So.....not sure what to do next.

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by wldywall, May 28, 2015.

  1. wldywall

    wldywall Connoisseur

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    May 28, 2015

    So my husband and I have decided to divorce. Its mutual, though he is now saying I am pushing it. (He asked for one nearly weekly for a year....)

    For those who have been there done that after a long marriage....how do you do it alone? It's an amicable divorce so no worries on that front, but I am overwhelmed with the thought of doing every thing alone for the first time in my life.

    Thanks.
     
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  3. K1teach

    K1teach Companion

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    May 28, 2015

    No advice, but I am sending you hugs!
     
  4. mathmagic

    mathmagic Enthusiast

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    So sorry :( Do you have a core group of close friends or family members?
     
  5. wldywall

    wldywall Connoisseur

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    Yeah I do, and they are great....but none of them have been divorced...hence adding you lovely people to the advice pool. You all haven't steered me wrong yet. :D
     
  6. Missy

    Missy Aficionado

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    May 28, 2015

    I am not divorced, but have seen many.

    Get a good lawyer.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Don't involve the kids.
    Don't make any huge changes that you don't have to, for awhile.
    Make social plans.
    Set up systems to keep track of things like bills, car and home repairs.
    Accept help; when people offer assistance, call them for it when you need someone.

    Good luck.
     
  7. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    May 28, 2015

    Have faith that you are stronger than you think. With everything you went through last year to get a job, you can handle this new curveball!
     
  8. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Agree with Missy... Get lawyer.
    Hugs!! Even though you both agree to it still tough!!!
     
  9. scholarteacher

    scholarteacher Connoisseur

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    May 29, 2015

    I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex left me after 26 years. In NC, if you don't have a settlement in place before the divorce is final, you can't ever get one. My lawyer turned out to be a crook who was forging my name on everything, and, even though the divorce was totally my ex's doing, I now get no alimony. Make sure everything is in place before it's final. Check your state laws and make sure your attorney is on the up and up. Prayers for you, dear.
     
  10. bandnerdtx

    bandnerdtx Aficionado

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    May 29, 2015

    First of all, I'm so sorry... even when it's mutually agreed upon, it's still painful and scary. There are tons of support groups online specifically aimed at people who divorce "in the not so golden" years. Seek them out.

    Secondly, even if it's all aimicable now, get a lawyer immediately. That doesn't mean you have to file immediately... if you want a trial seperation first, do that, but you need to start getting your legal ducks in a row. Do some research before you pick someone, and if you don't like them at the first meeting, go somewhere else if you can. Divorce is expensive, even when everyone plays nicely and there is little to no property, etc.

    Realize that you are going to go through the grief process... it's the death of your marriage. Be patient with yourself, and if you can, see a professional and get some help. You've got a lot of healing to do.

    :hugs:
     
  11. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    May 29, 2015

    Hugs. Whether you want a divorce or not, it is a major loss when it happens. I've not been divorced, but widowed, and loss of a spouse will throw you for a loop. I don't feel like I had family who understood, though they were caring. I hope you can find at least one person who has gone through what you are going through.
    I agree with others that you need to protect yourself because of the legal aspect. The less contentious the proceedings, the better, of course, but legal help will inform you about details you might not have considered.
    I would say that you need to respect your own feelings and be good to yourself.
     
  12. wldywall

    wldywall Connoisseur

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    Due to financial concerns, we will be doing without lawyers for now. We have no assets to split. Just a car that I pay for but got put into his name due to credit scores. We own no house and our retirement funds are tied to his name due to how they were constructed by former employers, they cannot be split to me (government pensions.....from a sheriffs department...tricky stuff that). What I am entitled to, from the Army I would get without him anyway. So that is all good.

    If there becomes a need down the road I will get a lawyer, I just don't want to spend thousands for nothing.

    My kids are all adults and living on their own, its just me now, and even though I have done it all myself since moving to his town, its weird to realize I am ALL BY MYSELF.

    Weird, for the first time in my life and after 24 years of marriage, I am on my own.

    Gunna take some getting used to I think.......
     
  13. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    I've been down that road too, and it is very scary. Our divorce was very amicable; however, the two years since has not been. Luckily I had a great divorce lawyer who I can contact whenever the need arises and get free advice which has helped me out in a few situations. If you ever need someone to vent to, I'm here for you!

    And you are much stronger than you realize!
     
  14. ChristyF

    ChristyF Moderator

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    :hugs: here's to a whole new chapter in your life. I hope that it's an exciting one for you in time. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
     
  15. comaba

    comaba Cohort

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    While you wouldn't get an immediate payout from those pensions, you are most likely able to receive a share of the pensions when your husband retires. Get that in the court order. Also, if he paid into Social Security, you can qualify under his work record if you don't remarry. It doesn't affect his benefit at all. So, when you're ready to retire, check his SS against yours, and file under the better benefit.
     
  16. wldywall

    wldywall Connoisseur

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    I'm already working on the military one, which it turns out he may not qualify for.......as for the ss, I don't need to claim that in the divorce do I?
     
  17. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    No. I just got my first ss payment this month. I got far more under my deceased husband's account than my own. They actually take the initiative to compare your payouts both ways when they talk to you in a phone interview.
     
  18. wldywall

    wldywall Connoisseur

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    I don't want to be the jerk here....and take everything, I just want to be done. Everyone says I'll be sorry.......I just can't see how. I have a solid plan in place to grant me financial freedom to recreate a retirement be fall, and own my own home free and clear on two years. (There are advantages to Detroit). I don't need him.
     
  19. comaba

    comaba Cohort

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    Were you contributing to a pension or retirement account during those 24 years? If so, he'll get part of yours and you'll get part of his, so to speak. Realistically, whoever has the greater assets in retirement will supplement the other if either of you asks for it.

    As for taking everything, marriage is a partnership. Both of your incomes and assets are marital property. It's not that you (or he) is 'taking' anything. You're just splitting the marital assets; and retirement accounts and pensions are marital assets. These are things you acquired as a couple, not individuals.

    Also, plans change, sometimes for the worse. If everything works out the way you've planned, and you end up financially stable at retirement, you can always gift the payments back to him. Or save it for your kids.
     
  20. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Jun 2, 2015

    wldywall~The one thing that my attorney did for me was make sure that I got half of my ex-husband's retirement, but he does not get any of my retirement. To protect yourself, it might be worth getting a free consultation.
     
  21. creativemonster

    creativemonster Comrade

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    Jun 4, 2015

    Hugs.
     
  22. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs!
     

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