What Would You Do?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out Archives' started by deedee, Oct 7, 2005.

  1. deedee

    deedee Connoisseur

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    Oct 7, 2005

    I was talking to my mom the other day and she had mentioned that she saw one of her good friends out the other night at dinner. My mother and father are good friends with this women and her husband. Well anyway when my mother ran into her recently she was out with another man. Of course my mother had her suspitions but she never really thought that this women would cheat on her husband. The women came to her one day ad confessed everything and wants her to keep it quite. My mom told me that she was going to keep quite but she feels awful becuse she was friends with the womens husband first.

    It got me thinking what I would do in that sitiuation ...? I really would be torn. What do you guys think?
     
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  3. Metzgirl

    Metzgirl Rookie

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    I personally would tell the friend that she had 1 week to tell her husband. At the end of that week, I would call the husband and say something like "I just heard about your wife! How are you two handling this situation?" If he acts suprised, I would tell him he needs to have a serious chat with her.
     
  4. gigi

    gigi Groupie

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    Wow, sticky situation. I don't know if I would tell the husband or not. I am really torn on that. I would have definitely told my friend that I saw her, and how upset I was about it, but don't you think it's up to her to tell her husband about her affair? Although someone is going to tell for sure. They don't seem to wantto keep it quiet, going out in public together, not even in a different area. If it was up to me I would mind my own business.
     
  5. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    I hope I would mind my own business.
     
  6. kinderkids

    kinderkids Virtuoso

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    I don't think it is fair for this woman to "confess" the whole thing and then expect your mom to be quiet! That is a very unkind thing to do or ask of your "so called" friend! By confessing to your mom, she made it your mom's business. I would tell her that.........and then suggest she go talk to someone professional who could help.
     
  7. Azelia

    Azelia Rookie

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    Oct 7, 2005


    Metzgirl,
    I agree with you.

    deedee,
    That is something that you just don't keep to yourself. What would you think about a friend of yours who knew your spouse was seeing someone else on the side. Would you want that person to keep it quiet?

    It is not wrong to speak up on the behalf of another. Often we think that we have no right to meddle in the affairs of others. However, we are a community, and we should look out for one another.
     
  8. tenndon

    tenndon Rookie

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    Oct 7, 2005

    Having been the husband in this type of situation I can give you some insight from that perspective.

    First, do NOT tell him. He may already know or suspect something but chances are he will not believe you and may even resent you for telling him.

    Second, just because you know something it does not mean you must tell it. This is about the lives of the people involved and their lives only. Yes, I know your mom was used as a confessional but I would almost be willing to believe she was told because the woman wants to get caught. Unloading the whole truth to someone not involved may have been her way of preparing to tell her husband.

    I hate this for all the people involved. It hurts. I know. Also, it is a personal and private matter. No matter what is seen or told by anyone it is ultimatley an issue between the married couple and all others need to be left out.

    Just the opinions of one who has been there, done that and even got to keep his T-shirt!!

    Blessings,
    Don
     
  9. kinder4me

    kinder4me Comrade

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    I have been in this situation before, I just couldn't be the one tell!!! I have a friend who's husband (now ex) was cheating on her and I found out about it. I didn't say anything but felt terrible. She ended up finding out (she had suspected something was going on). I just felt it was not my place.
     
  10. hwkhvn

    hwkhvn Rookie

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    If I was uncomfortable with the knowledge, then I would speak to the wife about how I felt. At the very least, I would ask her if she had given thought the the position she has placed me in and ask her to consider telling her spouse. It really is not my place to tell the husband.
     
  11. Azelia

    Azelia Rookie

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    I would want to know. I would not want to be the wife in the dark when everyone else already knew. I have known too many women in this position. I don't ever want something like that hidden from me. Better to get it out in the open and deal with it than the deception. I don't do lies, and I don't handle the protection of such things well. If my husband were to decide he wanted someone else, at least have the guts to stand up and say so.
     
