Thanksgiving and the ex-wife

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by GoehringTeaches, Nov 2, 2009.

  1. GoehringTeaches

    GoehringTeaches Comrade

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    I live with my husband and his two children. His ex-wife now lives in the same town as us. We have had some ups and downs as we deal with having her in town. We have custody of the children. We said something to the children about Thanksgiving dinner and they asked if they could invite their mom. We never answered them. Now my husband has decided that we should invite her, her new baby, and new husband over for Thanksgiving dinner to be fair to the boys. It's about what the boys want. I LOST IT! The ex-wife is an awful person and an even worse mother to those boys and you want me to invite her into MY HOME? I DON'T THINK SO! Am I being out of line for not wanting a woman that I despise with every fiber of my being in my house? Do I really have to suck it up just for the sake of the children? Why should I cater to her needs in my own home when she would never do the same for me?
     
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  3. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    I'm confused why you should have to make your holiday for her family? I think that is a little much, especially if you don't like her. Could you just do dessert or something for the "sake of the kids?"

    I spent Thanksgiving days with my dad...no one ever invited the other over. I think it's a hard request for you. This is your holiday as well.

    I hope you find something to make your holiday ok for all.
     
  4. Simba

    Simba Comrade

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    I think dessert is a great idea.

    Holidays are tough enough...I understand how you are feeling. Have you talked to DH about your feelings?
     
  5. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    Or maybe if you are getting pressured to have them over, maybe for breakfast the Saturday after, and have something planned to do afterwards so it doesn't drag out all day.

    If they have a new baby, I would imagine that they would want to spend the day with either the new husband's family or the ex's family on that day.
     
  6. GoehringTeaches

    GoehringTeaches Comrade

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    Neither the ex nor her new husband have family anywhere close to here. My husband understands how I feel and said that we will have Thanksgiving at my parents house so that way there is no pressure on us to have them over. (Although my mom said they are welcome to go to her house-she's a better woman than me!)
     
  7. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    It has nothing to do with being a better woman. You are not wrong to want to spend the holiday in peace. In fact, I wouldn't invite her to my home for breakfast, supper, or dessert.

    Do the children see their mother often? What's the status of their relationship? How old are the children? The answers to these questions may help me offer my advice as to what I would do in your situation as a fair compromise. I do understanding wanting the children to be happy, but having their family gathered under one roof is not necessarily the way to achieve that....

    My parents divorced when I was five. My step-father's mother is my dad's next door neighbor, although it is half a mile down the road, and one winter my stepdad and mom were visiting her while us children were with our dad. Well, my step-dad's car broke down at the bottom of the hill so they had to walk up to the farm where we were and wait a bit. I remember my mom coming in the house waiting and I recall how strange it was to see her in the house again. And then, a couple years later, my dad came into my mom's house because he needed to help my brother set up his Sega or Super Nintendo or whatever it was. Again, I remember feeling that it was very strange. But in a good way. And it actually upset me because I wondered why things couldn't just be like that always, both of them together in the same house--like it was when I was five. My point is that you have to be careful how you handle this as whatever you do could really affect the children emotionally.
     
  8. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Don't spend much energy on this one. You are allowed to have the holiday gathering that you and your husband decide upon - both of you. Since he isn't insisting, go to your mother's house or have it at home without the ex. Offer to drive your kids to her house in the evening.
     
  9. kalli007

    kalli007 Companion

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    Does the divorce decree stipulate who gets the kids for each holiday?

    Also, and I say this as a person with divorced parents, their must be a FINE LINE defining what happens after parents divorce and possibly remarry. I would never in a million years be okay with my SO's ex joining for the holidays - the kids need to understand the divorced means divorced.

    Dont get me wrong, on our b-days my mom would have a party for us and of course my dad would be there - but on "family holidays" like Christmas or Thanksgiving we did each gathering separate.

    Maybe I am too harsh?
     
  10. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    :yeahthat: Unless you are Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
     
  11. stephenpe

    stephenpe Connoisseur

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    My attitude is to try and make little kids happy if you can.
    None of what has happened was their fault.
     
  12. kalli007

    kalli007 Companion

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    Where do you stop? It is not their fault, but as kids they do not set the rules or guidelines - and it is not punishment, it's just they way it is now that the divorce has occurred.

    Trust me, as a child of divorce this is not the best attitude in the long run - or everyone is going to get manipulated!
     
  13. stephenpe

    stephenpe Connoisseur

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    As a child of divorce, also, I think little kids get a little more slack but I agree as they get older they begin to accept reality.
    Seems like divorce makes everything crappy for children sometimes.
     
  14. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Yeah, when kids are too young to pick up on the unhappiness from their parents, divorce is pretty crappy. They feel everything was just peachy and therefore wonder why the change.
     
  15. GoehringTeaches

    GoehringTeaches Comrade

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    The boys are 9 and 11. Their mother basically signed over custody to my husband last December. She then moved to our area in August. She sees them every other weekend and then during the week at sporting events for the children (so it's not like she doesn't see them) This is our holiday because my husband will be leaving for Iraq in December and she will have them for Christmas. (Should I also throw in the mix the fact that she left her children last Thanksgiving to meet her husband on his R&R from Iraq and let the children stay with a friend for a week????)
     
  16. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    I would say then keep it to yourselves. I think you need to have this time as a "family" w/out her influence!
     
  17. FarFromHome

    FarFromHome Connoisseur

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    I think it would be ok if she was single and didn't have somewhere else to go. But if she is married and has other children then I don't think they need to be invited.
     
  18. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I feel for you & no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Yet, if you don't let her come, you'll look like the bad guy in his kids' eyes. It's like you're d@mned if you do & d@mned if you don't. Yet, the kids deserve to have their parents spend time w/ them on holidays.

    This is why I'll never date or marry a divorced guy w/ kids. I don't want to deal w/ that baggage & the ex always being in the picture. And it's a constant worry...every birthday, every Thanksgiving, Christmas, other occasions, etc., etc.

    Good luck!
     
  19. janlee

    janlee Devotee

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    Would it be possible for your husband to invite his ex and her current family to the house for dessert but you not be present. You are still having the children visit with their mother. Perhaps you can say that you are using the time to help out at a soup kitchen or visit some folks who are alone for the holiday. This way you have a valid reason for not being present.
     
  20. Hoot Owl

    Hoot Owl Aficionado

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    No just no but heck no. You start it this year and then next year you'll have her for Christmas and then all the birthday parties. I'm sorry an "X" is an "X".
     
  21. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    I say, go to your mom's and skip the problem this year. And tell your mom thanks but no thanks regarding inviting the ex.

    Then figure out how you are all going to handle things from here on out. To be fair, either share the day 1/2 and 1/2 or rotate holidays. Either way, you don't have to be around this person who you don't have a good relationship with.

    Some divorced families figure out how to smooth things out and spend time with all the adults and kids involved. I couldn't do that. I am just too jealous. But I do admire those who can. I just think it is unusual.
     
  22. AMK

    AMK Aficionado

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    I would try and make the dinner work. It would mean a lot to the kids and remember in the end it is their mom.
    My mom and her step sons (my 1/2 brother) mom for the most part got along even though they had custody of him.
    I never cared for my brother's mom but I never ever told him.
     
  23. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    No. Don't do it.
     

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