I can't believe I'm writing this just before my first day as a contracted teacher. I think I just need some advice from fellow educators. I became a teacher two years ago when I got my CE in English. I got a job through alternate route at a very difficult school. The kids were really tough and I didn't have much support. I guess it doesn't help that I'm a victim of trauma; I have an anxiety disorder that prevents me from functioning sometimes. I'm taking medication, but I think I need to see a doctor. I can't begin to describe the panic. The second I got to school, I would anxiously watch the clock and wait for 2:30. "Is it 2:30 yet? Omg, I didn't die. Okay, 1 more hour. Is this day ever going to end? Will I make it to Saturday?" My heart would pound like crazy. I would even cry like crazy on my hour long commute because I had so much work to do and was unprepared for five classes. I didn't have any help from the department. I had to learn everything myself, and I still don't know what I'm doing. On Sunday nights, I used to cry myself to sleep and feel so depressed. It's happening right now too. I just didn't want to go to school. I feel like I was putting my life on hold because it was "a school night". When I was let go at my school, I was upset, but it was such an amazing feeling: it would be 10:30 AM, and I could sip my coffee in peace. No anxiety, no crying. I only truly felt liberated this summer. I had time to start dating, spend time with my family, and read books. I got this contracted job at a new school, and I've been crying for the last 3 hours. I keep remembering my past, and I'm scared if this means that I'm not meant to be a teacher, not that I was in the wrong environment. This will be my third year. I just got my standard. I keep asking myself if I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life, and it scares me. There were times when I was really happy teaching Mockingbird to my kids, but I can't stop thinking of the panic panic panic that occurs every morning before school starts, the long commute, the nights spent lesson planning and rushing to go to bed so I could be a good teacher the next day. What should I do? Maybe I should try this job out, and if I don't like it, then maybe I should leave teaching? I hate myself for saying this, but I think I need some advice.