What Things Do You Tolerate in a Relationship?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Ms. I, Oct 17, 2009.

  1. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    As for the "vices", I mainly don't do them becaue it's against my religion, but I don't care to do them anyway & never cared to try them, so it's not like I feel like I'm missing out on something.

    Regarding the topic of what friends to have & not have, I don't think it's wrong for me to have that kind of thinking. It's still my prefences, wants, perogatives, so for someone else to say that's totally wrong or crazy is not their place to say.

    Here's another topic, I'm an only child. What if I said that I'd like or prefer my SO to be an only child too. That's NOT wrong, it's just my preference, as picky as it may sound to others. :)
     
  2. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    I am sorry if I offended you and you are right it is your prerogative.

    My SO doesn't drink, his father had an alcohol problem when he was a kid. He doesn't ask me not to drink, but I didn't drink around him for years. He tells me now that if I want a drink, I should feel comfortable having one. I am understanding of his feelings, but I like an occasional drink (I've haven't been drunk since I was 16, I have one or two).

    We are okay with being a little different. We have the same views on the things that I think are REALLY important. Faith, kids, home, money, respect, commitment, and guitar hero!!!!
     
  3. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    I think that kind of thinking could lead to controlling behaviours and THOSE are wrong. I am not saying it will, but if you won't allow your man to have female friends, will you allow him to have male friends you don't like? What you don't like a member of his family? Will he have to stay away from them to?

    That "preference" as you call it, actually sounds like a control issue (at least to me), and not a preference. I prefer a man who doesn't smoke, but its not a deal breaker for me if he does, as long as he can agree to certain conditions (such as not smoking in my car, in the house or around children) then I don't care if he smokes.

    I have been in a relationship where I lost my identity to become someone's girlfriend. I lost a lot of my friends because I was so wrapped up in being what he wanted me to be. Not becoming it, just being it. I am afraid that your preferences are unattainable because, based on what I have read, you seem to expect that your life and his life will become only about the relationship, and in my mind that is not what a healthy relationship is. A healthy relationship allows both people to be exactly who they are, while compromising to grow as two individual people who love each other. I am not sure that is possible within your preferences.
     
  4. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Yes, this.
     
  5. Special-t

    Special-t Enthusiast

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    Yes - and often this is petty "tit for tat" behavior that leads to the ruin of relationships.

    And yes (kinda). A man will never be "just like you". You probably wouldn't want a man who is a girl on the inside! Look for someone who is compatible with the woman you are. Someone who laughs at the same jokes (VERY IMPORTANT), and who has compassion for similar things. I've found it's very important to know what touches a man's heart. It says a lot about who they are as a person. My husband HATES romantic movies, yet is moved by noble acts and courageous hearts. Look for a man who is a good and honest person - not necessarily a best girlfriend - but a best friend.

    I think if two people are alike in values and world-view they will probably have similar enough behaviors to accept one another as they are. My husband and I are such different people on the surface, but very similar on the inside. That said ... he won't watch the Lifetime Network and I'm not into 24/7 football.

    p.s. He doesn't do laundry - I tolerate that because I don't dust!
     
  6. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    A very good friend of mine at work is going through this tug of war with her husband. They have been married for 13 years and slowly he has isolated her from friends and some family. Recently he has now started checking her cell phone everyday because she doesn't like the "rules" anymore. I don't think she ever liked it, I think because it was so gradual that she didn't really notice it at first. They are going to counseling and I don't really know what will happen. i guess that's where I was coming from in my posts and I wasn't attacking Ms I, although it may have come across that way. It was something I guess I needed to complain about because of the other situation. But I agree, it can easily lead to controlling behavior.
     
  7. ku_alum

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    I thought the same thing ...
     
  8. JustMe

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    I referred to them as my friends in my post...I didn't say they were not. But they are certainly more friends by association, if you will. I guess my point was more so that my husband has zero girl friends and I don't see what should be concerning about that...you mentioned there would be something wrong there.

    Ms. I, I'll say this: I think you can have whatever expectations you want to have for a partner. Even if I or someone else thinks they are crazy. So long as you 1) inform your significant other of your expectations from the get-go so he can run far away if need be :), 2) you realize that finding such a person may be difficult, and 3) it would be wrong to impose some of your expectations on a person who didn't already agree with them...that would be controlling and problematic. I think you're pretty clear about what you want, and therefore I see nothing wrong with it at all. In fact, I think more people should be so clear.
     
  9. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Here's the thing w/ me that I have to do. I know it's going to be hard to find someone w/ certain specifics that I may want. Of course, I can't have a guy who's so opposite from what I want & I just hope that I can change him because that will never work out. People can't CHANGE people.

    What I need to do is, for example, I don't want to have to "forbid" my SO from having friends. Hopefully, I'll find a guy out there who doesn't really have friends either like me & could care less one way or the other if he does. Then, it's not like I'm trying to be controlling or a nag because if he wants it for himself, it's not like I'm trying to be this controlling nag.

    Hopefully that wasn't confusing.
     
