Wedding Envy...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Em_Catz, Jan 26, 2013.

  1. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I can't talk to anyone offline about this, so I'm hoping to vent/get advice/support here.

    I'm having wedding envy for my friend, let's call her "Sue". I know it's wrong to compare weddings and I should just be thankful to God that I found someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with but...

    1. I'm getting married 10 minutes away from the house I grew up in in a (nice) reception hall. Sue's getting married on a beach in an exotic location that requires a passport.

    2. I'm struggling to find a good photographer at a reasonable (less than $1,000) price. Sue's going with her mom today to meet with their chosen photographer who STARTS at $2,800.

    3. My parents feel terrible because they can't offer much monetarily because Dad made some bad financial investments creating A LOT of debt and my aunt has Alzheimers and is physically disabled. Mom pays for all her medication, plus to keep her in a semi-independent, 24/7 care facility. (for anyone who has a parent or grandparent like my Aunt, you know that GOOD senior care is expensive) Sue's fiance has to pay child support for 1 child and has another that lives with him, so he's not exactly rich and Sue is a waitress without a college degree. So her parents are covering almost everything AND Sue's mom is throwing her a lavish engagement party at an expensive restaurant where her mom will be covering all her guests meals. My "engagement" party was an informal "pizza and beer" night at the apartment with a few buddies. I'm not having a bridal shower and my bachelorette party will be going downtown to a couple bars where we can dance

    4. Every time I go out wedding shopping PRICE is at the forefront of my mind. I'm getting married in a lovely, but used wedding dress because it's already been paid for.
    Sue is just looking and picking with no regard for price. She already purchased her wedding dress and is having someone else custom make a "reception dress" that looks like it because she "loves to dance" and wants to be able to move.

    I thought about putting my wedding off a year or two so I could save up and have a big fancy wedding too, but honestly, neither fiance and I want to do that, because -

    1. We want to save money for a house

    2. We want to have a nice honeymoon

    3. We're about to hit 30 and want to start having children ( My mom got pregnant with my brother when she was 20 with no trouble. When she had me at 32, she had A LOT of trouble getting pregnant. They actually had to operate on her so she COULD get pregnant. After me, she was unable to have anymore children And, not to be paranoid, but one of my friends who is a month younger than me recently learned her irregular periods were being caused by her going through early menopause. :eek: At age 29:eek: :eek:


    4. We want to be married for a year and enjoy each other before we have children, so the longer we wait to marry, the older I will be when we have children

    BUT I AM STILL ENVIOUS!!
     
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  3. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    Jan 26, 2013

    Just remember... Sue will have one day that is lavish and wonderful. You will have money for a house, and a honeymoon... you will be much better off in the long run. It's about the marriage, not the wedding. And either way, you will absolutely LOVE your wedding day, because it is the day that you get to commit your life to the one that you love. All the extras aren't important. :hugs:
     
  4. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    Jan 26, 2013

    :yeahthat:

    I had that lavish wedding because it's what my father & even my mother wanted. I would have been just as happy with a smaller wedding. I did it to please my parents. 23 years later I still remember arguing with my parents over the details. But, they were paying for it.

    My relatives or friends did my wedding shower. I didn't have an engagement party or a bachelorette party.

    Put feelers out for someone who maybe does weddings on the side. I have a couple of friends who are teachers & run a photography business on the side.

    Remember it's your wedding & your life.
     
  5. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

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    Jan 26, 2013

    Of course you're envious. And you know what, she might be envious of you and your simple wedding!

    Look, I get it. My "engagement" was a secret and I was envious of my friends who could boast how they were getting married in X number of days. I was envious that my friends had wedding parties and beautiful dresses. But I wouldn't change my very small, very inexpensive wedding for anything. And my family that was there said they thought it was the best wedding every because it lacked all the pomp and circumstance that normally goes with ceremonies. They said it was real, simple and beautiful. Seriously, they all said it was the best wedding ever.

    When I think about my friend's weddings now, it all seems so ridiculously over the top and fake. There's so many "things" people are supposed to have, but it's all so materialistic.

    Plus, I think that if in 5 or 10 years time I want to have that big, lavish party I WILL! We'll renew our vows, or just have a giant party for the hell of it. When we have more money and are more stable.
     
  6. lucybelle

    lucybelle Connoisseur

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    Jan 26, 2013

    Oh, and if you're interested I can send you some pictures from my wedding so you can see just how small and simple it was. I think you'll see that sometimes simple is best :)
     
  7. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    Jan 26, 2013

    Hear hear, Lucy. Hubby and I did the city hall thing. The money saved allowed us to go to Japan and buy a house (well two, renting both out now). Anyways, I knew that I would rather go on an awesome trip than to have a wedding.
     
  8. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    Jan 26, 2013

    Em, you can live your live comparing yours to others, and you will always find unhappiness because you will search for those that have something you deem better in some way.

