What would you think?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by funshine2381, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    I'm about to be marriedto a man who was married for 10 years before me. He had her $6,000 wedding ring (they divorced 5 years ago) and recently gave it back to her because he "wanted to get rid of it." He keeps telling me that we will get married sometime later this year, but I have yet to get a proposal or a ring of my own. On the other hand, he talks about getting a bigger house together. Right now, he has a smaller house (guess he's counting on my combined income for the larger house) and has his x wife's piano and wedding dress in his guest bedroom. I mentioned to him that if and when we decided to get a house of our own, that her stuff would have to go and that my house would not be a "storage facility for *****" He seemed to give me attitude about this and gave various reason about why he should keep them. He said he wants the piano for his son, but the piano is not his son's.....it is his X WIFE'S Why would need her wedding dress? Shouldn't the x wife have all that already? Please, someone give me some advice!!! I moved to an area where I don't have a lot of emotional support....your input would be greatly appreciated!!
     
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  3. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I've never heard of an ex-hubby wanting to keep his ex's wedding dress! Is his ex even trying to get any of this back? Actually, he can tell you anything. Who knows what the "real" story is. I don't know why he was holding onto the ring all this time.

    What is this! Was he hoping to maybe give you the same ring, but maybe his ex finally demanded it or something? He's not trying to somehow suggest that you wear the old dress too is he?! I find all of this pretty strange.

    I'd have him investigated, especially if you notice any kind of red flags, strange things happening, etc. Who knows what he's really up to. My mom's all for women having their fiances invesitgated before marriage, just to mk sure everything's on the up & up.
     
  4. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I can see wanting to keep some parts of ex for his son.

    But her wedding dress??

    How is the piano HER'S-- isn't it THEIRS?

    It sounds to me as though he's not really ready to commit. You may want to concentrate less on that home together and rethink the marriage idea.

    You say you're "about to be married" yet have no proposal... I'm not sure the two of you are on the same page.
     
  5. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    This is a little strange. I don't really have any advice for you. I'm sorry that you're in this position. It sounds like he's not telling you everything, and that would make me think twice.
     
  6. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    We just moved in together...he says we will get married this fall. The piano was his x wife's because she inherited it from her grandmother. The x cheated on him and now has another kid with another man. He kept her ring because she "broke her vows". He said he gave it back to her because he didn't think he should be holding on to it anymore since he is with me now...yet I don't have my own ring. He put his home up for sale and said I would get a ring when the house sells- but he could afford to give her expensive ring back. I pitched a fit about the dress and he took the wedding dress and threw it on the garage floor...said he didn't care about it. Thanks for the replies....I just don't know anymore.
     
  7. INteacher

    INteacher Aficionado

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    Here's what I think honey . . . do not buy anything with him, do not loan him any money, do not buy a house with him, do not co-sign a loan for him, do not intertwine yourself with him financially. The fact that the piano is his ex's grandmother's makes him having the piano even stranger.
     
  8. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    I do find it all stange. :huh:

    I'm accustomed to complete transparency and honesty, and something seems less than that here...and I hate that for you.
     
  9. gigi

    gigi Groupie

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    I agree with INTeacher, be very careful. There is no commitment, only a verbal "we will when".... It's creepy to me that he would keep the ex's dress, shouldn't he have given it back or better yet burned it a long time ago? How old is his son? Does he have a place of his own so he could take the piano? Sounds like he can't completely cut the ties to the ex.
     
  10. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    Oh, sweetie. What a crappy situation.

    Here's what I think: Listen to the AtoZers. They aren't involved in the situation and can give the objective outsider's view. And they are almost always right. They gave me some of the best advice about my relationship than anyone in "real life" ever did.

    I was engaged for 2.5 years with nothing more than "We'll get married soon." I had to get a restraining order against his ex for harassing phone calls - and he was upset with me when I did. His mother constantly butted into every aspect of our lives. Our finances were tangled and while I'm sure the economy had *something* to do with our problems, his inability to manage money seriously messed up my credit. He was constantly doing anything and everything for other people, yet when I needed something, it was put on the back burner. He was really good at making a show when I would get angry about something (ex's wedding dress on the garage floor, anyone?)... but then nothing would change.

