When does money become an issue in your relationship??

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Master Pre-K, Apr 29, 2018.

  1. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Apr 29, 2018

    Hi Everyone,

    I’m on the fence and really upset with my SO. Let’s just say I found out he has a bank acct with nice amount of money. Meanwhile he spend $15-30 here and there on food for the house, every other week. Gives me his share of rent on the 1st but...

    As a man, shouldn’t he be contributing more??

    Taking me out, buying nice things?

    I have to ask, or this does not happen but every blue moon.

    Unless of course, I am p’od...then gifts and food start showing up left and right!! So he KNOWS what I like, but only does it every once in awhile or when I’m upset.

    When we met, I earned less. I budgeted and had help. Low income programs to help with rent & lights, etc. Now I make more, but I have more bills. I’m ready to cut my hours and then he’ll be making more, and see if he will still sit back and still expect me do everything.

    Whenever I bring it up, he goes postal on me. Not physical,but a lot of arguing. I hate fighting, but I really hate fighting over $$.

    We are living together in my apt, going on 2 yrs.

    Can this relationship be saved???
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2018
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  3. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    I hate to sound like a downer, but Judge Judy usually hits this kind of relationship quite nicely...she says if people play house together, they don't have any recourse when the relationship doesn't work out. In the eyes of the law, what's his is his and what's your is yours. It sound like he has prepared for life without you.
    However, we are seeing only one side of the relationship. Only you know the real details and if you think the relationship will continue to work.
     
  4. Hokiegrad1993

    Hokiegrad1993 Comrade

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    Are you guys married? There is the fact that when your not married legally the money he makes is his.

    Also IMO men buying women nice things and being the head of the household is a little outdated. I grew up in a family where my mom made more and my mom contributed more but it was not something that was stressed.
     
  5. vickilyn

    vickilyn Magnifico

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    Money, in any relationship, is an issue when there isn't enough of it to go around, as defined by either party of the relationship. If you aren't married, then if you stop providing, the other party with the substantial bank account may well move on to another sweet deal - little invested beyond some food money and half the rent. I have a checking account, but would be the first to offer up any or all of it for the health of our relationship, and feel certain that hubby would do the same. We have decades together, have grieved over our parents deaths, raised our son together, and there are "yours and mine" accounts in name only. We were poor together in the beginning, and we have reached a comfortable place by taking care of each other because we do "care" for each other.

    OP, your relationship sounds foreign to me, unlike any that I personally know of. Honestly, if money was going to be a constant bone of contention, I couldn't stand living like that. However, that is my humble opinion.
     
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  6. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    You've lived together two years and don't have a predetermined financial agreement? If he isn't paying half the rent and utilities as well as fair share of other expenses, yeah, it's time to re-examine where this relationship is going. Especially since he only steps up when you gave to get annoyed and fight about it.
     
  7. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    No, we are not married. He buys food & pays 1/2 the bills, but eats 90 % of the food. In the begininng, I was in love..didn’t keep track of every dime. Wasn’t in a relationship in same household for this long so I was thinking maybe men do eat more...but now I see he doesn’t contribute the same as he consumes. And now everything is fair game, lotion, soap, my face cream...:confused: He buys his own shampoo, but still uses mine all up.

    He is using me. How do I end this with a soft landing? Say we can be friends but he must move out in 3 months??

    I don’t want any drama.
     
  8. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    We can be friends is a cop out. You need a serious conversation about your relationship.
     
  9. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    When my husband and I got married, we made the same amount of money, so we split the bills 50/50. After a few years, I made considerably more, so I paid more of the bills. About two years ago, my husband started making the same as me again, so we redid the bill division again. As financial situations change in relationships, you must have conversations about how it affects bills and extras. We do not have a joint checking account because we have very different perspectives about money, and it just works better for us this way. Instead of trading money back and forth each month, we both have certain bills we pay.
     
  10. Hokiegrad1993

    Hokiegrad1993 Comrade

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    I think it is time to re-evaluate. Serious discussion or counseling if you really want the relationship to work. Good luck!
     
  11. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    Contributing more? Taking me out & buying me nice things? I bring home more than my husband does, but he does have the health insurance.

    Once we got married we pooled our money. It all goes into 1 account. Mortage, utilities, groceries, whatever comes out the same account. Taking me out? It comes out of the same account, same with all of our purchases. The only time I have a problem with it is at Christmas when I don't want him to have a clue as to what I'm getting him.

