This is kind of rubbing me the wrong way

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Bella2010, Sep 6, 2014.

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  1. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    There's a new guy where DH works. He and his wife are in their 20s, just moved here, and have a new baby. They bought an old house and are fixing it up. Apparently, they aren't too much on household improvements because DH and a couple of the other guys offered to help them with things or show them how to do something.

    She calls/texts DH a lot about where to put something in their house, how to fix something, what he things about this or that, etc. I think it's becoming a little much. Most of the time when he goes over to help or look at something, her husband is there. Other times he isn't. I told DH I thought she was getting a little over zealous about this. He said she's not like that and she does it to all the guys who offered.

    IDK. Maybe I'm just being an uptight prude, which I've been accused of, lol. I know all the guys DH works with, and a couple I know really well. I'd never call/text them as much as this lady is DH. In fact, I've only texted one of them and it was something really important.

    Beth
     
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  3. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    I would have the same gut feeling you are having. Hubby should take your feelings into consideration and perhaps back off just a little with new "friends".
     
  4. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I wouldn't like this AT ALL! This strange lady (who barely knows you guys) texting/calling your husband quite often. And why do men always act so nonchalant. He needs to stop running over there every time she calls/texts. Let them (this new couple) find their own handymen, etc. Geesh! :mad:

    I'm so glad my SO & I aren't the type to get chummy with people. We tend to ourselves & are as happy as clams.
     
  5. ECE ABC

    ECE ABC Comrade

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    I wouldn't like that either...its a little much to say the least.
     
  6. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    If she does it to the other guys also, I would just put it down to someone who wants help without paying for it.
    I would only be annoyed because your husband is giving up time with his family.

    I love having friends, but not if they are just "takers."
     
  7. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

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    She just moved and had a baby. I am betting she is lonely, overwhelmed and is just reaching out because she needs friends and help. She is texting men because that is who she has contact with at the moment. Why don't you reach out to her? I am betting she needs friends.

    On my soapbox - why do women have to undermine each other or be jealous? :confused: Men don't do this very much. We need to be less insecure and more supportive of each other if we want to get ahead as a gender!
     
  8. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    Great idea! Or help her find other moms with babies in her area.
     
  9. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    I'm not jealous, nor am I undermining her. We live in a small town, and crap like this is how rumors get started.
     
  10. TeacherNY

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    The only thing that comes to mind is they shouldn't have bought a house like that if they didn't know how to fix it up! Good grief, I guess maybe it's because my husband knows how to do everything (home related) himself and I've never had to ask for help but I think he would be appalled if I acted like that and contacted people constantly for help.
     
  11. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    Women get jealous because the woman isn't reaching out to other women, she is reaching out to the men. As someone who lived through putting tons of phone calls through from the secretary to my husband, only to find out that the calls were NOT about work, but about the affair they were having, this situation does make my stomach churn. I knew then that it seemed excessive, but I accepted the "its all about work" lines right up to the point where he wanted a divorce and moved from our new house to her apartment. My gut instincts then were not to trust them, but I told myself I was being petty and she was just doing her job.

    If this woman is reaching out for friendship, she should be calling the wives, taking time to get to know them. The wives would probably welcome her into their world of kids, the neighborhood, and what goes on in this town. If she and her husband need couples to socialize with, I bet many of the couples would be happy to reach out. If they need help with the house, her hubby should be making the calls, these are people he works with. If it is innocent, so be it, but I understand OP's aggravation and perhaps underlying doubt and concern. It would be so nice if her hubby could understand what is bugging her about the situation and adjust his actions accordingly, IMHO.
     
  12. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    Adding to this whole situation is the fact this is very close to the way my BIL's affair started. I don't thing DH would ever do anything like this, but I never thought my BIL would either.
     
  13. Ms. I

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    Oh come on, she can just as easily reach out, call, text, etc. the women if she's lonely. Actually, if she wants to stay on the up-and-up, she should contact the couple as a whole. The men can be doing the work & the women could be sitting together somewhere else talking or something.

    But, I know, someone will say, but it's the men who know about repairs, etc. & not the women. Yes, but THIS isn't the way to go about it. This lady needs to be willing to shell out some dough to find some handymen, etc. & not try to get free rides out of all these ladies' husbands. Let me guess, she probably prances around the house in her shortest, see-through skimpy dresses too!

