We have a class rule that we cannot be hurtful, only helpful. I ask, "Is it helpful or hurtful to tell Suzie she is not going to your party/ or in your PB&J club? That must make her fell left out and sad. Suzie, How do you feel? What can you do to be helpful?"

    Sometimes my 4 year olds can't express their anger so they say "You are not coming to my birthday party" to express anger. If that's the case, I'll say "Little Suzie made your really mad when she took your toy, didn't she? Tell her she she made you mad when she did that." It teaches them a better way to express anger instead of exclusion.

    Sometimes, I'll do role playing with puppets during whole group time.
     
  39. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    practice makes perfect...
    you hear it, you see the results
    and you do it and get the same thing

    I always wondered what starts off biters!

    who does that nonsense? I came in on the tail in of The Nanny and she had a family full of biters!

    not to hijack..but I believe in behaviorism...all behavior is learned!
     
  40. moonbeamsinajar

    moonbeamsinajar Habitué

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    You are probably right. How does that go ... children live what they learn?
     
  41. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Yeah but I mean, sheesh! If I am not being too graphic, let me guess... A baby bites mom when nursing, and mom says, NO, and stops. Then he learns biting hurts? So when he's running around getting in trouble, mom come up and grabs his hand and says no, and he bites her hand? She jumps and let's him go!

    where else could they learn that biting hurts?

    this is why I can't teach 2s!

    :rolleyes: among other reasons...
     

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