    I rarely make a purchase without running it past him first, but that's because he keeps track of the checkbook, it's more of a "I need to purchase xyz" and he may say wait until after payday. No biggie, I don't want to bounce the checkbook.

    What concerns me about what you posted was you said that he will go postal on you. It's time for an honest conversation. Since you're not married, I would think that the household bills would be split 50/50. Can the relationship be saved? That's a decision that only you can make.
     
  12. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    This is the kind of conversation you have before you make the commitment. After the fact you either have to agree, agree to disagree, or go separate ways.

    In my first marriage, I made the living. He worked less than part time. With his money he paid utilities, and I paid everything else. He also did all of the housework. Over the course of a couple of years, he stopped working, stopped doing anything around the house, and started complaining about how I was not bringing in enough money or keeping house to suit him. That was an easy fix. I filed divorce papers.

    In my current marriage, we make almost identical incomes. All of the household expenses are paid from a joint account. We each contribute the same amount to the account. Our individual pay checks are deposited into personal accounts, and we transfer money into the joint account. whatever each of us has in our personal accounts is our business.

    I wouldn't expect my DH to pay for more just because he is a man. I would expect anyone in a relationship to contribute to that relationship, but that doesn't necessarily mean equal or more. That's why you have those conversations.
     
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  13. futuremathsprof

    futuremathsprof Aficionado

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    At least he pays his half of the bills. That shows that he cares, I think. Maybe sit down with him and have a cordial chat about not eating all of your food. The resolution could be that you buy food just for you and he buys food just for him. For example, I buy healthy, prepared food all the time so I rarely go grocery shopping. You might try making meals just for you and having him prepare his own meals.

    That might solve things, but take everything I say concerning romantic relationships with a grain of salt because I’ve never been in a romantic relationship of any kind (gross). I don’t really get how these things work, lol!
     
  14. Joyful!

    Joyful! Habitué

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    I'm sorry that you are having this stress at home.
    What you are describing is not normal or healthy, in my opinion.
    Happily married for a loooooooooooooooong time to explain my perspective.
    Early on, we decided that I was the spender and my husband was the saver. He does all of the budgeting, bill paying etc. I prefer that. We discuss and agree to all purchases and have all of our money in one big pot. We are one. We never fight about money. Ever.
    If I were in your situation, the conversation would start with a ledger sheet. Sometimes when discussing money, people tend to think they contribute more than they do with no concept of the total picture. Perhaps that will help keep you on point and help him see your point.
    As to an end, only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate in the name of love and for how long.
     
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  15. Backroads

    Backroads Aficionado

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    Apr 29, 2018

    Perhaps there's no legal backup for this, but...

    In a committed, house-sharing relationship, married or otherwise, I really expect the couple to make an agreement on how the money is to be run. Call me old-fashioned, but I really do think of it as "our money". You're choosing to have a life together, don't be so separate.

    This may not help you at this time if the relationship is fizzling. I'm sorry about that!
     
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  16. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Doesn't sound like a guy to have a future with to me, UNLESS you two have already discussed that this relationship is heading toward marriage and you know that he's saving up for a ring, wedding, etc. Otherwise, end it sooner than later. I'd be mad too if this was happening to me.
     
  17. rpan

    rpan Cohort

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    If this is something you can’t live with now, don’t expect it to change even if you get married, because marriage doesn’t change personalities - yours or his. If you can’t live with it, then there’s no future and you should tell him the truth sooner rather than later.

    There’s really no reason to go postal and have arguments when you bring this issue up. It’s way more defensive than it needs to be and he is trying to out shout you to make the issue go away. This would raise bigger red flags for me more than the fact that he doesn’t pay his fair share.

    My husband is very good with managing money but he’s not possessive about money in the least, which is something I find very attractive.
     
  18. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    This is what I see. That he is preparing a life without me, rather that preparing a life with me. That is not fair. I know what is his is his. But it is not fair to sit on a bundle and eat all my chips. If anything, if you aren't seriously thinking of marriage, then say so. Right...probably won't admit it. But at least say, I will help you with this, that and the other.

    He will only help do extra if I ask.
     
