Wednesday Morning Vent

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Teacher_Lyn, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    Jul 2, 2014

    My husband's work commute is anywhere between 1 - 1.5 hours, so it's important he leave early because sometimes the subway has delays, or there's traffic or just random delays that come up.

    Anyway, this morning he got out of bed around 6:30 and was in the bathroom until about 7:00 which is fine.

    When he comes out I'm sitting in our office (where he keeps his work clothes) so we chat a little while he's looking through his closet and getting clothes out. Then he goes down the hall into the bedroom.

    20 minutes go by and I decide to go to the bedroom and get my phone off the charger.

    Husband is in the bed, laying on his back in nothing but his underwear reading something on his iPad! He looked completely relaxed like it was a lazy Saturday morning.

    I am in shock. I stood staring at him for a minute then I said, "<Husband!> what are you doing?!"

    He jumped and stammered "Uh, um, uh, uh, well, uh, I was, um, uh looking for a book!"

    I was still shocked/blown and said, "It's 7:30! You have to go to work! You don't have time to sit around in your underwear!"

    He jumped out of bed, ran to the office, was dressed in all of 3 minutes and charged out the front door, slamming it without saying goodbye (we always say goodbye :( )

    I guess this is what they mean when they say the honeymoon period has ended because lately I've been feeling more and more frustrated with my husband.

    It's a lose - lose situation. If I don't say anything, then he's happy to leave dirty clothes all over the house, mountains of dishes in the sink, not cook, or he'll cook and make a big mess which he won't clean up (yet when i cook i wash dishes immediately) watch t.v./play video games/listen to music/read for hours, etc. If I say something then I'm nagging.

    If we sit down and have a gentle, heart-to-heart, then he either says he'll do better (and doesn't) or he'll do better for a couple days, then go right back to the same stuff.

    I am concerned because I want to become a mother in the very near future but I don't want to feel like i have TWO babies instead of one.

    I don't know what else to say except that it feels better to vent.
     
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  3. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Jul 2, 2014

    Well, I think a large number of wives on here will be able to commiserate with you. I'm certainly one of the senior women at AtoZ, so I'll put my two cents worth in.

    1. Share your feelings. This is not nagging, it is saying what is true for you. You could say, "I feel as though I am doing more than my share."
    2. Share your solution. You might set up a list of required chores and ask him to sit down with you and take turns choosing items from the list.
    3. Then, do yours and don't say anything about his. If your chore is laundry on Saturday, only wash what is in the laundry basket and leave the rest of his clothes on the floor.
    4. Don't remind him. If garbage doesn't go out, it doesn't go out.
    5. Remember that you are not his mother. If you are having a party and his chores aren't done, hire someone else to do them. Don't ask permission.
    6. Don't get passive/aggressive. If something gets you mad, say it out loud, then drop it.

    You can only control your own behavior; you can't control his. You have choices and he is not in charge of them.
     
  4. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jul 2, 2014

    Hi! Nice to see you back finally. I think I had PM'd you long ago for whenever you did return.

    Regarding this situation, I'm sorry this is happening. How long have you been married now? Is it going on 1 or 2 yrs? Sorry, I have no advice on how to get a husband to do things. In my opinion, it mainly has to already be in him. For example, if someone's always been messy or lazy, of course it's hard to be an organized, neat person starting at a certain point in life (marriage in this case). My longtime BF is with me at my apt a lot & he'll start taking the dishes over to wash the second after we eat because he's the type who just hates having dirty dishes lying around. He's always done that for years. Fortunately for me, he's a neat person overall.

    If men think a little, gentle talking is "nagging" then that's pretty bad. They're supposed to be the husband & can't take a little talking to without thinking it's nagging. Yeah, they can dish it out, but they can't take it.

    Yes, time to try another tactic. Leave everything a big mess. Walk around the piles of clothes & dishes & just do your thing to get ready for the day/work, etc. If it piles, it piles. Let's see how long it takes for him to finally clean it up.
     
  5. MissCeliaB

    MissCeliaB Aficionado

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    Jul 2, 2014

    I've never been a fan of the passive-aggressive approach. It took my husband and I awhile to figure out how to split the housework. I don't really get why you were so upset that he was lying down. My husband does that most mornings, and likes to get to work right exactly on time, while I like to get to work very early. Even though we work at the same school and usually ride together, if I am ready before he is, I just leave without him.
     
  6. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    Jul 2, 2014

    HEY I! It's been so long! I'm going to PM you after I finish responding to this post. Life has been :(, then :mad:, then :eek:, some :) and
    now I'm just kinda :unsure:. Again, I'll message you. :hugs:

    Anyhow, I have been thinking about doing a chore chart (like my parents did for me and my brother when we were ages 5 - 13) and I'll do my part and see how he does. Maybe whenever he doesn't do his chores, he'll have to pay me $5 or something. When he wallet empties, perhaps that'll help straighten him up.

    Thank you Upsa for the list of suggestions. I'm going to try some of those. What really sticks out to me is what you said about him needing to control his behavior. I am a little bit of a control freak (I panic when things aren't orderly) so I have to let go a bit.

    I'm going to try to get a system in place like I was telling I above and see if that helps. I want our marriage to work.

    I was upset because over the last few months he's been leaving for work later and later, which means he doesn't get home until 7 pm or later. So what he'll do to supplement it is he'll use 2 hours of leave so he can leave on time with his coworkers. I keep telling him, "Honey, if you left for work a little earlier then you could save your leave for when you really need it". But he doesn't listen to me.
     
