What makes a parent Bad?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by John Lee, Jul 31, 2015.

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  1. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

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    Not to argue one side or the other but a lot of posters keep mentioning "what if the kid doesn't want to exercise/do activities/etc?" Yeah well kids make bad decisions, a lot of bad decisions. As an adult it's your job to make better decisions for them. Imagine if we let kids do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted? Not a good plan.

    My parents always forced me to do extra curricular activities and sports. My parents never allowed me to eat lunchables even though they were soooo popular and I wanted one soooo bad. And you know what? As an adult I realize they made the right decisions for me. I'm a better, healthier person now because of it. Children are simply not aware enough to make their own decisions which is why we have parents!
     
  2. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Your parents made dcisions they believed were right for you and your family. There are plenty of well adjusted, healthy adults who didn't play organized sports and had the occasional Lunchable. Most parents are doing what they feel is good and what works for their kids and their families :2cents:
     
  3. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    I don't know what you are talking about. I never said I don't judge. It is many of you who said that they don't (even though I'm sure that you are judging me as a judgemental jerk as you type) I said I judge all the time, just like you all do, and just like everyone does all the time. To say you don't is ridiculous.

    Do I plan meals? Not for myself. Because it is work. But if I had a kid, I absolutely would. But since it is just me and my dog, I do plan/make all of my dog's food. And I'm not saying this to be holier than anybody; I'm giving it as an example of a (dog) parent doing what he knows his best for his little girl (dog :p), even if it takes a bit more effort. This is what I'm getting at... We know better, or we certainly should. My dog has a kibble meal when I've forgotten to make her food for her, just like we occasionally take our kids to eat junk food--that is NOT NOT NOT what I'm referring to. Nor am I saying that letting a kid have their iPad time because of some particular circumstance is a bad thing.

    Lucybelle made the same point--it is about good and bad practices. Does a kid want to eat McDonald's, play on the iPad any time he/she feels like it, and not do schoolwork? YES, resoundingly. This is what I'm talking about--that is not good parenting. That is the opposite of good parenting.
     
  4. Starista

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    On point, as always. :) :wub:

    This question, while perhaps important, is extremely situational.
     
  5. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

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    I agree. I just wanted to point out the argument "what if the kid doesn't want to" isn't always valid.
     
  6. MissCeliaB

    MissCeliaB Aficionado

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    I try really hard not to judge the parenting skills of anyone for a few reasons. I don't know what life is like at their house. I don't know what special needs that child may have. I am not a parent myself. There are so many parenting "experts" who say the complete opposite about what good parenting is. There are trends and fads and conflicting research in parenting just like in education. I think any parent who is making decisions that benefit and do not harm their children is being a good parent. Personally, I think we put too much focus on being perfect parents and would prefer a parenting style closer to many European countries for myself. But just like no two teachers have the same style, no two parents have the same style, and parents may parent different children differently. I only question parents in cases of abuse and neglect, and figure the rest will all work itself out.
     
  7. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    Most people say they try their best but when they don't KNOW what the right things to do are then it's pretty sad. Having more children than you can take care of is not good parenting no matter how much you "try" your best. Anyway, the OP is probably concerned about his niece because she is family and he wants what's best for her. Maybe he can't change the "bad" parenting but might be able to influence the child in other ways and model good habits more often?
     
  8. Go Blue!

    Go Blue! Connoisseur

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    ICAM. I feel the same way about marriages; you never know what goes on behind closed doors. It is not my place to (verbally;)) judge or offer unsolicited advice.
     
  9. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    BOOM.
    You hit the nail on the head. Most people say they try their best, but they don't even know. And so...

    It is hard to offer unsolicitated help or advice, especially since it isn't my place AND I have no desire to make anyone feel bad about themselves... and especially too since you feel like it is just common sense (e.g. how to take care of one's health).

    See, but when is it your place to do so? We draw lines arbitrary lines in our lives all the time... like, if someone in your life was drinking too much, you would be more likely to confront that individual than you would someone who's poor health/obesity was out of control.
     
  10. YoungTeacherGuy

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    This is so incredibly true.

    For example, I've known many of my students' parents from elementary, middle, and high school. I was born and raised in the town I work in. Anyway, some of these people were a total mess when we were growing up. Unfortunately, now their own kids are struggling, too.

    I clearly remember in May when I met with a parent for attendance reasons. I grew up with this lady and when I asked her why her children are late every single day, she replied, "I either work late at night or party when I'm not working, so I bring them whenever I wake up." I had to remind her about the law and let her know that I will be referring her case to the district office if attendance doesn't improve this year.

    Personally, I was raised in a very sheltered household. I thought everyone grew up the same way I did. It wasn't until adulthood that I realized that not everyone was brought up the way I was. Even nowadays, my BF will say, "You are soooo not street smart!"
     
