What would you think?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by funshine2381, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Haha, true...

    Well, my hubby and I lived together for two years when we were away at college. I'm glad we did. Honestly, there's people who waited to live together/have sex and still end up in divorce. So, I really don't see anything wrong either, in my humble opinion. :)
     
  2. GoldenPoppy

    GoldenPoppy Habitué

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    Jun 17, 2010

    The cow and milk analogy is highly offensive, unless you are, in fact, a bovine.

    DH and I lived together for 19 years before we were married and we'll be celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary on Monday. It worked for us because we were very clear about what we were doing...I wasn't trying to "get" him to marry me.

    There is much more going on with the OP's situation than simply living together.
     
  3. shouldbeasleep

    shouldbeasleep Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    We're veering way off course, but in a interesting way.

    Funshine, I'm glad you came on here to ask for comments. People on this forum can be so helpful. It's like one big family with all sorts of advice. All is given with honesty and sincerity. We wish you the best.

    And I would like to marry you, Dave. Can I be wife #4? It will have to be over the Internet only. Sort of a virtual marriage. That way I won't have to make any co-decisions and I can simply turn off the computer if I'm not in the mood. (I should delete that last line, but I just can't.)
     
  4. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    A couple of thoughts...

    funshine, what are the ways you feel she's trying to ingrain herself in your BF's life? Aside from the wanting him back, etc. Is she still trying to get him to help her with decisions/repairs? Does she still want to talk to him about non-children related topics? Or is it just the fact that she's always going to be around and has still has feelings for him that has you so confused?

    Relationships aren't always easy and like people, they don't always fit in boxes. Some of us met our perfect match; some of us met our perfect match but have issues anyway; some of us keep giving it the old college try even though we've been in bad relationships. Let's just try to stay respectful of everyone's personal life choices.
     
  5. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Well, I'm not trying to "get him to marry me." I've been proposed to before, and if I was so desperate to get married, I would have jumped on that. He is now happily married and has a new baby. My situation is different. At first, I said I would never move in with a man before marriage....well, now that's there's all these other factors in this relationship, I want to try it out before. I want to know if I really can handle 2 disabled children and everything else that goes along with it under the same roof. One loves loud noises, the other has sensory issues and loud sounds are like fingernails on a chalkboard to him. It seemed to be going well though. I know some might blast me for setting a bad example for my child,....but hey, I'm doing the best I can. As far as the buying the cow and milk and all of that...there are plenty of women who just want to live with a man and will milk em for everything they've got and then hit the road. I most certainly didn't want to come across as this needy woman, waiting for him to marry me. The two of us both know we have a time line and that us living together was never going to be a long term situation. I was just kind of upset that he wants to get me this expensive ring and can't afford it...but gave his x wife's ring back to her. (she did in fact cheat and she never asked for it back)
     
  6. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Jun 17, 2010

    I'm female, 55 years old, been a perpetual student of human nature, and I've seen a lot.

    I'm not personally judging anyone and my opinion is just as valid and important as any one elses. I know of no cads in my life; I'm really blessed to be surrounded by great men and women. I live a very rich, fullfilled, and happy life.

    We're human. The OP's boyfriend hasn't finished grieving over a lost relationship, he needs time to get over it. She'll end up being the CLASSIC B@#%# about everything because he needs to finalize his other relationship. She won't be her best at being a mom, step mom, or significant other until the other relationship is over. I just think the OP would be WISE not to move in with him until he's over this other relationship. I have little sympathy for people who knowingly make bad choices. If she really loves him, she'll back off and give him some much needed time.

    My comment had nothing to do about not buying the cow, it's just based on logic, the course of human nature, and the setting in this relationship. I would advise anyone to keep their life and relationships uncomplicated.

     
  7. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Chebrutta- She called often about how she doesn't have money...how her x boyfriend broke into her house and stole all her jewelry and some of her belongings (the wedding ring she got back was stolen recently anyways!) She calls and wants to talk about her job situation and wants advice from him on what she should do or where she should move. (Just get off your behind and go get one!) He is not her husband anymore. I feel like she is still leaning on him for emotional support....that's not his job anymore.
     
  8. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Jun 17, 2010

    This is unfortunate. But, it's his job to tell her to back off and until he's ready to he won't.
     
  9. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    He did tell her actually....and the phone calls are definitely less frequent.
     
  10. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    How does he react? Does he answer the phone, listen, and give advice? Does he seem annoyed by it or does he think it's ok? How often is she calling?
     
  11. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Yes, he would listen and give her advice. This woman talks a mile a minute and it's hard to get a word in anyways. Yes, he does seem annoyed...annoyed that she doesn't have her life together. I was just trying to make him realize that as long as his son is taken care of, it's not his job to try to put the pieces back together for her. They were married for 10 years....I can see how easy it could be to slip back into the roles each other played before they were divorced....I have a problem with it and it's not going to stop over night- but it is getting there. My bf does anything for everyone....he's just that type of man. If his friend called him in the middle of the night to come help him fix a flat or whatever...he would jump right up and do it. He goes out of his way to help others. He is wonderful to me and to everyone else....but just a little too wonderful to her too.
     