  7. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Jul 2, 2014

    Men are just different ........ Hard to figure us out sometimes...:)
     
  8. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jul 2, 2014

    :yeahthat: I'm not a man, but I married one, am daughter to one, sister to another and teacher of many mini men and they are tricky!

    I like your idea about the chore chart. My husband and I sort of do that, except we don't have it written out. It's just understood that he does the "heavy" lifting (taking out the garbage, washing the cars, moving the furniture so he can vacuum under the couch, carrying the heaviest bags upstairs when we grocery shop, cleaning the grill after we barbeque, flipping the mattress) whereas I do the "light" lifting (vacuuming, washing most of the dishes, cleaning out the fridge, wiping down the toilets and sinks in the bathroom)

    We both do laundry and make the bed without discussion. Sometimes I'll make the bed 3 days in a row, then I won't make it on the 4th day, so he'll make it. Sometimes he'll take care of the laundry for a week or two straight, then I'll notice the baskets are full, so I'll do laundry for awhile without really thinking about it.

    We aren't perfect, nor do we work in tandem like that all the time, but it works for us. Now if I could JUST get him off the XBox....:lol:
     
  9. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jul 2, 2014

    Lyn, You say you don't want two children but your plan for a chore chart is treating your dh like one.
    A few ideas:
    Natural consequences..
    .if he is lounging around in his BVDs instead of leaving for work, he'll be late. That's his problem not yours.

    Pick up your stuff and leave His. Laundry that doesn't make it in the baker doesn't get waned. Hell run out of clean clothes. Again, his problem, not yours.

    Other ideas:

    Get paper plates for eating. Or make a deal, one cooks, the other does the dishes. Or pour two glasses of wine and cook together...put dishes in dishwasher as you go...it's fun and romantic to cook together.


    Set up one day or night a week for household chores and errands. Split the work and then reward yourselves with lunch out or a walk in the park or what have you.



    Truthfully, I don't find your species all that difficult. :D
     
  10. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    Jul 2, 2014

    I don't either. I tell my hubby I could never leave him, for I have a lot of time invested in his fine-tuning. :lol:

    No seriously, don't treat your husband like a child. He will not respond well. No adult would. Have a reasonable, grown up conversation. And, this may be hard, but don't have children because you think he will change. He won't.
     
  11. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    Jul 2, 2014

    I would get seriously ticked if my husband put up a chore chart.

    Of course, he'd then see how much I do in a day. :)
     
  12. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    Jul 2, 2014

    I don't think a chore chart is a good idea. Neither is paying you for undone chores. You are both equals in the marriage and should be treated as such. If he's late to work, that is his problem to deal with.
     
  13. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

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    Jul 2, 2014

    I fought this and fought this at the beginning of my marriage, thinking my husband should just see what needed to be done and do it. I was totally frustrated and he couldn't understand why I would be mad about it. I kept saying I didn't want to treat him like a kid.

    In the end, he wanted a list of what I wanted done. I thought he shouldn't need it, but it worked. Now, he doesn't need it for basic things (although it seems he goes through periods where he does great, and periods where he is lazy) but he likes it for honey-dos or extra things that need to be done.

    We are doing a clean-sweep of the house and a bunch of improvements. Today, we discussed the bottom line of what I wanted done by the end of the summer. He liked knowing my expectations so he could plan.

    As to getting up and going out with friends, he needs to know how you feel and you want his company in the evenings. If he doesn't respond, it should tell you something.
     
  14. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Jul 3, 2014

    So, he arrives to work late and then leaves at the end of the day on time by using "leave" hours?

    That seems irresponsible and wasteful. I would even say it was a sign of non-commitment.

    I know I used harsh words about your husband, but I get REALLY bothered about people not taking job responsibilities seriously. In my head I'm thinking, "when you were hired you made an agreement to the terms of your job ... and you get PAID to do them. So, do them."

    The behavior of wasting leave time reminds me of some of my teenage students ... "oh, I just don't want to work today, so I'll call in." NO. You don't "get" to "call in" just because you "don't want to work!" Actually, they do. Then, they get mad and complain when their hours get cut or they are fired.

    I guess the natural consequence of using leave time irresponsibly is on him ... but, what if he needs the leave time for sickness (his or yours), ... or, leave time for the birth of your baby. It would tick me off if, later, I started hearing, "but, I gotta work, babe" when I really needed him at home knowing that he blew leave time just by lounging around late in the morning.
     
  15. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Jul 3, 2014

    I wonder if he is sort of passive agressively responding to your treatment of him like you are his mother.
     
  16. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    Jul 3, 2014

    You're echoing my thoughts exactly. Him being late to work and using leave is not just "on him" like other posters are saying because it effects us as a couple.

    To make matters worse, there's a procedure he will likely need in December which requires 1.5 day hospital stay, then two weeks recovery.

    But it's okay, DH has "plenty of leave" according to him. By "plenty" he means: "Two weeks of sick leave, two weeks of personal leave" :eek:

    Just the operation by itself would eat up almost all his sick leave. And what about his visits to the doctor prior to the procedure?

    Also, DH's family and childhood friends (who are like family to us) live several hours away and it's very important to him that we attend the multitude of events they have (ie: graduations, weddings, baby showers, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc).

    All that stuff will destroy his "plenty of leave". :mad:

    At this point, I'm going to look for a counselor because I'm tired of talking and not seeing any results.
     
  17. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Jul 3, 2014

    I think this is a good decision. I hope you are able to come to a resolution.
     
  18. Loveslabs

    Loveslabs Companion

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    Jul 3, 2014

    Has your husband always been like this or have things changed slowly over time?

    Is it possible he is depressed?

    Is it possible his job is making him unhappy?
     

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