What would you think?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by funshine2381, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. emmakate218

    emmakate218 Connoisseur

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    Jun 16, 2010

    It sounds to me that your boyfriend (remember, that's all he really is at this point since he's yet to make anything official) never had the opportunity to fully "rebound" after ending his relationship with his ex-wife. You did mention that he was still sleeping with her up until the point that y'all began dating, correct? All that you're witnessing - the keeping of the piano, the "forgetfulness" that the wedding dress is in the closet, etc. are all part of the grieving process. Unhealthy? Yes, but it's reality.

    You're in a relationship with a man that has yet to fully grieve the end of his last relationship.
     
  2. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Calling someone Bubba and telling someone to put their big girl panties on is pretty much the same in my book :)
     
  3. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010

    OK I had 3 ex wives and a couple girlfriends but I have experience.
    I have walked the walk and I talk the talk
    I am trying help you understand what it is like to have an ex in the picture.

    Thinking about the bubba remark are you thinking since I am in North Carolina that I am a bubba? Well my pedigree has many fine people in it one ancestor was the English governor of Hong Kong, my father was an executive with a office near the twin towers while they were being built. I have not lived in a bubba state until last year.
     
  4. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    LOL! Well, these big girl panties I've got on right now are kind of worn out...I need to go put on another pair! :)
     
  5. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jun 16, 2010

    I apparently didn't read all of the posts carefully before writing my own.

    To the OP, I missed the fact that they were still sleeping together after the divorce up until the time you came into the picture. I apologize if you're having to repeat information for me, but when did they divorce and when did you start seeing him?
     
  6. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010

    OK I guess you being new have never read "the big girl panties" when it has been used on this forum.
    and I guess coming from a male I might be a little unpretentious
    so I am sorry I use the colloquial phrase
     
  7. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Oh the mental picture
    kind of like my grandmother's clothes line :spitwater::lol:
     
  8. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Good point I forgot about it being actual grieving
     
  9. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Just me- They divorced 5 years ago and I started seeing him in November of 2008. Irishdave- I get the big girl panties thing. My point is that mine have BEEN on. They are worn and cutting me at the waist! I just took her other son with another man on a 3 hour trip to drop him off with her. I changed her other son's (the one that isn't my boyfriend's) diaper. I have been more than trying to work with this woman. Please don't judge just from the little info I've been sharing on here....I've been a big girl about this- at least I think so.
     
  10. shouldbeasleep

    shouldbeasleep Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010

    I think you should back off and take a big breath before making any decisions. Too many questions are coming from you.

    There is a lot of good advice on here. I personally agree with Cerek that you might want to think about moving out. It sounds like a lot of drama.

    You do have the right to limit the involvement of the ex-wife, but I'm with Dave on this one. Perhaps (ducks a bit) you aren't comfortable with her because you are unsure of your boyfriend's feelings for her? If you were sure, you wouldn't care whether she opened gifts at your future in-laws. You'd feel sorry for her that she hasn't moved on. You'd want the son from the marriage to feel thrilled that both his parents are so much a part of his life.

    You wouldn't be asking for advice from strangers. (Not that we don't love giving advice. :hugs:
     
  11. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    I just know she wants to get back with him and complains about her life all the time to my x. I know my boyfriend loves me and doesn't want her back, but as I said earlier,....my boyfriend has a heart of gold and can be easily manipulated. When I say manipulated, I mean into doing things that aren't his job anymore. Yes, I admit that it's kind of sad that I'm asking advice from strangers. I don't have many friends in this area and my boyfriend makes me think that I'm just being a jealous freak. So, I was just wanting to see what others ....who have nothing do with it think. :)
     
  12. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jun 16, 2010

    I disagree. I think a person can be completely secure in her relationship and simply not want her partner's former flame at family functions.

    But, for the record, after reading every post...I wouldn't feel very comfortable in this relationship for a few reasons.
     
  13. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010


    jealous yes freak no

    I think you should take a big breath (didn't shouldbeasleep say that)
    and just put all the legos together (metaphor) as you know legos do not have to be put together the same way each time a child plays with them, some times they are a house, sometimes a airplane, sometimes a boat but they are still "colorful interlocking plastic bricks" take your legos (fears, jealousy, your independence, your intelligence) and build something new.
    The legos are what you have now you can make (build) them any way you want.
    Go to a near by lake and skip stones
    sit in a tree
    lay on your back and see things in the clouds
    just work on a different paradigm​
    see if you can change your mind set
    I am sure if you get some "me time" and think about it you will come up with a solution

    I mean look how you responded to me :D a old curmudgeon

    I will give you a homework assignment :rolleyes: write down things that she does that you can over look, once, twice, thrice etc.
    then remove the ones you can over look the most
    then come back and reorder the list again remove the ones you can over look the most etc, see if that helps you
     
  14. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

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    Jun 16, 2010

    I am surprised no one mentioned this (and sorry if they did)...