  10. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Thanks JustMe for voicing that! :)
     
  11. Special-t

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    So you're looking for a loner-type. There's nothing wrong with that. I actually think it's wise to be a good match socially. A social mismatch can become an issue as the years pass. My dad was very social and my mom was a loner. They grew apart farther and farther as the years passed. They loved each other, but they didn't spend much time together because my mom was a homebody and my dad liked to be out with friends.

    You'll find your special someone - just look in the right places - museum outings, book clubs, religious events, etc. At least you know what you're looking for so you don't get distracted by guys who aren't a good fit.
     
  12. Ms. I

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    That's right, I'm looking for the loner type. Now I know back in HS, they're viewed as the oddball type of person, but I just don't think everyone has to be the social, get together-every-couple-wks, friends-always-at-the-house type. I want a guy who's wife & children are his world & #1 in his eyes & the only people that he really cares to spend time with, like my mom & I are in my dad's eyes! :)
     
  13. kinderkids

    kinderkids Virtuoso

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    Many women marry a man like their father. I think it sounds like that is what you are looking for too, Ms. I. :)
    It's great you have so much love and respect for him and wish to be with a man that is very much like him.
     
  14. CanukTeacher

    CanukTeacher Comrade

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    I think that it is really hard to say what one wouldn't put up with. Many people say they wouldn't tolerate cheating but cheating is so complicated. I don't think anyone can really know how they would deal with cheating unless they are involved in a situation. In the same vein, it is SO easy to say that if someone hit you, you would leave, yet so many women take a LONG time to leave. Sometimes it is hard to just walk away - even when one should.
     
  15. lemonhead

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    I did leave when someone hit me so I know I would be out the door for that one.
     
  16. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Thanks! Yes, my father is a good man...there aren't many like him anymore, if at all.

    Good for you! :thumb: Yes, to me, there are certain things that just shouldn't take any thinking about. Some people say that some things aren't that black & white, but they are to ME. My mom always taught me the minute a man doesn't want me, I don't want him & I wish more people felt that way. They'd be much better off than lingering around. I may cry my eyes out for a while in my pillow, but it's best to be out of that situation.
     
  17. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    Agreed, I know I would be out of there.
     
  18. CanukTeacher

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    I'm sorry but to me it isn't that black and white. "My mom always taught me the minute a man doesn't want me, I don't want him & I wish more people felt that way." This sounds like you are saying that your response is "right" and the other response is "wrong."

    If a woman doesn't leave a man who hit her are you implying she is "wrong"? That sounds too close to blaming the victim for my comfort level.
     
  19. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    For me, it is simple. I would not stay, I don't think any less of women who give the benefit of the doubt. I have a temper and I was a bit violent in my youth (nothing that bad, but whatever) I give enough respect to never lay a hand in anger, that is something I expect in return. Period. Just me
     
  20. blindteacher

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    This is just my take on some of your restrictions as a member of the male sex, but of course this is just my opinion. ;)

    I can understand that one. I couldn't see myself ever falling for someone who was a huge party animal to begin with, although there's always a first.
    I'm very, very happy my wife doesn't place this restriction. I wouldn't want to have to limit my friends based on gender.
    I'm all for being a gentlemen, but I like to detach it from sex. I think doors should be held open and chairs pulled out for anyone, not just men doing it for women. :)

    As for whether there are still men out there like that, I think there are. It's much less common nowadays to find people in general that are that traditional but there are certainly circles where that level of tradition is still the norm.
     
  21. CanukTeacher

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    I think everyone expects not to be hit. BUT when it actually happens sometimes leaving is not so simply. Often women who have been hit have also experienced emotional abuse. Often their partners are pretty good at convincing them that they "deserved" it and that no one else would want them. So I still think that prior to having something like that happen we can't know for sure how they would respond.

    I remember in one history class talking about the risk of walking alone at night. I said I was so annoyed that my roommate wanted me to take a walk home service because the chances of me being attacked by a stranger were extremely low and that it was more likely that someone I knew would do that than someone I didn't. Some of the girls in my class were so offended because they said their boyfriends would never do that. Well obviously no one goes into a relationship knowing they are going to be hit...
     
  22. Ms. I

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    CanukTeacher, well, not to be blunt, but she actually is wrong (& stupid) for staying w/ him. WHY would a woman want to stay w/ someone who hits her & supposedly loves her?! In my book, there's no good answer for staying in an abusive relationship. Now, if she wants to get beat up daily & eventually killed, that's her business. I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but that's what it boils down to.

    Women are always the 1st ones to make excuses: He didn't mean it, it was only 1 time, he's under a lot of pressure at work, he was drinking (which is another problem in itself), etc. I don't care how rich, handsome, etc. a man is, if he's an abuser, he's a loser.
     
  23. FarFromHome

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    I don't think it makes anyone stupid. They make excuses because someone made them feel like they deserved it. I think if you don't have a lot of friends outside of your relationship or marriage this could be more likely to happen. If there is no one else to turn to, sometimes it is hard for people to leave.
     
