Qualifiers for Friendship

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by jen12, Aug 11, 2012.

  1. jen12

    jen12 Devotee

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    Aug 11, 2012

    About two years ago, I went on a trip to Vegas with some girlfriends. One of them (Vicky) completely froze me out and didn't speak to me for days afterward except for some snarky comments on Facebook. When I asked a mututal friend (Grace) if Vicky was upset, she told me to speak to Vicky. As it turned out, vicky felt that I'd ruined the trip for her. Everything I'd done was wrong, from wanting to go to bed at 3am instead of staying up, having one drink instead of two at a bar one night, to heading in early from the pool because I was burning, to a restraunt I'd suggested that the overruled. It was this list of details that I didn't even remember, much less felt like they'd affected anyone else.

    When I'm with a group, I go with the flow, but things like skin cancer and living on no sleep are not negotiable, and my choices in these areas are about me. And we're not teenagers who need to be joined at the hip 24/7. We're grown adults.

    Anyway, Grace, who I'd known for years, backed Vicky up completely, which made me think that Vicky had been bitching to her the whole weekend. Yet nothing was mentioned to me until I asked about it....a WEEK later. I apologized, even though I didn't feel I'd done anything wrong. She said it "wasn't about apologizing" whatever that means, and proceeded to leave me out of social gatherings.

    I have tried to mend this friendship. I really have, but my invitations go either unanswered or declined. The situation that really stings is that I've known Grace for almost two decades and she's letting Vicky come between us. Not that this is unusual, her ex-boyfriend also ruined a friendship for her with someone else....but I'm just trying to make peace and save a friendship. I hate that this is so middle school, and I hate that she can keep sticking me with a knife. Just today Vicky posted a picture of the two of them. When I commented that they looked good and I missed seeing them, Vicky commented that they just weren't healthy enough for me. Seriously? I know I post stuff on Facebook that's workout related, but that's because I have so many FB friends from my gym and running club....

    I get that the adult thing would be to give up. Write Grace off as a loss and just get Vicky off of my Facebook friends, but a part of me wants to keep fighting for my friendship...it's been too long to let someone else ruin it.

    I don't know why I'm pouring all of this out here. I just feel like getting it out in print might help.:(
     
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  3. DaleJr88AmpFan

    DaleJr88AmpFan Cohort

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    Aug 11, 2012

    I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Keep the lines of communication open and available. When she "gets a clue", she'll contact you. Until then, continue to make yourself the best that you can be and ignore the "high school drama" that is unfolding.
     
  4. giraffe326

    giraffe326 Virtuoso

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    Aug 11, 2012

    I know it is easier to judge on the outside.
    My thought is that if Grace is treating you like this, then she isn't a very good friend. Her loss.
    Easier said than done, I know.
    :hugs:
     
  5. HWilson

    HWilson Comrade

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    Aug 11, 2012

    I'm sorry, I know it is hard loosing a (two in this case) friendship. But keep in mind, I read a poem somewhere once that talked about people coming and going in our lives for a reason. The time of the friendship is a reason given it short or long there was a reason and that part of your life has been fulfilled. The purpose is done. I think of this when I have a friend that moves away or we drift apart. It makes it a little easier.

    I understand where you are coming from in being hurt. We went on vacation this summer with another couple that we are good friends with for a two week stay and upon returning we went over a month of not speaking whatsoever. It is easy to overlook differences during dinners and just hanging out but staying with someone night and day is strenuous on friendships. We are not still back to normal,with those friends. We had dinner last week for the first time and it was awkward. We used to have dinner together 3 or more times a week. It's just hard on friendships.

    I understand you may not want to move on from your friendship but maybe it's time. Maybe the purpose for the friendship has been filled and it's not meant to be anymore. Maybe now that y'all have grown up some more, you are just different people that won't work out anyway.

    Best of luck. I'm sorry you are hurting but I know time will ease the pain.
     
