Take My Advice, No Really!

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Master Pre-K, Jul 29, 2008.

  1. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Hello All,

    I got this friend, and I am really starting to wonder about her.

    We are both looking for pre-k teaching jobs. I have been giving her leads, faxing her resume, and calling to cheer her up.

    She has been telling me to take any job I can find, sabbatoging her interviews with a bad attitude, and constantly complaining about how much her life sucks.


    She is worried about paying her $60 subsidizing housing rent. I am lucky to have enough savings to pay my $750 mortgage.


    She is not certified, and complains about my suggestions of returning to school. I am certified, and working on my masters.

    Her bus card expires on Thursday. My car is sitting on 1/4 tank of gas. But I have been walking to the store, and combining trips to save gas. I buy one day bus pass for $5, and only go out 2-3 days a week. Her bus card costs $80

    She tells me about the jobs contacts when they ask for certified teachers. I fax her resume when I see jobs that don't require certification.


    She says nobody will call her anyway, because her pay-as-you go phone will soon be off again. I just increased my anytime minutes for an extra $5 per month. I made payment arrangements last month, so they would not shut off my service.

    I showed her how to find jobs on the web at the library. I have my own computer at home. She complains that she can't afford a computer, but has not been back to the library since.

    So..you see what is going on. I am trying to make the most of my resources. She has much less, but doesn't seem to be taking advantage or making any effort to do more.

    Starting to wear me down, and really depress me. I offer her advice, but she won't take it!

    Any suggestions?

    Advice? :rolleyes:
     
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  3. MissAmy

    MissAmy Companion

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    Jul 29, 2008

    Some people are just naturaly negative. If it were my friend, I would probably tell her just what you told us. I think that being honest with a person like this would go much farther than trying to be positive and by doing things for her you are just empowering her to do nothing. It sounds to me like she just doesn't have the confidence to believe that she can do better.

    You sound like a good friend. I hope everything goes well.
     
  4. SarahJ

    SarahJ Companion

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    Jul 29, 2008

    I have a similar friend/aquaintance. She is VERY negative about everything. I have been very honest with her (after about 4 months of trying to be subtle) but yet she still refuses to apply for every possible job because even though they might not be 100% perfect she should be networking and getting to know the community etc.

    I do the same...let her know about any jobs, send off her CV etc. I think the best we can do is remain positive, be there for them but don't allow ourselves to become caught up in their negativity.
     
  5. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    so...try not to get caught up? Okay. that sounds like a plan. I really do want the best for her. When we talk, I take down leads that she tells me about, and I think that is good for both of us. Half the time, I know she will be depressed, but I call to encourage her to tell me about interviews, so I can offer pointers.

    Tried to tell her about social service agencies to get assistance, but she is negative and doesn't want to be bothered. Keeps making excuses.

    I hope things turn around soon!
     
  6. TemperanceFaith

    TemperanceFaith Comrade

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    You sound like a very giving friend. Don't let your friend's negativity change that about you.

    I agree with the other poster, that there are just some people who are negative; the glass is always going to be half empty, no matter what. I know people like that, and they seem to be almost happier when things don't work out...when things are good, they do not know what to do with themselves. People like that tend to be emotionally draining to the people around them. Kinda like vampires. The best way to deal with them is to not let them suck you dry. This means always being positive, not feeding into their negative, even ending conversations that are negative. Think about how everyone in Pooh Corner dealt with Eeyore. They killed him with kindness. Even he would eventually see the bright side.
     
  7. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    I wish Master Pre-K was my friend. Dang, talk about going out of your way to help someone!!!

    Maybe your friend truly needs to hit rock bottom before she can let you help her. It sounds to me like she's clinically depressed. If she is, nothing you do or say is going to help her until she decides to help herself. Temperance's advice was good.
     
  8. Beth561

    Beth561 Comrade

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    ...I think that MissAmy is exactly right. It just might be the wake up call that she needs. Nobody gets away without learning some life lessons and this is one of them.

    P.S. MPK, you've got such perseverance, it's inspiring.

    "Perseverance and failure cannot coexist-failure means to quit, perseverance is the ultimate success insurance."
     
  9. lilmisses1014

    lilmisses1014 Comrade

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    Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy...

    You're a much better and nicer person than I am, Master Pre-K!! I grew up surrounded by negative people and make a conscious effort not to develop such habits. I certainly have my days (don't we all...), though.

