Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Master Pre-K, Jul 29, 2008.
Aug 6, 2008
Sounds like you're right to put her out of your head- she's dragging you down.
All Used up!!
The more I think about it... I got a handful of people who (would) call and say... "I know you know this..." or..."I need to know something." They never bother to say, "How are you?" or "Hey, I have a favor to ask."
There's this commercial here in Chicago about a new phone book, called Dex (I guess that's the publisher) It's a guy is perched on a shelf, who is a real nerd, glasses...everything. And everyone asks him everything, and he is just tossed around, ignored, literally throw away... like a phone book... when they are finished.
Dex, you are great... you know everything... Then they take off!
I'm going to stop being a phone book!
Reminds me even more about the one friend who did say, "I have a favor to ask." She wanted to use my computer. Then called back and said, "We're on our way!" We're?? (oh...she's bringing her kids!)
Did I mention I have a small condo?
She comes over around 8:30pm with her 4 & 5 year old, and stays until 11pm! I am playing Super Nanny, wondering when she is going to jump in and supervise her kids. They are literally trying to color on my walls, running circles in my living room, and eat their cold, greasy Happy Meals on my new sofa!
I am tired of being used!
Aug 9, 2008
She called me again tonight
At 11:30 pm. And I didn't answer. Leaves me a voice mail.
Now her voice sounds like it's cracking, maybe she's crying.
"I don't know if I have offended you, but I thought we were friends. If I upset you, I am sorry. But I need to talk to you. Call me. Bye."
Yeah, see... that is like too little too late for me. I feel like I am being controlled again. Guilt trip. You don't know if you offended me? Yes you do, you said it when you hung up, as if I was supposed to be prepared for you to call back. And you said it last time you called, and demanded that I accept your apology! Now you say you are sorry, when last time, you asked for help first. And the guilt trip part?! That is too much. "I thought we were friends." See, you are going back and forth here. Apologize and mean it, or don't bother.
If she would have left that part off, and said, PLEASE call me... I might have thought about it.
But not anymore.
And it's 11:30pm. I am supposed to be sitting around with nothing to do but talk to you at this hour? Maybe I might be sleep. Does anybody start their call with, "Sorry if I am calling to late" or, "I know you are up late some nights, hope I am not disturbing you."
there I go again.. thinking like a logical person....
Sounds like my MIL. She abuses all her resources and then gets upset when she is in a DEEP hole and then my husband, across the country, finds as many resources to help her as possible. He makes the appts and contacts and some of them were very creative. She couldn't be bothered.
I second the depression part. Perhaps she views life very cynically now that she doesn't see what she could be doing only that nothing ever works anyways.
No Runw/Scissors can't change her name. My name is inspired by hers, though far less dangerous.
glad to see you back CNG! Hey we have another teacher aide/vs substitute job thread going... did you see it?
it is a drag...isn't it! I can get so low myself sometimes...but I hate being around people who get more depressed than I am...
kind like washing dishes...
might have a few in my sink
but that makes anyone else's sink look really bad...
I'll get in there and start washing!
MPK-she is quite a manipulative person,isn't she?In fact she is so self absorbed that she can not understand that others have needs as well-it's as if everyone merely exists to fulfill her insatiable desire for attention. Maybe she has some sort of narcissistic psychopathic disorder? In which case,you should probably run like hell away from her.
Ha ha! Thanks cutNglue! I don't really run around with sharp scissors, Beth, so take heart. During the school year I do often feel like my days are reeling out of control, so the name fits (b/c I feel like I'm running around like a chicken without a head.) I just wanted something fun and identifiable when I signed up.
Your name jogged something I've said at work a number of times: "We went to college to learn how to cut and glue all day."
Aug 10, 2008
needs a restrainer order..and/or bible..
Well folks, she called back!
Calls around 5pm. I don't answer. Leaves this message:
"Remember when we were in the library, I need that form you printed because the school said I did something wrong. So, if you can bother, please send it to me. If you don't want to bother... (get this, she gets real ugly) SEND IT TO ME ANYWAY, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW IT NEED IT TO GET A JOB!! Love you. Bye."
Okay, so now you are going to tell me what you want, despite the fact that I am not returning your calls. And you are going to yell and demand that I do what you want???
Wasn't that my ex husband??? :huh:
"Love you, bye" ?????
