How many of you have picked up & made a big move (at least to another state) all for your SO? I never have. I know there are lg amts of women who move for their men. Personally I'm not thrilled w/ the idea of the woman having to make all the sacrifices & leaving everything for the sake of a guy & having to start all over, but hey, it's their life & their decision. The only exception in my book is if the couple is already married of course OR planning to be married, meaning have a date & planning set in stone & not they're probably going to marry in another yr or two...that's what they all say, not that they can't still break up after setting a date. Of course, if the guy wants to move for his lady, that's great too or if they're both making a fresh start together, that's great!
My now-husband moved to another state for me. Of course, I moved to that state as well. It wasn't my home state--I went there for grad school. We weren't engaged or anything at that point. He didn't have to make sacrifices or whatever. He chose to move there to be with me. If he hadn't wanted to move, he wouldn't have had to.
I was engaged and moved across county. I didn't finish college and went. Big mistake. I tell my sister she comes first. She needs to get her career goals accomplished before moving for a man. My husband moved for me. He works from home so he moved about 1.5 hrs so I wouldn't have to travel as far.
I did it. I met BF online and we lived about 90 minutes away from each other, in different states. He worked another 45 mins in the opposite direction. Driving 90 mins on the weekend to see each other was one thing (although it got old after almost 3 years). But each of us driving over an hour to work in opposite directions every day was out of the question. He started looking for jobs near me, since I was on a good track in my district. However, he is in IT and everything in my area was in the banking industry - not a good industry to be expendable. He already had a state IT job in PA, with a good salary, pension, and benefits. Also, I was starting to have a lot of problems at my job. We decided that I would start looking for a job in his area, and I moved in with him this summer, and we bought a house this winter. Someone that had been kind of a father figure to me told someone else in my school that they couldn't believe that I was giving up my career and home for a guy, and they were tired of women doing that. I really resent comments about women relocating for men - I find the generalization really insulting. I can't speak for others but I know in our case, the decision had nothing to do with gender. I am an incredibly strong, independent woman, but I also have no desire to date someone who lives almost 2 hours away from me for the rest of my life. What are we going to do, get married and only see each other on the weekends? It doesn't work that way. Being in a relationship means BOTH people make sacrifices, not just the male, or the female. Sorry, this thread hit a personal nerve with me because it implies that I am somehow throwing my life away or am the inferior person in the relationship, when I know that neither is true.
BF and I are planning on moving to a new state once we are graduated. The state we move to will depend on where he gets into grad school, so I guess technically I would be moving for him. But I'm fine with it....we plan to be married by the time we are ready to move anyways. And teaching jobs are very hard to come by in my state, so hopefully we will move to an area with more opportunities. That's the plan anyway!
Silver, You did what I always tell me sister. You finished school and started your career before moving in for your bf.
I did. I had just graduated college in my home state and my now-husband had just started a new job in his. It made sense for me to move near him rather than the other way around since he was employed and I wasn't. That was 20 years and two kids ago, and we still live in his home state. We live four hours from my family but we never let it be a big deal. My kids saw my parents at least as much as his when they were little. We would make the drive down every couple of weeks. You have to make the decisions that are the most logical and find ways to make it work well for everyone involved.
I did. My husband is in the military. We were planning a wedding for June, but I found out I could student teaching where he was located. We moved the wedding up, got married in December, and I moved and started my student teaching in January.
I was married by the time I did it. We've always moved for his job because his pays the bills. Given a choice of places, he lets me choose. Otherwise it is all about his job. At the moment, for the first time, it is about mine because we are waiting for me to finish my degree first. Otherwise it will always be about the money. Money feeds our kids and increases our overall quality of life. That's not about gender but rather the fact that I chose a career that makes the least amount of money.