    Anyway, I hope she wakes up one day and realizes what a gem of a friend she has in you!
     
  10. Special-t

    Special-t Enthusiast

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    These people are called *Energy Vampires* for a reason. Hang some garlic by your phone to remind you to not pick up when she calls! Believe me, she'll gravitate to another friend as soon as you become too busy to be there every time she needs you.
     
  11. succeed

    succeed Rookie

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    how should I handle this letter

    oopsi have to offer?
     
  12. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    thanks!
     
  13. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I'll be your friend! :) I don't know what I would do without AtoZ! This is the best place ever to find help! I was out of a job, in the past, I kept to myself, tried to hide, not let anyone know...was pretty good at it! Then I learned that was the worse thing you could do. You have to network and let people know. That is the biggest bulk of the job hunting market...the jobs that are not posted! And networking builds contacts.

    It keeps you from spinning your wheels, wasting trips, and phone calls to find out somebody else already checked out that job, and will not let you make the same mistake. Or, they see something that doesn't work for them, but would be perfect for you! That's what I am trying to do for my friend! And, I don't want to see her get depressed, and take that anger and indifference into interviews.

    And I can read between the lines, and see thru the crap in the ad and help her pick out the good ones..

    I recognize that fax number, that is the job that just fired me! Or, an ad reads 'We want helpful, energetic people'... translation, work like a dog, and no breaks!

    really rewarding...low pay!
     
  14. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    energy vampires.... wow, that's a good one

    they suck you dry! :rofl::rofl:

    I know their cousins...

    The Control Freaks!

    They want to do everything! They don't want you to do anything! Of course, they can control a dogonne thing in their own lives. Therefore...they must run yours.. and the rest of the world! :lol:
     
  15. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    yeah, I am helping too much, and becoming an enabler! :unsure:
     
  16. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    gee... :love:
     
  17. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    I guess I thought if I helped more, she would be less negative... :(
     
  18. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    can I sell some of this perserverance stuff, so they won't cut my off my cable? If I don't pay any other bills, I make sure I'll have my internet!

    whoa! your quote is so deep. you know, I forgot to tell you guys..

    She actually hung up on me! She said, "I'm sorry, but nothing is going right, and I'm just tired, and gotta go..and it is not you".. and CLICK!

    maybe we can't coexist... I am too positive for her... :unsure:
     
  19. WaProvider

    WaProvider Fanatic

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    Maybe if she hung up on you - that could be the start of your break from her. I love your posts on the preK thread, and i would hate for you to have a vampire stuck to you. Try to take the break, wait for her, and see what happens. Maybe she will find another friend-and you have ....us!
     
  20. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    thanks! I just spent 1/2 hr helping another poster on a Head Start interview. She wanted to know what it's like. Hope I didn't scare her away! :rolleyes:


    appreciate your thoughts.. :)
     
  21. BioAngel

    BioAngel Science Teacher - Grades 3-6

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    My Sister sounds alot like her except she's not in the teaching profession. Instead of getting myself worked up about it, I'm just telling her to do it her way--- I'm hoping that if she makes a few mistakes and realizes I'm not here to save her, she'll start sucking it up and get a job that pays the bills... even if she hates it.

    Apparently your friend doesn't want your help--- or she doesn't want to help herself. She wants attention, she wants to be able to vent to you about the bad stuff, and have a shoulder to cry on.

    This is perfectly fine and it would probably be alot easier to do than what you're doing now. As I see it, you've done plenty to help her--- now its time for her to take what you've taught her and do it herself. No more helping if she's not going to follow up on your suggestions. But still please be a friend to her--- I'm sure she'll need that no matter what.
     
  22. gossamer

    gossamer Rookie

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    It sounds like she might be clinically depressed. The other thing that came to my mind is that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get a teaching job because I believe it is my vocation. Maybe she doesn't. If you want to keep in touch with her for job lead prospects, do it. But don't let yourself get sucked into the void of hopelessness.
     
  23. WaterfallLady

    WaterfallLady Enthusiast

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    I used to have a friend who liked sabatoging everything so people would feel sorry for her and give her attention. She is no longer my friend.

    Do you think thats what your friend is doing? Maybe she is depressed. If she's not depressed, then I'd say its time to let go. She obviously isn't doing anything with the results of all your hard work.
     
