Suicide is Painless?

Discussion in 'Job Hunting & Interviews' started by permanentrecord, Jul 30, 2006.

  1. Jul 30, 2006

    I started out this summer full of hope and optimism. Teaching is, as many of you know, a calling placed in our hearts. I don't think that I could be happy without teaching.

    The end of summer is rapidly approaching, and every school that I applied to has rejected me. Most weren't even kind enough to call.

    I've missed my student loan payments because of my state of absolute poverty. I spend more and more time alone, avoiding everyone. I cry without reason. Sleeping is difficult, but after two days of staying awake I'll sleep for the next sixteen hours.

    I have applied to schools near and far, but no one seems to think that I would make a good choice. I don't know how to start picking up the pieces of my life. What scares me the most is that I've reached a point where I really don't want to. I feel like curling up and dying. I didn't spend the last four years of my life in school so that I could run coffee around an office, but it seems like that's what I'll end up doing. (If, that is, someone thinks I'm qualified.)

    Please, has anyone out there given serious thought to suicide before? I just can't get these thoughts out of my head and my heart. The post-college job hunt has shattered my self-esteem and frightened me to the point of losing all hope. The thought of anyone close to me finding out how desperate and alone I feel terrifies me. I just feel like a worthless person in an inescapable situation.
     
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  3. teresaglass

    teresaglass Groupie

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    YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM A BAD CASE OF DEPRESSION! You need to seek professional help immediately. Go see a doctor or a psychiatrist. They can give you medication to lift you out of this. After that try applying to be a teacher's aide or a substitute. You will not be able to get a job until you get out of your despair. This is what is preventing you from focusing on your job search. Everyone has thoughts of sadness but this is really serious. You need to go to a doctor to pick up the pieces and you need to get counseling to see what you can use a teaching degree for. Right now you need medical help before you do anything elswe. Make an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow. Hope you feel more positive. Terry G.
     
  4. chicagoturtle

    chicagoturtle Fanatic

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    If you are being serious please get yourself some help! Find someone (preferably a professional) you can talk to to provide you some help and guidance---

    We can offer support here but we are sure not able to help you with something like this.

    As for advise on the job situation. A lot of teachers ARE hired in August. I am not sure of your location or what the departments are like where you are but here we have a human resources/teacher recruitment team that assists teachers searching for jobs. I was fortunate to get a job after a few interviews but I ALSO work in the middle of the inner city in a school that many people would consider undesirable to work in. I've made it work for me. Who knows something may come up unexpectedly.

    Perhaps you need to take a year off to work a job that will allow you the flexibility to take care of yourself as well so that you will be able to help the kids. It is VERY hard to help the kids when you are a mess yourself.

    Please get help if you need it!
     
  5. Msmsw

    Msmsw Rookie

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    Oh my, you sound so discouraged. We all have been at that low place at one time or another in our lives. It sounds like you really need to talk to somebody. Find a friend, priest a minister or a therapist. You need to get yourself in good shape so that you can be strong and positive for the children with whom you want to teach. It's so easy to feel discouraged and rejected when a job search isn't going well, but when you least expect it things will turn around. Don't be afraid to explore other avenues, or go through a temp service to make ends meet for awhile. I know of a lot of people who have started as subs, or after school program folks and when an opening, or maternity leave occurred they made their way in. If you are called to be a teacher, you will certainly land there when the right opportunity comes your way. Most student loans can be deferred, you should contact your loan company right away and see if you can do that. Otherwise, I don't know that they can do a whole lot to you. You may be suffering from a chemical imbalance, it sounds like you really need some help. Sometimes a Zoloft or one of those meds works wonders, when it's really needed, don't be afraid to try it. Mostly, just give it some time and don't be afraid to lean on family or friends, or to reach out for help through an agency (Catholic Charities is really good). God bless and keep you through this difficult time, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
     
  6. Bella&Freckles

    Bella&Freckles New Member

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    Jul 30, 2006

    Suicide is never the answer. Please get some help - call a mental health professional ASAP. In the meantime there are many suicide helplines you can call and talk with someone. One national number is 1-800-273-talk(8255).