    And this lady's husband, whoever he is, needs to step up to the plate, stop being lazy & leaving it all the husbands, etc., get off his ass & do a LOT more to fix HIS own house problems!

    By the way, do you think ALL wives whose husbands have had affairs thought in their wildest dreams that this would happen to them & that their husbands would ever do something like that?! I think not.

    :thumb: Exactly, exactly, exactly!
     
  14. TeacherNY

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    Yeah, I'm kinda wondering why this husband is letting his wife make all these calls bugging the men. What kind of guy does this?? The whole situation could be totally innocent but it just seems weird.
     
  15. physteach

    physteach Companion

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    But if she doesn't know the wives well or (like me) feels awkward about reaching out to say "please be my friend", it is a lot less anxiety inducing to reach out "for help" when it is really just desperation for any human conversation. I've definitely talked with plumbers, cable installers, etc WAYYYYYY too much when they've come by. Not because I desperately want to have an affair, but because it can be really lonely in a new place and making friends is hard. Especially when the women whom I would most likely interact with seem to think I'm hot for their husbands.
     
  16. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    Maybe if she toned down her actions a little bit, I wouldn't feel this way.
     
  17. i8myhomework

    i8myhomework Comrade

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    Agreed completely.

    This sounds like insecurity. This woman might be a bit annoying, but I'm sure she means no harm.

    If the roles were reversed and it was a man texting your husband constantly, would you be this bothered?

    She probably just feels overwhelmed and needs home advice. I doubt she wants to jump his bones or that you'll come home and find them naked in the bath tub together, sipping on Rosé.

    If it bothers you, tell your husband to tell her (nicely) to back off.
     
  18. i8myhomework

    i8myhomework Comrade

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    Let's her? She's a grown woman and I'm guessing she does what she wants to and texts who she wants to.

    Unless she's sexting him or is being inappropriate/ making him feel uncomfortable then there's I don't see the problem?
     
  19. Luv2TeachInTX

    Luv2TeachInTX Comrade

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    I would feel uncomfortable with some strange woman calling/texting my husband all the time to come work on her house as well. Her husband needs to step up to the plate or be the one calling his guy friends, not her.
     
  20. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Tell your DH that he needs to give the woman an opportunity to rely on her own husband more. Let him know that he is doing them a disservice by getting involved. If they can't do their own repairs, they should hire them out like everyone else. They may not be aware how ridiculous their impositions are.
     
  21. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    No, it wouldn't, because my husband isn't interested in men.

    She's asking him to come over and get his opinion on stuff I think she should be able to make a decision on herself, like where to put the dishwasher, if they should refinish the floors, things like that. If she can't decide stuff like that on her own, maybe she needs to learn how to Google or Pinterest.

    I'm sorry if she's lonely or whatever, but she needs to suck it up, get over herself, and realize she's texting married men, sometimes multiple times a day. I get lonely sometimes, too, and I don't pull out my phone and start texting DH's friends.

    Like I said in a PP, this is how rumors get started. His police car is very distinctly marked, and is the only one like it in town. If people see it sitting at their house often...
     
  22. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    This is another reason your husband should ease back. His job could be in jeopardy even though these acts are innocent.
     
  23. i8myhomework

    i8myhomework Comrade

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    I'm bowing out. It's pretty obvious that you have trust/insecurity issues. For the sake of your marriage I would gently suggest you consider seeking counseling.

    There is something bigger going on and I don't think it has anything to do with this woman.

    Good luck to you.
     
  24. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    I'm bowing out as well because I don't want to say anything that will get me banned. I think it's pretty hurtful and out of line for you to make this assumption about me and my marriage based on this one post.
     
  25. Ms. I

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    I'm on Bella's side. So if I don't want/like my SO/spouse being too chummy w/ other women, I'M the one with the problem/insecurity issues/too jealous for my own good/anal, etc.? Wow. I don't understand why does my man have to be friends with every woman in the neighborhood, at his work, at the local hangout down the street, at the library, at our church, etc. OK, then I'm a prude/nag/insecure/jealous person then...so be it. :D I better get out of this thread & be done too!
     
  26. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: I'm with Bella.
     
