School Cliques

Discussion in 'Elementary Education' started by shayrenae8, Sep 5, 2017.

  1. shayrenae8

    shayrenae8 Guest

    Sep 5, 2017

    Hello, I know that this is something that shouldn't affect my teaching, but it does. There is a group of teachers who I thought I was considered "close" to. I sat at them during specific things, they invited me specific places, etc. However, as of recently, I am hearing that they are hanging out outside of school and I am not invited sometimes. Sometimes, they will invite me. However, there are instances where I am not invited and they talk about it. They have long group message threads that I know, and I am not included in on them. I truly am feeling left out. What is your advice? Why would they only invite me to some things, but not all? Thoughts? I hate to worry about things like this, but I just feel left out and it hurts.
     
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  3. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

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    Sep 5, 2017

    I have no advice. From being in education for the last 12 years, though, I can honestly say that this sort of behavior starts to happen in kindergarten: girls intentionally alienating each other, being unkind, mean girl syndrome. It's unfortunate that it continues into adulthood.
     
  4. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Virtuoso

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    I have a decently-sized circle of work friends. Sometimes we all go out together. Other times we don't. Sometimes things are planned. Other times they are spur of the moment. I got married last summer, so I don't get invited as many places as I used to. Sometimes the people with kids go out together. Other times it's all the single people. Sometimes a large group. Other times just a small group. Some people we never see outside of school functions, and others socialize outside of school all the time. It's really nothing personal.

    Maybe it's just a difference in personality types, too. I don't expect my friends . . . school or otherwise . . . to include me in everything they do. They can socialize with other groups without me. I don't mind at all. However, I have a longtime friend who feels slighted anytime she isn't included in something. She's just like that.
     
  5. AlwaysAttend

    AlwaysAttend Fanatic

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    I would tell you to let it go. What would your advice to a student be? An awkward forced play date? Expand your own circle and include others being left out. Invite someone sitting off by themselves at lunch to join you.
     
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  6. Milsey

    Milsey Habitué

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    Sep 6, 2017

    Yes, it's hurtful when your "team" goes to DD without you or orders something from a restaurant and I'm not included. I confronted them about it, and the one actually had the gall to say "oh we thought you brought your lunch with you today."
     
  7. AlwaysAttend

    AlwaysAttend Fanatic

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    Was she wrong about your lunch?
     
  8. DAH

    DAH Companion

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    Sep 6, 2017

    [QUOTE="shayrenae8, Why would they only invite me to some things, but not all?[/QUOTE]

    For some reason, you may not fit, Shayrenae, and you're going to have to get over it, Sugar Plum. We don't know why they aren't inviting you, unless you ask, which I wouldn't recommend that you do, because they probably won't tell you the truth.

    Let it go. If you need to cry, cry; then go wash your face. BTW, crying releases a lot of emotions that otherwise may stay bottled-up inside. It's very healthy to cry. Then, look for people who have no friends or have a hard time making them, and befriend them.
    But don't turn against the other girls; leave your door open and the welcome mat out.:)
     
  9. AlwaysAttend

    AlwaysAttend Fanatic

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    Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll trip over the mat and hurt themselves.

    DAH, this is how you quote. Don't delete anything between the brackets
     
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  10. DAH

    DAH Companion

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    :rofl:
    Now, that's not nice, Always..:toofunny:
     
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  11. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    I don't really think that this is fair. First, it comes across as sexist, which I'm sure you don't mean. Please don't think that boys and men do not also intentionally exclude. Second, I don't think that anyone ever has an obligation to include someone in all their personal activities. I further think that it is incredibly rude for anyone to expect an invitation to every event in a person's private life.

    Some of my friends are not well suited to some of the activities I enjoy doing. Even if we normally hang out in a group, I may not invite Person X to the movies with me or with the group because Person X talks out loud throughout the whole thing. Maybe I don't include Person B in group chats because Person B blows up everybody's phone all the time with six hundred texts in a row or because she might share what we're saying in the group chat with others.

    I love my BFF and we do almost everything together. Not long ago she went and got a tattoo with her other close friend, someone that I don't enjoy hanging out with. I admit that this hurt my feelings a little bit. I mean, why did she go get a tattoo with that other person? Why didn't she get one with me? And then I remembered that I don't even want a tattoo. So there's that. My feelings about that situation are rooted entirely in jealousy, which is a me thing, not a her thing.

    My advice to the OP in this situation is to continue enjoy spending time with your colleagues as long as you enjoy it. Make an effort to make a few more friends, too, so that you can do stuff with them. I can all but guarantee that you won't feel as left out with the bunch at school if you're busy having fun with other people. It's the friendship equivalent of "The best way to get over an old boyfriend is to get under a new one." :sunglasses::sunglasses::sunglasses:
     
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  12. DAH

    DAH Companion

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    Sep 7, 2017

    [QUOTE="YoungTeacherGuy,... alienating each other, being unkind, mean girl syndrome. It's unfortunate that it continues into adulthood.[/QUOTE]


    You're absolutely right, TeacherGuy. Sexist statement or not, it's the truth! In fact, it starts earlier than that, and I don't know why; it would take a psychologist to figure it all out.
    But suffice it to say, we are not ALL that way...:innocent: (thank God).
     
  13. DAH

    DAH Companion

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    Okay, I'm working on it. It worked once on another thread. I'm a slow learner.
    Thanks
     
  14. Mshope2012

    Mshope2012 Companion

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    It's not easy! My district is very clique-ish. When I was new, I was tight with other new teachers. Now, I'm in another group. I do have two best friends within the group whom I talk to multiple times a day. Sometimes we go out alone, sometimes we invite others. I also go out with other work friends from time to time. However, I do prefer to be with my close friends a lot. At meetings, trainings, and lunch we tend to sit together.