    Marriage is a decision for both parties. No one is ever going to tell me that we are getting married and when. You said he told you that the two of your are getting married "in the fall". I have a problem with that (as well as other things mentioned). I decide when I get married- someone is not going to tell me when.
     
  15. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Thank you Irishdave.... I will definitely think about it....some more! Too bad you don't live in Texas, we could get a beer and I could hear more of your words of wisdom...straight from the horses mouth. I do love beer and you are Irish, right? :lol:
     
  16. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Giraffe...you have a point and I mentioned that to him. I said "why are you going to tell me when we are getting married?" I'm taking a big step back right now. He said he just wanted to wait until the house sells...and blah blah then I will get the ring I deserve. I don't know...like I said....if he proposed tomorrow, I'm taking a big step back and going to do some serious soul searching.
     
  17. TiffanyL

    TiffanyL Cohort

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Sorry to hijack but, Irishdave, you are just too darn cool!! Its no wonder you have 3 ex-wives, you could probably have 10 more if you wanted with your patience and infinite wisdom! :D
     
  18. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    yeah i know....lol :lol:
     
  19. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Well thank you (I hope it was a compliment)
    My patience comes from 34.5 years as a middle school teacher
    My infinite wisdom well when you make as many mistakes as I have you have to learn something
     
  20. TiffanyL

    TiffanyL Cohort

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Dave, it was totally a compliment, in the sincerest form!

    Funshine, no one can quite describe the feelings involved when there is another woman in your husband's life. It feels horrible, even when you know you have to make the best of it and do the right thing.

    My husband and I both come with ex's and blended our families together. It was difficult in the beginning but I can tell you that it does get better with time.

    Here's the cold, hard truth: your fiance is acting this way because his ex is the woman he has been in a long-term relationship with, not you. He wants to be with you, wants to start a life with you. However, as women, we want men to turn off past feelings like a light switch. It doesn't work that way. Men develop feelings slowly, over time. And, they let go of feelings slowly over time. This is a huge plus, and positive quality about men, unless of course you are the woman waiting. Women, on the other hand, can be much more impulsive. They make up their minds much more quickly.

    Again, it will get better. In time, it will no longer be an issue. You will no longer feel threatened and it will be clear that you two are rock solid. It just takes time for that transition to complete itself.
     
  21. Jem

    Jem Aficionado

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Also remember that there are approx. 3 billion men out there, Funshine. I know you have feelings for this man, but no one is forcing you to be with him. If he's acting in a manner that bothers you, and is attached in any way to a woman who bothers you, it is totally your prerogative to just up and leave. You are not married, you do not have a child together yet-it's your life. We should not enter or continue in relationships where we struggle to change the other person in any respect. We should accept our partners where they are and look forward to growing with them. If that's not the case, it sounds like it's time to cut ties and find that man who IS the perfect match, sans migraine-inducing ex-wives. This woman seems to be a pretty huge part of his life, and I doubt she is going ANYWHERE. Nor should she, as my last post pointed out.
     
  22. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Thank you very much for that, Tiffany. Hopefully in time, I will be back on here with a better attitude and more secure about it all. After reading all the posts, I'm going to do some more soul searching. I will be moving in with my parents for the mean time, (I terminated my lease at my last apartment) and will see how much I mean to him. (or to each other...whichever way you want to look at it). I'm overwhelmed with all the support and replies....like I said, I don't have many friends in the area where I moved to...and the input has been extremely eye opening.
     
  23. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    In reply to Tiffany....It does feel horrible, when another woman is involved....God, it does.
     
  24. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    just say'n I am available :spitwater: I hear texas is a big place
     
  25. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    Jun 17, 2010

    I agree with all of the above and will add, do NOT move in with him, move out. I'm not being a prude but why should he marry you? He doesn't have to. I think moving in with a man is a huge mistake for any women. Marriage isn't just a matter of being in love with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with that person, it's also a business contract. I just think it's a losing proposition for a woman.

    Move out, give him time to grieve his loss.
     
  26. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I totally agree 150%, but SO MANY WOMEN do it! :mad: We all probably know at least 5+ women who are living w/ their men & aren't married. I'm glad both my BF & I agree on not living together before marriage. I wish a lot more women held their ground, then these men would start to learn that they can't have their cake & eat it too!
     