She calls back at 11pm. Again.. like maybe that's when the granddaughter is finally sleep. I don't know. I am not supposed to be sleeping. This time, I answer and hang up. (remember those days, Yes... when we were in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL) It didn't work. She called again. So, I answered and hung up again.
She doesn't need me.
What's she's gonna need is a peace bond, or a few verses from my pastor's sermon today.
And maybe both...
She needs to let go of me and let God help her. She can't get nothing because she won't take what is given to her. And when things don't go her way, she tries to make them, and take them...and that's why I know I..
need to take myself somewhere else..
What else did we used to do (that was childish)... answer the phone, but not say nothing?? Now she would be wasting minutes that she claims she can't afford. Then she will have to hang up! Then maybe she will get the message.
If I wanted that job, I would ask the person who told me I had the wrong form to send me the right one! I wouldn't be wasting time harassing somebody who obviously did not want to be bothered with me.
Master Pre-K, she's obviously not in the right place in her head to start with. I can't tell if she is just messed up or seriously overwhelmed and depressed and lashing out accordingly. Either way, she needs your patience and understanding. Keep in mind that doesn't mean you need to be used. You can have limits. But for some stuff, take it with a grain of salt.
She is also hurt because she knows you are mad at her. I'm sure she has talked herself through a million scenarios between phone calls and alternates between remorse, sadness and just being plain pissed off. If nothing else, just because she can't see what SHE is doing wrong, doesnt' mean she isn't judging what YOU are doing wrong. We all do a bit of that. In this case, I suspect she may be pissed because might be viewing your refusal to pick up the phone and communicate as somewhat childish. It SHOULD be a strong enough hint but if she is the victim (mentality) and everyone else has the issues, then it is quite possible that it is not how she is viewing the situation.
Mental illness, as well as plain stupidity, runs in my family. I've learned that I don't have to get sucked in and used, but I also don't have to waste my energy feeling negative or bitter about that person when that person probably needs me to understand that they may or may not be able to help everything they are doing.
Forgive me if I messed up with my assessment above because I didn't read all five pages.
Also Master Pre-K, I haven't been in your shoes but you have had to deal with a lot in your lifetime. Abuse colors your views and sometimes your patience with others because you've been there and done that and don't want to wear the t-shirt again. Just make sure your ability to separate getting dragged down, sucked in, used etc is not the same as patience and understanding and knowing the person may not be as strong as you obviously are. You've done a lot to help her. Sometimes the best thing you can do is let go and stop worrying with and for her. That doesn't mean she can't have your support. You may want to limit it if it is dragging YOU down but at the same time you can cut her some slack if she isn't "getting it."
Having said all that...My inlaws frustrate the hell out of me with how they live their life and I admit I'm not quite as understanding as I should be and I'm quite bitter about how they deal with stuff especially if it involves me. So I'm saying stuff that is easy to say but not easy to follow. Take it or leave it.
Also I write this I'm thinking about my mom. It's a long family drama. Bottom line on that one though is I love my mom but I know she is messed up. I love my mom but I can't fix her. I love my mom but I'm not bitter about it because I know she's messed up and can't really help it. What do I do? I love my mom but I don't get involved if I can help it. I will help her if I thought I could, but I've had enough experience to know that is rarely the case. So I take what she can offer and let go of the rest. I listen to her when she needs it but avoid get sucked up into the conversation and drama if I can help it. Why can't I do that with my inlaws????
Aug 11, 2008
MPK, just my opinion here, but I think you need to talk to her. Lay everything on the line in a diplomatic way. She needs to know where she stands with you and why. I know you are hurting and want to give her a taste of that medicine, but like cutNglue said, if she is mentally ill she needs a bit more latitude. I'm not saying any of this is excusable by any stretch, but if depression is involved then please be a bit more willing to forgive.
Tell her what's bugging you, why you are angry, how she has hurt you...gently but frimly. She may get angry and defensive and that's to be expected, but stand your ground. Say "Hey, I'd like to feel like more than simply the shoulder you ---- on. I would like to have the kind of friendship where each person supports/values the other." Put the ball in her court, but be willing to return it. I'm not sure that shutting her out is the best plan because nothing will get resolved and you may seem just as petty or immature from her stand point-not saying you are just how it may appear to her. Please give this some thought. I have a close friend who deals with depression, and it isn't always fun or easy to be friends with her. I do tend to be the crying shoulder, but she shows me she values me in other ways. I know I can't always count on her for emotional support (depending on what is going on in her life) but I've learned to accept that.