    I have to ask, do you really want what you and your fiancé agreed upon or did you agree just to make him happy? Are you jealous because you feel as though you settled on something you really didn't want? I don't really want an answer, just something for you to think about.

    If you really want what you agreed upon, focus on what you will gain with your compromise. Keep your focus on that and don't worry about Sue's wedding. Don't spend your energy on negative things that you can't change.
     
  9. brigidy

    brigidy Comrade

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I had a very simple wedding and wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, it was so simple the reception consisted of my new husband and I at Outback Steakhouse eating loaded fries. But, I can tell you as a wedding guest, I enjoyed my friends simple weddings much more than the lavish weddings they had. I felt I could enjoy and just be myself.
     
  10. jteachette

    jteachette Comrade

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    Jan 26, 2013

    A couple that I know had that lavish wedding, and spent over 30,000 on it. They were divorced in less than 2 years.
    You and your fiance are planning a life together. It sounds like she is planning a day(although I hope, for her sake, she isn't a statistic).
     
  11. Mrs. K.

    Mrs. K. Enthusiast

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    Jan 26, 2013

    And something about the photos, from the perspective of a 38-year marriage: my album is sitting in the other room. I don't remember the last time I looked at it. Many, many things are more important than that single day.

    I have my fingers crossed that my DD will marry her BF, and if she doesn't want a formal wedding, that's fine with me. Our family is tiny and his is huge, and we live at opposite ends of the state, so I would actually prefer it if they had something small at a neutral site. (However, I do want to be there, so no secret elopement, please!)
     
  12. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I feel for you Em & it's understandable to want some of those things too, but unfortunately, everyone can't always have a fancy wedding. It depends on who has the wealth & is doing most of the paying for it.

    Sure, having a lavish wedding is nice, but that's no guarantee that the marriage will last longer than other people who had simpler weddings.

    Just focus on doing the best you can regarding making your day special! :)
     
  13. callmebob

    callmebob Enthusiast

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I was constantly concerned with how much everything was going to cost at our wedding and I didn't even pay for anything. My wifes parents paid for almost all of it, but I felt guilty if anything was extra, I wanted it as simple as possible.
     
  14. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I had the big wedding: church I grew up in, new dress, semi-big reception with sit down dinner. My mom did A LOT on her own, but still ended up paying a lot for the wedding. Looking back, I wish we had just done a simple wedding on the beach and then hopped on a cruise ship for a honeymoon. Since my mom passed away though I'm glad that she was able to share that experience with me. My hubs and I have been married 10 years now. We have a house, a beautiful daughter, and went on a great honeymoon last year to Europe.

    His brother had a way bigger wedding than we did a couple of months before we did and within 3 years they were divorced. You have to do what is right for you and your fiance. It sounds like your plan is a great one for you and your fiance. Is it normal to have wedding envy? Sure! I did for my brother in law, but that one day is just that...one day out of what hopefully is a lifetime of days.
     
  15. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Jan 26, 2013

    As someone who got married in front of a judge with 2 witnesses in under 60 seconds, I don't get the concern.

    We could have done a large wedding, but neither of us wanted to have one.

    BUT, in your heart, you know that it is about your happiness (and your friend's happiness) with your forever choice of a spouse. Let yourself feel gloomy for a few minutes, then, focus on the love of your relationship (and the love of your caring family) and enjoy your day your way.
     
  16. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jan 26, 2013

    One of my favorite life-lesson quotes:

    Comparison is the thief of joy.
     
  17. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    Jan 26, 2013

    Focus on your married life ahead, not one day.
     
  18. MikeTeachesMath

    MikeTeachesMath Devotee

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    Jan 26, 2013

    "If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are." - Montesquieu
     
  19. brigidy

    brigidy Comrade

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I really like that. I will have to remember it.:)
     
  20. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    Jan 26, 2013

    I would prefer to have a wedding close by. I had mine done over our college spring break and that ended up being a deal breaker for a lot of my friends to show up. (That tells you how young I was at that time). At least my family was able to show up. For me, I wanted the PEOPLE. To have that, I would need something accessible. Not everyone wants a large gathering though.

    If you want an exotic location, maybe what you really want is something different than the traditional venue. It doesn't have to be expensive to be what you are looking for. In my hometown, there is a rose garden and it has beautifully covered gazebos with a beautiful fountain nearby.

    Rather than compare, try to find something that makes your day unique to the two of you. For us, I decided the two of us would learn a signed love song and perform it in front our guests. We didn't even tell the wedding party! That was more priceless than the materialistic stuff would have been.

    Like Bob, I was worried about the money because I wasn't paying. I was happy to get what I was gifted.
     
  21. DrivingPigeon

    DrivingPigeon Phenom

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    Jan 26, 2013

    It sounds like you're being practical with your costs.