  24. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

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    I agree, Master Pre-K. If I had never found this place, I'd probably be just like your friend!

    If someone's not a teacher, they just DO NOT UNDERSTAND the whole range of poo we go through - from finding a job, to dealing with kids, parents, and administration, to trying to have a life outside of work.

    This place is pure manna for the teacher's soul.
     
  25. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    that's the thing... she is a teacher...

    I just think she has way too many issues going on, and in so many ways like the parents in our Head Start services, does not take advantage of the programs out there to get out of the hell hole she is in!!!

    You gotta stand up before you walk!
     
  26. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    well, for starters, she needs to find the courage to help her daughter get out the house, and stop trying to take care of herself, her kid and her grandkids! It is too much for her to handle, and her grown children are not pulling their weight. I think she wants all this drama in her life!! She complains to me, but does nothing to let her kids know they need to grow up and move out or step up and step on!

    sigh... that is what's really going on!
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2008
  27. gossamer

    gossamer Rookie

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    Well, she has taught her daughter how to treat her. Some people do seek out drama. They thrive on it.
     
  28. Beth561

    Beth561 Comrade

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    it also sounds like learned helplessness-you know, I can't do it so other people do it for them.
    Another thought-maybe she is codependent on her daughter so she is enabling her daughter to continue to be codependent on her--OMG--i've just confused myself:lol: Any psyche majors out there?:D
     
  29. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Loud and clear over here! I think you found your second career! Hang your Psychologist For Hire sign outside your door!

    How could I not see this?!! Sounds exactly like my ex & his mother! She wants to help him, he calls her for everything, and wants her help. If I get a flat, I call AAA. He gets a flat? He calls her! Not only does she call him over for every little thing (change a light bulb), she cooked extra meals for him, and naturally, he stayed longer and ate more.

    thanks Beth!!
     
  30. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    and maybe I am living in the land of denial...

    I can't believe she is putting up with this...but yet...it is true, and I should accept it, and move on...
     
  31. Beth561

    Beth561 Comrade

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    :rofl:Yes, MPK-you should move...move to the Sunshine State and open a school and hire all of us and pay us lots and lots of money and maybe even let us pick the students and the days we want to work and.........:rolf: :rofl:
     
  32. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    hmmmm... I can see this...

    no more helping... ugh... that is hard for me.... I could clean out my closet if I stopped saving stuff for things I think people could use!

    maybe I am part of the problem too...:unsure:
     
  33. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    didn't you see my ad??? I told you I had a virtural school, hired everyone, and put you all on payroll as long term sub with benefits!

    Ha Ha...

    I gotta go... I just saw on Nightline that people who sit at the computer for a long time gain weight! This is starting to make sense now!!!

    Going to run down the stairs and put something in my car, just for the exercise...

    and to make sure it is still there! :rolleyes:
     
  34. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    MPK, I don't know how long the two of you have been friends to where you know how her personality truly is, but you can do one of two things:

    1) If you stay friends w/ her, there's still only so much you can do to help motivate her & keep her spirits up. But as we all know, everyone can talk till they're blue in the face & if that person doesn't believe something w/i themself, they'll just stay down & out until they decide to make a change about their life. So, if you still want to talk on the phone w/ her regularly or go out w/ her socially, there's nothing wrong w/ that, but don't be surprised when she drudges up the same old pessimistic thoughts about how she never gets a break in life, how she'll never get hired, how she can't afford her bills, etc. Personally, I wouldn't want to associate w/ someone who's constantly negative 24/7.
    However, if she's an otherwise happy, optimistic person & is just going through a rough patch right now, hopefully she'll get out of her funk soon.

    2) You say that her depressing thoughts are starting to have an effect on you. Also, maybe she likes it when people feel sorry for her all the time. I don't know what her purpose is of constantly complaining, but it may be better to kind of distance yourself from her just a little (or maybe a lot). The last thing you want to do is be depressed like her. You don't want to be like that old saying: Birds of a feather flock together.
    Tell her when she has some good news, the two of you can go out to celebrate. But, tell her the good news has to be a bit more than she found a great way to get access to a computer! ;)
     
  35. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    Haven't read all the posts, but i see two possibilities here.

    1) She is the energy vampire. Advice-steer clear of her when you aren't up to the challenge of listening to her "woe is me" song. Call or answer her calls if you like, but stop giving her advice unless she starts asking. Sometimes people need help but don't want it. They just want to know other want to give it. Goofy I know, but there it is.

