So Angry ... Infidelity

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by ku_alum, Dec 27, 2011.

  1. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Dec 28, 2011

    I guess I just accept that I will of course be judged.
     
  2. Cerek

    Cerek Aficionado

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    Dec 29, 2011

    Matthew 7:1-3 (KJV)
    Judge not, that ye be not judged.

    For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

    And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?


    Verse 2 tells us we will be judged by the same measure with which we judge others. As I said before, I am perfectly fine with that. I have no problem being judged myself by the same measure.

    Verse 3 reminds us to recognize and confess our own sins before judging the actions of others. I do this as well. I don't deny the sins I commit. I confess, repent and prayer for forgiveness of those sins.

    The Bible does warn against being more concerned (or obsessed) with the sins of others rather than our own. That is the attitude Matthew is talking about. The Bible also tells us, though, that when we see a fellow Christian doing something wrong, we should speak to them (in private) and try to guide them away from the sin they are committing.

    As for judging others, every person here makes judgments about others every day. We see it in threads about other teachers actions or events in our personal lives almost daily. As JustMe said, having sound judgment is a good thing.

    I agree it is the couple's responsibility to work on their relationship, but if my friend is cheating on his/her spouse, then it is my responsibility to let them know what they are doing is wrong - especially if they think I want to hear the "juicy details" of their affair. I don't feel this way only because of my own experience. I felt JUST as strongly about infidelity BEFORE that happened. I have never approved of it and never will. And I can say with 100% certainty I would NOT cheat, because I had the opportunity to do so and chose to decline the advances being made.

    Of course, we all view and handle situations differently. That doesn't make one person right and the other wrong, it just makes both of them different. My mom had a coworker that was a pillar in her church and community that had a torrid affair with a married man. During the affair, she did a lot of things at work that could have (and should have) gotten her fired, but she was allowed to stay on for some reason. Despite all of that, my mom still talks to her occasionally (usually through FB) and never mentions all the things that happened in the past, even though she feels just as strongly on the subject as I do. I love my mother deeply, but if my roommate (or any other good friend) did that, our friendship would likely be over because I would never be able to tolerate their behavior and I certainly would not ignore it or act like it was alright. That's just me.

    However, I do temper that attitude, depending on the circumstances. My uncle's second wife was cheated on him. Not only did she cheat on him, she cleaned his house and bank account out while he was gone on a hunting trip. When he came back, everything was gone. :eek: A few months later, I saw my "former aunt" in a local fast-food place with her lover. To beat it all, she actually called me over to their table to introduce him to me. I was stunned. My first reaction was to shake his hand and say "Ah...so YOU'RE the guy she was sleeping with while she was still married to my uncle." But I realized the awkward situation wasn't his fault (well, part of it was since I'm sure he knew she was married when they began sleeping together). So I chose NOT to ambush and embarrass him in public. I'm sure he felt awkward enough over the situation already.
     
  3. McKennaL

    McKennaL Groupie

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    Dec 29, 2011

    I can relate to a lot of your story through my own divorce.

    My advice - short and sweet... be there for the mom (even though she is not your "blood"..and even MORE so since she isn't).

    Unfortunately, through divorce, the person being left not only loses their spouse - but so many other people (and THEIR support). It is just devistating that -through no fault of your own- your children and you lose so many people who you THOUGHT were your friends AND FAMILY. The leaving spouse will tell a LOT of stories to prevent THEIR side from looking too bad...and the children and the "left" spouse pay the costs.

    Also... PROTECT the mental/emotional state of the children by CALLING OUT the relative/"leaving spouse" when they are not acting in the benefit of the child. What hurt SO much, was not that people stopped being MY friend (though that - after SO many years - really stung), but that they stood idly by while my former spouse made my kids forcefully accept and play a part in his new behavior. NO! After breaking up their home, children do NOT want to immediately be your "best man" and hand you the ring to marry the other person who broke you and their mom up! (And he has since done this TWICE!!)

    That (formerly beloved) people (who you came to the rescue for and supported for YEARS) stood there and shrugged off his behavior (or that the child might be dying inside participating in these shananigans)...I am STILL speechless!!
     
  4. Cerek

    Cerek Aficionado

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    Dec 29, 2011

    I agree completely, McKenna. I'm terribly sorry for the trials you, and especially, your children have faced.

    My ex started having her new b/f stop the house almost immediately. She even left the two older boys with HIM one morning while she took the younger one to the baby sitter. After that relationship finally ended, she has brought other boyfriends around the boys and even taken them out on "family dates" with different b/f's over the years. There is nothing I can do about her behavior, but I can control mine.

    In the 5 years we've been divorced, I've never had a date when the boys were with me. I always schedule my dates for days when the boys aren't with me. If I ever get into a serious relationship again, then it will be time for them to meet her. Until then, I keep my dating separate from my time with the boys.
     