  24. CanukTeacher

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    I'm sorry but I'll have to respectfully disagree. A woman who has been emotionally abused cannot always make the decision to leave right away. Sometimes husbands threaten to kill their wives if they leave, hurt their children. Sometimes abuse victims believe what their abusers say (that they deserved it that no one else will ever love them). That is the nature of abuse. To blame a woman for not leaving without knowing the circumstances of why she stayed is unreasonably harsh. I don't want to "discuss" this, but I did feel it necessary to present the other side of the coin. Life just isn't this simple sometimes.
     
  25. lemonhead

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    To some extent you may be right, but I guarantee that there are people who know exactly what they would do after an affair or being hit, who do follow through.
     
  26. Ms. I

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    I just don't see the need why someone needs to be that chummy w/ someone of the opposite sex if they're alreayd married. Their spouse should be enough.

    When you say chairs & doors should be opened for anyone, not just men doing it for women, OK, maybe if a man's hands are full carrying something here & there, but no, I don't expect to be opening doors & pulling out chairs for my SO. Now if I'm going through a doorway & someone (man or woman) is following close behind me, sure, I'll hold the door open for them
    !
     
  27. Ms. I

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    I agree, but unfortuantely, their not willing to leave because they may have no one else may eventually get them killed.
     
  28. lemonhead

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    I agree with what you are saying. The deal is, looking at who I am and who my husband is, what my past relationships were like, I know what I stand for in that area. Like I said, it happened to me once in a different relationship. However, I have known people who were caught in that trap and couldn't leave for whatever reason. It's sad but it happens more often than we know.
     
  29. lemonhead

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    Sometimes they are not able to leave.
     
  30. Ms. I

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    I realize it's not always easy for certain ladies to leave the situation. They have to go in hiding many times & all these other hellish things. For the women who aren't strong enough to leave, I blame or shall I say think it has to do w/ their childhood & how they were raised. Now I know someone w/ even the best self-esteem can get sucked into their abusive partner having this hold on them to make them, stay, but generally, if a woman was raised w/ good self-esteem & taught that she IS WORTHY & no one has the right to treat her that way & she does not have to put up w/ it, I think someone like that will have more strength to want to leave because she knows she doesn't deserve that.

    And that part about the man saying he'll kill her if she leaves, well that's just about the oldest line in the book. They ALL say that because they know that will get the lady's attention. It's all part of his sick, cruel way.

    The woman just has to stand up & do it, especially if kids are involved.
     
  31. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    Not that I want to get into this again, but are you saying the only reason to be friends with a man is for romantic reasons? It sounds as if you are implying male friends are worthless after you find a man/husband.

    Your spouse shouldn't be "enough" as far as friends. Sexually? Romantically? Yes, but you shouldn't base your whole life on one person.
     
  32. blindteacher

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    :agreed: I think you made a lot of excellent points here! Both cheating and hitting are very complicated issues and they seem very black and white when we talk about it, but when in the situation, it's a whole different story.
     
  33. Special-t

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    I think we can all agree that a woman who stays with a man who is actually hitting her has some serious mental problems, whether they started before or after the marriage. A women who takes such extreme abuse for any reason is very troubled.
     
  34. Ms. I

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    If other couples want to have 100 friends of the opposite sex, that's THEIR business. I wouldn't want it myself. :)
     
  35. Canadian Gal

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    Cheating is much more complicated than (then? I still struggle with this one... if an English teacher would PM me an explanation I would be grateful!) someone not wanting someone anymore. My ex still loved me and wanted me, in fact, he still maintains that I'm the best he's ever had, if you want to take it to the level of someone wanting you.

    The fact is, there was far more to his behaviour then just sex with other women. There was far more to my behaviour, in choosing to stay with him than greed. We loved each other, but there was something wrong with our relationship and we were too young and stupid to know what it was or how to fix it.

    Cheating isn't about sex, as my ex has since pointed out to me, its about opportunity, and he had plenty of opportunities to cheat.
     
  36. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    Well I'm sorry, but my best friend is a guy. He is the Will to my Grace, only he isn't gay. So I would never drop him for a guy. In fact, I will drop guys he doesn't like, because he sometimes sees things I don't. I was an athlete and I am still a bit of a gym monkey. A lot of the people I work out with and hang out with are men, and I care about all of them. I am also really close to two of my exs. One of them even lived with me for a time this past year, and it was strictly platonic. I have never met a man who could replace all of these people in my life. Its just not possible.

    So no, my SO will never be enough (since I am rather anti-marriage). I need my friends too, male and female and I hope that he is the same.
     
  37. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    No one said 100, none is extreme.
     
  38. Ms. I

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    True Canadian Gal, cheating is a lot more than just sex. I view someone cheating as NOT wanting me anymore because if they truly loved me, they wouldn't hurt me that way & do something so horrendous as to feed into their own selfish needs.
     
  39. TeacherShelly

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    My college best friend was in my wedding, on my side. I could not choose some other attendant just because they were female and my best friend was male! He was worried people would wonder about him, but I encouraged him to ditch outdated stereotypes and just stand up for me at my wedding. He did and I am proud of him. His date was flummoxed, though, since she thought I was competition for her. Confused young lady.
     
  40. msmullenjr

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    That's awesome that he agreed and you asked. It's a shame hid date didn't understand "friendship".
     

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