    I loved that man, and I do think he is a good man - just not ready to be a grown-up, responsible adult in a serious relationship. I'm sure you've thought that you were overreacting to some things, but honey - if you have to think it, then obviously it is a problem, no matter how small it seems.

    I know you just moved in with him, but if he didn't get rid of his ex's stuff BEFORE you moved in, that says a lot about him. Please take a step back before a serious commitment and make sure that you have all of your issues resolved before you get married. It's better to postpone the wedding to make sure of your relationship rather than get divorced in a few years.
     
  11. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Yet apparently someone ELSE did or it would have been long gone, right??? So he threw it on the floor because it doesn't matter to HIM?? Instead of, I don't know-- dropping it off the next time he dropped off their son??? Uncontrolled anger is NOT, NOT a good sign of things to come!!!!

    Please, think twice about becoming any more emotinally involved with this man. And keep your finances totally separate.

    Unless I'm reading this wrong, you would be happy with a very modest ring and a firm date, right??? Not a billion dollar, "when the house sells" kind of ring, but a "my next paycheck" ring???

    If you were my sister or daughter, I would urge you, plead with you, to find the door.
     
  12. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    I agree with the advice you have been given. Run...don't walk to the nearest door!
     
  13. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Threw the dress on the garage floor?
    Does this man still tantrum?

    If so, reason #23 why to proceed with extreme caution. Maybe even proceed towards the door.

    If the dress was really no big deal then it wouldn't have ended up on the garage floor in anger.
     
  14. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Red flags everywhere. Proceed to the nearest emergency exit.
     
  15. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    He says I was a making a big deal about the dress for nothing...that it was back in the closet and he didn't even think about it being there, that it's no big deal to him, but since I kept going on about it, he threw it on the floor...he says I'm obsessed with his x wife. I don't think I am, I just don't understand it. Yes, I would be perfectly fine with a regular ring and not a very expensive one. He said I will get one soon but it won't be the ring that he thinks I deserve. He also said he's going to talk to my dad this weekend about us getting married....I guess for his approval. Now it all kind of seems forced. Oh well....I don't know.
     
  16. Cerek

    Cerek Aficionado

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Here's the perspective of another man whose wife broke the wedding vows.

    We each bought our own rings, so that was not an issue when we split up. If I HAD bought a $6,000 ring, you can be dang skippy I would have wanted it back (actually, the number of rings I bought her during the marriage amounted to more than that). I know jewelry given as a "gift" becomes the property of the recipient (believe me, I found that out in the property settlement), but since she broke the wedding vows, she violated the terms under which the gift was given. Yeah, I know that is a stretch at best, but I would have fought as hard as I could to keep the 6k ring, especially if I had had it this long already.

    The piano - maybe the ex doesn't have room for it at her place or doesn't really want it, even though it belonged to her grandmother. If the son does use it, I can see keeping that. We had several blankets and quilts my made by my mother-in-law and my ex left these in our house when she finally moved out. I was kinda surprised she didn't want to keep quilts that had been handmade by her mother, but I kept a few of them because we had used them on the boys bed. They are still in storage and I will probably just donate them to a local thrift shop when I clean the storage unit out.

    Wedding dress - There is definitely NO good reason at all for him to be keeping that around. I didn't have anything to do with the making or payment of my ex's dress and I sure didn't want it around after we split up. However, since he does still have it and it "doesn't mean anything to him anymore", why don't you suggest selling it on eBay (instead of throwing it on the floor) and see how he reacts? You can always use the excuse that doing so would give some money to the two of you and keep the dress from going to waste. (Anybody remember the big, burly man that "modeled" his ex's wedding dress on eBay several years ago? I think he ended up getting around 3k for it. :D )

    Temper tantrum - Even though I'm trying to give the "man's side" here, I agree with everyone else that this is a MAJOR red flag. I would be VERY cautious about going any further in the relationship with him. Now that you've moved in together, not only is he getting what he wants from the relationship, he also has the potential to put you more under his control.

    Want to know if he REALLY loves and cares about YOU? Move back out and tell him you won't be going back into his bedroom until your wedding night. This will either make him wake up and realize he needs to let go of the past and focus on the present OR it will show you what he really cares about in the relationship.