    Also, contact your lenders for your student loans, often you can qualify for a reduction in your monthly payments or a deferment if you can't afford to pay them at this time. Please call then and see what your options are!!

    I hope you get some help and that things start to go better for you.

    Rebecca S.
     
  7. mrsammieb

    mrsammieb Devotee

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    I've felt like that before... I would have never done that simply because I love my children and family too much. Being rejected so many times over and over it heartwrenching. But eventually, if you stick with it, something will come your way. You can sub you can apply for long term positions, you could become a para?

    Hang in there... I promise it will be worth it!
     
  8. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Please, after you call a hotline, get back to us and let us know how you're doing.

    There is NO JOB In the world worth what you're going through. In the final analysis, it's just a job. And, as you read the posts here, you'll see that a huge number of incredibly qualified wonderful teachers are in the same boat as you are. It's not a question of "not being wanted"; more a case of not finding the right spot yet.

    Please call now. Then get back to us.

    Take care.
    Alice
     
  9. MissB

    MissB Companion

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    Please get some help- talk to anyone! It is normal to feel so sad and depressed sometimes- but if you are seriously considering suicide, you need to go to your doctor immediately. Just as Teresa stated your doctor can give you medicine to help you feel better. Please know that you CAN feel better.

    I know how it feels to be rejected and to mail out application after application and not get any calls. So many of us on here are in the same boat. Like you, I started the summer with so much optimism- it's pretty much depleted now... It's hard to go to school, put so much time, energy and money into the one thing you truly want to do, and then not get a job. I know how you feel.

    But there is nothing you can do except keep applying if possible. And try to stay above the clouds. Have plan B and be prepared to substitute.

    Please let us know how you are doing.
    Jamie
     
  10. Armadillo

    Armadillo Rookie

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    Please follow the advice above! Your health is way more important than a job! Talk to somebody who can help you. Take care and hang in there. You're just going through a rough storm right now. It'll pass, trust me!
     
  11. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    You must take this seriously, permanent record. Several teachers on these boards have talked before about dealing with their depression. I wouldn't suggest that you talk about this with just anybody. You need a medical professional now. Call a hotline immediately. Then let us know that you did. Please!
     
  12. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I found you some phone numbers: The first 2 are free. Please call NOW!

    Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE
    (1-800-784-2433)
    LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
    Depression Hotline: 630-482-9696

    Concerned people are ready to help you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All you need to do is call.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Depression and Suicide Hotline Services
    Depression Screening: Since untreated depression is a major contributor to suicide, free depression screening is offered year round to anyone. Children from age 6 and above can be screened. This has often been the first step in the process. Many clients have told SPS that being able to walk through the door, have the screening done, and get help, has been the first step in a successful journey out of depression.

    Depression Hotline: Our empathic paraprofessionals are trained to counsel callers with any personal problems, such as anxiety, alcohol, family, school, and sexuality, and are prepared to work with the lonely, the depressed, and the suicidal.

    Information and Referral: Operators provide information about the availability of social services of a health or mental health nature in Kane County, Illinois.

    1-800-SUICIDE Emergency Service: Operators are trained to help people through such emergencies as attempted suicide, drug overdose, and psychotic episodes.

    My Buddy: Volunteer operators call or visit shut-ins daily or on specific pre-arranged days to check on their well-being. Buddy Calls are provided free of charge on either a temporary or long-term basis.

    Who are SPS Hotline Operators? Our hotline volunteer paraprofessionals are concerned community members from every social, economic, and educational background. Volunteer paraprofessionals are taught about emergency procedures, telephone counseling techniques and methods of providing social service information. Lectures cover topics such as basic psychology, suicide, psychotherapeutic techniques, drugs, alcohol, rape, incest, domestic violence, and adolescent and family problems. During the training, volunteers are given an opportunity to practice being an operator through role-playing exercises, as well as on-the-line training. Credit is offered through approved colleges. Training is available throughout the year to accommodate each person's schedule and lifestyle.
     