  27. webmistress

    webmistress Devotee

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    I'm on Bella's side too. Some of these responses are absolutely ridiculous. It's completely INAPPROPRIATE for this woman to be texting another woman's husband this often, over minor issues.

    Again, wow at the responses. Bella you know what is best for you and your household. Temptation is real....and this situation breeds temptation. Again, just wow at some of the rude responses
     
  28. MissCeliaB

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    If you have told you husband to stop, and he is being dismissive, then that is a problem. If he continues to ignore you, then you ha e some serious decisions to make. I would recommend couples therapy first, because sometimes a mediator can really help communication. If not, you just have to decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship. I do not think you are being g unreasonable. My husband has some friends who are female, and I have some guy friends, and we may text occasionally, but nothing like what you are describing. It's always just a "saw this, thought you'd like it" or a "who was it that..." or something quick like that. The only time I've had a guy friend over when my husband wasn't home was when my husband was out of town and I needed help unclogging the sink. I don't have children, but when I get lonely, I go out and do something. Have you thought about befriending her or inviting her to join a book group or Bunco game or something?
     
  29. dgpiaffeteach

    dgpiaffeteach Aficionado

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    Some women get along better with men for this very reason. I have a good friend who's male. I text him fairly often just to chat or ask questions. We taught together our first year and then both moved away. We stay in touch a lot via text. I text him funny work stories, pictures of my new dog, random sports chat, etc... My BF has a very good friend who's female and lives about 1000 miles away. They text and call a lot too. Do I have moments of jealousy? Sure, I'm human. They chat sometimes about people I don't know because I didn't go to school with them. But I also trust him 100% and I'm friends with her too. Note though that I didn't become friends with her until they were already good friends.

    I hate this notion that people can't make friends with the opposite sex. Many of my friends are male. I've been in a committed relationship for seven years and I've never come close to cheating. I'd be VERY upset if my boyfriend said I couldn't be friends with someone because of their gender.

    And before someone says you're already friends so it doesn't count, I fully expect to make new friends in my life. Some of them will likely be male. I've become friendly with a group of new teachers, two of whom are male. I'd welcome any new friend into our group, male or female. Just like I'd expect my BF to do the same at his job.

    This woman may very well be coming on to your husband but none of us can know for sure. You need to have a chat with your husband. If he doesn't listen to you of take you seriously, then you do need to do some serious thinking.
     
  30. Shanoo

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    There is a huge difference between chatting the ear off a hired repairman and repeatedly seeking out a married man.

    If this woman doesn't know the wives well, she should try and get to know them. Invite both Bella and her husband over for dinner, for example. The impression I'm getting is that this woman is not shy.

    Having had a marriage end due to my ex-husband's (repeated) cheating, if there is one thing I've learned it's to trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then there is probably something not right about it. If I had a guess, it would be that she's fishing. Bella, talk to your husband. Tell him it's making you uncomfortable and you need it to stop.
     
  31. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

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    People are people and none of us are perfect, but I think this world would be a better place if men and women could be friends with each other equally.
     
  32. AdamnJakesMommy

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    I think it's inappropriate. My husband doesn't even allow me to be friends with men on facebook, much less allow them to text me. I know that men and women can be friends, but affairs often start innocently, just like this. I would insist he make this situation disappear.
     
  33. Tasha

    Tasha Phenom

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    At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about this, it's making YOU uncomfortable. The longer I'm married and see different marriages around me, the more I believe that every relationship is different and what works for one, probably wouldn't work for a different couple. Some marriages choose to have no other relationships with people of the opposite sex, others are fine with it. It does not matter what any of us think, if it is bothering you, it needs to change. My gut feeling is that you tend to be very levelheaded, so something about this is making you uncomfortable more than what you choose to share (and that's your own private business). Talk to your husband and make the changes that you need for the two of you. I like the idea of reaching out to her, new moms are desperate for interaction!
     
  34. AdamnJakesMommy

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    I have had three kids, and seriously each time what I was desperate for was a maid, so that I wasn't run completely ragged every day. I don't get why she needs input on every little thing about her house, from someone other than her husband or females (who tend to do the decorating). It's all so strange. But the new baby does mitigate the situation somewhat, with a newborn in the house, the last thing I would've ever done is cheat on my spouse and I think most women would feel the same way.
     
