Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Bella2010, Sep 6, 2014.
Sep 8, 2014
I like to think I look for the good in people.
So many posts in this thread make me sad.
I´m with you on this on. Let the husbands work together. If she has a question, her husband can call yours. I´ve been in your shoes and have made it very clear to my own DH that I am not comfortable in that type of situation.
I suppose that´s great if the wife really is comfortable with that. The last time I found text messages from a female friend I called the female friend and told her I was not aware of this texting relationship, nor am I okay with it, and it stops immediately. I dealt with DH shortly after.
Not to sound too Twilighty, but... Team Bella! Lol! I totally get why you're upset, and it would be too!!
This woman should not be contacting your husband this way / this much. It is completely disrespectful of you, I don't care how innocent, and how much she needs help, doesn't understand what she's doing, etc.
You can do several things, but you shouldn't feel bad about any of them.
- you can tell her to back off, gently, in a friendly way, or in a straight forward way, whatever you feel comfortable with.
- you can talk to your husband and ask him to stop helping
- talk to her husband and let him know he should be contacting your husband if they need help
- ask your husband to talk to the husband
Whatever you decide, don't feel bad. You're not insecure, or jealous, or think your hubby will cheat on you, this is just not right. There are certain things you don't do with / to another woman's man.
Sep 13, 2014
I feel like this is a dangerous statement to make. It has undertones of blaming the betrayed spouse for their partner's cheating. Not cool.
My ex-husband's decision to cheat on me what 100% on him. It had nothing to do with what I did or did not do at home. If he had an issue with our relationship, it was his responsibility to come to me and say "I'm not happy and here are the reasons why", and then work with me to change them or leave me BEFORE he slept with anyone else. Instead, he chose to be a coward and not deal with our issues head on, exposing me to STDs, humiliation, embarrassment and heartache. Betrayed spouses are on a crazy enough emotional rollercoaster. Guilt for something they had zero control over doesn't need to be added to the mix.
Bella, I'm on your side.
This may be a hijack, but some of the comments here make me think I am living in a different world than many of you.
My husband and I have been married for almost 31 years. He has female friends, I have male friends. If he wants to text them or visit with them, so what? I'm not his owner. If I want to contact my male friends, he doesn't care. He is not my owner.
The glue that keeps our relationship strong is trust. I trust that he will never do anything inappropriate and vice versa. That trust has never been broken on either side and it never will. We both value our relationship over anything else in our life, and it works for us.
First of all (and most importantly, IMO).... Bella, I am on your side and think you need to do what is best for YOU and your family.
Having said that, I completely trust my husband and he can have any type of friends that he wants. Personally, I would NOT want to be in a relationship where I had to worry if my husband was messaging other females!! Just the other night my husband went to dinner with a female friend of his that I have never met. I didn't blink an eye (I also wouldn't blink if it were a male friend).
That works for us. Maybe I am in the minority, but I think it is a lucky place to be in this situation.
I have to agree with Shanoo here. My husband did not marry me for the sex, and that's not why we continue to be married. We are married because we love and trust each other, communicate well, and enjoy each others' company. We also enjoy our sex life, but there have been many times where because of medical reasons one or the other of us could not have sex. I did not worry about my relationship at all. Intimacy should happen because both people want it it to, not because one person feels like they need to do it to make the other happy, or because it is their job or whatever. Same with cleaning, cooking, whatever. If a partner strays, it often has little to do with what is happening at home.
Sorry for the hijack.
Are you okay with the fact that your husband doesn't allow you to befriend men on social media? Is he similarly prohibited from befriending women?
I envy you. I envy the blind trust that you still have. I envy the fact that you think that relationships can be so black and white that a good romp in the bedroom will be enough to keep someone who is broken inside. I feel sorry for the fact that you think that someone needs to be "reminded" as to why they chose you. It's not my job to remind anyone why I'm worthy of their love and fidelity. My current SO either knows why or he doesn't. And, if he doesn't know, it's his responsibility to break it off with me before he finds someone else.
I also envy the fact that you (presumably) have never felt the heartache of a family being torn apart in this manner. And I hope that you never do. It is soul-crushing and all consuming. To those of us who have, it is a bit of a slap in the face to hear "just have good sex with him and he won't stray". If it were only that simple...
This isn't a "female friend" who is texting Bella's husband and asking him to the house. It's a woman he's recently met. It's the wife of his coworker.
Heck, I don't even text my best friends every day!
I agree it's inappropriate.
How do we become friends though? We start talking to them, hanging out with them, getting to know them. One of my best friends and I became that close by texting. We work together but we actually became so close over the summer because we were texting all the time about random, silly things.
That was someone you worked with, so you already knew him before you started texting so frequently.
IMO, the situations are very different.
Okay, I've requested for this to be closed. One thing for those who have made the assumption that I (a) have trust issues (b) am insecure (c) don't think men and women can/should be friends and/or (d) has a rocky marriage because of all the above...the wife of a friend that DH has had for a long time was texting him the other day about a guy trip they, her DH and mine are taking, fine. She blew DH a kiss the other day because DH thought she was mad at him, fine. A lady he has worked with for a long time was texting him last night about sometimes funny that happened at work, fine.
I think just because you're married, that doesn't mean the opposite sex just disappears. You can't expect your spouse to not make friends with other women and men or have meaningful encounters. Bonding with people of the opposite sex does not mean that person is setting themselves up to cheat.
Every relationship is different and has different rules and boundaries but not allowing your spouse to have friends because you think it tempts them to cheat is textbook unhealthy. It's controlling and jealous and it sounds like a miserable existence.
Some people, ones who have been cheated on, have trust issues and I understand that. But those issues will only affect future relationships negatively. Counseling is where those issues can be worked out, not through controlling another partner because you think they may stray.
Also, my husband has friends I am not friends with. We don't have to share every single friend. We have to have our own lives. So not all married couples will be close with each other's friends. It happens.
I don't think the situations are different. Whether or not she knew him before is not the issue to me. It sounds like they'd met and then she started corresponding with him (and I think we are correct in assuming he replies). I've become what I consider good friends with people on this board even though I've never met them in real life so to speak. They provide some of the best support I can ask for when it comes to certain things.