What Things Do You Tolerate in a Relationship?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Ms. I, Oct 17, 2009.

  1. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Oct 18, 2009

    I agree. It bothers me so much when people tell me I don't know what I'd do until I'm confronted with a given situation. In some cases that is true. In others, it is not. Period.
     
  2. TeacherShelly

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    It is a shame, in so many ways. They got married the next year and divorced before their second anniversary. So sad.
     
  3. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    Insecurities and trust issues cannot make a marriage last. Hopefully he will find someone else.
     
  4. Ms. I

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    I'm 1/2 joking here, but probably because she found out that he had other female friends that she didn't want him to have. Now, I would have found all that out 1st before getting into a relationship w/ him. If he insists on keeping all these female friends, he's not the guy for me. :D
     
  5. msmullenjr

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    Right... You only live for me and I'll only live for you. We can just be with each other the two of us forever with no one else. Sounds like an after school special on suicide packs. CREEPY.:eek:hmy::eek:hmy::eek:hmy::eek:hmy:
     
  6. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    Well thats clearly not what it is about in every situation. In fact, his cheating wasn't even about "needs" it was about opportunity. I was in Canada and when I was in the US, there were times when he was on the road. The girls were there, and willing. I wasn't so I didn't know (except I did). The fact is, it was about the fact that he could, not that he needed sex.

    The problem is, you are still seeing cheating as being about sex. Its not, just like rape isn't about sex. Cheating is about opportunity and about things that are broken in the relationship on BOTH sides. Cheating is never the fault of one person - both people are indirectly responsible because cheating only happens (if sex addiction isn't an issue) when there is something broken in the relationship. If our relationship hadn't been broken, and that was as much my fault for refusing to move down south with him as it was his for not understanding why my education was so important to me, he wouldn't have cheated.

    He did and does love me - he is one of the exs I am very close to, and would never give up for anyone. We've been through far too much and share far too much history to just completely cut the other person out of our lives.
     
  7. TeacherShelly

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    Probably. She was like that.

    I'm not glad he's divorced, but I'm glad he isn't stuck defending himself or cutting off friendships because good-ol wifey would get mad.
     
  8. Ms. I

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    Now you're poking fun, hey fine w/ me!

    Hey, my parents do it. They've only been married once in their lives to each other now for 37 yrs & they don't worry about not having enough friends. My mom has lady friends that she talks on the phone with. That suits them...so be it. :)
     
  9. JustMe

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    I just asked my husband if he had any female friends. I knew the answer, but thought I'd ask anyhow. When he said no I asked if there were none at work he'd consider friends and he explained I'm the only woman he's willing to tolerate. Yeah, too bad ladies...this charmer is off the market. :rolleyes: / :)

    He of course asked why I asked in the first place and I told him about this thread. He agreed that people who are social are more likely to have female friends, but he is less social than I am...and this forum is about as social as I get. And I'm serious. Then he got into the whole "people don't even know what friends are" discussion which we've had before, but anyway... Ms. I, I think someone has already said this, but since you are looking for the loner type you are likely to find a man without female friends like I have. This wasn't something I sought in a husband, but still...
     
  10. Ms. I

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    Canadian Gal, so you say cheating is about a problem from both sides...uh, if a guy cheats on me, I won't feel any blame or guilt because I know I was the best GF I could have been & he didn't appreciate it. If women want to blame themselves to any degree for HIS cheating (unless the GF really was horrible to him), I don't know what to think. No one put a gun to his head to do it...to me, it's plain & simple he's a ba$tard. (And let's not get into an argument back & forth here.) :)

    Sure, he may say or put the idea in the GF's mind that she wasn't doing something right to make him stray & put the blame on her, but to me, that's him being an a-hole who needs a hard kick in the ass & out of my life FOREVER!

    If you still want to stay close w/ someone who hurt you that much, good for you. (I'm not being sarcastic, hey, that's your perogative.)
     
  11. JustMe

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    I disagree. Even if the relationship is broken and needs attention, that doesn't put responsibility on the one at home while the other is with someone else.
     
  12. Special-t

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    Oct 18, 2009

    CG; If cheating is about opportunity, then you've made a good argument for not having friends of the opposite sex!

    Seriously though, cheating can totally be one person's fault. Many people are unhappy in relationships and choose to honor their commitments or break up. If someone is so unhappy that they want to cheat on their mate, they should do the right thing and break up with their mate instead of sneaking around. It takes many steps to actually have sex with someone. It's not like it happens too quickly to think about it first!
     
  13. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Oct 19, 2009

    I think that cheating can be one person's fault.

    In most cases I think that people cheat because they are unhappy. Sometimes that unhappiness happens because there is something wrong with the relationship. Sometimes, however, it happens because something is wrong with the person who does the cheating and has nothing to do with the other person in the relationship.

