Why do men leave the women they love for another women?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Aspiringinstruc, May 17, 2014.

  1. Aspiringinstruc

    Aspiringinstruc Rookie

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    May 17, 2014

    I was in a relationship with a guy for 7 years. I met him in the 11th grade in high school. I am now a college graduate and just finished my 1st year of teaching. I noticed that things started changing...he started working out more and caring about being buff....hanging with his guy friends more and not wanting to spend time with me as much...he promised me marriage...I have been depressed for the past two weeks over this....why do men allow women to mess up what they have???? Yes we argued here and there but he used that as the excuse of why we were breaking up...I just don't believe that's the reason he wanted to leave... I know its another girl....can any men or women explain why this is?:(
     
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  3. AdamnJakesMommy

    AdamnJakesMommy Habitué

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    May 17, 2014

    Well, I married my first love and we are still together today, it will be 10 years total this September. I know he loves me, he has never and would never cheat on me. That's how you know it's love. The person is there beside you through thick and thin, would never abandon you, and will grow old with you. I don't know for certain, but my sneaking suspicion is that he only believed he was in love with you. Or he was in love with you and chose to "fall out of love" with you. But if he was still in love with you, he wouldn't have left.

    And for the record, my husband and I fight too. That doesn't make us cheat nor leave each other.

    My advice? Grieve over your loss but be grateful this happened now and not after you were married. You will move on and you will love again.
     
  4. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

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    May 17, 2014

    I am so sorry you're going through this. I've seen this happen to a lot of my friends (both male and female).

    I, too, have been on the receiving end of this (being broken up with when I thought everything was perfectly fine), but the experience made me a stronger person. I'm currently with someone who I know is the right person for me. I'm actually happy that I went through the heartache I experienced because I ended up meeting a great guy!
     
  5. TnKinder

    TnKinder Companion

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    May 17, 2014

    Happened to me

    The same thing happened to me. My high school sweetheart broke up with me at the end of my first year teaching, two months before our wedding. It wasn't for another girl, it was for all the girls. We had not dated anyone else for 6 years, half of high school and all of college. It was very painful, but it was the best thing that happened to me. A few years later, I married my husband who was a friend from high school.
    I know you are hurting, but you have to know that if someone really loves you they won't look for greener pastures. He wouldn't let another come between the two of you.
     
  6. Aspiringinstruc

    Aspiringinstruc Rookie

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    May 17, 2014

    Thanks for the advice. So you all never broke up with your significant others? I keep wondering if we could ever work again in the future.
     
  7. creativemonster

    creativemonster Comrade

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    May 17, 2014

    Ohhhh, My heart goes out to you. This is hard. Let yourself grieve. Surround yourself with supportive female friends who will help you get through this and help you see what a loss this is for the guy who left and NOT for you. It might not feel good for a while yet. Do you keep a journal? I've been through two pretty painful break ups. One of them later became a friend - the other did not. I am now very happily married (to neither of them) and am so thankful I am not with either of the other two. Whose to say what will happen in the future - maybe it will all work out with him, or maybe not. Be kind to yourself and open to change. build up your support system of friends who love you and will help you see yourself as independently spectacular. Tears and chocolate are acceptable, as is dancing until dawn - whatever works for you. just as long as you remain open to the unexpected and new. Hugs.
     
  8. Aspiringinstruc

    Aspiringinstruc Rookie

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    May 17, 2014

    @creativemonster your message seriously just made me smile thank you!
     
  9. creativemonster

    creativemonster Comrade

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    May 17, 2014

    smiling is good!
    oops - Just reread my message - I mean "who is" or "who's" apparently what I teach goes out the window on the weekend!
    oh and ps: I was over 40 when I met the man I married. ...and it was worth the wait! (not that I was sitting at home waiting!)
     
  10. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    May 18, 2014

    :hugs:People grow up and realize they aren't who they were in 11th grade anymore. If you and this person are meant to be together you will find each other again down the road but for now, find out who you are without him. There's a lot of life to live, experiences to have, people to meet...go do those things!
     
  11. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    May 18, 2014

    This is such a hard thing to have happen. I'm sorry your are going through it. I've seen this sort of thing happen to a few of my friends, and one who is in the middle of it now. I've never been broken up with after such a lengthy time together, but I have had guys end the relationship for "the other fish in the sea" reason. Though it's hard I tried to keep the attitude that if they want to remove themselves from my life, if they decide they aren't good enough for me, so be it. The last time this happened I met my future husband two months later. Something better will come along for you. Hugs!
     
  12. Loveslabs

    Loveslabs Companion

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    May 18, 2014

    Things happen for a reason. Trust that this shall pass, and better days will come. Sounds cliche, but I know from experience it is true.
     
  13. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    May 18, 2014

    While dating, my husband and I broke up. I was the one who had that "is there someone else out there" attitude. Honestly, I was scared. Scared because I knew in my heart that I loved him but I hadn't really dated anyone else so I wondered if there was someone else that I might love more. He was heartbroken, but we moved on. I started dating this guy and he some girl, and we were both so miserable we just knew. Thankfully he was there when I came crawling back. At that point, we just knew. And, 15 years and 3 kids later-we're happy as can be (most of the time-he's currently cleaning the bathroom after an unfortunate night at a microbrewery last night).

    My point is-my story is similar to yours, only opposite. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, there is someone out there who is meant to be. Hang in there!
     