Just out of curiosity, I wonder if for the women who've often moved for a guy (because the men are usually the breadwinners & in our society are kind of expected to support the family), ever feel even a bit of resentment because they (the women) never get to do what they REALLY want because it's always about HIS career (if that's the reason they're moving, that is)? I wonder if the women in that kind of situation ever feel completely fulfilled OR do they always have to have that mindset that they'll have to LEARN to like or be satisfied w/ the situation. To me, having to learn to like something may not always mean fullfillment & true contentment. BTW, to those who have moved & admit it was a mistake, thanks for being honest.
Rockhubby was still in grad school with a full scholarship AND a stipend by the time I finished my student teaching. It made more sense for me to make the move. We'd dealt with a long distance (eight hour drive) engagement for over a year. Now I'm helping my FIL's lovely bride cope with their move here from Virginia. She decided to follow his wish to retire in his home town.
A good relationship requires sacrifices from both parties. I find the idea that if I chose to move for my SO, then I'm somehow less of a person rather insulting. If I made that decision, I made it because that was the best solution for my family.
I moved, not out of state but from a large city to the very-rural country (where we grew up). While I would not have moved if my husband had not gotten a much better job in this area, I would NOT say I moved for a man. I moved for my family. I chose to sacrifice the big city life I loved because I knew in the long run it would be better on our relationship (financially and emotionally), and some day, for our children to be raised in an area and among people I trusted. That day is here. Although there are times that I long for my friends and life I had, I know that I made the right choice.
I haven't but that is because I haven't had the opportunity. I have a question Ms. I? If you feel the woman shouldn't necessarily move for the man do you feel the same way if it was reversed? The man shouldn't move for the woman? I would assume that they are the same
Nope. My DH moved for me. I was already established (8 years) in my career, and I was already house shopping. DH's job is not secure and requires him to travel anyway, so I said that he had to be the one to move.
When you are in a very loving, caring, and meaningful relationship it's not about the woman making sacrifices, but the sacrifices you make for each other. Even in a marriage, if all sacrifices were one sided then that is not healthy. But, when you love someone and that someone is your life and that someone has to relocate for one reason or another, you go with your life. Home is where your loved ones are, not the physical house or even town/state/country.
But, her last comment was if the guy wants to move then great, which seems like a lopsided argument to me. It should go both ways, right?
Why would you assume that a woman who moves "never gets to do what [she] really wants"? I'm not sure what has shaped these feelings, but everyone has a different reason for doing the things he or she does, and why does it have to mean that most women bend-over backwards to please the guy, forgetting themselves?? I don't follow that logic. I am sure if a woman (or man) felt like the move would be a displeasing, uncomfortable and unhealthy situation, he or she would not make the move. I'm not sure what women exactly you have in mind, but I don't think what you are describing acurately depicts today's woman or man. I have made plenty of sacrifices for my husband, but he has done the same for me. We have given our lives to eachother, and that does not make me less of a woman. On the contrary, I feel very whole and very blessed.
This doesn't seem quite fair in my book. Our relationship isn't about keeping score. It's about loving each other and the kids we have together, and doing what's right for our family. Sometimes that means that I'm picking up more of the slack, and sometimes it's about Peter doing so. So he's had the kids for the last 24 hours while I was out of state at a funeral, even though "traditionally" it's the mom's role to take care of the kids. But our relationship isn't about obeying someone else's idea of who should be doing what. It's about caring and helping out and each of us doing what we can for each other and for the kids.
I agree with Aliceacc. I believe in equal sharing and sacrificing. Just my honest opinion: I believe that it is unfair for me to expect a guy to move for me if I am not willing to do the same sacrifice (and vice versa). From a single woman's perspective.
I admit I'm old fashioned when it comes to most things in a relationship, no matter how much society changes. I l like the guy to call me more, come over more, etc. My BF still opens my doors & pumps the gas even if I'm driving MY car. So yes, I may have what others may think is lopsided thinking, which I personally don't think it's lopsided. A man should be willing to do things for his lady & go all out so to speak. Of course I wouldn't mind if a man moved for me, but I'd really have to think & see about things if it came to me moving for him. If people want to call that unfair, selfish, or whatever else, so be it I guess. Which brings me to another point. I'm not going to settle for anything I don't want in a relationship. I'd rather stay alone. I mean I know good relationships take compromise & sometimes sacrifices, but I'm certainly not going to be the one to do most of this or that & he doesn't do nearly as much of whatever it is.