    There are some people who cheat because they need a boost to their ego. They feel good about themselves when a pretty girl looks their way, so imagine how good they'd feel if they managed to get it on with a pretty girl. :p

    Others cheat because they don't know how to break up with a person the 'right' way--cheating is a passive aggressive way of getting that break up to happen without actually having to do it. The logic is off, yes, but there are definitely people who feel that way.

    And then there are people who are just waiting for something better to come along. I have experience with this, unfortunately as the person who got passed over when someone new came around. I think I was pretty friggin' fantastic :)lol:), but I just wasn't enough for that guy: not pretty enough, not cool enough, not whatever enough. That says more about him than it says about me or my contribution to the relationship, in my opinion. The person he cheated on me with? My best friend.
     
  14. TeacherShelly

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    This is the ultimate ego boosting power grab. He seems more attractive and desirable to your best friend because you have him. To him, it seems like your best friend would only go with him if he was all that and more. Hate that. Sad ego strokes that ruin a friendship AND a romance.
     
  15. Ms. I

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    Oct 19, 2009

    Cassie753! Oh dear I'm sorry. I don't know if the 3 of you hung out all the time, but that's another thing I wouldn't do. If I had a boyfriend & a (female) best friend, you better believe we WOULD NOT be the 3 muskateers because he'll get too comfortable around her & one day down the road, he may start to see things in her in a certain way. And you know how many best friends have stabbed each other in the back? People are not to be trusted as it is.

    My mom also always told me, when you're married, don't have a lot lot of females running in & out of your house. It's not a good idea. Everyone gets way too chummy w/ each other. It's best to keep contact w/ friends by phone mainly.
     
  16. TeacherShelly

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    The idea that people are not to be trusted may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. As long as you truly like being 1:1 with no female or male friends for either of you, that's fine, but if you want the fullness of community and friends, you might have to trust someone!

    Ms. I, I thought you have a boyfriend? How is he doing with the 1:1 only nature of your relationship?
     
  17. Ms. I

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    I know, we all have to trust someone, or else we will be some miserable people & checking his wallet, asking him 20 questions every time he comes home late from work, etc., etc. is definitely NO way to live & I refuse to live that way, life is too short! But I won't have rose-colored glasses on either & not be alert regarding how the relationship's going.

    I do. We're doing good. He's kind, respectful, etc. We don't live together. He doesn't have friends either like me, so I'm not worried about that aspect of it. I wish he was an only child, but I can't do anything about that. My issue w/ him is him having more of the finances to afford married life.
     
  18. Ms. I

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    TeacherShelly, how about you, what's your relationship status & how's that going? :)
     
  19. MissCeliaB

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    That would be such a lonely life! My husband and I ( and also before we were married) spent lots of time with our friends. Together and apart. Friends of all different genders. I'd go out with girlfriends, he'd go out with girlfriends, I'd go out with guy friends, he'd go out with guy friends. If the only person I ever spent time with was him I would have killed him by now! We just both don't have trust issues.
     
  20. lemonhead

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    Your mom told you not to have female friends come over if you are married? That is surprising to me. I hope when you get married things are smooth sailing.
     
  21. lemonhead

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    I agree with the trust thing, MsCelia.

    I deleted my other comment and am done.
     
  22. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I disagree whole heartedly.

    Both people may be responsible for the breakdown in communications or whatever lead up to the cheating. But the cheater choose his or her own reaction.

    No one else is responsible for my actions. I choose to do what I'm going to do. No one else can make me cheat. If I do so, it's because that's how I chose to react to the situation I found myself in.

    The cheater is not the victim of circumstances. He or she is an adult who makes a decision. He or she is not a 5 year old crying "but mom, she made me mad and I HAD to hit her."

    Sorry, adults chose their actions and then deal with the consequences of those actions.
     
  23. Canadian Gal

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    RE: Cheating being both people's fault.

    The actual act of cheating, I agree, is one person's fault. The person who chose to take it to that level.

    What I was trying to say however, is that cheating doesn't happen (unless there is a case of sex addiction and that's a whole other can of worms that I prefer not to get into), without something in the relationship being broken. Whether it is a breakdown in communication, a lack of understanding or compassion at home, unrealistic expectations on the part of one partner, distance cetera, cheating doesn't happen without something being broken.

    Something in a relationship doesn't become broken without the participation of both members. One person doesn't break a relationship. It takes two people to do that. The whole thing that you might be the best girlfriend you can be, well that doesn't mean that you're going to be the kind of girlfriend he needs. The idea that because cheating is about opportunity (and trust me, I know enough guys who cheat on a regular basis to know that this is true) doesn't mean that a guy shouldn't have female friends. Most of the guys I know who cheat regularly are pro-athletes who wouldn't touch their female friends because they respect them, but puck bunnies are a completely different story.