    I think it would help a lot if you found a close friend and go from there. Is there one person in this group who you are closest to? If so, maybe see if that person wants to do something alone with you. If not, branch out a little. If there is no one else out there, just give it time. I've been close with my friends for over ten years. It takes time for those relationships to develop. I think it is a good sign that they are inviting you to some things. It just might take some more time to get closer and "get on the thread." Also, friendships change and groups break apart. You never know how they are really getting along until you are closer. Hang in there!
     
  15. Obadiah

    Obadiah Groupie

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    Sep 11, 2017

    I don't mean this to sound critical because I'm not thinking you are doing anything wrong, but I am suggesting an alteration in your thinking about the situation. It helps and is calming to focus, rather than on what others do with me, focus on what can I do for others. If an altercation is still troublesome, it helps to talk about it rather than stew over it; it helps to understand the other person's feelings. But overall, just continuing to be there for others is the best avenue; if they are true friends, the cliquishness will subside on its own. Opie, on The Andy Griffith Show had sage advice concerning a dispute among school kids one day. He said, "These things have a way of working themselves out." Of course, a TV show can solve a problem in 30 minutes, but in real life, the immediate problem, over time, does work itself out. Either your friends will come around to include you more, or you will make other friends with an even stronger relationship. Might I suggest a good motto is the old song (from when I was a kid, but was recently revived about 20 years ago)

    Lean on me
    When you're not strong
    I'll be your friend
    I'll help you carry on
    For
    It won't be long
    I'm gonna need
    Somebody to lean on
     
  16. rpan

    rpan Cohort

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    Sep 11, 2017

    You can't control this group of friends and you can't force their attention or affection. So what if they aren't inviting you to things anymore, does it really matter? To me it would mean a lot if my bff stopped talking to me or avoiding me or stopped including me in his life. But if my work mates stopped doing that, yes i would wonder about it but i wouldn't lose sleep over it. There are other people in my life who value me as a friend and I choose to place my emotions and time on these people rather than people who don't.
     
  17. MissCeliaB

    MissCeliaB Aficionado

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    Sep 11, 2017

    I've had so many similar issues through the years. What helped me was making friends outside of work, so that I'm so busy I don't have time to think about it. Also, honestly, unfollowing some of them on Facebook is helpful because I don't see their party pics every weekend and I'm not invited. I know it's a cheap way out, because I'm avoiding it rather than dealing with it, but it's just easier. I collaborate with people at work when needed. I have a handful of close work friends I'll invite over to do things or out to do things. I don't get upset when the invitation is not reciprocated. I hang out with my friends from outside of work. I will never be in the super cliquey "inner circle" at my school, and that's ok.
     
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  18. WarriorPrncss

    WarriorPrncss Companion

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    Sep 11, 2017

    Should it matter? If you have a good, close group of friends, they should still offer. It's just being polite.


    In general... I'd begin expanding my group of friends. I student taught at a school where there was a group like this--- my master teacher was in it. They were, mostly, pretty friendly, in general, but they had their group, and that was that. They were friendly with other teachers, but no one was added to the group.

    I can't speak for your situation since I don't know you or your circle. I CAN speak from a circle standpoint, and it's going to sound mean.... normally when someone is asked and let in periodically it's because they either aren't a consistent group member (they say no a lot--- you don't come a lot you stop getting invited every time) OR because that person is nice, but is a source of drama and can only be tolerated in small quantities. Again, I don't know you or your group, so I am only speaking from what I've seen and what I've experienced.
     
  19. AlwaysAttend

    AlwaysAttend Fanatic

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    I'd feel like I was bothering someone if they already had lunch.
     
  20. WarriorPrncss

    WarriorPrncss Companion

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    Hmm.... fair enough. I didn't think about it that way. I guess it depends on the person.
     
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  21. DAH

    DAH Companion

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    Sep 11, 2017

    The OP hasn't said another word. I wonder if she's even reading all this great advice, although I felt kinda bad about what I said and even considered deleting it. But after reading other comments, I realized that many of us have been in this situation before from both sides of the spectrum. And I would like permission to briefly comment further on the topic.

    Every person I meet, I don't flow well with. They may be friendly, kind, and likeable; we may talk, laugh, and be agreeable, but "characteristically" we may be very different people. And those are not people I prefer to be close friends with.
    Sometimes a person's social class, moral character, social manners/behavior, education level, likes and dislikes, religion, or even their political persuasion does not flow well with other's.

    For example, I can remember a similar situation happening years ago, where a lady where I lived wanted to be better friends with me. I liked her well, and she liked me, but I wasn't comfortable being around her any more than passing and stopping briefly to chat. We had very different lifestyles. We came from very different backgrounds and social standings.

    She was more upper class; I was not (although I could pull it off real good:D). But the bottom line is, "in my view" we were UN-matched for a comfortable friendship I felt. Now, many years later, I can clearly see that I felt inferior to her, but I was unable to see that when I was younger. All I knew was that she wasn't someone that I could kick-it with (and we use to say). But it didn't mean I didn't like her.

    So, my advice to Shayrenae is, relax about this, don't read too much into it. Let them decide the direction the friendship will go, and if that excludes you, then forgive them, and stay pleasant towards them. And the next time someone comes along who wants to befriend you, but you're not interested, you can handle it with empathy.
    I hope this helps in some small way.
     

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