    I am planning a wedding myself right now, and I'm honestly not very stressed at all. We're having a fairly good-sized wedding (225 people), and I'm keeping things pretty low-key. I decided a long time ago that I do't need to impress other people, and I just need to make decisions and go with it. I bought the 7th wedding dress I tried on, at the first store I visited.

    I always thought that planning a wedding would be really stressful, but it is what you make of it. Try to focus on the wonderful day you are planning for you and your fiance. You're going to drive yourself crazy if you compare your situations to others'. Be smart and practical, and have fun with it!
     
  22. knitter63

    knitter63 Groupie

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    Jan 27, 2013

    Agreed. I am all for simple, casual weddings where everyone can enjoy themselves!
     
  23. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jan 27, 2013

    I think I had a momentary freakout. All this wedding stuff is stressful. In addition to trying to stick to Weight Watchers and widdle off the excess 20lbs I've put on, I'm also in graduate school, moved into my fiance's apartment and, well, you know, LIFE stuff.

    I think you all are right -- I need to stop comparing and focus on my own happiness. Someone asked if I felt like I was settling -- not at all. I didn't feel like my wedding wasnt good enough until Sue got engaged and began texting and calling me 24/7 with updates about her own wedding
     
  24. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    I'm happy it was only a momentary loss. So when those awful feelings start creeping in, go back to the idea that you really feel you aren't settling and focusing on the reason for the day and the life ahead that will not always be filled with springtime and happiness, but it will hopefully always be filled with love, even amidst the trials.

    Em, I'm very happy for you. Keep this incident in mind. I know you can learn, with practice, to stop the behavior of letting comparisons make you feel that what you have isn't good enough. This will creep up time and time again in your life until you recognize and learn to manage it. Here are typical things you will come across that will do this, other people's houses, kids, jobs, vacations, sibling talk about their kids or the great things going on in their lives, etc. All of these are triggers for someone to allow comparison to take away happiness or bring out insecurities.

    I wish you well. I hope all of the wedding planning goes smoothly (something will go wrong, it always does).

    Be happy for your friend and be happy for yourself.
     
  25. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    At least your parents are involved. I am envious of THAT. I am 39 and my parents are boycotting my wedding because I moved in with Sweets before we were married. Mind you they are saying it's because the annulment hasn't come through. The rest of my family is supportive, but no one from my side has offered to help financially.

    We are having a smallish wedding most likely in the hotel ballroom instead of a church which is the only thing I ever really wanted. Finances are tight. We are running into the same problem with photogs that you are. Everything I look at for the wedding boils down to dollars and cents. I am trying to find a way to get a nice veil that costs less than $50, but everything I see is over $100. So I feel you on the money issue.

    Keep in mind that a lavish wedding does not mean a successful marriage which is far more important. And most everything will be forgotten by the guests within a short time (food, decorations, etc.) The pictures are forever. I told Sweets if we have to splurge somewhere I want it to be on the photog since the pictures will be around forever. And since we are paying for 90% of it ourselves we have ultimate control over everything which is a load of stress gone.
     
  26. Chrissteeena

    Chrissteeena Companion

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    Jan 31, 2013

    Wedding planning can be stressful. I have my stressed out moments. Then I realize how far along we are and even though its a lot we haven't really spent too much. Our venue with the food and drinks is the most expensive bc we are doing it at the Orpheum Theater. Our photographer is 1,000. Cake $333. Flowers we have a total budget of $400-500. DJ is $795. We are inviting 150 ppl and I don't know if we would even break 100 with ppl that will come.
     
  27. karebear76

    karebear76 Habitué

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    I loved my small scale, destination wedding. My entire wedding, honeymoon, and expenses (excluding bridal jewelry) was paid for for less than $2500. I can't remember the exact amount. We went to Gatlinburg, and I did a package deal which included tux, venue, officiant, witness, cake, and 2 nights in honeymoon cabin in mountains. Wouldn't change it for anything, and that was 10 years ago.
     
  28. brigidy

    brigidy Comrade

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    I love Gatlinburg! We almost got married in Gatlinburg, the weddings they have are beautiful!
     
  29. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Enthusiast

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    Feb 1, 2013

    Try having wedding envy and it's your sister who got the "nicer"wedding.
    Ok I know that there were lots of reasons why she got the "nicer" wedding. She is the youngest. (we are 20 years apart) My Dad had just started a new job just a few months before my wedding. Plus my Mom and Dad had just finished a major renovation of their house when I got married. We had a nice out door wedding at a friends house and I was happy with it.

    Fast forward 19 years later. My parents were divorced. My mom had inherited a lot of money from her parents. Both were willing to out do the other. She got everything she wanted including the 3000.00 wedding dress. I was matron of honor and was just a little jealous of her wedding.

    Now move ahead just a few short months later (less than a year) They got divorced. I have been married 22 years this summer. Bigger weddings don't always mean better marriages!
     

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