    Even if he does change his ways and everything seems "ok", I would still be extremely leery about mingling your finances. Is his current house big enough for the two of you and his son? Then you don't need a bigger house. I would also suggest, even AFTER the marriage (if it happens), that you keep a separate savings account in your name only and keep putting part of your money in there. Then, if the marriage goes bad, you'll have a bit of a cushion to help you through.

    I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you. :hugs: Just keep your eyes open. ;)
     
  17. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

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    Is this house where he lived together with his ex, or did he move there after the divorce?
     
  18. MrsKP

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    So... I may be way off base here, but from your posts it sort of sounds like you already know what you should do.

    Breaking it off is hard, but you don't want to go into a marriage that you don't feel good about. Don't worry about justifying your decision to him or to anyone else. That is no one's business but yours. All you have to say is "I don't think this will work out," and then leave. Have a plan for where you will go and what you will do before you break it off. Let your parents know you are going to, that way he won't be able to convince you to stay. As women, we need to stick to our gut feelings. They are usually right. Hugs to you... I know it's tough.

    If I'm completely off base, feel free to ignore me. I just get the feeling that you want out and are nervous about it.
     
  19. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    This is so great! So glad you posted this.
     
  20. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    I think it is the "oh wells," and "I don't knows" that make it seems like she feels defeated and just needs to exit.

    I dated quite a bit and had two marriage proposals that I knew better than to accept. Fortunately, I was smart enough to put my "want" to be married to the side and see that those 2 men would have been a less than successful marriage.

    When I met my husband there was not an ounce of drama between us. We just "fit." We were so easy together. I don't know if that happens to everyone, but the "baggage" we brought to the relationship was minimal and we didn't have anything to "figure out." We just meshed so well.

    When I compare what I just described to what you describe, your situation seems so messy.

    You're hearing from everyone to be super careful about your future with this man, with some push to just get out now.. I hope that you seriously consider what an unbiased audience is telling you.
     
  21. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    Okay, now, you should show him this website before you run. It's about a guy who's ex-wife cheated on him. He created this website to share all of the things he uses his ex's wedding dress for (as a towel, doggie bed, etc). Pretty funny.
     
  22. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    I think he's being judged a bit harshly here, given that we're only hearing the information from you and he has no chance to give it a bit of color.

    That said, I more or less agree with Cerek.

    I don't think he's trying to scam you or trick you necessarily based on what you've said, but he may have some internal issues with his ex that are still unresolved. One might hope that after five years he might have resolved them, but I don't know. I feel pretty strongly that if my wife ever divorced me* I would never be in another relationship ever.



    * I really don't think there's anything she could do I wouldn't forgive her for.
     
  23. emmakate218

    emmakate218 Connoisseur

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    :lol:

    That blog is so funny. The dress as a coffee filter is hilarious!
     
  24. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    The house we live in now is the house he bought with his x wife. We would need a bigger house in the future because of my son, his son, and the child(ren) we hope to have. Of course my income would be involved, I'm not really sure why I said that earlier. We do have quite a bit of baggage between the two of us. Both of our son's have special needs. My son's father is not involved in our lives at all....so I get the other extreme with his x wife. Last Christmas, I found out that she hung out at his family's (he was there) for 2 hours while picking up the son or dropping him off. I found some pictures he took of her with their son opening presents. I was not there, I was at my family's. Last summer, the x stayed at his house (I was not living in the house at the time) while we went on a little vacation. He said it would be easier on his son if they just stayed at his house and not at her mother's because it is cramped. He babysat her other son she had with another man once before (while we were dating). He asked my permission and I told him to do what he wanted, hoping that he would do the right thing. He says it's because his son is handicapped and he wants to have a good relationship with her. He says he has to communicate with her more since his son is not very verbal. When he left for work this morning, he took the box with the wedding dress with him...he said he was going to get rid of it. I feel like he brings up his son a lot as an excuse. Why did he have to take pictures of her opening presents during Christmas? If we are married, will I have to look forward to her being at my family functions with MY family? Don't divorced people not do this? My boyfriend has a heart of gold, he goes out of his way for everyone...he just doesn't realize that it's a bit inappropriate with his x wife. Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to me.
     
