Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Master Pre-K, Apr 29, 2018.
May 2, 2018
Here's some information that may come in handy.
May 3, 2018
Thank you. I was looking at this earlier today. Appreciate your help.
How long would it take you to sell your house? If you think it would sell quickly that would be a good way out.
My friend had a live in bf for a while and sometimes his daughter would stay over. Well, when it was apparent they were going to break up he waited until my friend was out of town for the weekend then stole thousands of dollars worth of stuff and moved out. The daughter was the accomplice! There are some scary people out there!!
Is it possible that he could hinder the selling of your home? With what you have told us about him, I would be scared that he may put holes in walls, break appliances, keep it messy when buyers come to visit, etc.
Market bad in my area. Way upside down in value. Last time I checked recent sales comps and neighboring units were for almost 1/2 price I paid. I am thinking about a short sale. Hoping bank will take the loss rather than have a foreclosure on their hands. I would rather wait until he is totally out and change the locks. Wouldn’t leave house for extended time without getting important property out first.
Right now he is hopeless and writing love letters every day. I don’t feel threatened, but I am ready to move on.
Fridge is almost empty. Just water, mayo, etc. I get take out, eat what I buy or take it with me.
I'm wondering if you have considered that the longer he is there, the more legal ground he will have to stay there. I'm wondering if you could just tell him that the first of January is too long, and that he has til the first of June. Truly, people like your former bf are survivors and they will figure something out if they are forced to do so. By January 1st, he will have had an emergency that tapped all of his savings, so he will need to stay an additional year.
While you don't want conflict, allowing him to stay will be a perpetual conflict.
Try practicing saying your script to someone. ("Jim, I need to change what we decided to do. I can not have you in the house until January 1. I need you to be gone by June 1. I know you wanted to stay to save money, but that is not going to work out. I'm sure you'll be able to make arrangements in a month's time. How kind you have been to state you love me, but that is not something that can be reciprocated by me. Let's leave as friends. June 1st is a solid date. I have plans for the house beginning then that do not include having a second person in the house. I realize that you wish it could be different, but we had our moment, and our time has passed.")
I’m not worried about the legal aspect, because his name is not on the mortgage and the town home bylaws prevents renters. What irritates me is his inabilty or reluctance to let go. Still wants to talk, embrace. I have a right to say NO. The fact that he insists on doing what I ask him not to do increases my right to step up to police intervention.
As long as he is comfortable, he has no reason to budge. So I see what I need to do. But forcing him out again will escalate this problem. I don’t plan in walking on eggshells, but I am not threatening him to leave in 30 days...
Again, I need time to get my life together. If I know where he is, I don’t have to worry about where he isn’t. I have been here before, and the longer he is in a half decent mood, the safer it is for me. I don’t want to enrage him and have to get people to come with me every time I am in my home.
May 4, 2018
Are you saying you need the money he provides even though he eats too much food? Isn't this using him?
Not at all.
I don’t need nothing from him.
I am done. He needs to move.
I am moving on with my life.
When I am ready to start over, I will take everything with me. If he complains, I’ll say:
“I told you we are through. You’re not happy, you can leave. I told you to leave.”
One day, he will come home to an empty house.
We shall see how long he stays after that.
Seems like you could use some help beyond this forum. Have you considered consulting with someone at a womens’ shelter? Perhaps they can provide some assistance/referrals. I’d bet you’re not the only one who has walked through their doors with this problem. There may also be a legal aid center for women in your community. Don’t procrastinate any longer.
OK. I will be in prayer for your safety and peace of mind.
I have concern for you, but will trust that you are doing what is safe and right for you.
I have Been There, (literally)Done That
I am not procrastinating. I am moving cautiously to prevent alarming him.
I have been through this before...
The only reason why I haven’t moved sooner is because of family issues blocked my thoughts and slowed my movement. Now I am doing what needs to be done.
