When does money become an issue in your relationship??

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Master Pre-K, Apr 29, 2018.

  1. PetrMishikoff

    PetrMishikoff Rookie

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    Apr 30, 2018

    Well but from my point of view, if you love someone, you generally can live with the fact that he/she is not perfect. But in return, if you have talked with him/her, and he/she has never changed for you, then you have to consider whether keeping this relationship is worth it. I agree with the point of how much you love yourself.
     
  2. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    But are we talking about someone who is "not perfect" here? Because what I'm reading sounds a lot different from "not perfect".
     
  3. Kindergally

    Kindergally Rookie

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    I have always been told that you can't expect people to change for you if they don't have the desire to change for themselves first.
     
  4. Hokiegrad1993

    Hokiegrad1993 Comrade

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    Apr 30, 2018

    Oh yes I agree with that. I am sorry my mind went to random gifts just because. Of course Birthday gifts and holiday gifts are appreciated and important. Gifts of all kinds show appreciation i just IMO do not think it is necessary for random gifts. BUT I took the 5 love languages test and I am action. I feel valued and appreciated when my SO does things for me that I do not want to do. You might be a gift giving language.
     
  5. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Apr 30, 2018

    Exactly...
     
  6. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I know it's always nice if relationships end in a good way, but as long as you're not walking on eggshells for him. Actually, I take that back, if you can see a man is starting to get enraged or go berserk when you mention breaking up, I'd use whatever mind tactics I can to butter him up for my own personal safety. Once he's out of the house or not in my presence anymore, then good. I don't have to see him ever again.

    How long did you date him before moving in together? (& forgive me if you said & I overlooked it.) That's another reason it's not good to move in together too soon. I was never one for moving in before marriage, but I think as long as you're engaged at least, then that's OK because the commitment from both parties are there or at least supposed to be there. Don't move in unless you don't mind finances being tied together, such as having a bank account together or going over bills together & that kind of thing.

    This is kind of sad to me. This to me, means that you'll probably put up w/ some crap in your relationship that you might not have otherwise put up w/ if you were younger perhaps (or maybe you would have back then too) just as long as it means you get to have a man. Do you have to have a man? Can't you stand alone because I tell you, many of the men I see out there today are no prize & I'd be happy to stay alone if that's the only type of men I have to choose from these days. Many men definitely don't have the "I treat my woman like a queen" philosophy. :mad:
     
  7. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Thanks... I am not trying to use my loss as an excuse ...it’s the fact that I never dealt with it before
     
  8. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Apr 30, 2018

    Nah,

    It’s a custom a billion dollar retail and restaurant business that thrives on it. What if we never celebrated anything?? I wasn’t raised that way.

    This man has a “I don’t wanna spend my money unless you are mad” - language, which to me means:

    I know better, but won’t do better.

    If you don’t change unless you feel you have to...well you really don’t want to do it in the first place.

    Any high school teachers out there??

    I believe I have a teenager in my house.
     
  9. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Yes, I can and I have stood alone. And normally I don’t jump in blindly to commited relationships without a long time knowing the guy. Something about him was different, and I hoped that I was right. He was here for a reason, a season ...but not a lifetime.

    Again, if I had not lost members of my dear family, I probably would have sent him packing a long time ago. Sadness and depression clouded my judgement. But now I have no regrets. I know that I have done what is best.
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
  10. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Yes, I undersrand completely.

    But I feel upset because I had/have so much grief from my loss. I wasn’t using him as a crutch....I was just trying to exist, and get my life back. He was there, and I loved him,
    and didn’t clearly see all these faults. because I couldn’t see or do much of anything.

    It would be easy to leave and start over if I had an apartment. But I have a house. I sense things may get ugly. I don’t know. I never broke up with a guy when I had a house before. I do know he is quite comfortable and saying, I don’t love you anymore won’t be enough.
     
  11. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Apr 30, 2018

    Just because you have a house doesn't mean anything. That's no reason to be miserable. I bought my house before I was married. My first husband moved in with me after we married. Once I'd had enough with his lack of work ethic and constant complaining, I asked him to leave. We had been married for 12 years. He was certainly not happy, but I was done with the marriage. His cousin told him to make sure he took half of everything. Nope. Not happening. In our state, marriage does not automatically mean property becomes joint. Because the house was mine before marriage, it was not even a consideration in the divorce. The only joint property was one vehicle we had bought about a year before the divorce. I let him take that.

