What Things Do You Tolerate in a Relationship?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Ms. I, Oct 17, 2009.

  1. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Most of us can agree that if your SO/spouse cheats, that's cause to end a relationship. But I'm really curious to know what things you're willing to put up w/ in a relationship? What if your SO begins to do certain things that he didn't always do? (Since most of us here are female, I'll say HE for the sake of it, but men can feel free to post here too!)

    - What if he has a roving eye, how do you handle it?

    - What if he drinks or smokes a little more than you'd like?

    - What if he has more guys' nights out than you'd prefer? What's considered a lot to you?

    - What if he's a little too flirty?

    I guess if things like these develop later, it's up to me to decide if I want to live w/ it...probably NOT.
     
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  3. kalli007

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    The funny things about relationships is that we tend to overlook or accept stuff in the beginning stage - the woowoo lovey stage - than we do further down the line. I know that I drink and smoke more than my SO would like - but for some reason it didn't bother them in the beginning stages of our relationship. During the lovey dovey I can't live without you phase!

    It's an issue with us - and as I am quick to point out I have not changed since we got together, in fact I drink/smoke LESS now than then. But that's how relationships are I guess.
     
  4. MissCeliaB

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    Meh. My husband and I are starting to have an issue where he has stopped drinking completely, and I feel guilty for having a drink. (Neither of us has a drinking problem. We never drank more than two or three times a month, and usually it was more like two or three times a year.) Sometimes though, I like to have a drink. It's not relationship-ending, though.
     
  5. sue35

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    Other than cheating I would say the main thing I would not be able to deal with is if my SO started smoking. I can't be around it and I would not want to.
     
  6. msmullenjr

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    100% agree about the smoking... Yuck. I cannot handle that.

    The original post mad me laugh a little as I was reading it because other than the smoking... Those are things he has to put up with~ not me. He handles it well though, I guess I'm worth the suffering hahahahahahahahahahaha j/k
     
  7. Pisces_Fish

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    I can deal with drinking and smoking, but not in excess (I've never been drunk, and don't care to.) I couldn't deal with shady behavior...texts coming late at night, women calling the house, IMing late at night, etc. I've never deal with this but it would be a relationship ender for me.
     
  8. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    I am not sure what the final straw would be. I am not even sure that I couldn't forgive him for cheating. I think that we all do things that push buttons of others. I had an emotional affair while my husband and I were separated. I discussed my personal frustrations with my marriage and my husband with another man. I was looking for him to "value" me. That was wrong. I came clean and we--my husband and I-- looked at what was wrong in our marriage that made him work 6 out of 7 nights a week and what made me pick up the phone to talk to another man. This happened ten years ago, and we are still dealing with the frustrations that started this mess. We have learned to overlook a lot because we know that we do love each other. When I watch him with our children, my heart hurts with the love. So in my experience, the only time I was unable to "forgive" or "overlook" something was when I was looking for "excuses" to do what I want.

    Please before you start throwing stones at me, remember I was forgiven and I forgave. This is not for others to judge me or my spouse. This is me just sharing. I don't need approval from anyone but my husband.
     
  9. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    True, many times people (not saying me or others here) may overlook things that were there all along. I personally am an observant person who doesn't let the "honeymoon" period of a relationship cloud my views.

    But, I'm talking about when SOs REALLY do change as the relationship goes, which does happen sometimes.
     
  10. ku_alum

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    - What if he has a roving eye, how do you handle it?
    My husband notices a pretty woman, no big deal. He appreciates beauty, cool. I've seen him check out a gal, I've pointed out pretty women to him. He doesn't stare, he doesn't "drool." He might if I wasn't there and he was with his buddies, but I don't worry about it.

    - What if he drinks or smokes a little more than you'd like?
    I wouldn't date/marry someone that has a drinking problem or that smokes. If my husband started those things, we'd have to problem solve as a couple.

    - What if he has more guys' nights out than you'd prefer? What's considered a lot to you?
    My husband does guys night 1 or 2 times a month, no biggie. If he started doing guys night every weekend, we'd have to problem solve as a couple

    - What if he's a little too flirty?
    I don't know how to answer this ... I guess if I started to feel like he was crossing a line with a woman, I'd call him out on it, privately, not make a scene.
     
  11. Ms. I

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    ku alum, true. If a man's going to look when his SO isn't present, there's nothing really she can do about it. It's how resepctful he is in his lady's presence.

    Hopefully, he won't go too far.

    The thing is a guy could deny that he's doing something that his SO or wife can see, so that's when the conflict happens.
     