Please talk with you friend. She may not respond the way you want, but she does know where she stands with you.
No MSW or PhD in Psychology over here
I can't afford to save the world, and lose myself in the process.
I think my last line said it all. I am not the end-all, know-all, be-all in on the planet. Surely if I wanted a job bad enough, I would not expect one single, solitary person to be in control of my destiny.
The office that told her she had the wrong form, or did it incorrectly should send her the form. That is not my job. And I don't know why the heck she won't just call them back and ask them.
I am not getting paid. So, yeah, it's Monday and I am a little pissed. Because I am tired of being an unpaid consultant. And then insulted, on top of it. I am out of work. I don't have time for people to waste my cell phone minutes and try to make me take care of them.
"Send it to me anyway, because you know I need it for a job."
That, to me, does not warrant an excuse for me to reach out and help her. She doesn't need my help. I obviously am not enough. She wants immediatate gratification, and does not see the problem in her lack of finding long term solutions, and more importantly... her people skills. If she wanted to say, "That's how I am, I've always been like that." Well, then maybe it's time to change. Nobody has to deal with you the way you are because you think we should. She has not listened to one single word I said...all she did was complain, and personally, when she started yelling at God, and saying he wasn't doing nothing... I was ready to go. I can't be a part of that conversation. I know He cares for me... He cares for us all.
Yes, I have been abused, and wearing a pretty thick shield, but I have a choice between who and what I have to deal with.
I can deal with irrate customers at Wal-Mart, because I need this part time job.
I don't have to deal with so-called friends who are depressed, and make little or no effort to help themselves, take out their anger on me, and when...lo and behold, they get a bite, have the nerve to call me back yelling and demanding that I help them.
Life doesn't work like that.
And, for what's it's worth.... couldn't she just ask the librarian the same thing? Again..somebody who gets paid to do research.
Having been the one who has cut ties with "toxic" friends, I totally support you. It's one of the roughest things on earth to do, but this is not someone who can emotionally support you the way she expects to be supported. This is someone who is dragging you down, and you're treading water as is.
thanks CNF... yes and to everyone else, it is different when it's comes to family.
Can't pick your relatives
but as I said to my daughter when she was in kindergarten..
To have a friend you have to be a friend..
We gravitate to those who have similiar likes and likes. Something in common. We share an interest. Most of my closest friends came from college, not high school. The really good ones came from jobs. And I found plenty of friends from my daughter's schools. Because the same parents showed up at Honor Roll Breakfast, the PTA meetings, Girl Scouts, and the Band Parents meeting, all of the assemblies, and school conferences... all the way to high school! That said it all right there. These folks had the same goals, beliefs, morals and values. And not just neighbors, because sometimes, a person who lives next door may not share these things.
In fact, I will say this.
My best friends have all moved away...
what do you think that means???
We stay in touch thru snailmail and email, phone calls and Christmas cards. But it seems the wisest people move on with their lives, change and yet, still keep in up.
And, I too have had people who, well let's just say acted as if they were better than I (yes, one is a relative ) and they don't return calls, move and don't leave forwarding addreses, and when I reach out to them, they make polite conversation only. It is clear, they are moving on to bigger and better things, ..and I am no longer a part of their lives.
And, that is perfectly fine with me.
I can relate to the family thing. There was almost a massive fight setting up my wedding list when I wanted to decline inviting my eldest cousin. So what if he'd attempted to rape me when I was in elementary school? HE invited me to HIS wedding (where I scowled the whole time in all black clothing and a purple hairdo). Thankfully, my wedding was a four hour drive, and one of his dogs had just delivered a litter (that side of the family is a little sick about their pet obsession), so I was off the hook.
GHA, the whole thing makes me sick thinking about it all over again. Trust me, I know how tough it can be to make that break. For me and Cousin, it's my refusing to come home for holidays anymore.
Master Pre-K, I said some pretty tough things. I hope you love me anyways. I'm always playing the devil's advocate role and trying to offer another perspective.
Aug 13, 2008
My daughter has the opposite problem...
This may help everyone understand a bit more..
or further confuse the situation.
My daughter, on the otherhand... is much worse than I.
She wants to help everyone and everything. I say charity begins at home. She sends money via email to the Hurricane Katrina families. And then turns around and says she needs money for school. I told her I appreciate her thoughts, but she can't keep helping others unless she is able to care for herself!
so...perhaps you would like to go here with me...