  14. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    May 18, 2014

    Aspiringinstruc, so sorry this is happening to you. Being in a long-term relationship from high school to early 20s is a tough transition. People really grow & change during those years. They meet new people, they see their life in a new light, etc., so those are difficult years for a couple to be able to stay together. Many men get tired & want to see what else is out there, they may get tired of feeling stuck, etc. So he wants to go "sew his wild oats" now. Well, tell him to go on then! There's really nothing anyone can do to stop him.

    I know you're pretty new on this board, but if you've read my threads throughout the years, you'd learn that I'm not a particularly trusting person. That's just how I was raised. It has nothing to do w/ my being tremendously betrayed or anything from anyone...hasn't happened to me yet. My parents (mom esp.) & what I see happening in our society, etc. is what contributes to the way I am.

    My mom's just always taught me to never let anything in life be a surprise & the moment a man doesn't want me, I don't want him either...none of this crying, & begging & pleading for him to stay with me. I'm not saying you did this, I'm just saying what I'd plan to do. People (& I won't say just women) need to stay strong because people (& I won't just say men) can change their minds/feelings at the drop of a dime at times. It's sad yes, but the brutal truth.

    I'm sure you feel like you can't imagine your life without him in it. Do you plan to stay friends or totally cut ties? Either way, get your mind busy on other things: Friends, family, hobbies, pets, fitness, etc. & by the way, it wouldn't hurt to get a new hairstyle, do a little shopping, get your nails/toes done, get a massage, etc. to lift your spirits. Don't stay depressed for too long & get deeper into this hole where you don't want to end up leaving the house, overeat, & things like that. And there are definitely other "fish" in the sea!
     
  15. Aspiringinstruc

    Aspiringinstruc Rookie

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    May 18, 2014

    Thanks all for your advice..I changed my number and email when he left me...so I don't think he'll ever be able to contact me...I did it out of anger of him leaving me..so he has no way to contact me now but I feel like if it's meant he'll find a way to reach me somehow but I will never reach out.
     
  16. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    May 18, 2014

    Nice! I was never one for the getting back together after I break up with someone because he realized he "made a mistake".
     
  17. Aspiringinstruc

    Aspiringinstruc Rookie

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    May 18, 2014

    Even though I have days that I miss him do you all think it was smart to change my number and email?
     
  18. bandnerdtx

    bandnerdtx Aficionado

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    May 19, 2014

    Aspiring, the best thing you can do is have no contact. It's very painful at first, but it is undoubtedly the smartest way to fully heal. If you have contact with each other, you will prolong this cycle of grieving and healing. You deserve better than that.
     
  19. Jerseygirlteach

    Jerseygirlteach Groupie

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    May 19, 2014

    That was very smart and brave of you - much better and wiser than sitting around hoping he contacts you to reconcile.

    Best wishes to you. Breakups are very painful and I'm sorry you're going through this.
     
  20. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    May 19, 2014

    Based upon my own experience, getting back together with an ex has never been a good idea.

    I fell in love with John when I was 18 and for the first year things were good and I was convinced we'd be together forever. Then for the next three years we kept breaking up and getting back together and taking "breaks". It was extremely stressful and even though it hurt like Hell, I was relieved when we finally called it quits for good.

    Looking back, I feel like I should have taken breaking up/taking a break a lot more seriously because when either person (or both) can't stay together for whatever reason, something is very wrong.

    I'm sure it's happened, but I think it's very rare that whatever this huge issue is that causes a person to throw in a towel is going to completely go away and enable a successful reconciliation.

    Usually the break-up issue(s) are still there simmering under the surface.

    I've dated a few guys since John and am now married and I have to say with my husband it was different. Believe me, Husband gets on my LAST nerve some days, but even when he's at his worse (or I'm at mine) we never think about throwing in the towel and ending/taking a break from our relationship because we both get so much more good than bad.

    It was never like that with John or the others. That's how I know Husband is the right one. :wub:

    Just my :2cents:

    Whatever you decide, best of luck and blessings to you:hugs:

    EDIT: Yes, I know you made the right decision changing your number and e-mail. Don't leave the window open, it just lets heartache in. I would also recommend blocking and unfriending him on Facebook so you won't be tempted to look at his profile or see what he's up to.
     
  21. Jem

    Jem Aficionado

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    May 19, 2014

    Huge hugs!!

    I feel until the wedding ring is on the finger, either party is free to walk away at any time. Not that you would WANT that, but it's much better to it before the wedding than realize afterwards you should have.

    I was engaged to my high school sweetheart in college, and I was the one who broke it off. I had to do it twice before it 'stuck'. It was awful-completely heartbreaking. I spent the next two years dating a variety of guys, making friends and figuring out what I wanted out of a husband. I am SO glad I did that. If I had been solely worried about hurting him, we would have gotten into a very dysfunctional marriage.

    The same is true with your ex. If he really wanted to try out some other girls and see what he really wanted in a wife, then he needs to be allowed to do that. The vows had not been said, and he is free to walk away. It hurt you like hell, I'm sure, but it's much better he made that choice now than later.

    I often think about how I'll help my son through break-ups, and I think that I will try to teach him gratitude towards the other party-that they had enough courage to say 'this isn't working for me, and rather than lead you on or cheat on you, I'm going to walk away now'. And the same will go for him-when he realizes that it's not going to work, he needs to end it immediately.

    Again, hugs. This is an incredibly painful event to go through, but you'll be the better for it!!
     

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