  12. blindteacher

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    You're right on about the lovey-dovey stage making us blind to those details! My wife is a bit messier than I would ideally like and when we came out of our lovey-dovey stage, I had to realize she was always messier than me and I had just not paid attention until later. Now I usually end up cleaning after her and trying to bug her about not leaving stuff on the floor for me to trip on. It always come back to that I love her and in the end this is a minute detail, though. I am willing to deal with a bit of messiness in order to live with the love of my life.
     
  13. blindteacher

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    Nah. Our sexualities don't stop just cause we're married. She can check out hot men as much as she wants.
    Drinking a bit more than I'd like would be okay. Smoking wouldn't be since it's a major migraine trigger for me.
    She's really not the type to go out often. But if she did start going out often I would offer to meet her girlfriends and get to know them a bit. Then I think I would immediately feel more comfortable.
    I wouldn't mind it too much. Only if it became more than that, it would be something we'd have to discuss.
     
  14. JustMe

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    What if he has a roving eye, how do you handle it? When you say roving eye, I take that as meaning he literally follows an attractive woman with his eyes as she walks away, and I find that rude to both of us and it is unacceptable. Recognizing beauty is natural, but being direspectful is not okay. If this began happening it would be a huge red flag just because it hasn't ever been an issue, so I would think we needed to have a serious discussion about our relationship.

    What if he drinks or smokes a little more than you'd like? Neither of us have ever drank or smoked and if he did...that would be a major issue.

    What if he has more guys' nights out than you'd prefer? What's considered a lot to you? Honestly, he's never had a guys' night out. We're very boring, you know. He has two guy friends and they come over to watch a game of college basketball or football now and then and then we'll all go get something to eat, but he doesn't have guy time and I don't have girl time. This wasn't a decision, mind, you...we really are just that happy at home playing Trivial Pursuit.

    What if he's a little too flirty? That's just laughable. He doesn't have a flirty bone in his body. And neither do I. I could never flirt. It was just devine intervention that we even got together. :)

    Hmmm, sounds like I'm quite the wife, huh? But honestly, these things are just non-issues with us, so it's not as though I'm having to control these things. Something that I do have tolerate is the fact that he is terribly impatient. He tolerates that I am very, very organized in some areas, such as the kitchen and bathroom, but at the same time can be quite messy in other regards, such as with clothing. He doesn't understand how I can label the kitchen cabinets and make sure all the cans and boxes are just so but have clothing strewn everywhere.
     
  15. lemonhead

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    Mrachelle87--- Throw stones??? I salute you for working it out.

    I'm in it for the long haul. No one is perfect and everyone changes and we (husband and I) just deal with that. For me, it is more what I would not put up with. I can't say for certain that I would walk out if it happened because of the deep love I have for my husband and what we have built together or overcome together. However, I'm sure I would have my shoes on and be ready to bolt if any of the following occured:

    Physical abuse to me or our kids
    Verbal abuse
    General disrespect to me
    Criminal behavior

    At this stage of the game, I don't think I would leave if an affair happened. I would try to work it out. But don't tell him that:)

    As far as flirting, my husband gets flirted with. He always gets comments on his eyes. He'll tell me about it, sort of brag, and then I need to remind him it was the checkout person at Wal-mart.:p
     
  16. JustMe

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    Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but does this mean you WOULD be ready to leave if he generally disrespected you? I ask because then you say you don't think you would leave because of an affair, but I consider a husband having sex with another woman and then coming back to his wife's bed at night to be the most disrespectful (and dangerous) action towards a wife. And of course that's only the physical aspect of an affair. Obviously there are many people who wouldn't automatically leave their spouse in the event of an affair, and I'm not critiquing your choice, but I thought I really could be misunderstanding.

    Everyone could tell me that I wouldn't know what I would do if I were put in this situation, but that annoys me greatly because as a matter of fact, I do know what I would do.
     
  17. lemonhead

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    Yes- If my husband did not respect me over all I would want to leave.

    So what I am talking about is let's just say he constantly belittled me, treated me like one of the kids, didn't call if he was going to be late, didn't help around the house at all and expected me to do everything and was an ass about it, YES.

    I do agree that having an affair is bad bad bad. And very disrespectful indeed. However, (and I can't believe I am saying this) depending on who, how long and all that business, I can't say I would immediately walk out the door. I think I would try to get us to counseling and try to work it out. But maybe not. I just don't know. Hopefully it will never happen.
     
  18. msmullenjr

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    I think I understand what you are saying here. There is a difference between making a mistake one day and having a mistress for an extended period of time. I don't really know what I would do in either situation. I'm not sure that it would be something I could get over. I also can't see him ever making that mistake, so I can't imagine my reaction. I think I would leave, but I don't really know.
     
  19. Special-t

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    Smoking would be intolerable.
     
  20. Ms. I

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    Woah, you're a lot more tolerant than me regarding this.

