Stepson Vent

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Marci07, Mar 6, 2011.

  1. Marci07

    Marci07 Devotee

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    Mar 6, 2011

    Warning, this is a vent...

    I'm trying with all my heart to understand that my DH tries to compesate for the lack of time he is allowed to spend with 9-year-old-son by spoiling him as much he can when he visit us. The problem is that I can't stand to sit there and watch my DH be a servant for my stepson who is demanding and demanding and DH can't say no to him.

    I try to stay out of it as much as I can but I can't stand it. I'm the one who ends up setting limits and then stepson hates me. This morning for example, DH was happily making pancakes (stepson's favorites) for breakfast but stepson didn't want to eat them because he had them yesterday at his mom's house. So, DH was nervously looking for something in the fridge to try to feed him after all the pancakes were done. I firmly told stepson that that's what we got and that was what he was going to eat. I asked him if at his mom he ever repeated a meal the next day, he said yes but not pancakes.

    It's getting to the poing that I dread the time when he comes over and I'm seriously believing that the increase of my headaches have to do with the stress about this situation.

    I know, I know, I should have known before getting married...but I didn't know it was going to be this bad.

    I'm starting to think that just the way I was able to raise my daughter as a single mom for over 7 years, my DH has the right to do parenting his way but I just can't be around!! I seriously don't think my marriage will last longer as I foresee my stepson turning into a teen and things getting much worse!!!! :dizzy::dizzy::dizzy:
     
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  3. Dynamite Boys

    Dynamite Boys Companion

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    Mar 6, 2011

    I truly believe being a stepparent is the hardest job in the entire world. I've been a stepparent to a now 14 year old girl and 17 year old boy for eleven years. We have them at our house every other week - and those weeks can be some of the most trying. HOWEVER, once I talked with my husband about my behavior expectations, my love for the kids and him and the need to create responsible adults, things at our house really changed. We talked a lot about how, even though kids may fight the change, the really crave structure. I went from being the only one who said "no" to have support from him. The kids were not nice at first, they were ticked off to not have dad give in to their every whine. However, it made a HUGE difference. It's still not a perfectly running situation, but at least my husband and I are on the same page! You need to approach your husband and have a chat. Let him know that you can't continue the way things are, but first and foremost you love him AND you love your stepson. Then you can talk about the support and changes that need to happen. Trust me - in the long run, your stepson will appreciate the structure!
     
  4. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Mar 6, 2011

    That really stinks and it happens a lot. I think maybe you should talk to your husband about going to a family counselor.
     
  5. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

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    Mar 6, 2011

    I agree. If you love your husband and things are good when the stepson isn't around, then you need professional help on how to blend your family. If your husband values his marriage he will agree. Good luck!
     
  6. Blue

    Blue Aficionado

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    Mar 6, 2011

    I find the STEP program (if it still exists) to be helpful for parenting. It is easy to read and apply.
     
  7. Marci07

    Marci07 Devotee

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    Mar 7, 2011

    Thank you for the advice. We talked about counseling before and I think we really need to seriously go this time.
     
  8. mmswm

    mmswm Moderator

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    Mar 7, 2011

    I agree with every single word of this post. A parent's job is to raise healthy, happy adults. Spoiling kids and caving to their every whim is NOT the way to do that.
     
  9. TiffanyL

    TiffanyL Cohort

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    Mar 7, 2011

    Marci, oh Marci, I feel your pain. It is SO difficult to be a stepparent, even when you are well intentioned. Your statement regarding your husband trying to make up for lost time is spot on.

    At my home, we endure many of the same things that you've described. One time, my 9 year old daughter wanted doughnuts from the doughnut store for breakfast. She stated, "I think daddy will agree because K**** is here this weekend." :blush:

    One thing that has helped us (and trust me, we have some great weekends with dss and some not so great weekends) is to discuss the comfort levels BEFORE he comes. Having a good discussion about expectations really helps us.

    Another thing that has helped us is to talk to my husband a LOT about how he may feel that he is strengthening HIS relationship with his son but, at the same time, he is alienating and preventing the rest of us from forming deep, lasting bonds with him due to the resentment that forms when he "spoils" him only or treats him differently than the rest. This has helped my husband to understand that the BEST thing for his son is for ALL of us in the family to want him around, want him to be a part of our lives....not just HIM.

    We have been together for almost 13 years and we still struggle...its hard....but its gotten better through LOTS of communication. Hang in there and attempt to have these conversations when your step-child is not around, rather than the heat of the moment.
     

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