  11. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    John Lee, how old is your niece? If you are concerned about her health, maybe you can lead by example. Take her out on some active excursions--skating, swimming, roller blading, indoor rock climbing, batting cage, etc. Take her to, or give her as a gift, some cooking classes--focusing on healthy food choices.
     
  12. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    I try. She is a 2nd grader.
    But it is a losing cause at this point, since every time I see her, she has a McDonald's bag in her hand and the iPad in the other. And while I used to do many of those things with her (which she used to do with me with enthusiasm), she now does not want to... preferring to stay inside on her iPad. I'm the one who took it upon myself to try teaching her how to ride a bike (not her dad or mom, who to date had taken no inclination toward doing so)... started a couple years ago when I would see her often. And she enjoyed it. Now... she fusses and whines and complains when I say we should try some more. I attribute it to the lifestyle as I described above.
     
  13. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    And how harshly are we judging parents who don't do what's "best" for their kids because the kids whine about it? If it matters this much to you that you not have a "meatball" niece, then a little whining and pushback shouldn't be enough to prevent you from doing what you think is right.
     
  14. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    Guess what: I'm not her parent; I'm her uncle. And part of my job description (as uncle) isn't to force her to participate in recreation, especially considering it is not a priority whatsoever of her parents.

    For the record: I never said I call my niece a meatball. I'm frankly amazed that the use of a term that I didn't use toward her or any poster here causes such ruffled feathers. It was a descriptive term, used to try to make my point.
     
  15. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    Whatev. Sorry, but I've read 6 pages of froo-frooing around what everyone here wants to say:

    Butt out.

    Keep your sanctimonious "but I'm not judging" crap to yourself. Karma has a way of curing folks off from the raised eyebrow, tsk tsk behavior of non-parents to parents. Karma rears her ugly head when your own child is bearing her buns for all of Starbucks to see. In the middle of winter. With no shoes or hat on.

    Sorry (notsorry) but until you have been 100% responsible for another human being 100% of the time since the second that human was born, you don't get to make "observations". I take that back, you can observe, but keep your opinions to yourself. You have NO IDEA what the experience is like, or what you would do.

    Also-dogs are not children, so stop making that comparison. To assume that raising a dog and raising a child are enough similar to even bring them up in the same conversation is completely off base, not to mention insulting. It's belittling to the effort that parents put in every day to raise little humans. You can love a dog as much as you can possibly love another being, but loving a dog does not equate to loving a child. The stress, responsibility, time, effort, money, and abilities required are not even in the same stratosphere.
     
  16. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    Your comments beg for so much commentary... but I will refrain as much as I can, so as not to close this thread. Staying on the points here (not attacking the commenter, mods):

    Raising anything has similarities. There are certainly differences/challenges to be sure... and I'm certain that raising a kid is much more consuming--when done right. That is the issue here. If something is done wrong, whether by: a parent, an athlete, a chef, a teacher... we can't form an opinion on it unless we've actually done it? This is a popular comment by athletes toward non-athletes: I can't be critical of Tom Brady because I never played professional football.

    Raising a dog and raising a child has plenty of similarities. Never did I ever equate the two mind you; if I did, (because apparently that is insulting you) I apologize for that (mods: again, please note my apology). But , they both require: food, shelter, social training, and a quality of life (activities). Am I wrong about those factors?

    Another reason a dog is relevant to the discussion, is that we can see the effects of a dog's care, over its entire life. With a child (my niece), none of us will be on this forum to see how she turns out. With a dog, our efforts are apparent. If you don't exercise your dog much and your dog eats a fast-food diet daily (i.e. kibble) and your dog dies of cancer, there probably is a connection there on some level. If your dog never gets out of the backyard and your dog has some social issues, then there probably is some sort of connection as well.
     
  17. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    John, you are absolutely right. In fact, as a teacher, you are a mandated reporter. You should be reporting this bad parenting to CPS, for the sake of this poor child. Please keep us in the loop on how your report goes. I think I speak for many of us when I say I am concerned for the wellbeing of this child.
     
  18. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    Aug 5, 2015

    :p

    It does bring a point though, since I don't have a child and considering the previous post (that says I can't really have any idea toward child-rearing). I really can't be a mandated reporter. (Childless) social workers, divorce attorneys and judges (who rule on custody)... all of these people would have dubious credentials to be doing their jobs as well.
     
  19. a2z

    a2z Maven

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    I was thinking as an educator you could use your creativity and motivational skills to find a way to entice her to participate in something that requires exercise, even if that exercise is just walking to see something to start. Get her excited about something she can look up on her iPad that is accessible to the both of you. Go there and park a few blocks away. Look at insects, plants, leaves, etc on the iPad and get really excited about it and take her for a walk to find them. If she likes to watch music videos that have dancing in it, have her come up with one of her own and record it on the iPad.

