Recess issue

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by becky, Oct 3, 2011.

  1. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Jeannie is loving school...except for recess. For whatever reason, the other kids still don't include her at recess. The two other girls still go off by themselves and the boys all go off together.

    I invited her class to her birthday party recently, thinking some time together outside school might help. Only the two girls came- and they went off by themselves. I never heard from any of the boys' families. She knows all these kids from last year, so it's strange that they act this way.

    While I hate to think of her by herself at recess, my gut feeling is to wait and talk to the teacher at conference time. Since she's a middle schooler now, I'm not sure how much to help her with things, if that makes sense. Plus, the non-response to the birthday invitation makes me wonder about the attitudes of some of the families.

    What to do?
     
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  3. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    I don't have any suggestions. I just wanted to say that I wouldn't read too much into the birthday party thing. In my experience most of the time therE is a bigger turn out with neighborhood friends and friends of families I hang out with than with classmates. As for my own children, we attend some of them and some of them we don't. It has never been based on who the kid is unless the kid lives in the neighborhood or is a friend of the family. Otherwise it mostly has to do with whether or not we have a lot going on during that time or not.
     
  4. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Yep- that happened here, too. It was all homeschool friends and church friends. Thank goodness for them.
     
  5. bros

    bros Phenom

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    Perhaps there are some clubs she can join to help find people with similar interests in her school?

    It sounds like she has typical social skills from the brief amount of information, so social skills therapy would not be needed.

    But because middle school can be rough, perhaps an eye should be kept on her in case anything develops as a result of this.... os tracization (Such as the manifestation of anxiety).
     
  6. EMonkey

    EMonkey Connoisseur

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    If there are only three girls in the class that is very limiting in the choices available for friends. If your daughter is new to the school (even if she knows the kids in her class from outside or some interactions at school) she is vying against years of set expectations. She also is placed into the challenging situation where in order to be friends with her the other girls will need to choose to change their relationship with their other friend. twosome being turned into a threesome in middle school is challenging. A four some turned to a five some or five some turned to six some is a pretty easy change comparatively.
     
  7. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    becky, from your posts I feel we have a lot in common in our parenting! Yes, at middle school Mom has to be quite subtle!

    We had to do a lot to set things up for our DD to have social opportunities. We set things up so she would make friends, yet foremost in our minds was setting things up so she made closest friends with people who were going to be good for her. It takes a lot of effort, and gets trickier as kids get older.

    I echo the idea of making sure she is involved in activities where she can make friends in different circumstances. The friends she makes right now are the ones she will hang with in HS. It is ok to have school friends at school, neighborhood friends at home, church friends at church, and special friends who cross boundaries.

    As a teacher, I had a new student come into my very small class. There were only 2 other girls who were Best Friends, and even though they were very aware of including the new girl, after a year together the new girl is still not always a part of their group. It is taking a lot of time. I group them differently from time to time to get all the kids exposed to one another, and now they are in a larger group, which is good. But sometimes a child is just not going to make a best friend at school. As long as she has good, strong relationships outside of school, she will be ok.

    God bless you in these next few years! Our kids need us more than ever once they hit 12, but it takes a lot of finesse to make things happen the way you hope, and it is a day to day thing.
     
  8. TennisPlayer

    TennisPlayer Cohort

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    Oct 4, 2011

    Make sure she is trying to initiate too. If not then she is learning it is okay to play alone than be with others who arent nice!
     
  9. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Social skills therapy?? Yeah- for her classmates.
    Jeannie has never has trouble making friends, even when very young. I have told her to try and strike up conversations where she can, but don't push herself into any situation.
     
  10. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    These other two girls are newer to the school themselves. One joined last year. The other is a former homeschooler, like Jeannie. She came there very late in the year, last year. I thought sure she and Jeannie would hit it off, because most hsers are very friendly.
     
  11. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    I've done this already, plus Jeannie has always been quick to find someone to talk to in every class she's ever been in. That I can remember, she's never run into this kind of situation.
     
  12. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Oh, Jeannie has a best friend there- but he's a 5th grader she sees in passing during the day. He's part of the elementary there, she's in the middle school there.

    I debated having her invite these girls to participate in our Girl Scout activities..like one of our more fun meetings. Their behavior at her birthday party makes me wonder if I'd be wasting my time. They never even talked to her that night. When the one girl's mom encouraged her to thank me, the child looked at the floor!

    So, would you take this recess thing up with the teacher?
    Understand, I'm NOT looking for the teacher to fix this, force interaction, or anything like that. I'm wondering if it's appropriate to make her aware of the situation? She might have some ideas on what to do, kwim?
     
  13. bonneb

    bonneb Fanatic

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    Middle school is a whole new ballgame.

    How about inviting one of the girls to do something like bowling or roller skating and McDonald's after? Then the next time invite the other girl.

    I would ask the teacher how Jeannie is doing socially according to what the teacher sees. Get the teacher to talk about the social situation. Ask how things are at recess and lunch. Maybe the teacher can shed some light on the situation for you. I think it is appropriate to share this with the teacher, especially to get her take on it. Maybe things are fantastic in the classroom, which would be a great comfort to me.
     
  14. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    I personally wouldn't invite them to Girl Scouts unless you get to know them better. It's a fantastic organization but not all students are going to think it is cool, especially at that age.
     
  15. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Lol- C&G, are you calling GS nerdy?:lol:
    My thought was a meeting where we do something different, like a craft or maybe a movie. Maybe even a visit somewhere.
     
