I'm not working at the youth center anymore. I've got a better teaching job, and I should be doing okay, but, in some ways, the same thing is happening. I now have a whole class of middle school students to look after, and I'm not doing as well as my coworkers at all. I feel like I have no idea how to do this job, and I think I'm bringing almost nothing to the table. I have an idea of what I want to be, and I'm embarrassed, upset, and frustrated that I can't turn my classroom into Ron Clark Academy. I feel like I've lost any rapport I've had with my students by making and breaking promises, being too disorganized to function properly, assigning work that they haven't been trained to do, and allowing the kids who want a little extra attention rule the classroom. I'm failing as an educator, even though I've asked for help. I can't keep up with the suggestions other people have given me, and it probably looks like I don't even care. I do care, though, but I'm so upset that I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't think I'm helping the kids at all. Why is it like this? Why didn't teacher education prepare me for the job I wanted? Why can't I do this job effectively? It's almost Christmas, and I still feel lost and confused. I still feel like my students would rather be anywhere but in my classroom, while laughter and fun fill the halls next to me. I know my students expect more. I think they're disappointed in me, and if I can't get them on my side, what can I do? I think the most frustrating part is I don't have a friend in my department who will share her lesson plans with me. I also don't really have anyone in education to go to when I don't understand something, and it seems like I'm still making the same dumb mistakes. I'm no longer struggling as a teacher against impossible odds at an inner-city school; I'm just a new educator failing at a relatively good school where my coworkers send their own children. This is humiliating at least. Why am I doing such a terrible job? I'm to blame this time, no one but me.