    2) Could this be a real depression? Has she always been like this? About everything or just somethings? Is this behavior new as a result of her job search? How long has she been searching? Some people are perfectly fine until they hit a job search that doesn't go well or seems to go nowhere for a long time. A neighbor down the street had this happen years ago. He was downsized from his company (I think) and looked for work for months. When he couldn't find anything he was qualified for (and therefore unable to support his family) he fell into a depression that landed him immobile on the livingroom couch. He had all the classic signs (loss of appetite, apathy, told his wife to leave him, etc.) but wouldn't get help.

    I have no idea which category your friend falls into. I guess the best you can do is just be her quiet support. I'd stop feeding her leads and suggestions unless I were asked. Otherwise I'd just get too wrapped up in the drama and I would bring me down as well.
     
  36. Beth561

    Beth561 Comrade

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    :hijack:Hey runswscissors-any chance you can change your name-every time I see it, I picture catastrophic diasters-it freaks me out:eek:hmy:

    And back to MPK's friend.....
     
  37. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    Aug 5, 2008

    update...

    Well here is the update.

    She calls me at 8:30 on Monday... and hey, I'm only working part time, so I was snoozing pretty good! :mad: I see it's her, and I don't answer. What is that you want this early? You must want something, and in my book, I didn't get an apology, and it's too early to be asking for favors, advice or help. What have you been doing for the last two weeks??? Leaves as text... "Please call"

    I don't.

    She calls tonight, and I don't answer. I am fed up with people treating me like dirt. I can't believe she woke me up like that the other day. Like I don't have anywhere to go... (ok, I didn't but still...she didn't know that... I was supposed to have an interview, but they cancelled it.)

    She calls again and again. Finally she leaves a voice mail.

    Yeah it's me. I need your advice. Yeah, I said it (really mean, nasty). And, if I hurt your feelings, I said I would call back and apologize. So, I apologize, get over it. Call me.

    No, I have not called.

    In my book, the apology should have came first! And even if she is on the edge, and I know it, she should be somewhat humble now, or at least pretending to be nice, until I forgive her. I can't believe she is demanding me to call and give her advice!


    Yeah RWS... she asked for advice, but sheesh.... I got feelings, I don't appreciate that..

    Mind you, I have been dumped on too many times this summer, and still depressed about the job fiasco. I don't need free insults.
     
  38. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Geez, I wouldn't bother w/ her much, if at all. She's not very humble, is she!
     
  39. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    She sounds like my college buddy who ditched my wedding and sneered at me to get over it because he was sorry. Haven't talked to him in two years. Much less drama ever since.
     
  40. Master Pre-K

    Master Pre-K Virtuoso

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    yeah, I really couldn't believe her... calling me at 8 in the morning! Most folks know to wait at least until 9-10ish.. Unless you are family, and/or it was an emergency. (of course, you wouldn't call with an emergency unless you were on good terms with someone!)

    and like I am supposed to know she is upset, or has an attitude, and she said she was going to call back and apologize... uh I didn't hear the apology before she started asking for advice..

    "Get over it." :confused:

    Yeah, no problem...

    I'll get over it. Now, back to the job hunt.

    thanks guys! :thanks:
     
  41. lcluigs03

    lcluigs03 Cohort

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    Aug 6, 2008

    wow! i didn't read everything, but she sounds like a real treat. i always have the opposite. my life has been difficult (i was a struggling student, my personal life was in ruins and i was homeless) but i didn't complain about it...grinned and beared it. but my "friend" rubbed my nose in her success. she bragged about getting A's and her fabulous boyfriend. so i stopped calling her and stopped taking her calls. she eventually got the hint.

    one day while at my new college she called and asked if we could be friends. i had no problem telling her how she made me feel and that i didn't want to be surrounded by people that made me feel worse than i already did. i want/need people that will make me forget my problems/over look them and treat me the way i deserve. i was so proud of myself for being "grown up" about it (i tend to loose my cool sometimes).

    needless to say, i haven't spoken to her in 9 years! i don't miss that relationship at all!

    anyway, it sounds like her friendship is very one-sided. all about her. i'd hear her out and then tell her how you feel. it could help the friendship or end it. either way, you'll feel better.

    good luck
    LC
     

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