  12. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Oops... we're posting at the same time!

    It's good that the calls are less frequent. To be honest, at this point, I'd do what some others have said and step back for a moment. She'll never stop calling, because of the children, but she may always try to work in some other issues.

    How much of your unhappiness is just the "fact" of her versus what she does?
     
  13. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    I honestly wouldn't care if she called him everyday and they talked for an hour or two.....about their SON! They have a co-parenting relationship now, her personal issues should be left out of it.
     
  14. sue35

    sue35 Habitué

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Ok I just read all the posts and one thing rings loud and clear: You REALLY dislike this woman. Everything you have said about her has been really negative and I think that is going to be what hurts your new relationship the most.

    She is going to always be in your life. There will be pictures taken of her, she will be at holidays. Not only do does your bf and her have a history of raising a child together, they have a history of raising a handicapped child which could make them closer.

    I think you both have to sit down and discuss your issues with her together. Otherwise this will not work.
     
  15. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Of course, you've been in a relationship with this man since 2008, I believe. I feel there has been ample time for him to resolve these issues and if I were you, I would be worried he's not as worried over them as I am.
     
  16. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Yes it might seem like I'm very negative about her, but I don't think so. I guess I have my own issues because I'm very independent and was forced into single mom hood at a very young age...with no one to listen to me or a shoulder to cry on. I just sucked it up and took care of business. I'm a lot younger than her too (there is a 15 year age difference between my boyfriend and I). I did so much as a young mother...and I guess a part of me thinks that she is a 40 year old woman and needs to put her "big girl panties on" and realize that my bf is not going to be there to sort out her issues all the time.
     
  17. TiffanyL

    TiffanyL Cohort

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Funshine, I sent you a pm last night but I don't think you saw it.
     
  18. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Oh, I will check and see....I'm still kind of new to this :)
     
  19. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Tiffany, did you get it? I had to write it twice and it's still showing no messages sent ! :(
     
  20. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Hmmmmmmmm thinking ...........
     
  21. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    sounds like a hell of a friend are you sure you really think it is bad that he is so helpful?
     
  22. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    No, I don't think it's bad at all. It's part of why I love him so much...he goes out of his way to help others. (of course his family comes first)
     
  23. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    You know it's really strange- I haven't been much of a religious person here lately...I used to go to church, but I haven't been in a while. Today, while I was cleaning, I heard a soft knock on the door. I opened it up and there stood two ladies with bibles. The first thing she said was "Hello, my name is Mary, and I was just wondering if you think that having true peace is really possible?" I've been thinking so much lately about life...that her question broke me down and brought me to tears. She seemed kind of startled and was wanting to know what she could do to help me. I told her "thank you", grabbed her little booklet and closed the door.
     
  24. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    I was going to say something about religion back on Post #53 but chickened out

    This could be a sign that you need to "get some "me time" and think about it "
     
  25. gigi

    gigi Groupie

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    Jun 18, 2010

    I agree with IrishDave, you need to try and find some "me" time to sort things out in your mind.
     
  26. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Jun 18, 2010

    You have the opportunity now to make some wise decisions about where you're going with your life.

    Add another kid to the picture, along with an enduring & loving X wife who probably knows she pushes all your buttons and enjoys it, an indifferent BF to your feelings, plus two kids with life issues may be more than you want to deal with.

    If you're just 25 and your BF is 40, he KNOWS what he's doing. Forget my previous post about him grieving a lost relationship, he's lived enough to know what's right and wrong.

    Mary knocking on your door with a Bible is no coincidence, there are no accidents.

    I have a daughter who is 26, she's happy, she's having fun, she has a beautiful 14 month old and a wonderful husband. For five years she suffered with a deadly heart condition, she knows life is short. You should want to find happiness.

    I've had friends who have always chosen to take the miserable path. I don't know why but once they start down that road they must think that's the way it's supposed to be.

    Big hugs funshine.
     
  27. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 18, 2010

    I missed that I am trying to wrap my brain around that. I am now seeing red flags I am thinking there are more red flags that I was glossing over.

    Looks like my Dad mode is kicking in
    BTW how did you meet him in the first place
    Oh have you mentioned what your parents have said about it.

    if you have mentioned it before I apologize I have been all over the Net the last couple days
     
  28. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Jun 18, 2010


    Here it is Dave, you're just like me, red flags went to flying!
     
  29. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 18, 2010

    This is reminding me of that other recent thread by mrachelle87 titled Sister Vent where the poster's sister's fiance is a LOT older & she (mrachelle87) doesn't like this guy at all & he has nothing to show for his 50 something yrs on this earth. Red flags there too.
     
  30. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 18, 2010

    Ms. I- This situation is not like that all. He has plenty to show for his 44 years.
     
  31. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 18, 2010

    I didn't say it was exactly, it just reminds me ot the other thread.

    Again, the best of luck to you in whatever happens! :)
     

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