    I understand how people would feel that there's a difference, but if either happened to me, I'd feel just as hurt & furious that he could do this to me...well, maybe a tad more furious regarding the affair that's lasted a long time & how he could lie to my face day in & day out, but I'd STILL DUMP HIM EITHER WAY. For those who want to stay w/ a guy based on one situation over the other, that's great.
     
  21. zoey'smom

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    My husband has smoked since I have known him. He tried to stop many times and I thought he had it beat a couple of times. I grew up with a dad who smoked and hated it. Your clothes, hair, everything smelled like smoke. The only thing that makes it works is he smokes outside or in the garage. He does most of his smoking at work. I still hate it that he smokes, but I would not leave him because of it. We have been through too much to leave him over that. Yes, it is a nasty habit, but he has to decide to quit, I can't make him.

    I guess my thing is I knew he smoked when we started dating, so if I did not like it or thought it was a deal breaker I should have called it off way back then. I know I have a lot of bad habits he has to put up with too.
     
  22. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I certainly have more than my own share of faults, so I'm not reallly in a position to be casting the first stone.

    I'll "tolerate" anything that doesn't have the potential to harm me or the kids. So, for example, the money my husband spends on photography doesn't interfere with what I want money for (most years he makes a lot more than he spends) so it's not an issue. If he were to take up smoking (he won't) and did it outside of the house, I would't love it (since it would probably shorten his lifespan) but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

    I used to think that marriage had to be forever. Then my (now former) brother in law shoved my sister across the room one time too many and she left. It was then that I realized that sometimes people choose the wrong person to marry.

    Lucky for me, I'm not one of them :)
     
  23. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    No one is ever going to hit me.

    That's my only 100% deal breaker. Everything else would have to be taken on a case-by-case basis.
     
  24. JustMe

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    If I may be honest here, I would much "prefer" my husband hit me one time opposed to have a one-time sexual encounter with another woman. In fact, I would much prefer it. Please let me make it clear that he never has, but I can more easily understand how his anger could get the better of him for all of one second in an intense argument than I could him making the horrible decision to sleep with another woman which goes far beyond a split-second mistake. In fact, compared to him sleeping with another person, him hitting in me would feel like no more than a flick.
     
  25. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Please believe me when I say that NO ONE wouldl ever hit me or my kids twice. We would be a distant memory after the first shot, aside from the time we would spend together in court.
     
  26. Canadian Gal

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    1) Depends on the situation. There was a time when I tolerated a man with a roving eye (and hands among other things) because I loved him and believed that he still loved me.

    2) a) Well I tend to enjoy drinking on occasion, so unless he's drunk every day of the week, I doubt it would bug me.
    b) Smoking really bugs me, but I have had several boyfriends who smoke (or in the case of my cheating ex, chew). As long as they don't try to kiss me without having chewed a piece of gum or brushed their teeth, I'm fine.

    3) As long as I can have a ladies night out every time he has a guys night out and we end up at home with each other at the end of the night, I don't care. I have learned however, that while guys like guys nights out, they don't like their girls having girls nights out every time they do. In my experience that alone has stopped a large number of guys nights.

    4) With me or others? I am a flirt myself, and its not like I'm trying to flirt, however, most guys I know say that I flirt with everyone, male or female. Personally I am just being myself, but whatever. So that's not really a deal breaker for me, usually works the other way!
     
  27. Ms. I

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    This has been an interesting read guys, keep the comments coming! :) Now, some people may think I'm too picky & old fashioned, but that's me.

    Here's my Intolerable List:

    - Definitely NO womanizers/flirts, gamblers, alcoholics, lazy/unambitious guys.

    - I don't want someone who likes the party/bar/drinking scene because I'm not into that.

    - I prefer someone who doesn't have female friends...hey, that's me! I want to be the only woman in his life besides his mother (& a sister if he has one).

    - (Speaking of mothers) no momma's boys...he needs to have his own mind & do it.

    - Must believe in God & prayer & be churchgoing.

    - Don't stop being a gentleman (opening doors, pumping my gas, etc.) just because we've been dating for a few yrs.

    - Hardly any guys' nights out, especially once we're married.

    I tell you, it will be VERY difficult to find a guy like my dad in this day & age. My mom & I are his whole life. They've been married now for 37 yrs & he's always given her his whole paycheck. He never told her she couldn't buy something or needed to take something back. He's always been a gentleman since day 1...he still pumps my mom's gas no matter who's car it is or who's driving. He'always been loyal & a good provider. He has integrity & high morals.

    ARE THERE STILL MEN LIKE THIS OUT THERE?
     
  28. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I think that particular combination may be hard. If he has his own mind and is the man you describe in the other items, he's going to have lots of friends, both male and female.

    I would be cautious about someone who had NO female friends... there's something wrong there.