  35. Special-t

    Special-t Enthusiast

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    If you start showing up with him to help, she will probably not get such a big thrill out of having him at her beck and call.
     
  36. YoungTeacherGuy

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    Great idea!!! :thumb:
     
  37. MissJill

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    They sound like mooches.
    While I agree it seems inappropriate, I would tell my husband that it is nice to offer help, but stop being taken advantage of.

    I also agree with going to the house with him, see if you can befriend her. Maybe she needs a friend, maybe it's something else, but you can get a better idea if you're face to face.
     
  38. HistoryVA

    HistoryVA Devotee

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    I'm a single woman who is close friends with a married man I work with. He is basically my go-to guy, not only for work, but for things I need help/advice for. He's a very handy guy and I'm.... not. I was concerned about how his wife would perceive our friendship in the beginning, so I made a concentrated effort to become friends with her, not only as part of a couple, but individually as well.

    I make sure to help back any way I can (hosting dinners, bringing over food when they and baby were all sick, etc). It is a fine line, though. I know rumors popped up about us at work in the beginning, but they were quickly squashed when they saw how close I was to the wife too.

    I def maintain a friendship with him, though. We text every couple of days and do things together without his wife (concert, baseball games, other things she's not interested in). It only works though because she doesn't feel threatened and because we're all so open with each other.

    I guess my point is that a male-female friendship can be perfectly valid, but it takes a lot of openness and effort. It's odd that there's a husband, though. I call Friend for help because I don't have anyone else. She does. If husband likes these people, though, I'd try to cultivate a couples friendship, rather than just "forbidding" them from being friends.
     
  39. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Bella~I hope that you come back to this post. As a woman who's been cheated on, I understand why you are uncomfortable with a woman texting/calling your husband as often as she is. I like Special's idea of maybe driving over there with him the next time she asks for some advice. Maybe that will stop her from texting or maybe from that, y'all can become friends. It could be that her husband is not very handy and relies on the men just as much as she does. It could be that she's making the texts/calls on her husband's behalf (though I don't understand why the husband can't talk to these men while on the job).
     
  40. kcjo13

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    Take this for what you will, but I find this very rude and presumptuous. If it is pretty obvious that Bella has issues over a handful of posts, I don't know to whom.

    We can talk all day about the way things SHOULD be. That doesn't change the fact that the way things ARE is that it is odd for a married woman to be texting a married man.

    She could very easily word things in a way that include both Bella and her husband. "Tom and I are having a terrible time deciding where the dishwasher should go. Would you and Bella like to come over, have a drink and help us out? Thanks!"

    I am very much more comfortable with men than I am women; I have to make a concerted effort to socialize with women. This weekend, we were at a friend's watching football and I realized that I was standing with the "man" circle, while the ladies were sitting at the picnic table. I had to make myself go back and forth. Sorry, but the men have more interesting conversation. I would be much more likely to text Jake than Missy, but my text would be such that it would include both of them.

    Let's call a spade a spade-nobody deserves to be or wants to be slut-shamed. But as a woman (and a man), there has to be some exploring of what is socially appropriate. Perhaps in her former community, this was acceptable. Now, it isn't. We all have conforming to do, whether we like it or not.

    Tasha nailed it-in the end, it doesn't matter what we think. It matters what Bella thinks. I think it was pretty brave to post that and ask for opinions, and she doesn't deserve to be treated like she was. Bella, if you read this, follow your instinct, ask your husband to either include you or to stop doing this, and ignore ill-timed advice from anonymous sources that aren't productively helping.

    :hugs:
     
  41. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Another thing Bella, remember, you & your husband can always just wash your hands of this ENTIRE thing & NOT help this couple AT ALL, period. It's not your husband's nor your responsibility nor obligation to help them out if you don't want to. Don't worry, your husband can still say hi/bye to him at work. I wouldn't feel any guilt for not helping them! You don't have to be friends with them you know.

    ALSO, you know how they say, never mix business w/ pleasure? Well, my mom always told me to NEVER help anyone out w/ car repairs, home repairs, etc. Leave that to the pros who have their licenses, certifications, etc. Something your husband does in their house might go wrong later down the road & then this couple will be mad at your hubby & want him to pay for damages/further repairs or even sue you! I wouldn't touch anything in anyone's house to attempt to fix it w/ a 10 foot pole!
     
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