Shelters don’t always support working women. Their purpose is to protect you (and others) at all costs. Also, the focus on reframing the victims’ mindset so they don’t return to the abuser. So your ability to travel in and out is limited.
This is not the case for me. I don’t want to go back to him, and I don’t want to lose my job by staying locked for certain hours.
Think of the drunk driver, weaving on the road ahead of you.
All the driver’s tests say, don’t try to go ahead or pass him up because you don’t want to alarm them. They panic and do something stupid or dangerous. But if you coast behind them or on the side, a police/highway officer will be there soon. Several people see this and call.
I am not running away or throwing out a drunk driver. I am staying on the side, as long as I’m safe.
I think that not passing is less about potentially alarming the driver than about just simply avoiding what could be an erratic and unpredictable path. Being next to a drunk driver is ill-advised, because they can swerve without warning. The best place is far, far behind, where you can observe and, if possible, safely report.
Going off that analogy, I think that you should be as far away from this relationship as possible. I definitely think that your situation will be worse, not better, in eight months. But you seem adamant about doing things this way. I do wish you luck in this, because I think that you'll need it.
I guess I am just confused then. You say you are allowing him to stay there till Jan 1st because it gives you time to get your life back together. It isn't money, as you have said. So how is having someone so abusive that you can no longer live with them in your house allowing you to get your life back together?
Thank you....thank you all.
I am not allowing or expecting him to be there 8 months.
I will be gone long before that.
Once he sees that I am gone, there really is no reason for him to stay, despite his excuses.
Squatters and homeless people stay in empty houses. Ditched boyfriends are too ticked off without ex-girlfriend around, what’s the point? He could sleep in his car or move in with his mother.....uncle, etc.
Or look for some other woman to feed him.
If I escalate this and that makes him violent, then I’ll have another set of problems that I have to deal with.
This is not to protect or support or give in to him in any way.
He thinks he can stick around
But he also thinks I will do the same
I am terribly confused.
You are lucky to have enough money to have a mortgage on a house, rent on another place, and utilities on two places.
While you are taking the time to get yourself together, I hope you also figure out why you have ended up in this position for the third time so you can avoid having it happen again.
I have done this before.
May 5, 2018
As Ima Teacher pointed out, you must learn to break this unhealthy cycle once and for all, so that you can finally get on with your life.
Again. You are lucky enough to have enough money to pay a mortgage, rent, and utilities on two places whether or not you have done it before without stiffing some businesses and not paying what you owe.
Life lessons are not easily learned. When you suffer the loss of a loved one, your entire world changes. You can’t think clearly. I don’t know how many times I need to say this.
Yes, I did this before, but nobody said I had fun doing it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and apparently a sign on my butt that says “kick me.”
This is not a game nor a bad habit I need to break.
Of course, if you had been abused you would know that.
Edited to add: I don’t need to be kicked any harder. I am already down.
You make some wild assumptions that I, or others who have different ideas than you, have not experienced loss and abuse just because they don't make the same choices.
No one said it is a game. Yes, you do need to examine why this keeps happening to you. Those who experience abuse multiple times are told they need to examine their lives and their choices.
You don't corner the market on loss. Many of us have had more than our share. Do you really think most people on this board haven't experienced loss of a close loved one since everyone dies?
Again, I was just saying you are lucky you can do what you plan because many people can't afford to do so. Why is that such a horrible comment?
Looking into some short term leases. Additionally, a friend lost her job, and we are going to brainstorm some ideas to help each other.
Contacting grief support group at church. Need to connect with people who have suffered multiple losses.
Settng appointments for counseling sessions.
You know, you did come here and ask us a question.
Please do not get angry with us when we give you answers that you don't want to hear.
I do know that as long as you keep coming up with reasons why you aren't able to make changes, then things will never change.
It may seem like kicking you while you are down, but tough love is just that . . . tough.
Help is welcomed...
I have nothing to be angry about.