    I spent years being cheated on. Our relationship was broken. It was not his fault. It was not my fault. There was blame to be laid on us both for that breakdown.

    I agree with Cassie that it is about unhappiness a lot of the time, and looking for something that is missing in the relationship. Even if one person is unaware of what the other is feeling however, the fault for the break down in the relationship lies with both people. I refuse to accept the idea that a relationship breaks down simply because of one person or their actions.

    The cheating that happens - well it happens because of opportunity and unhappiness in the relationship. That unhappiness doesn't just suddenly appear and I believe that the break down in the relationship needs to be owned by both people. I could play the victim when it comes to my ex, and say that it was all on him, but I know there are things I could have done to keep him from being unhappy, just as there are things he could have done to keep me from being unhappy.

    That said, I agree that the actual ACT of cheating is the responsibility of the cheater, however, what leads up to it? That's on both people.
     
  24. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    Oct 19, 2009

    I was poking fun a bit, but I honestly meant it in humor and I really hope I didn't offend you. Sorry, my sense of humor gets me trouble from time to time.

    May we all end end up with the man of our dreams... For me that would be Dwayne The Rock Johnson. But my SO will do until then.:D
     
  25. 3Sons

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    Mostly, I'm confused about Ms. I's rather detailed checklist because it seems so inflexible. While I can understand some inflexibility on certain things, when you set the minimum bar (not implying her choices are objectively higher quality, just that she's set certain minimum standards for her) at that kind of level presumably you're also hoping for some romantic spark. Suppose someone comes along who fulfills the difficult-to-find requirements regarding friendships, courtesy, fidelity, religious devotion, etc., but who you simply have no feelings for?

    Seems like you should prepare to go through life single if necessary. Maybe that's what you're saying, and if so that's fine.

    I know I would tolerate DW hitting me. Men are generally expected to take a few blows, and as long she wasn't hitting the kids I'd be fine (incidentally, if you wouldn't tolerate him hitting you -- what if he believed in spanking the children?). I might have to reconsider if she started using weapons. I also suspect some people (not necessarily here) who claim they would leave immediately are fooling themselves and not considering the reality of how it might happen. I suspect most situations involving physical violence are not a continually abusive.

    I would also forgive DW for cheating, though it would upset me greatly.
     
  26. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    In one of my (many) previous posts, I mentioned that my SO and I agree on the things that I feel are the important things in life. That list included our children, and luckily we are together on our views of discipline. You made some very good points.
     
  27. Crzy_ArtTeacher

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    I just have to put my experience in here.

    My parents went through an affair together. My father unfortunately strayed because he was going through a difficult time in his life. It wasn't my mothers fault, and their relationship by no means was broken. He had some serious issues creeping up in his life that started to bother him and he acted out because a woman showed him attention.

    Needless to say, without going into major details, my mother was ALWAYS the type to say that I would never stay with your father if he cheated. Well after a year of counseling and many conversations later they are doing amazing, better than before even.

    I used to always say that I would never stay with a man that cheated with me, but I don't know how I would ever react now that I've experienced all that with my parents.

    I truly believe you will never know what you'll decide until you're in those shoes.
     
  28. Crzy_ArtTeacher

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    I just have to put my experience in here.

    My parents went through an affair together. My father unfortunately strayed because he was going through a difficult time in his life. It wasn't my mothers fault, and their relationship by no means was broken. He had some serious issues creeping up in his life that started to bother him and he acted out because a woman showed him attention.

    Needless to say, without going into major details, my mother was ALWAYS the type to say that I would never stay with your father if he cheated. Well after a year of counseling and many conversations later they are doing amazing, better than before even.

    I used to always say that I would never stay with a man that cheated with me, but I don't know how I would ever react now that I've experienced all that with my parents.

    I truly believe you will never know what you'll decide until you're in those shoes.
     
  29. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Oct 19, 2009

    I believe that those that say I would never tolerate ___________ are like those parents who say My child will never do ____________. Get ready to eat those words.
     
  30. TeacherShelly

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    Ms. I, thanks for asking about me! I'm about to celebrate my 11th anniversary. We've been together 16 years but waited a long time to get married. My mother married MANY people, and I hated the idea of divorce, so I was very patient when my husband and I were dating. We share the same values (family, discipline, religion, financial, trust, etc.). Regarding having friends, when I wrote our wedding ceremony, I included this poem reading:

    On Marriage
    Kahlil Gibran

    You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
    You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
    Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
    But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
    And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


    Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
    Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
    Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
    Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
    Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
    Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


    Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
    For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
    And stand together yet not too near together:
    For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
    And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.