  19. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I think in a relationship, you should be appreciated. That means gifts. I spent years without any type of birthday or Christmas gift. He is not one of those anti-religious, don't celebrate any holidays people. He just sits back and takes your gift, but doesn't bother to give one. And when I call him on it, he makes meek excuses like, I don't usually do that, or the it's no big deal.

    A relationship should be built on mutual love, caring and respect. And an occasional gift is a sweet, loving gesture that shows you appreciate someone. If it seems outdated, maybe it's because I am almost 60 and it's what I expect in a relationship. If not, we might as well be room mates.
     
  20. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Yes, I agree...but I have been in some bad relationships, and it is very important to end this in a good way.
     
  21. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    Stop buying things. Get down to your last cracker, carrot stick and slice of bread. Only buy ingredients for that night's dinner. When dinner's over and he asks where's the chips, say you didn't want any chips. If he wants them he can buy them.
     
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  22. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    This is what I see as well. I know a friend who went through the same thing. Only difference is they have a child, and they are still together. I had not seen her in awhile. When we got back in touch, this is what her life was like. Her guy stopped working full time, and finally took a part time job. She complained to me all the time, and I could see right through her issues. She never did anything about it.

    Now I am exactly where she is.

    The fact that he is working and does pay his share of the expenses is good. But he is definitely going beyond the budget. But I definitely am not ready to have a joint account. He has NO credit whatsover. This is something I have never experienced. I know 17 year olds with joint credit cards. He does not spend his money on nice clothes, he rather shop at the thrift store. Dollar Tree is his only store. He attempted to buy me some meat from there. He doesn't want to spend money. I tell him if you buy quality stuff you don't have to keep buying it. Yet he buys all kinds of gadgets and gizzmos from Amazon, and they end up all around the house after he's tired of playing with them. So he has money, but does not see the need to buy things we need around the house, like trash bags. Even Dollar Tree trash bags will work.
     
  23. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Appreciate the concern...

    That's why I am on the fence. I thought after year one things would get better. But I am not ready to make it "our money" because he has NO credit, and spends his money on As Seen ON TV junk instead of things we need around the house. So, if I stop buying things that we need, will he start. That is the question.

    I find it hard to be in a relationship with someone who is content with doing nothing, ergo taking advantage of me. If I started off doing nice things, it was to show how much I care. But I expect to have nice things given to me in return.
     
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  24. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Yeah TeacherNY,

    That is where I am headed.
     
  25. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    This is exactly my concern..

    I have been in abusive relationships in the past. It doesn't end well. That means me packing up, moving, police involved, shelters. I am too old and too tired to start over. I was seriously hoping it didn't come to this. In fact, that is his excuse in his arguments. Says, he is not like the other guys, he doesn't do those things to me.

    Okay, there's several types of abuse

    this is financial abuse and I .....with everyone's input ..... have to admit to myself

    this is verbal abuse

    If he gets into loud arguments when I bring up money, that is a control mechanism.

    I know... talking about the problem is the road to solving it

    But just saying get out, this is not working for me anymore is NOT the way to do it. I need to know that he will walk away without any drama. Yet, I can't be held captive thinking life will not change

    If there is the slightest hint of abuse, yeah - he is so outta here.

    But is he keeping me under his thumb without raising his hand?

    That is the question...

    My other issue is, I have been suffering from some major emotional setbacks, with the loss of family members. This put my life on hold. I truly believe this has caused me to have cloudy judgement, and fear of making any major changes in my life. So much has happened so quickly that it seemed to be way to stressful to end my relationship as well.

    But...

    Years have passed and now I can see much clearer...
     
  26. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Thank you....counseling definitely.
     
  27. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Tried talking. Doesn't work. Fresh food lasts 24 hours in the fridge. Chips and cookies last 12 hours. The only way I know my snacks will be safe is if I take them with me. One friend suggested locking up stuff. I thought that was too much. Well...now I might just buy one of everything.
     
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  28. a2z

    a2z Maven

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    Then include the food cost in the budget having his share higher than yours because he eats more. Get out your food receipts and show what he uses compared to you.

    Not reason to make a mountain out of this. Keep emotion out of it and go with the facts. Review the budget. Make a list of necessary items for the house and the food budget having his amount higher because of what he eats. It might be a lot of work, but if you list the things he has to buy such as garbage bags, shampoo, etc and things you will buy. If he eats all of the food quickly, just get food for yourself. It will be a pain, but he most likely doesn't see what he is doing. It probably doens't all gel together in his mind even when you are saying it. He might have his own set of issues that interfere with doing things in a fair manner.