  13. Lesley

    Lesley Habitué

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    PLease take the others advice and call a hotline, you need to talk to someone asap. I know the job search is difficult and not getting a job is depressing, but it is necessary that you speak with a professional and please come back to the board and let us know that you did and that you will get the help you need so you will lead a happy productive life. There are so many people out there that don't anything to happen to you.

    TO answer your question is suicide painless? NO it is not. There is pain, not only for the person who commits suicide, It causes pain to everyone you know and love and that pain stays with them forever, it does not go away nor does it decrease with time.
     
  14. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Don't give up hope! I graduated from college in December 2001. I until today had not found a job. Today I was offered a job FIVE hrs from home in the middle of no where. I don't even know where the people go clothes shopping. But I am going to probably accept the job get the experience and than move back south.
    Don't give up some times it just takes longer to find a job. BTW did I mention I applied to 105 positions this yr and 85or so last yr.
     
  15. JenL

    JenL Comrade

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    i hope you are feeling better today and have sought some help.
    please let us know what is going on....
     
  16. mathquest

    mathquest Rookie

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    Permanentrecord,
    Please listen to the advise of the others. Talk to someone who can help you sort out your feelings.........You haven't said what kind of teaching job you are applying for. Certain jobs are easier to land than others. Are you highly qualified? Do you have idea why the school districts are not interested in you? I know that some of my interviews went better than others. Reflect on how you answered their questions and see if you can figure out how you can improve.

    Lots of teachers are hired at the last minute. The summer is not over and the right job might be just around the corner. Please get back to us and tell us you've spoken to someone.

    I think I speak for everyone in saying that suicide is not the answer. Our lives don't always go smoothly. We all have to take the good with the bad. Don't give up. Good luck.
     
  17. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    Permanent record-

    As all the other posts have stated, what you are feeling is extreme depression. It's a very real thing. Please seek help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Most importantly, do not ever feel worthless because you can not find a job. Schools are dealing with hundreds upon hundreds of applicants. They do not know YOU! Please try not to take it as a personal rejection. You are much more than your job.

    Money matters can be worked out. Talk to your student loan company about deferring your payments. Talk to your creditors. You will survive.

    Suicide is not the answer. There is so much to live for. Think of your family.
     
  18. ChristyF

    ChristyF Moderator

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    There are always ways out. I came very close to making a very permanant decision several years ago because I didn't think there was a way out. Now, looking back I see how depressed I was. Defer your student loans. Every company that I know of will offer you 12 months of deferrment for hardship. Once that 12 months is up, defer it again if you have to. Talk to someone, don't feel overwhelmed or alone.
     
  19. falcons88

    falcons88 Rookie

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    I read the original post and I just cringe to hear these words. Suicide is not the answer. Never the answer. There is professional help out there. You have the make the choice to find it. You have to take care of yourself first before you get any job.

    You said "The thought of anyone close to me finding out how desperate and alone I feel terrifies me. I just feel like a worthless person in an inescapable situation."

    You just told us that there are people close to you. I guarantee that any one of them would help you if you gave them that chance. You are not giving those people enough credit. They will support you and they will be there for you. I know they will.

    I know people that have committed suicide and I get so angry because they never talked to anyone about it. They thought there was no way out, and they were wrong eveytime. But they never gave anyone the chance to help.

    Your post is a start, but talk to your loved ones. Talk to those that are close to you. You will not regret it.
     
  20. CanadianTeacher

    CanadianTeacher Groupie

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    I will echo everyone else here and add a few things....

    Financial troubles....it's just money and believe it or not, it ALWAYS works itself out in the long run. Speak to your creditors and let them know your situation--the worst thing you can do is avoid. I have been there.