    :wub:
     
  31. JustMe

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    I really like the last three lines.

    But my husband and I don't really abide by the poem. For example, while we have different interests, they don't take us away from each other really. We've never spent time apart. Never.

    I think this is simply because of our parents and what we experienced growing up. I don't recall a single time when my father or step-father did something (significant) without my mom or stepmom. There isn't a a night that I know of that my father has spent away from his wife and vice versa and the same is true of my stepfather and mother. Of course, my mother and father divorced, but they married at sixteen and eighteen respectively and...well, that's not my point. My point is that I grew up with my mother and stepfather doing everything together and my father and stepmother doing everything together. Neither my mom or stepmother works. I think that makes a difference as well, and it certainly makes an impression on children regarding relationships.

    And just getting back to the point in the conversation from yesterday... My mother raised us girls to be very untrusting of men. Funny being that she was the one who broke the circle of trust in her marriage with my father, but whatever. My oldest sister, two years my junior, and I have talked about this rather recently and we resent her for the way she raised us in that respect. Just three years ago my stepfather lost his job because of a factory closing. I remember Mom telling me that she asked my stepfather if he hugged any of the women on the last day and when he said yes she cried and cried. Cried! Seriously?

    So cleary my family is screwed up. Sure, they don't do anything away from one another but I don't think it's because they're just oh-so-in-love, but rather because they don't trust each other. I know that's why my father doesn't allow my stepmother to work outside of some farm chores. I've been there in the recent years when she expressed interest in working and he immediately dismissed her.

    Okay, all this said, I really don't think my husband and I are so screwed up. Truly. It just comes back to being homebodies.
     
  32. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I think I can say with real confidence that my husband will never lay a hand in anger on me or our kids We've been married for 20 years, and if any year was going to test things, it would have been last year.

    So I'll never have to eat those words because it will never happen. I won't have to decide whether to stay around and continue to be a punching bag because that first time will not happen.

    But I love those 3 kids. NO ONE is going to hurt them more than once.

    Read my 13,000+ posts, and see how seldom I say "always" or "never." But when I do say it, I mean it.
     
  33. Ms. I

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    No offense taken, but thank you for apologizing! I agree, may we all find that special someone to share our life with! :)

    You're welcome! That's great. My parents married a little later than many. My mom was 33 & my dad was 43 & that was their first marriage & they're still married now (37 yrs). :)
     
  34. kinderkids

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    My parents just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary in June! :)
     
  35. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    My dad died 2 years short of their 50th in 2003. My inlaws made it to 52 before we lost my father in law last year.
     
  36. Ms. I

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    Well it's great to know that there's still couples that can make the long haul! :)
     
  37. DizneeTeachR

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    My grandparents I think celebrated 63-64 yrs.
    Another would have celebrated 60 yrs, but my gfather passed a few yrs back.
    Another was almost 50 yrs, I think a yr shy before gfather passed.
    My mom & step dad...25 yrs!!!
     
  38. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Coming up on 25 years of marriage - !! - and I have to say that in a relationship, you have to tolerate a lot. And so does your spouse/SO. It actually makes me laugh at the ways that I and DH are opposite! All the way down to when to open the mail, return phone calls, and sleep with the window open or shut!!

    I would not tolerate repeated cheating - I would try anything and everything to keep my marriage together if my DH cheated, but if it was repeated, I would separate and try to figure out what to do. I would not tolerate for one instant having porn on the internet - if I ever found it, I would unplug the computer, cut the electrical wires off, and throw it in the driveway. Period. There would be no more computer in the house.

    I would find it hard to tolerate a spouse who became rude or harsh with others. That would affect my health! And I would not tolerate meanness to our children or pets.

    My DH is super, has just as many faults as I do, but is very considerate in many ways. He goes out of his way to overlook my faults, and I try to do the same. I'm here for the long haul, and for the long haul, you have to tolerate a lot. Like, why, after 17 years of marriage, did he suddenly ask "Why do you always put the t.p. on the wrong way?"

    If you are not willing to tolerate faults, you probably won't have a lasting relationship. REally, there are only a few important things.
     
  39. TeacherShelly

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    Bonneb, do you mind if I ask why? Not saying it's right or wrong, but what makes you hate porn more than a single-time cheat?
     
  40. Ms. I

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    I wouldn't tolerate that either & also NO porn movies & magazines. But, I wouldn't want to throw out the computer & deprive myself from it though. And I shouldn't even have to mention strip clubs...none of that madness either!

    To me, it's not about the fact that well, he's w/ me & as long as he comes home to me every night who cares. It's not that simple. It's the complete disrespect that he's showing in doing these things. It's saying that his wife isn't enough.
     

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