  5. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Dec 29, 2011

    My family has rallied around the wife (even though it is the husband that is family). The wife was afraid this Christmas would be the last time she saw any of us (ever) and we all assured her that was not the case. With email and Facebook, everyone plans to stay in touch and support her. We will work through how to handle holidays when we get to them. Though we have already agreed that it will be a long, long time before the other woman is ever considered family, if ever.
     
  6. Joyful!

    Joyful! Habitué

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    Dec 29, 2011


    ku_alum,

    So sorry for the circumstance being what it is. (Of course, I knew that from other posts you would be a person who would support the wife and child.)

    Sometimes a member of our family will exhibit behavior that befuddles us. (How could they have been raised the way we were and have done THAT?!!) It does make you angry. It does affect so much of your lives (holidays, get togethers, children). As time goes on, you will find what I like to call the "new normal", and whatever that looks like, I know you will still be including the wife and child who were abandoned. People do tend to give or take custody of certain friends. Unfortunately, we as a family need to make room for everyone. We have to keep including the wronged spouse, as well as the cheater because both are a part of our family.(If the cheater is uncomfortable, they need to remember that they chose to have things be that way.) It takes time. However, because the child is young, you don't have much time to get it all together, so I encourage you in your efforts to wrap that little one in love and support that is constant to protect him/her against the upcoming upheaval.

    Cheating is easy. Repercussions are hard. Forgiveness is REALLY difficult. Going back to days gone by...impossible. I wish you and your family peace as you make adjustments to the one who created this mess.

    Just Me and stephenpe and Cerek,

    As to the judgment thing, you can make an observation, you can make an assessment without being judgmental per se. Cheating is wrong on a test, is it not? Cheating on a test does not have mitigating circumstances that make it acceptable. You love the student, you call him/her out on the behavior. The same is true for me in marriage. You love your friend who is cheating on her spouse. You call them out on their destructive behavior in hopes of saving them from certain heartbreak. You offer your support and love for them as people, but not support for their wrong doing. Cheating is not right. I have a lifelong friend with whom I have done this. She knew where I stood on the cheating issue, and we had many a discussion on the topic. However, she knew where I stood on our friendship. She is still a dear friend. Was I disappointed in her choice? Yup. Was I standing in moral purity above her, reprimanding her? Nope. Just reminded her of what her commitment was when I had to where the horrible purple dress as she made the commitment. (Maybe ugly brides maid dresses are a sure sign of marital doom.:haha:)

    I always find the conversations here to be interesting, and you all are providing different perspectives. I appreciate being allowed to read your thoughts and to share my own.

    Happy New Year to all of the children who find themselves in a broken home. May they have happiness and peace and wise adults who can help stabilize the chaos and heartbreak.
     
  7. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Dec 29, 2011

    I agree with you, it is like moral blackmail "because you do that, I you can't judge me"
    "Judge not, that ye be not judged." is for me as a person who could be judging , not a get out of (moral) jail free for the person being judged

    [​IMG]
     
  8. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Dec 29, 2011

    Infidelity definitely hurts more than just the one being cheated on. I am so happy that DH and I have a strong, committed relationship, and I completely trust him. This takes work though. I know there are marriages out there that just aren't as strong. DH and I go to marriage meetings at our church every other Saturday and I feel it has helped us to really recognize and actively work on maintaining a healthy marriage. Marriage takes a lot of work, and many marriages fail. Dishonesty and betrayal is always hurtful no matter where one finds it.
     
  9. Cerek

    Cerek Aficionado

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    Dec 29, 2011

    Thanks, Joyful. I thought about that explanation myself last night, but was too tired to post it, but you said it far better than I.

    In my mind, it is not a moral judgment to say that cheating on your spouse is wrong. Cheating IS wrong, whether it's on a test or with another person.

    I also don't judge from a standpoint of moral purity. I freely admit my own sins and faults. And the judgment is meant to condemn, but to (hopefully) correct or redirect the behavior or event in question.

    The issue with my roommate was something many people would probably not consider "wrong" or my consider to be a personal choice. When I told him my feelings, it was with the understanding that it the behavior WAS his choice. We would still be friends, regardless of his decision, but I would never approve of that particular choice.
     
  10. teacher333

    teacher333 Devotee

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    Dec 30, 2011

    Guys...what's their story?? And most guys will only move on if they already have someone else lined up...what is that all about?? We are like mother extenders...
     
  11. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Dec 31, 2011

    !!!! as if woman never do !!!!!!!
     
  12. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Dec 31, 2011

    Not "most guys" I know. This whole thing is a foreign concept to the men who have been important in my life.

    I think that each of us makes choices. And that actions have consequences. If someone's actions show him or her to be a person whose values don't allign with mine, then I'm OK with ending the friendship.

    The exhusband of a good friend is now on the Sexual Offenders list. Yes, we once were great friends. Call me judgemental if you want, but his values and ours no longer allign. He's not someone I would now choose to call my friend. The end of our friendship is a direct result of his choices.

    I hope he can rebuild his life. We simply choose to no longer be part of it.
     
  13. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Dec 31, 2011

    That's not how I've raised my sons...and it's not typical of ANY men in my life.
     

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