  27. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Why isn't it ever the woman wanting to have her cake and eat it too? Men are always at the heart of such criticism and that doesn't seem fair at all.
     
  28. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 17, 2010

    I know, in a way you're right JustMe. I should view things more from both genders perspectives. Hoot Owl & I (& I'm sure many others) talk from the females' viewpoint because, well...we're female so we'll tend to talk more about it from our POV (at least I believe Hoot Owl is femal too).

    Also, not that this should be an excuse, but I think society (I didn't say me personally) kind of believes women to be the smarter gender (sorry men), so I think people think women should know better. I mean men are known to be the dogs, the two-timers, the cads, casanovas, the this, the that...not that women can't be either. So it's almost like men will usually want to do something & it's up to us women to be sensible & ask ourselves if this is the right thing to do or not. (Not to be crude, but it's like the mentality of that saying: Women view sex as special & take their time w/ it, men just need a person & a place.)
     
  29. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I'm sorry.. I've just typed 3 different replies and deleted them all.

    I'll settle for this: No man in MY life is a dog, a two-timer, a cad, a Casanova, or anything of the type. Not my husband, not my brother, not my late dad or late father in law, not one of my brthers in law, not my son, not any of the teachers with whom I work, none of my neighbors or friends.

    I'm so very sorry if that has been your experience, but it most certainly has not been mine.
     
  30. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Well, it hasn't been my experience personally. I'm glad all the men in your life are outstanding, so are most of the ones in mine, esp the ones that count most in my life (dad & BF). If most men were that great, we wouldn't keep hearing statements, such as: It's hard to find a good man, all the good men are taken, etc., etc., etc.
     
  31. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    I like it how when men does these things, they are called dogs, jerks, casanovas, etc; but when women do it we find a way to turn it into the man's fault anyway. Women can do these things too and should be called exactly what the men are.
     
  32. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I don't think good men ARE the exception. I think that THAT half of the human race is a lot like MY half. There are good and bad, smart and stupid, kind and unkind... basically, they're as human as we are.

    And aside from TV, I'm not sure exactly where all those statements you keep hearing are being made. I don't recall them EVER being involved in any conversation I've been a part of.
     
  33. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Well, just like I said earlier how we probably all know at least 5+ unmarried women who live w/ a man, we probably also each know 5+ women who are trying to find someone too, but of course it's hard out there. Anyway, back to the orig topic... :)
     
  34. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Again.. multiple deleted responses.

    Anyone else want to take a crack at this???
     
  35. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Ms. I ... Same can be said about us as women... Hard to find a good woman!!!

    Alice... I've read this thread & wanted to comment a few times, but have refrained...

    I will just leave it with this...
     
  36. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Oh, Ms. I ... :(
     
  37. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    OK here comes a male's POV

    Lets see what do we men say:

    You feel trust, she trusts me enough to live with me

    Why buy the cow when the milk is free
    Best of both worlds
    God I am lucky
    Thank god we have no ties that can't be broken
    grunt grunt Me man
    wow all that and sex too
    Our love is strong we don't need a "peace" of paper
    Well if it doesn't work out I wont lose my stuff​

    as you see there was only one thing I could call positive to both

    Hard to find a good woman, yes
    think what I have to put up with and what she has to put up with me :lol:
     
  38. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jun 17, 2010

    My point, not that you're disputing it, is that many women think the same thing when they live with a man before marriage or perhaps without a potential marriage. It's not always "woe is me who must move in with this man to make him happy even though I desperately want to be married first". Just too many ridiculous stereotypes and generalizations being perpetuated...

    And actually, while I said many women may think the same way as men do in regards to this situation, that's probably inaccurate. I don't think most men or women feel they are getting one over on their partner when they move in together pre-marriage...I'm not expressing my approval or disapproval for the move, just sayin'.
     
  39. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

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    Jun 17, 2010

    I get personally offended every single time this topic comes up. I just want to put that out there. Every single time.
     
  40. Anne wmcosuvamu

    Anne wmcosuvamu Companion

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    Jun 17, 2010

    Me too. Living together should be a mature decision made between two adults who wish to share their lives, not as a desperate attempt from one party of any gender to keep a person who seems to be drifting away.

    My husband must be rather unintelligent because he bought the cow who moved into his barn for free. :rolleyes:

    I did read in a book somewhere a response to the old cow/milk adage:
    Would you buy a pair of pants without trying them on?
     

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