    And why would adults argue over food? Usually DH and I grocery shop together, and whatever is here is fair game for consumption. Now, we generally ask before eat the last of something, but neither of us would get mad if the food was eaten without asking.
     
  12. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Apr 30, 2018

    Well, again I have had nothing but bad news when it comes to breaking up with bad relationships.

    Not trying to jump to conclusions, stating facts.

    I need a solid plan for ending this smoothly.

    Why we are breaking up
    When I expect him to leave
    What to say when he asks for more time
    See this as extra time to move, or just to stall and attempt to win me back
    When to step it up if he stalls
    How to step it up
    If staying with friends or family should be an option - No, because I don’t want to leave my home or him taking my stuff or Yes, if he gets violent and I need the police
    Will he leave peacefully?
    Sigh...

    Because apparently he’s not an adult. He’s been spoiled and can’t seem to understand that women aren’t supposed to take care of him.
     
  13. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Apr 30, 2018

    I have never ended a relationship (married the first man I dated) so I can't offer any concrete advice for you.
    I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out peacefully for you.
     
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  14. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Apr 30, 2018

    Thank you.
     
  15. rpan

    rpan Cohort

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    Apr 30, 2018

    If he is stalling then i would rent a room at a hotel/motel for him for a couple of weeks and a storage unit for a month. I'd write it off as a necessary evil and he has no excuses not to leave really. If i anticipate problems, i would get a couple of family members to be with me on moving day. Then change the locks on the day he moves.
     
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  16. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    May 1, 2018

    Update...

    I told him it’s over

    He gave the classic passive agressive - manic depressive argument:

    Him
    I must have somebody else
    How could you do this to me?
    Thanks for @&$$@&$ up my life.
    I should have stayed with last gf
    I’m the only one who loved you
    Brother was right, all women dog you out
    You need counseling
    When did this happen?
    I was just telling my mom I think you are the one
    I promise I won’t touch you

    Me


    It’s not working
    Loss of family has caused me to rethink my life
    You don’t follow through with your promises (eating up my food)
    I asked you NOT to wake me up at 4 am :confused:because I need my sleep - You keep doing it

    Him
    I just want to show you I love you.
    Fine, I’ll just sleep on the couch

    Me

    Uh, no

    We need some agreement here. How long before you can move?

    Him

    I am close to work, need to save money, want to get another car

    Me
    (In my head)

    So, that’s it.

    You don’t care that I don’t love you. You don’t want a relationship. You want a college roomate you can mooch off of and them some
     
  17. a2z

    a2z Maven

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    May 1, 2018

    I'm confused. He accepted your decision, and now you are upset about that? You should be thrilled since you were so concerned about his reaction being much different.

    Why would you expect him to fight for someone who doesn't love him? His reluctance to fight for your love doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want a relationship. He said he thought you were the one. He may just believe he doesn't want to fight for someone who doesn't love him.
     
  18. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    No, don’t be confused a2z

    I am not upset

    I am simply stating what happened

    I am just worried about how long he expects me to sit here while he saves money.

    Because clearly he’s been doing that already.
     
  19. a2z

    a2z Maven

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    This comment is what confused me when he did say that he thought you were the one. He also said he loved you. That means he does care even if he isn't showing it the way you want him to show it or fighting to keep you.

    Sorry I misread your intent for making that comment. I've never heard that comment used unless someone was unhappy about someone else's reaction.

    I'm happy you are happy with his acceptance.

    Set a move out date that gives him plenty of time to save money. Say 2 months. Put it in writing and have him sign it. Then let him sleep on the couch or get him a cot unless you have a spare room.
     
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  20. Kindergally

    Kindergally Rookie

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    May 1, 2018

    Maybe start labeling your food with your name and tell him that he needs to be feeding himself until he moves out. I understand he needs to save money but I don't think you should be feeding him if things have ended. You are already going above and beyond by letting him stay until he has more money.
     
  21. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Good idea. Thanks.
     
  22. a2z

    a2z Maven

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    Make sure you check with your state laws about evicting people who live in your home. Some don't make it easy.
     
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  23. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    We have an agreement for him to move out by the 1st of next year.

    So far, he is calm and I have peace.

    Thanks to everyone for being there for me.
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
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  24. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Right. I did get him to sign note agreeing to leave by Jan. Nobody wants to move in the winter, if they can avoid it. So I truly hope that was not some excuse to stick around until spring.
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
  25. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    May 1, 2018

    Eight months is a long time.
     
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  26. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Gives me time to get my life back on track.
    He is attempting normal conversations. I expected this. Truly see the manic/depressive and ‘try to get you back’ tactics in play.