    Job hunting after college....When starting on a new path, it's not uncommon to be excited and full of optimism, until reality sets in. That doesn't mean things won't work out, they just take some time. As someone else said, substitute teach, tutor, and even if it doesn't pay, volunteer in the school as you wait for those calls---it can be important networking that could get you a paying job in the schools.

    Not wanting people close to you to find out how desperate you are....Everyone goes through times like this at one time or another. Don't be embarrassed about it. Let the people close to you help you and don't shut them out. Humility is an important quality to have.

    Keep it all in perspective....deal with one thing at a time so you don't get too overwhelmed. Keep your eyes open for those small opportunities. All your problems won't be solved overnight, but if you are aware of what is happening around you, small opportunities may present themselves to offer some relief. Take them.

    This may sound strange, but try to help someone worse off than you. It can bring things into perspective.

    Finally, you sound like you are at a point of difficult return--there is no such thing as a point of NO return :)) There is no shame in talking to a professional. Sometimes we need it just to get us through a hump. Please go and see someone. Life is too beautiful and believe me, I know from experience that there is ALWAYS a positive. One day you will look back and realize that what you are going through now, has lead you to the wonderful place you will be sometime in the future. Don't deprive yourself of that experience with suicide and don't put the people you love through that kind of pain. These tough times will make you a stronger person. Do keep in touch. :love:
     
  21. Maithal

    Maithal Cohort

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    Hi permanentrecord

    I hope you are okay and that you get the help you need if you are thinking of committing suicide. That is definitely a red flag for serious problems and you need to seek professional help like others say. I hope you are okay. I am in the same boat, job hunting and such, but committing suicide or thinking of it for that matter is DEFINITELY not the answer. I have been searching for now 3 years b/c each year I haven't found a job that I felt comfortable yet. Hang in there and please take EVERYONE'S Advice about getting professional help immediately. It can make matters better in the long run (believe me I know that!).
     
  22. oldsoccerlady

    oldsoccerlady Rookie

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    permanentrecord

    We would all like to hear from you again. You are not alone in your struggles and we will listen. Please write again and let us know if you have found some help for your depression. We are thinking about you and await your next post.
     
  23. Mable

    Mable Enthusiast

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    permanentrecord- we all care about your well being and hope you reach out and talk with someone about how you are feeling. Yes, I've felt down many times in my life and often have thought that dying would be the answer- it is not. There is always hope around the corner- I promise. Unfortunately, life is not all it's cracked up to be- believe me. Your pain is real and you are worth something. We hit times in our lives where everything seems pointless but maybe that means it's time to shake things up a bit. If what you're doing is not working and you're not getting any interviews- it's time to look at it with a new perspective. If you're young without children, there are programs out there you can get a job through. I would say right now, it's time to seek help with a professional that can help you work through your feelings and perhaps help you see life in a new, positive perspective. Believe me- it's worth a try. Please let us know how you are.
     
  24. Msmsw

    Msmsw Rookie

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    One more thing..

    Please let us know that you are doing okay!

    I also wanted to add that working as a volunteer or even teaching Sunday School, or Vacation Bible School, or anything like that provides valuable experience, as well as additional resume items and potential contacts.

    I hope that you are doing much better. The best is yet to come!:love:
     
  25. Suburban Gal

    Suburban Gal (formerly Elizabeth) Banned

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    I'm glad to see you mention that because I thought of going that route prior to being offered my TA job as a way to build experience and put down points of contact. Yes, you don't get paid for volunteer work, but, as you said, it's valuable nonetheless and a terrific way for some people to get started.
     
  26. JustWondering

    JustWondering Companion

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    You should follow the advice of all the others and seek professional help. Secondly get around those who love you. You don't have to tell them all of your worries and hurts but start getting out of the alone routine and gradually you will feel better. I know it sounds cheesy but the better attitude you can have the better things will get. The more you convince yourself of those hard to escape thoughts the worse things will get. The best way to overcome those behaviors is with help. Call your favorite person at the very least and let them know you are down and arrange to go somewhere even if its just the park. The sun often chases bad thoughts away even if it is just for a little while. I hope you can find the good things worth sticking around for.
     