  12. TeachWildThings

    TeachWildThings Comrade

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    My two cents: I like the idea of giving the option for the other person to tell, & for one reason above any other: HIV. The partner needs to know. And age doesn't matter. Seniors contracting the virus is on the rise. (Can you tell I'm currently taking a health class?) The partner has the right to protect themselves, bottom line.
     
  13. AMK

    AMK Aficionado

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    Oct 8, 2005

    Like some others I would def mind my own business in this situation.
     
  14. Malcolm

    Malcolm Enthusiast

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    I find this thread utterly amazing considering the concern expressed in other threads about kids tattling at school...
     
  15. kinderkids

    kinderkids Virtuoso

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    I don't get the connection. :confused: Those are two totally different issues......
     
  16. Beth2004

    Beth2004 Maven

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    There is definitely a difference between tattling and relaying life-altering information. "Johnny called me dumb!" and "Your wife is cheating on you." are two VERY different things. Would I feel like I should tell the husband? Probably. Would I take it upon myself to tell him? I don't know. Either way, telling the husband isn't exactly tattling.
     
  17. deedee

    deedee Connoisseur

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    I thought this might spark some debate !

    Tatteling is something I have never completely understood becuase a child cant distinguish what isnt important enough to tell and what is very important to tell. The lines get blurred to easily sometimes if tattling isnt explained correctly. -in my opinion

    In this case I dont believe tattling is relevant because of the nature of the question. I dont think i would say anyting, because I am non confrontational to begin with.
     
  18. sdhudgins

    sdhudgins Comrade

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    Oct 9, 2005

    Having been cheated on, and having had a friend tell me:

    I wouldn't tell.
    I didn't believe the friend who told me, and didn't believe until my husband told me himself.
     
  19. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    I agree. If I were that man I would feel so horribly embarassed if I found out people knew about it for a long time. I would also be furious knowing I wasn't told right away about it. Let's face it, sooner or later she will have to confess anyway. People like that always get caught no matter if it's a month or a decade down the line. I don't believe in adultry being a Christian woman and would be the first one to open my mouth because I already think societies morals have gone down the drain. Someone who commits an act like that deserves to be told on and caught. It's only fair to the other party to know the truth.
     
  20. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    How can you even compare that? You can't be serious. Common sense!

    The difference between someone telling me that my spouse is cheating on me is way different than someone telling me that my husband spilled soda on the carpet. Get it? You can not compare adult matters and childish games. Where have our morals gone to think that this issue could be considered tattling?
     
  21. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Oct 10, 2005

    This person isn't really a good friend to get your parents involved in her little secret- I would call the cheater in question and tell her in words to that effect: "Sue, you know I have always valued yours and John's friendship but I can't stand knowing this secret and feel that the position you put me in jeopardizes our realtionship as well as your own. I understand that this must be a very difficult situation for all involved but I prefer not to see you and John socially until you resolve this matter as the secret causes me personal conflict and pain. I don't want to betray your confidence but feel that you're asking me to be involved in this situation is a betrayal of our friendship. "
     
  22. hanvan

    hanvan Connoisseur

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    I would personally mind my own beeswax! You don't know if that person is a close friend, relative or what. Why get into something you know NOTHING about. I do understand that it may be something more and most of the time married women do not go out alone with another man. But still-unless it was my sister or bestest friend in the world I would stay out of it. More than likely if she is doing something wrong it will catch up with her in time.
     
  23. Beth2004

    Beth2004 Maven

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    Oct 10, 2005

    In the original post, Deedee stated that the woman came to her mother and confessed.
     
  24. hanvan

    hanvan Connoisseur

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    Oh sorry but I would still keep my mouth shut! She will expose herself sooner or later.
     
  25. kinderkids

    kinderkids Virtuoso

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    My question is, what is the motive for this woman to confess? I mean, does she have an underlying wish that she will be exposed by this woman? I know.......psychobabble, but still........I question why someone would confess if they really didn't want to be "caught".
     
  26. Lovelabs

    Lovelabs Comrade

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    If my husband was having an affair, I would want to know. If I found out a good friend knew and didn't tell, that would hurt me terribly.
     
