Yesterday my mother told me a story about a coworker of hers. It seems this person's ex-husband passed away. They have a child together, but the mother has primary custody. The child does have a relationship with the father. They are NOT TELLING THE CHILD until after she finishes her state exams in school because they don't want her to be upset and not do well. She'll find out her father has died the day before his funeral. I'm appalled. Her TEST SCORES are more important than knowing her father has died??? Our priorities regarding this testing nonsense have gotten way out of whack. WAY. out of whack!
I know of a student a few years ago going for perfect attendance from K-12 grade. If you have perfect attendance you get a new car. Parents allowed the student to miss the funeral of a very close grandma just to keep the attendance record intact. It is not just testing.
To play Devil's advocate, the testing excuse may just be a way to buy some time for the mother to figure out how exactly she wants to break the news to her daughter. I waited two days to tell my 7 year old when her uncle passed away very unexpectedly, because I needed to be able to talk to her about it without falling apart myself, and I needed to figure out what I wanted to say. It's not an easy position to be in.
What is the benefit for the child finding out earlier? I don't see an upside. Why draw out the time before finding out and attending the funeral if there is nothing the child can do about the situation? I can see why the parent is taking this route. Would it be as offensive if the grade had a great trip planned for the kids and the mom decided to not tell the child so she could go and enjoy the trip before finding out about the life-changing event or would you advocate for allowing the child a few more days of bliss before finding out about the tragic event in her life?
I can't even fathom the idea of waiting to tell a child that her father passed away because of a stupid test. I think that's the sort of information that anybody deserves to have immediately. She can't "do" anything about it, but she should still know. It isn't the same as an uncle or a grandparent. Can you imagine how distraught the kid is going to be when she realizes that she didn't know for days because they decided a test was more important? That's not even getting into the fact that there's a reason why funerals are typically a few days after death. Besides the planning (which, even if the child is young, third or fourth grade, there are certain arrangements she should at least be consulted about), there's also the chance to start the grieving process before the funeral. She's going to get hit by a sledgehammer, find out that people have been lying to her for the sake of a test, and then immediate go to a public forum to say her goodbyes. Brutal.
Day before the funeral isn't the same as learning hours before a funeral. In some cultures the funeral is the next day, so same amount of time to grieve before the public goodbye. I would not be at all surprised if her family will support her as soon as she knows. I don't favor the car, but I can understand the girl's situation. I'm with agdamity and a2z on this one.
Since we don't know the student I'd have to say the mother should just do what she thinks best. I think I'd be appalled if the student ended up missing the funeral entirely because of the testing. That would definitely be going too far.
I think it is very possible she won't fill in the blanks, especially if she is young and depending on what the mom says.
It's just my opinion, but I believe such news should always be given immediately to foster an expectation of trust and timely honesty between mother and daughter. If the daughter grows up and gets married or pregnant, I'm sure the mother would want to know such news immediately.
I guess I'm confused...age would be helpful. Does she not talk to her dad in a regular basis? I mean my mom had primary custody, but my dad talked to us a few times a week when you had to pay for long distance and no cell phones of any sort. I just can't imagine the child at any age not missing talking to their dad. I do feel bad for her. Hopefully someone in her school doesn't find out. I knew a child that the day after her mom died, went to school to tell her class because she wanted to be the one to tell her classmates... she was in 3rd grade. With the way social media is I would be worried about that if I was Mom. I would hate for Sally to come up and say I heard your dad died.... imagine the anguish the child would be in and the pickle the mom would be in. Yikes!!! As they say honesty best policy.
All I know is the child is in elementary school (I want to say 3rd or 4th grade?), and the reason that was given for not telling her was because they wanted her to be able to focus on her tests. I think she sees her dad either weekly or every other week? So it's possible to keep it from her without raising suspicion. But I cannot imagine being the mother and possibly hearing my child talking about her dad and maybe what they're going to do together when she sees him again, knowing all along her dad is dead and I haven't told her yet. But honestly, my issue isn't so much that they're waiting to tell her, but WHY they're waiting to tell her. And maybe that's because I'm in the midst of state testing right now and I loathe it with every fiber of my being. ANYTHING seems more important than these blessed tests to me right now, LOL.
I can see both sides... my main concern is the girl finding out another way. Plus, she is able to put 2and 2 together! I feel for the girl.
eh, I'm not going to judge this case because it hits too close too home. I chose not to tell my kid about a family death because he was away at camp and I didn't want his last day to be ruined. He found out soon enough and completely understands my reasoning. A girl in the next district over lost her father while she was getting dressed for prom. Her mother found out over the phone and didn't tell the girl until the next day. Mom didn't want the prom to be ruined for her. If the child in the OP is an elementary school student whose scores have zero impact on her life, I'd understand the outrage. If the child is a middle school student whose scores determine high school placement, I'd understand the mother's choice. The girl does not live with her father. He isn't dying, he's already dead. There is nothing to be gained from finding out about his death today versus finding out later.
I can also see both sides. I decided a long time ago, however, not to judge other people's parenting decisions unless I'm prepared to have them judge mine.
I guess it depends what zero impact means. In some states state test results are needed for promotion (Florida) from 3rd. Since OP isn't sure if it is 3rd or 4th grade then it may be important. For other states or districts the score impacts future course levels even years later. Even if it doesn't impact directly, if the child would have to make up the tests it does impact summer or fall.
Elementary? Screw the test scores. I was thinking junior or senior in high school with college pending on it... well, it is STATE test scores, not even college entry related. Yeah, screw the test scores. They aren't THAT important. Death of a parent is more important than any test score.