  27. Sub2Teach

    Sub2Teach Companion

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    Permanent Record,

    I can understand you feeling frustrated and sad about not finding a job after going through college, but like the others said on here, suicide is not the answer. Please take their advice and seek professional help. The right job will come around when its right for you. If you don't find a full-time teaching job, you can always sub or perhaps try becoming an aide. I graduated three years ago and sent out literally hundreds of resumes, applications and haven't found a job, but i've subbed,which has provided me with experience in teaching. LIke someone else said on here, your health is more important than any job. Take care of you first, the job will then fall into place and let others who want to help you in. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Hope your able to get the help you need soon. Let us know how you are doing.
     
  28. Aug 3, 2006

    Thank you to everyone who has responded. The advice really gave me a lot to think about. I didn't think about the fact that I'm afraid to let people find out about my situation because there are people who care about me. Shame and fear are tough to battle, but I realize that I'm not completely alone and that my actions do and will affect those around me.

    Reading all of your responses again has left me sitting in front of my computer, teary eyed. I am touched that so many of you chose to share your own fears and encouragement. Reading my own desperate words in the first post, I feel sad and surprised that I finally committed my terrible feelings and dark clouds to paper--or something like it. Finally, I remember the first night I spent in my dorm at college. I was relieved to be away from home for the first time, but I spent the night in tears. However, college won out in the end, and my parents had a difficult time getting me to come visit often enough.

    Thank you all for everything. Perhaps this is just another "first night in the dorm" thing for me. The pressure of graduation and moving on with my life just became too great for me to handle. I'm not in any immediate harm, and hopefully I can sort out what's troubling me and put the pieces of my life back together. Thank you again.
     
  29. Armadillo

    Armadillo Rookie

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    Thank you very much for getting back with us, Permanentrecord. It's good to hear you're feeling better.

    It's tough and definitely scary sometimes when job hunting, but in reading this forum you can see that many of us are going through the same thing. You're not alone out there. Keep your hopes up and stay positive. Things will work out. They will!
     
  30. MissFrizzle

    MissFrizzle Virtuoso

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    So happy that you are feeling better. Hang in there and things will get better.:)
     
  31. Lesley

    Lesley Habitué

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    So glad to hear from you and to hear you are managing to pick up the pieces and enjoy life, one day at a time. Thank you for posting that you are working through your difficult time.
     
  32. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    I am so glad you are feeling better! Hey if you just graduated don't feel to bad. I am 30 years old and have been living with my parents or bf's parents for the last six years! I did live in WA for two yrs with an ex, than I didn't have the money after I left him to live on my own. And I haven't been able to find a teaching job until this year. So just remember your not the only one out there that has or had trouble finding a job!
    You will find one it may just take longer. Don't limit yourself to your area. Look as far as your cert. will take you. I looked in three states but focused on the state I am in. Yes I am now moving 4 hrs away from my family. But it is a job and I'll be able to come back eventually.
    Lots of positive thoughts you will get some thing quickly!
     
  33. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I'm glad you're feeling better.

    Remember, final analysis: it's only a job. It's not who you are, it's what you're planning to do.
     
  34. UCF2006

    UCF2006 New Member

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    It took me a long time to get a job, too!

    I just graduated in May of 2006. Right after that, I moved to a new state. While I was all set to be certified in my old state, my new state required different tests. I applied to a million jobs, hardly ever even hearing back something as simple as "thanks for your interest." I had one interview, and that person didn't even call me back to let me know that I wasn't the right person for the position! Finally, just this week, I got a job! It happens! It's nerve-wracking and I would cry thinking I would never get a job. Even took a part-time job in God-foresaken retail (ok so I quit after a week). But you do what you have to do. Worst case, substitute teach. It'll all work out.
     