    But I am out all the way around, so there will be moving boxes piled against the wall in a few weeks.

    I will say, “Let’s put away your winter clothes and you’ll have less to deal with when you move.”
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
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  27. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Yes, that is a long time. Hopefully it won't take him that long to leave.

    I had my EX moved out completely in about 24 hours, and the divorce was final in six weeks.
     
  28. a2z

    a2z Maven

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    That is a really long time to have someone who treats you so horribly living with you.

    Do you own the house or are you both leasing it?
     
  29. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I own it. But I am hearing the same thing..You can’t just say get out when you realize you have a controlling person on your hands.

    I can’t get rid of this guy in 24 hrs without the police. And that never does go well.

    So I am dealing with evil and have to take the lesser of two evils. A slow, up and downhill battle, and hope he does move.

    Or a quick and certain battle for sure, which means police, missed time from work, living in fear..

    At least with the first option, I have time to make a safe exit if I need the second option anyway. That may very well be eight months. That’s what Ms. I said. She understands the cycle of abuse. You don’t just tell this kind of person you’re breaking up, now leave, and then you sit down and watch the news.

    You could end up on the news....
     
  30. rpan

    rpan Cohort

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    Perhaps have yours and his allocated shelves in the fridge and pantry. I think its providing physical signs that the relationship has moved on from a spouse/partner relationship to a two room mates sharing a house type of situation, so everything shared is now 50/50 and its a daily reminder to him of the resolution of your decision. Perhaps he wants to stay till the end of the year because he thinks that in 8 months he can make you change your mind. But these subtle not subtle signs may make him rethink that and he may well move out sooner.
     
  31. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    This post frightens me more than anything else you have posted. If you are living with the possibility of physical violence, you need to get out. Now.
     
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  32. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Signs like No Parking are totally irrelevant to a person like this. It means, nobody else should park there.

    Moving boxes make a clearer statement
     
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  33. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Again, rash and hasty moves are more alarming and difficult. It is easier to think clearer while he mopes around and makes feeble attempts at normal life. He is in denial. I get that. But I can’t just get a uhaul truck and clear out my house. That could escalate situations uncessarily.
     
  34. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I have been thinking about selling my house. Its a townhouse and the upkeep has started to drain me. I want to scale down and have less. Was thinking about some of the senior apartments. I want the convenience factors without maintenance & repair headaches.
     
  35. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Are you fairly certain that he would become violent and aggressive if you asked him to move out right away, or is that more of a "within the realm of possibilities but not at all likely" thing?

    I appreciate the need to get one's ducks in a row, but eight months is a very long time to live with someone who makes you unhappy. It's even longer when you are fearful of that person. If you are truly fearful, I might recommend that you seek professional help, like from a crisis center and/or the police, about how to get him out sooner and safely. I just don't see how anything will de-escalate over the course if eight months if you're already scared.
     
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  36. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Scared is a loose interpretation. I know how to deal with abuse, I am trying to avoid it.

    At first he wouldn’t give me any date. He had to get it through his head we are finished.

    This has to take time. You need to understand how controlling people operate. You don’t just break up with emotional people.


    I said 6 months and he said 1st of the year at the latest. So that would be the last day.

    In the meantime, by having a house, I can’t just call the police and kick him out because that would be unecessarily rough. If he puts his hands on me, yes that would be the case.

    I keep repeating this but I don’t think you understand. If you have a blood clot, you don’t do major surgery.

    You take x-rays and then take medicine to break it up.

    Sometimes surgery makes it worse
     
  37. Been There

    Been There Habitué

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    It’s clear that you have a self-centered spoiled teenager in your house who has the upper hand. Even now, he continues to call all the shots at your expense. I guess in some twisted way, you’ve benefited from him too. Based on what you’ve told us, I predict that he will still be in your house after Jan. 1 - you better have a fail-safe plan ready to be implemented on Jan. 2. BTW, most of us seem to think that 8 months is waaaay too long to have to wait - don’t plan on getting your life back together during this potentially tumultuous drawn-out period.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2018
  38. Been There

    Been There Habitué

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    What evidence would have you believe that a few boxes would have ANY effect on your room mate?

    Besides what you’ve already mentioned, are their other forms of abuse that your room mate is guilty of?
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2018
  39. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    May 2, 2018

    Something is better than nothing

    And I can pack my stuff

    He won’t stay if I am not there

    That’s his whole purpose for being there..
     
  40. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I’m not sure,

    nor waiting for more abuse
     

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