  16. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    How about inviting the girls over, ONE AT A TIME, for a "hang out." (I have it on very good authority that middle schoolers do NOT have playdates!!!)

    Three is a horrendous number when it comes to kids. Give Jeanne the chance for a little one on one time with each of the girls, so she's not automatically the odd man out.
     
  17. bros

    bros Phenom

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    Sorry, just typing stream of consciousness. Ruling things out as they come to my head :p
     
  18. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    Hahaha! I did kind of call it nerdy didn't I! Ah, well I agree with the one-on-one advice.
     
  19. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Middle school girls are much better in pairs.

    Our kids used to come to us from three different elementary schools. Sixth grade was full of "disorder" because they came to our school with pre-determined groups of friends. The new people were automatically "odd man out", and there were some awkward situations as they tried to dissolve old friendships and form new ones. Anytime they could be two together, things went better.

    By the time they get to 7th grade, they have reformed some friend groups, and by 8th grade they have usually formed the friendships that will follow them through the rest of their schooling.

    If the "divide and conquer" route doesn't work, I wouldn't worry about it. Friends will come from other places.

    As for the boys . . . who can explain a 6th grade boy. One of my best friends in 6th grade and 7th grade was a boy, but typically the girls and boys did NOT "cross over" in the friend arena much at that age. I blame puberty on that one.

    Middle school is just one adventure after another!
     
  20. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    What makes this all the more difficult is that the homeschooled kids she took classes with never behaved like this. Some here might not like me saying that, but it's true. Even if two hs'd kids were bfs, they accepted someone else. The only exception was if the kid had other issues. So, yeah, I won't worry if these girls never accept Jeannie, because I see it as their problem.
     
  21. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    I'm also wondering if it's just the type of families making up this 6th grade.
    Last Friday, Jeannie returned from a week-long, overnight school program at a nearby nature center. Once all the kids were unloaded and back with parents, maybe five families were remaining, hearing their kids go on about the program they just attended. At one point, the dad of one of the girls asks around to see who wanted to go get lunch. He did not ask us. So, I'm just thinking you have to earn your way into this group of people, and I don't have patience for that mentality.
     
  22. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    I'm sorry this is happening to you daughter. So the two girls that came to YOUR house for the b-day party still went off by themselves? Woah, apparently, they just wanted an excuse to hang out together just the two of them.

    Yes, middle school is a tough age. I was NEVER the type who had a lot of friends myself. I'm an only child & was NEVER part of a grp of friends, I gravitated towards 1, maybe 2 people all throughout school. I remember in 8th gr is when I moved & for ths 1st time, went to a public school, so I wasn't used to hundreds of kids in one grade. I was used to private schools were you have 20-25 kids in each grade. That yr was tough socially for me. I tried to find people here & there just so I wasn't totally alone at lunch recess. Even throughout HS, I managed to find a couple people or so to hang out w/ at lunch, but I was never close friends w/ any of these kids, not really like going over ea others' houses or talking on the phone all the time. I did meet 1 girl in 8th gr who I managed to stay friends w/ until we started college. It's tough though. For me, everywhere I went, everyone always seemed to alreayd have their friends & I never did & that even happens nowadays as I'm an adult. This was practically throughout my whole life, except maybe when I was in elem school.

    I hope things get better.
     
  23. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Ms. I, I paid for these chicklets to go bowling! It was a bowling party. They bowled in with the other girls there, but did not talk to Jeannie at all. It's interesting that the sisters of one of the girls really like Jeannie, and one of those sisters was at the party. ( The other sister had plans.)
     
  24. Ms. I

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    becky, that's a real shame that the girls didn't even talk to her at HER own party. As for me, the ONLY b-day party I had in my life w/ actual friends & not just relatives was my 7th b-day. I'm just not the party type...still not now.
    When I graduated from college, my parents threw me a party at the house where I did invite a couple of gal pals & I had my boyfriend, but it was mainly relatives there. It would be nice to have more friends, but oh well.
     
  25. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    You and I have a lot in common, Ms. I.
    I feel like I have loads of aquaintances, but no 'girlfriends' I do things with. Much of it is circumstance, and some of it is other reasons.
     
  26. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Becky, I guess we do have things in common! I'm a truly nice, kind person, but I'm never in a position plus other people never take that time/initiative to really get to know me because they have their own friends, so all they know is what's on the surface: "She seems like a nice person, but I don't know her that well." And yes, I try when I can to make the 1st move towards making a friendship w/ people who I think will be a good friend.

    Nowadays, I have a couple gal pals that I try to meet up w/ for lunch maybe every several months...maybe not even that often. Hey, it is what it is. I'm an only child, I'm used to standing alone.

    Well, I'm off to work! If you ever want to vent about anything or just talk, feel free to PM me! :)
     
  27. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Thank you!
     
  28. bros

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    The parents sound rather snobby.
     
  29. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Just...wow. Quite rude of him.

    I don't believe he was obligated to invite anyone or everyone, but demonstrating a little tact...that would have been nice.
     
  30. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    Maybe we'll have earned our way 'in' by the end of the school year.:lol:
     
  31. becky

    becky Enthusiast

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    And it makes me miss the homeschool families that much more.
     
  32. Ms. I

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    The way some adults act, you'd think it was still jr high or high school where everyone's in their little cliques. Oh brother! :rolleyes:
     

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