As some of you know, my father passed away last week. His memorial service will be on Nov. 30th. My mom is taking everyone out to lunch immediately afterwards. She wants us to give all the attendees of my father's memorial service a little token of our appreciation, but NOT a gift card nor money. It will be about 12 or 13 people attending. Does anyone have any ideas please? (She's also giving those participating in the service a $25 GC & that is about 5 people. For where/what, we don't know yet.)
I've never been given a gift of appreciation at a memorial service/wake/funeral. I have, however, been given a thank you card for providing a meal for the family during the mourning period.
I have never heard of giving monetary or gifts of the sort you are speaking of. Cards of thanks to those that provide food or flowers are sent. Is this a cultural custom?
I've been to many such events, and the act of providing the meal is thanks enough. Traditionally, others reach out and provide food, solace to the family with loss, not the other way around. Tell mom that taking everyone out to a lunch on her dime is more than enough. Similarly, people who participate are generally more than happy to be involved in this one last thing they can do for their family member/colleague/friend. Paying them signifies that there was no true relationship with the deceased, and that they are simply hired, like the funeral home. If they aren't close to your dad, a monetary gesture may well be appropriate; however, if they were close to your dad, let them do this for him out of love and respect. To offer them money, no matter how well intentioned, cheapens their efforts. I assume that they are also going out to eat, so sharing the meal and their memories would be much more meaningful and appropriate. Memorial services truly should be about honoring the deceased, not about trying to figure out who gets paid what. I am a huge fan of a meal with attendees, for the reason of closure, and a chance to share stories and memories, which is at the heart of any memorial service.
A repast meal is lovely. No 'gift' is necessary. Most times there is a prayer card at funeral homes that can be printed with the deceased's name- that's the most I've ever seen in terms of a memento.
My mom is a church organist, and, therefore, attends countless funerals and memorial services. If she had a relationship with the deceased, she doesn't accept payment. The lunch is payment enough.
Agree lunch is enough. I have never heard of gifts for those who participated. I did my gpa's slideshow & hubby spoke my Gram mailed us separate thank you notes. She gave me some of the bulbs from the flowers in the baskets.
Not really. I just know he liked guitar music, played his harmonica from time to time, worked on cars, & collected model cars & tanks. He had a Harley motorcycle that he rode in his younger years. No, my mom just wanted to do it as an appreciative gesture.
I think your mom should do what she wants....money may make some feel uncomfortable though if it's not something that world be the cultural or regional norm. People attend and participate because they are and don't Exocet thanks. The repast is really enough. Condolences again, Ms. I.
I am uncle who liked to fish whose name was Bob so they passed out bobbers to everyone as a way to remember him. Maybe you could do something with a guitar pick or something.
A small framed photo might be a nice gift, especially if you have photos of your dad with the attendees.
Thanks for all your suggestions everyone & thanks for the condolences again czacza. I don't know what my mom will decide yet, so we'll see. I'll miss my father so, so much!
Sometimes when faced with such monumental loss, spouses and family will fall back on what they are comfortable with, simply because this is so important to them. I know your family is grieving, and everyone who feels your loss will understand that your mom is doing her best. I am sorry that you have lost your dad - losing my parents took some serious time to process, so my condolences and hopes that soon you will be started on the healing process as you remember the good memories, far removed from the last few months filled with the dread of loss. You can't replace your dad, but you can be grateful for a lifetime of memories that you can share with your mom. In less time than seems possible today, you will be able to share those memories without tears. Be well, and take the time you need to miss your dad. Be very grateful to still have your mom, and never take that for granted. I am sure that the memorial service will help bring closure.
Thank you Missy. Everything's pretty much set. My mom & I don't have to go out and do anything else, but we wanted to write tributes, which will be in the program. My mom's finalizing the obituary. I'll be typing up the programs. My mom wanted me to get Ghirardelli chocolates to each guest and $25 Starbucks gift cards to each person participating in the service in some way (singing a song, reading a scripture, etc.) My mom wants my cousin's wife to sing, "My Way" by Frank Sinatra, not that my parents were Sinatra fans, but the lyrics are fitting. vickilyn, thank you for your condolences & kind words. My mom asked if I wanted to say anything at the memorial service, but I just couldn't. I'm pretty positive I couldn't get through whatever I have to say without crying. I'm definitely taking it easier the rest of this year especially.
I was lucky when my dad passed away. I wrote what I wanted to say, and my BIL, a minister, delivered my words. It wouldn't matter if there tears, but, like you, I am actually not good speaking from the heart to a large group. Since I was credited with what was read, I was asked for a written copy by family members, which I supplied. Best of both worlds, I guess. My memories, someone else's voice. BIL had a few tears of his own while reading - no one held it against him.
How touching. This is the nearest & dearest person to me to pass away, so the feeling is different than let's say a grandparent or aunt passing. Of course, those people are very special too & I loved them, but of course this is a different feeling. For the first split second, when I wake up in the morning, I think it's not true & my father's still alive, but then the sad reality quickly comes.
Thank you everyone for your comments. Now, of course, no one in attendance expects or wants to get something in return, but... the other day, my mom had me get $25 Starbucks gift cards for those participating in the memorial service (the person who will sing, say a Bible verse, etc.) & then she told me to get ALL the guests Ghirardelli chocolates. They are a small box of assorted chocolates in nice boxes.
What a nice gesture from your mother. I am sure each will appreciate her expression of gratitude especially since she is the one bereaved. Prayers going up for you and your mother.
The memorial service was Monday and the entire day was just perfect, from the weather to how everything was done at the service to our big family lunch afterward. My mom didn't know if they'd do the gun salute, but they did in addition to the flag-folding procedure. It was a lovely farewell & gave a very satisfying closure for my mom & I. Now his ashes are laid to rest within the above-ground wall vault.
It is so calming when all goes well. I hope you and your mom are supporting each other as you continue to deal with this.