    Also, when it comes to what you want in a relationship than what he gives, that probably won't change much. Do you really want gifts from someone because you are forcing them to change their behavior when the gift means nothing to them? If those things are important to you, it might just be time to part even if it means you will have all of the bills.

    I wish you the best figuring out how you want to handle this. He doesn't sound like a bad guy overall, but if he isn't for you, then he isn't for you.

    fyi, I didn't read all of your replies before I posted this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2018
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  29. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    What strikes me most about all the comments is the food issue. People in a committed relationship don't make the purchase, eating, or not eating a major part of the relationship.

    This is why I think you have already emotionally left the relationship...now you just have to do it physically.

    You deserve better than you are receiving.
     
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  30. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

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    True. Plus, what if both partners are male? LOL!
     
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  31. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

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    I do all the grocery shopping because he has zero patience in the grocery store. He likes to go down each aisle in order. I, on the other hand, am all over the place when I'm shopping. After all these years, though, we've had zero issues involving food. None whatsoever.

    ETA: except for the time I told him to save me the last Klondike bar and it mysteriously disappeared. Years later, I haven't let it go! Haha!
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2018
  32. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    I could never shop with you, YTG! When I do my big weekly shopping, I go up and down every aisle even if I know I don't need anything there.

    Master Pre-K--it's clear that money is already an issue in your relationship, and has been for a long time. Some pretty significant discussions are required.
     
  33. Kindergally

    Kindergally Rookie

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    My SO and I aren't married but have been together for 12 years. Luckily, finances has never been an issue with us and we split things pretty easily. The mortgage and bills are split 50/50. I usually pay for all the groceries and household items but he pays when we go out to eat dinner, to fun events, the vet bills, and all the extra fun, gadgets around the house. It seems to balance out pretty well and we don't really argue about money. If I don't have cash and need something in cash, he will hand some over. And vice versa. It has just never been an issue.

    It almost sounds to me like you have more issues in your relationship than money. You should be able to have healthy, reasonable discussions with your SO without him screaming or making you feel bad. Maybe make a list of Pros and Cons to help you figure out some other underlining problems.
     
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  34. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I was going to add that. I want a partner who cares about me. If not, he might as well be a bad college room mate!
     
  35. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Thank you..

    I believe if you cared for one another, you wouldn’t clean out a box of crackers in one sitting. He’s not overweight, but definitely a nervous eater. Can have a full breakfast and then grab a bag of chips in the middle of a stressful conversation. But if you aren’t buying it, how could you use it up like that? Friend suggested shopping at Sams Club. That doesn’t help. Either it’s wasted because he forgets he opened 3 already or consumed in hours.
     
  36. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Well said...
     
  37. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Thank you...thank you all.

    I think every point I hear, I have said to myself. If you truly don’t want to give me a gift, why should I want to give you one?

    Again, had I not suffered the loss of loved ones, I probably would have ended this a long time ago.
     
  38. PetrMishikoff

    PetrMishikoff Rookie

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    Well, to me, I think if you truly love someone, you will do anything for him/her even if they don't treat you the same way you treat them. That being said, it all depends on how deep the love is and how good the relationship is. But at the end of the day, you are the only one who knows the truth and the decision is yours.
     
  39. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Almost everyone would tell you that they could use more money than they have. I don't think that what you're describing is really a money issue. Immediately, yes, money is the trigger, but it seems like the real problems are deeper than that. If your boyfriend hides stuff (including money) from you, that's something. If he yells at you, that's something. If you don't bring up heavy topics because you are afraid of his reaction, that's something. If he selfishly uses up resources meant for you or for the two of you, that's something. If he doesn't show you that he values you, that's something. If gifts are important to you and he won't give them to you, that's something.

    Sounds like it's time to be asking some tough questions about the state of your relationship.
     
  40. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    I'm sorry that you have suffered loss, but, speaking from experience, it is much, much better to be by yourself than in a relationship where you aren't valued.
     
  41. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    I think that you can deeply love someone and refuse to put up with their crap. It comes down to how much you love yourself, I think.
     

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