  25. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    I have been to many family get togethers with my ex-wife since we have a son and now a granddaughter together it makes sense to me.
    Maybe I am different but I still love all my ex wives and ex girlfriends but just because I love them doesn't mean I can stand to be around them. I do not think if you have kids with an ex wife it is wrong to do, what you have said on this post I stayed at my ex's house when she was out of town and my son had prom. I have celebrated with with my ex's family his birthday, at least 2 Christmases, a camp out and many other family gatherings
    first he is my son, and she is my son's mother, I think it would hurt my son and granddaughter to have us at odds
     
  26. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    I'm not saying to have them at odds, but if we are going to have our own children together and start our OWN family (don't forget we already have 2 between the two of us), I can't imagine having her at our family holidays. Maybe for a little while, to drop off the son or pick him up....but who is the wife here? She has told my bf twice since we've been together that she wants to get back together and still loves him. Am I selfish for wanting my own memories with my OWN family??
     
  27. gigi

    gigi Groupie

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    No you aren't selfish for wanting your own memories, unfortunately she is going to be part of your life because of the children. I wouldn't want to spend holidays with my x, nor would I want them at my family celebrations. Having been married 40 years I don't speak with experience about divorce, but with how I would feel. You have a lot of thinking and talking to do with the bf before you make any commitment that is for sure. Can you handle her being part of the holidays....sounds like he wants her to be. And forget the "for the kids sake" because they are divorced and have been for a few years. I agree with IrishDave that everyone should try to get along, but I don't agree with being included in every celebration. Good luck hon.
     
  28. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Remember you are about to become a blended family whether you like it or not.
    I DO think it is best to do it "for the kids sake"
    You need to accept your future husband's warts and all or call it off.
    First is it in the best interests of his child to have his mother involved. You agree don't you?
    Would you want a man who didn't care enough about his child's well-being to have his mommy present at special times?
    Remember I have 3 ex wives I DO KNOW from experience, gigi ;)
     
  29. gigi

    gigi Groupie

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    Bless you IrishDave!!! I am done with one hubby thank you very much! :)
     
  30. Jem

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    Yeesh. Am I the only one who is sick to her stomach after seeing those pictures? I understand that sometimes marriages don't work out, but yeesh. I just don't take divorace lightly like that.

    I do think you are totally off base to expect the ex will be out of your life. They have a CHILD together. And one that seems to really need as much support as possible. If my parents were seperated, I would expect both of them to be in my life as much as they were able, and in the same room as much as possible. When there are children involved, it is no longer about what the parents want-it's about what the child needs. And children need to be loved and supported by both of their parents.

    So anyhow, I do think you need to figure out what is best for you regarding the relationship, but if you do stay with this man, you need to realize that his child and his child's needs MUST come first to him. You would want the same thing for your child if your ex was still around and interested in having a relationship with your child, no?
     
  31. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    I understand all of that, it's just hard with a woman who is "still in love" with my boyfriend. I would be more ok with it if things had ended 5 years ago with their divorce, but it did not. They continued to sleep with each other on and off...right up until about the time he met me. She would call and tell him about her personal life and all of her problems. She is down on her luck because of bad decisions she has made....and it's not his role to listen to or her personal problems. Boundaries were not set in place before I was in the picture...and I'm having to set them now. I understand that there would be certain occasions that she would have to present and involved but no, I can't imagine having his x gathered around my Christmas tree opening presents on Christmas morning! She can do that separately at her house!! Or what, I should have her sitting at my Thanksgiving table or in the kitchen helping me prepare the turkey?!!
     
  32. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Believe me it is not all that bad,
    you just need put on you big girl panties and
    think what it will mean to your future step-son :soapbox:
     
  33. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Irishdave-
    So, I guess your x wife's husband was perfectly fine with you spending the night at his house, huh? Think what it will mean to my OWN son? He does not have a father. My son is disabled as well. My future step son will have a mother, father, and a step-mother who loves him very much. My son and our future children together will need him as well....there will be no time for their father to be having to deal with his x wife's problems and trying to sort them out for her. I put my big girl panties on a long time ago. I put myself through college, worked full time and raised my son my own. She had it made...didn't work, had a house and nice cars.... and cheated on him. Now, she is out in the real world and can't handle it. She drives a Lexus yet complains about her bills. I just traded in my 9 year old Pontiac grand prix with 160,000 miles on it for another cheap Pontiac. I should probably not be taking advice from a man who has been married 3 times and has had countless girlfriends. My big girl panties are on and on to stay, Bubba!
     