I certainly respect you and your feelings and opinions, but to me, it seems contradictory (and frankly, not fair!) to say that you expect the guy to do more for you (opening doors, pumping gas, etc), yet you don't want to be the one to "do most of this or that". You know, the old proverbial "can't have your cake and eat it too"...
You do keep score in your dealings and you have your reasons. I never listen to hubby and do what he asks me to do; so he claims; so the least I can do is move for his job promotions and more money! We have moved 7 times during our marriage and it's always because of hubby's job. I have no beef with it. I enjoy moving to new places, because it gives me a chance to make new friends and all that cool stuff. We almost moved again this year. Hubby told his boss that he had to check with me first. I was all for it, and I was ing when it didn't happen. Rebel1
I moved after college because then boyfriend was in grad school back here. If not for him (now hubby) I'd still be on the other side of the country. I've never regretted it.
I moved for my boyfriend after 2 1/2 years of a long distance relationship. I transferred schools and moved from NY to FL to be with him. Do I regret it- not at all. I have even told him plenty of times recently (because he is looking for a job in many states, since he is graduating in May), that I will move ANYWHERE with him and for him. As long as he and I are together, I don't care where we move.
Thirty five years ago my husband moved from Europe to marry me. Then, 15 years ago, the company my husband worked for for 25 years closed. I was happy to move with him to his new job. Was it a good move for me? NO. In our hometown I was CEO of an agency, and well known and on lots of boards and committees. After our move, I have had lots of trouble finding a job. But, I would have never had the experiences of another place had I not moved. I can't imagine still living in my home town.
A Male Perspective: So since he's pumping your gas and opening up car doors for you, are you cooking his meals and cleaning for him? If a man should be willing to "do things for his lady and go all out"--shouldn't you be willing to do the same for him? Who cares whether the man is moving for the woman or the woman is moving for the man? It's all about making sacrifices for each other, right? That's what a good relationship is all about.
My thoughts exactly.....YoungTeacher. If you are truly old fashioned, Ms. I, then you must be more than willing to cook and clean all day for HIM.
I have said it before. A person shouldn't move for a bf/gf until they have finished their college education, and are able to work on their career. That being said I would move for my husband now if he found a good job. I wouldn't be happy because I enjoy living close to my family and close to his family. He wants to move to Chile. I told him there is no way I would go there. Another state yes another country no. I do tend to wait for my husband to open doors for me (if we are out) and he does pump the gas if we are together and the car needs it. At home, I do the laundry most of the time, I will cook once or twice a week the rest of the time we get our own. He does the yard work ( I hate yard work). He snow blows and shovels the snow. I grocery shop.
I moved to be with him shortly before we were married, and, even though I hate the state, I didn't regret the move. What mattered was that my husband and I were together. I did end up relocating to another state in order to find a teaching job since my future was looking awfully bleak where we were. He is eventually moving here with me when he's finished with his schooling-- moving away from the state where he lived his entire life. He doesn't regret it one bit. I don't think I'm less of a woman, nor do I think my husband is less of a man.
I would if we were married & I didn't work, but we don't live together. (We don't agree on living together before marriage). If him & I were married & BOTH worked FT jobs, we'll share in the cooking, chores, etc. My BF's not the type to expect dinner on the table when he gets home.
I don't expect the dinner to be on the table when I get home, and neither does my husband. But, whoever gets home first starts dinner. My husband does not cook, so I have to leave directions--specific directions. Get out the blue bowl, use the tongs to pick up the chicken. Since I can cook, and love it, I do the cooking. He is better at balancing the check book, so he does that. I guess our division of labor is by talent and skill.
So if you both work, you both do the household chores AND he does all the 'man stuff' like opens doors for you and pumps the gas? That doesn't seem fair.