    But you are just her uncle who has completely judged and blamed her parents... there really is nothing you can come up with to have fun with her that happens to involve some more movement than sitting on her bum. As society becomes more and more about "it is not my job", I guess you, as her uncle, play no part in developing her as a person even though you could do it without making it seem at all like you are judging her parents.
     
  20. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    "offering a parallel" means to use an example that is of equal importance. Raising a dog is not parallel to raising a child. Yes, both beings require food, shelter, social training, and quality of life, but surely...SURELY...you can see that the type needed for a dog and a child is not the same. Not at all.
     
  21. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    (Please quote for me the part where I said or implied that raising children and raising a dog are equally challenging, and I will apologize for insulting you in your parenthood.)

    The FACT is, that a dog-owner is faced with many of the same types of decisions that a parent does (food, shelter, social training, and quality of life, as you put it).

    I know there are many dog owners, who pay attention to those factors, in giving their dog the best quality of life. Of those dog owners, many are also parents of children. And I would venture to say that most of those caring dog owners do just as much if not more for their own kids. There is an equivalence there.

    OTOH, many other dog owners treat their dogs like ____. They don't walk, they feed garbage, and they don't recreate with their dogs. That doesn't necessarily mean that 100% of them also treat their kids the same way, but I would venture to say that there is a correlation that can be made. i.e. People who take GOOD care of their pets, tend to take similar care of their children. People who don't take good care of their pets, tend to take similar care of their children.
     
  22. YoungTeacherGuy

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    Oh my goodness, kcjo! This summer, I flew cross-country to visit my sister and nephew. She needed to go out of state on a business trip, so I spent 4 days babysitting him (I knew I'd be taking care of him when I planned the trip).

    First off, he's six years old. I felt like I was going non-stop from the time he woke up to the time he went to sleep.

    Each morning, I'd get him up, cook breakfast (ascertaining that it was healthy and didn't have too much sugar), and then make sure he was properly dressed (he's not keen on matching clothes--I guess he doesn't really care about fashion). :lol:

    Then, I'd start chauffeuring him around. He plays two sports: indoor soccer and baseball. However, he's also involved in College for Kids--taking classes such as cooking and aquatics. Oh--I also made sure I packed him a healthy lunch to take to his college summer school classes! :cool:

    He's not one to sit around. When we were at home, he wanted to play outside or go to the pool in the backyard. Go, go, go!

    After dinner, we'd do something academic (since it's summer and he didn't have homework). We reviewed high frequency words, read decodeable books, or played math games.

    Once he was finished showering, it was finally time to wind down. We watched a little TV and headed to bed. Once he was asleep, I cleaned up the house and did laundry.

    When my sister came home, I said, "I don't know how you do this every day, Sissy!" She said, "Motherhood is the most difficult yet most rewarding thing I've ever done!"

    My point: attempting to compare owning a dog with raising a child is preposterous.
     
  23. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    YoungTeacherGuy, you have the best comments.
     
  24. John Lee

    John Lee Groupie

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    Let's drop the pretense here: Being a parent is not that difficult. It is done by billions of people everyday. Anything done by a billion people probably isn't that hard. What you are choosing to do is get caught up on your own moral righteousness. What YoungTeacherGuy is actually doing, is working toward proving my point: there is an effort level that goes along with being a good parent. Just like the fact that "anyone" can become a teacher (anyone being a relative use of the term). All you need is a college degree, pass the necessary exams, don't have a criminal record, and you're in. Your current mailman, your grandpa, Kim Kardashian... anyone can become a teacher.

    Most definitely, NOT anyone can be a good teacher. It requires much more effort, as we all know. Its probably not that hard a job if you just go-through-the-motions.

    If I tell you that my partner teacher (based on my experience with her) is a passionate and caring person, and will do anything for her students... and I support my position by saying that she also shows the same passion and care to her dog at home? Is that a reasonable analogy or comparison to make? I imagine you would say yes. Its the same comparison. Why did it suddenly become legitimate?
     
  25. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    Nope, no thank you. I will not continue encouraging this ridiculous conversation. You can read as well as I can. "offering a parallel" was not my phrase.

    And I'm out. I'll just do me, and honey, you just do you. I will continue raising 3 contributing members of society, and you continue...owning a dog.
     
  26. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    The trouble with inviting people to sit with one in judgment is that one is inviting judgment. When the outcome isn't what one wanted, it's prudent at least to admit the possibility that one's original goal might not have been appropriate. It's fairly clear, however, that no such movement in that direction is in prospect.

    This thread is closed.
     
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