    I'm not saying he should place any other women above his wife. But to be friendly with some other women, people from work or women he grew up with-- I think that's the sign of a healthy individual.
     
  29. maya5250

    maya5250 Comrade

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    Deal breakers:
    Verbal and Physical Abuse. I will not let anyone abuse me. I have been through the verbal abuse with certain people and don't care to repeat it again.

    Otherwise, I judged the relationship on a case-by-case basis.
     
  30. JustMe

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    My husband is very independent and yet he has no female friends. Yes, he has female coworkers, but most of them are much older with a couple almost seeming filling a mother role, and the ones that are closer to his age are nothing more than coworkers. It's not to say he's not friendly with them, but I know he wouldn't classify any as even a casual friend. He has no females' numbers in his cell phone, there are no non-related females that if he saw in Wal-Mart he would stop and talk to...you get the idea. And this is so not something I have created or forced on him...at all. Promise. :) Of course, on the flip-side there are only two guys that he ever spends time with, although there are a couple of guys at work that he is work-buddies with (as in the friendship doesn't extend beyond work hours).

    I don't know why you would think there is something wrong if a man has no female friends. My only guy friends are his two friends, and it's not as though I would call them up to chat...we just all hang out together.
     
  31. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I think I'm defining it differently than you are. You hang out with those 2 guys-- they're your friends. No, you wouldn't call them to chat, but if your car broke down and you couldn't get your husband, could you call them with a reasonable expectation of help? Woudl you send them a Christmas card (if you're a Christmas Card kind of person)? In my mind, they're friends.
     
  32. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    This goes for me too.
     
  33. Ms. I

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    Yes, I know most people have friends of the opposite sex, so I never said my preferences were going to be easy to find. And I define a friend as anyone you talk to on the phone on a regular basis & see/hang out w/ here & there.

    The only other women I'd don't mind that my man talks to are female coworkers that he has to kind of talk to on his job. So I'm not talking about social-type conversation where they're getting to know each other. BTW, my dad never had female friends.
     
  34. msmullenjr

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    Please don't take offense to this and I am speaking "in general" and not to anyone specific... It's just my opinion...


    Requiring no female friends seems ridiculous (it's different if they happen to not have any). Why could a perfectly good man not have female friends? I have male friends, my SO has female friends. There is nothing wrong or "going on" so I don't see it as a problem. By saying that is a rule, to me, it implies that you do not trust your man to be around other women. That is either a problem with your relationship or self esteem.
     
  35. scmom

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    I agree about it being strange not to want a spouse to have friends of the opposite sex, and would be a huge red flag for me if my boyfriend/spouse was uncomfortable with me having male friends. It would probably be a deal breaker for me because I would think it would be a sign of insecurity and distrust and would lead to more serious controlling issues. Not healthy, IMO!
     
  36. Canadian Gal

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    I have to agree with you on that. You can have a list of things you feel you need in a man, but honestly, it all comes down to chemistry and caring.
     
  37. Canadian Gal

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    I have to agree. A man who isolates a woman from friends is often controlling and may become abusive. It might start with female friends in the OP's case, but what if he has male friends you dislike? Will you want him to dump them too?
     
  38. msmullenjr

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    The controlling factor goes both ways in my opinion.
     
  39. Ms. I

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    msmullenjr & scmom, I know you two are talking in general, but if it seems strange to you, so be it. We all have our preferences. :)

    Now I'm just talking in general too when I say this, but to me, it seems that women don't mind certain things or behaviors from guys because THEY DO IT TOO, so to appear fair (& not look like a hypocrite), they allow it too from their SO. For ex, they have male friends, so they're alright w/ their SO having female friends. They drink, so they don't mind their SO drinking. They have girls' nights out, so they'd be a fool to not want their SO to have guys' nights out.

    Just think about it for a minute. If YOU yourself didn't do certain things, you probably would be more inclined to not want to your SO to do it. Now, I don't drink at all, but I wouldn't mind if my SO drank occasionally I guess, as long as it's not excessive.

    I just want a guy who's just like me, now that may be hard to find, but I'll get as close to it as possible. :)
     
  40. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    To me the comparisons are as silly as "I eat fast food, I'll allow him to eat fast food".

    Friends are friends regardless of who they are, it doesn't phase me whether they are male or female. Saying something is okay for you because I want to do it too is so immature. It's okay because it's actually okay- meaning nothing wrong with it.
     
  41. msmullenjr

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    I don't pee standing up, but I don't mind if he does. LOL

    As far as "vices" such as drinking or gambling or smoking, a person who doesn't do it might not like their SO to do it. It comes down to WHY you don't do it.

    Being friends with a man is certainly not a vice and cannot be compared to one. Flirting or cheating is different, being friends is natural.
     

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