  35. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    I'm VERY CONCERNED about Permanentrecord. These where the ONLY 2 posts written by this person. Clearly in pain and reaching out for help but there is little we can do other than offer phone numbers, support, good advice. There is NO information on public profile that would help a concerned person reach out and help get resources to PR. PR, if you are out there please please call a professional who can help you. You may be feeling better now that you have poured your feelings out in this post but we remain concerned. There is help out there for you. Please get it.
     
  36. Texas Gal

    Texas Gal Companion

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    Aug 3, 2006

    Alice - I LOVE THAT! "it's only a job. It's not who you are, it's what you're planning to do." That is so awesome. We see so many teachers who let this define them. That made my day (and it just started :) ) Thanks.

    Permanentrecord - Keep your head high. Just think - when you do get that job, this will be such a HUGE deal! Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, GOT IT! It will be so worth it. Hang in there! Hugs to you ~
     
  37. teresaglass

    teresaglass Groupie

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    Permanent record,

    You might want to try subbing with Kelly Services. They have a division called Kelly Educational Staffing. They will send you to both public and private schools and they will train you. If you have your heart set on teaching you may have to sub for now but it will pay off and keep the money coming in while you look. You can go on the Kelly Services website to find the nearest office in your area or just contact the local Kelly Services branch in your city. When you are not subbing for them you can do temp work on your vacations. In the mean time take care of the depression. Good luck and let us know what happens. Terry G.
     
  38. CanadianTeacher

    CanadianTeacher Groupie

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    Glad to hear back from you, permanentrecord. I agree with the person who said: "It's only a job" Yes, many consider it a calling, and that's fine, but your job is not your life, or should not be, so don't ever let it eat up that much of you. Life on your own for the first time can be scary. Feel the feeling and then attack it. Instead of letting it make you crash, make it into a tool for survival. Good luck and try to talk to someone anyway--don't wait for those feelings to come back.
     
  39. Daisha

    Daisha Companion

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    Aug 3, 2006

    I'm glad that you are feeling better. Just a suggestion, but you could go into the Peacecorp or something like that. They do want you as a teacher. I was just thinking about doing it at some point in my life and wanted to share that option with you. I don't know just my advice. But, I'm glad that you are doing better. Daisha:)
     
  40. Channe24

    Channe24 New Member

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    Aug 3, 2006

    I am right there with you! I know you are not seriously contemplating suicide, but I do relate to the sleepless nights and uncontrollable crying. I have spent the last several years working in the restaurant industry. I have worked everyday, dying for the day I have my degree and can get a teaching job. I was so excited at the beginning of the summer. I thought I had a job at where I student taught in the bag, if I wanted it. The principal was not fond of me, apparently. I was even offered a horrible job at a bad school. I turned it down thinking, "This is just the first of many offers, how could a school not want to hire me."

    Well, its almost time for school to start and I am freaking out. I have visited over 20 schools, pretty much, begging for a job! I have had 3 interviews total for the summer.

    I am about to be stuck for another year working in restaurants. Everyone tells me that I could substitute or tutor in a district to get my foot in the door. Unfortunately, I can't afford to do this. I need to teach!

    No one understands how horrible I feel now that I can't get a job teaching. Too many people have let me know..."schools are always in need of good teachers..." I am so sick of that statement. I might have to scream the next time I hear it.

    All I am saying is, I understand...
     
  41. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Aug 3, 2006

    Channe24, those platitudes can get really annoying, can't they? The weird thing is, when things are going well, we all think they will continue going well. When things are bad, we think that will never end. The truth is that neither one of those is reality. Just because you haven't had an offer yet doesn't mean you won't get one for this year. However, subbing for a while is a good way to practice your skills and make some money.

    I just want to point out that depression does not cure itself. It usually doesn't 'run its course' or fade away. Permanentrecords, you should be prepared for feeling desperate again. That is why I think you still need a professional to look out for you. People who are in a depression are the least able to diagnose themselves and treat themselves.

    I'm glad that you found solace here, at any rate.
     

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