Also, I think it’s rather sad and ironic that when a person asks for help, and they don’t immediately agree with others - somehow they become the bad guy.
Now all of the sudden I am supposedly angry?
I don’t have time.
I don't think you are the bad guy. You just confused me with your plan. It wasn't really clear since it wasn't something that probably most people here would do or the way they would do it.
Your choice of words did make you seem angry, but intent and emotion is difficult to read on the internet.
If anyone was offended, I hope you understand that I am simply defending my position. If I had different answers, I wouldn't be here.
While unconventional, my plans are my own. I am hoping for good results.
Spending the evening with good friends. Stopped in AtoZ to look for more suggestions.
Considering joining the Domestic Violence Ministry support group at church. Hoping this will be a learning, sharing and growing opportunity.
May 6, 2018
Sending you a prayer and best wishes. No matter which route you choose it’s not going to be easy and there will possibly be many dark days before the light at the end of the tunnel will come. Good luck!!
The Ex packed a bag and didn’t return home Fri.
Sent me a text.
Said he should be gone within next three months.
Appreciate your good thoughts.
May 7, 2018
Even though 3 months seems like a long time it's better than a year. I hope everything works out for you.
Initially, he said it would take seven months, at the most. But we agreed if he could do it sooner, he would.
That is the main reason why I didn’t want to rush or force him out. Giving some leeway has put the ball in his court. Now, he is making some steps.
However, he has also sent another message saying he misses me.
I am not responding to him unless a question refers to household matters.
May 8, 2018
You called it...and I read your script verbatim
The Ex sent me a message saying he ran into some trouble, and needed to come back last night.
I did not respond.
He wrote again, saying let him know that I got his message.
I said, fine take care of your problem.
Then he starts a 2 page text, "I love you I need you....."
I did not respond.
The next day, he says..."We should get married. I need you, I miss you, and I know we can make this work. Please marry me."
What the hell??
That was IT!
I took all my strength and said, "It is over, you need to be out of here. He came coming back with lines about how good we are together, I said..."It's over, you need to go." He says, "I can change." I said "NO."
"That is what's wrong. You keep saying that, and you keep doing what the hell you want. So no, pack your stuff and leave."
"If you really cared for me, you would respect me, and what I want. Be happy for what we had, but it's done. Time for us to move on. YOU can't do that sitting here. Get out, call your friends and get a U-Haul and start packing."
"But, I love you and need you"
"I need you to leave. You have 30 days. Start packing. The sooner you start the better it will be for both us us. Please do not be here when I return. There has to be somewhere you can go."
And I left out.
Beautiful. Just live the single life. It’s much easier!
May 9, 2018
Color me confused again. I thought he was too dangerous and volatile to give such short notice. I thought he was so bad you had to move out to force him to move on.
What does "and I left out" mean? I've never heard that phrase before. I'm sure it is a regional thing.
Appreciate the support.
I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
The agreement was for him to stay until 12/31, or leaving earlier if possible.
Writes me letters saying he still loves me
I ignore letters and I ignore him
He spent a few nights out, and said he would be out in 3 months. Tells me what an awful person I am, but he is leaving.
Then he sends a message saying he had some setback, and he would back at my house that night.
When he realized I wasn’t coming home, he started complaining about why I was not there and apparently thought I was going to help with his problem.
I don’t respond.
Then he tells me he wants to get married.
So at that point, he clearly is not getting the message that we are done, it’s over and he needs to move. I had to tell him, again.
And I had to step things up a notch because now he was digging his heels in the ground and trying to put out an anchor instead of attempting to leave. So I said, “You 30 days.”
So since I told him I do NOT want to marry him or do anything with him, he needs to go...he has nothing else to do but leave. Which is what I told him already.
Anything else he does or says not related to moving is now harrassment, because I told him to leave me alone. If he can’t stay here without bothering me, he can't stay here - period.