  27. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    That's my thinking Lovelabs. I would have to do the "right" thing and I don't see how a good morally conscious person could keep that from someone.
     
  28. Lovelabs

    Lovelabs Comrade

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    Yes. If a friend knows, chances are others do. I don't want to be made a fool of, and I would never allow someone I love to be made a fool of either. And ya know, the happiness and well being of my friends is my business.
     
  29. hanvan

    hanvan Connoisseur

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    I am a very moral person (so that comment could be taken personally) but believe that unless I was BEST FRIENDS with her I would keep this to my self. People don't believe it until they want to any way.
     
  30. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    I stand by what I said. What I said is I don't see how someone who is that morally conscious can sit back and say nothing. I didn't say someone doesn't have morals if they don't. What I said is I don't understand how they could. Period.

    No matter if this is an aquaintence (sp?) or a best friend, it's not appropriate to have an affair. Point blank. People like that need to be caught and put in their place. How is it the appropriate thing to not say anything? Whether or not you choose to say anything or not, the "right" thing to do is tell the person. I understand it is a bold move and it takes courage and someone could know what the right thing to do is, but choose not to out of fear. However, I don't see how anyone who has been cheated on would be fine with finding out that someone knew and wasn't told. Even if the person doesn't believe you, at least you would know you did the right thing and wouldn't have to live with knowing a horrible secret. I wouldn't want to answer to God for it personally.
     
  31. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    I don't think the right thing to do is to tell. I think the right and courageous thing to do is to stay out of it and not interfere with the process of the marital relationship. I don't think extra-marital affairs are moral but I think the spouses have to deal with this on their own.
     
  32. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    I understand your side, I just don't agree:).
     
  33. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    I also would talk with the wife and not the husband. She should be getting help.
    If not then she should be leaving the husband. She needs to tell him how she feels. My ex cheated on me. If a friend had told me I would have hated them for butting in. I knew in a way he was cheating just didnt' want to believe it. Eventually I took a good look at where I was and where he was in our relationship and I left. When I left I had the support of my friends.
     
  34. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    See, I would be angry if a friend knew and didn't tell me. I think honesty is important and would be hurt if someone kept it from me.
     
  35. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    I think they helped me in realizing what was going on without coming out and saying it ya know. Like how why don't you go here at this time type of thing.
     
  36. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    Was it a marriage though? Not to make it seem like it's not a big deal, but to me, cheating on a marriage is quite different...you're married and bonded together for better or worse, you take the vows. It's precious and shouldn't be taken lightly. It's sad that some people take it lightly and not to be a big deal. I think that's why I would be mad. I'm married, my hubby and I took the vows, and it shouldn't be taken for granted or like it was "just a ceremony". Marriage is a HUGE deal. I would be upset if someone didn't tell me because of that marital bond. If it was a boyfriend (past tense of course), then I'd get over it, but if it's my husband, I'd be furious.
     
  37. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Well he canceled the wedding two weeks before. I went back until I found out he was cheating on me. So no marriage hadn't happened THANK GOODNESS!
     
  38. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    Thank God girl! Good thing you had the sense to walk away. Some people would have given him another chance. I was engaged once before I met my husband. Thank God I came to my senses about him. I probably would have lots of money since he's now making 6 figures, but that is nothing compared to marital bliss. I may not have the world, but I have God and my family! I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable:).
     
  39. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    I totally agree. He had tons of money to. Maybe that is what happens when you have money morals go out the window? (well not everyones but at least theirs).
     
  40. kinderkids

    kinderkids Virtuoso

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    Hey, I can join that club! I was engaged before, and he was shall I say, abusive? (but that started after the engagement......but I should have seen the warning signs) I dumped him! THank GOD!!!!! He has money now as well, but who'd want to live with that!!!!!!!!! I knew I deserved better.......and so, now married nearly 20 years......I got lucky! :)
     
  41. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    I guess we are a bunch of smart women! Glad you left him and are happily married.
     

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