  34. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Well lets see I lived 180 miles from my ex when she had custody and it was my time for a weekend I slept on her couch when I had custody she came down and slept on my couch it saved both of us money not having to get a motel room.
    Many times I'd meet my ex at a McDONALD'S at 2:00 AM at the half way point to exchange my son.

    No one said it would be easy.

    You have to remember if your stepson's mom is upset, troubled, perturbed, dismayed, disturbed, unsettled, disconcerted, worried, bothered, anxious, agitated, flustered, ruffled, unnerved, shaken, unstrung, hurt, saddened or grieved he will feel it and reflect it You need to be the female role model. How you treat your husband, his ex, your son and him will tell him how to treat people.

    I hope it works out to a bearable relationship, bite you lip and be strong, remember it will only last until she is dead.
    My son is 26 and I still have to deal with my ex.
    Be bold take the higher road.

    Thank you haven't been called Bubba since my little sister was a little girl
     
  35. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    So, there wasn't a new husband or wife in the picture to upset while the two of you were having your sleepovers? There were plenty of times during my single mom hood that I was "upset, troubled, perturbed, dismayed, disturbed, unsettled, disconcerted, worried, bothered, anxious, agitated, flustered, ruffled, unnerved, shaken, unstrung, hurt, saddened or grieved", but I had to suck it up, load my son into our broken down Pontiac, get myself to my full time job, get to school, and take care of my son myself. What happens when I am "upset, troubled, perturbed..etc" while I'm working my full-time job (she doesn't work), taking care of my children and trying to be a wife? I've had my "big girl panties" on since I was 19 and got pregnant with my son. I didn't complain or cause drama because I made bad decisions. She has a college degree that my boyfriend paid for while they were married. There is no excuse. I have taken the high road and I am a very positive example to my son about working hard and not blaming others or asking for handouts. All I'm saying is that there needs to be BOUNDARIES....and I'm sadly,....slowly but surely, getting them all set up.
     
  36. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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  37. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I'm sorry-- did I miss the part of the thread where the posting requirements were??

    Because that's the most insulting thing I've read here in quite some time, and believe me, I've read a lot.

    Dave is one of the most caring, considerate members of this community. The fact that he didn't blast you for that, or for the "Bubba" line, is indicative of that fact.

    By the way, I've been married to the same guy since 1989-- is it OK that I reply?
     
  38. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jun 16, 2010

    About the so-called tantrum: This seemed to alarm a number of people. But, honestly, throwing a dress down on the garage floor during an argument doesn't seem so terrible to me. Not that anyone did, I don't believe, but this shouldn't automatically be connected to abuse or severe anger issues. I'm sure the OP was giving him heck about having the dress (as I would) and he was attempting to demonstrate to her he didn't give a darn about the dress (that it really is there because it was in the house the married couple shared and it simply hadn't found it's way out...not because he sneaks in the closet and night and longs for his ex-wife's return). I'm a good person and good wife, just as my husband is a good person and husband...we've done worse in our decade together. :whistle:

    About the involvement of his former wife: It seems too much. My dad came into my mother and stepfather's house once after my parents divorced. It was when my stepdad wasn't home and my brother needed help setting up a game system. It was neat but really odd having him in the house. My mom was in my dad's house also just once after the divorce...she stayed in the screened-in porch during car troubles in a snow storm. So they were a little extreme--we'd celebrate birthdays in the car--but this, too, seems extreme. ETA: Extreme just based on my experiences. My parents could have handled the divorce much better than they did, so the extent to which the ex-wife is involved seems extreme to me when in fact it may be the right thing to do and simply part of a healthy "broken and blended" family.
     
  39. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Alice- I'm sorry...here in Texas, Bubba is a bit of a term of endearment around here. I call my son Bubba. No big deal. Just saying that if and when I decide to get married...it won't be 3 times. Not knocking him for it....I'm just frustrated at the moment and probably don't need to hear the views of a man who has been married 3 times right now...my goal is to be married and stay that way.
     
  40. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Jun 16, 2010

    This will be your second marriage, correct??
     
  41. funshine2381

    funshine2381 Companion

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    Jun 16, 2010

    Yes, it will be my second marriage....and my last. I've been divorced for 9 years....don't take it very lightly.
     

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