  6. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    Aug 11, 2012

    It's hard to lose friends. I got very sick about 12 years ago. I've never regained some of the friendships I lost during that time. I do miss them.
     
  7. Kat53

    Kat53 Devotee

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    Aug 11, 2012

    I have been in this place. I lost a long time friend. I finally decided that she and her problems were too toxic for my life. It was hard for a while, but I can't even begin to tell you the freedom that I feel everyday from cutting that friendship. It was eye-opening.
     
  8. Linguist92021

    Linguist92021 Phenom

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    Aug 11, 2012

    I think at this point it's best to be the better person. Let your friend go, do't reach out to her (which included don't 'like' or comment on her posts / pictures, etc), but keep communication open if she reaches out to you.
    That's pretty much all you can do without looking needy. I know you want to save the friendship, if you feel that you did everything you could, it's time to let her go. If you think, one more attempt for a talk is in order, so you can feel better, then do that, and move on from there.

    I had a friend, whom i considered my best friend. we were friends for about 7 years and then one day she stopped answering/returning my calls. I'm the type of person who will try to my best, because there are misunderstandings, whatever, and I just always feel better that I had tried, and did everything I could. So I did call periodically, even after a few weeks, then gave up. About 6-7 months later I texted her on Thanksgiving, she texted me back and let me know she's ready to talk. Found out that she was upset because she thought I wasn't a good friend, and she gave me a bunch of small things that I was in the wrong for. We talked, worked everything out and moved on.
    We picked up our friendship from where we left off.
    A year or so later same thing happened. This time it took me just a few phone calls to know she went through her "cutting people out of my life" (she did this all the time with other other friends) phase and I quit.
    This was a year and a half ago, and never heard from her.
    <akes me sad, because she was my closest friend, but how good of a friends were we if she did this? At this point I have no interest in being her friend, I don't think we culd pick things up from here.
    Sounds childish, but I didn't do anything wrong. And if I did do something to **** her off, she should've told me.

    In your situation, the things you are guilty of are small and a matter of opinion. You shouldn't feel guilty, and if your friend thinks a friends ship is not worth that much, then it's not worth saving.
     
  9. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Aug 11, 2012

    How old are these people?

    Seriously? She needs to get over herself.

    I wouldn't end a friendship over something so petty, but I'd certainly think twice about going on a trip with her again.
     
  10. Maryhf

    Maryhf Connoisseur

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    Aug 11, 2012

    :hugs: It sure seems like you have tried to mend fences that shouldn't have been broken anyway. You've been mature. They have not. You are taking care of yourself and you should not feel the least bit sorry that they are not.
    I would still make the occasional comment on FB. She just looks petty responding in such a way. I have a friend who has really gotten into working out and running. She posts her workout schedule and I think, "Good for her!" I don't respond in a snarky way. You may have outgrown these ladies.
     
  11. alioxenfree

    alioxenfree Rookie

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    Aug 11, 2012

    They're too immature for you. You deserve to have friends who act like grown-ups.
     
  12. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Aug 11, 2012

    They don't sound like quality friends, I have to say.
     
  13. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Aug 12, 2012

    jen12, I'm sorry for your pain. I guess I can see why this is still on your mind 2 yrs later. After all, they seemed like pretty good friends in your eyes. I've moreless stood alone my whole life, but I've had a friend here & there throughout different times of my life. But, from someone who's an only child, learned to stand alone, & think friends are nice to have, but they're not the center of my happiness, I say who needs them!

    That's a shame, but genuine friends would stand by you through thick & thin.

    I totally agree w/ both of the above. Now you may have new friends by now jen12, but you're probably thinking that it's not the same. Well, we have to make the best of what life throws at us. Don't put yourself through another moment's torture of wondering & hoping they'll come around. I'm afraid that ship has sailed w/ Vicky & Grace.
     
  14. Mrs.Sheila

    Mrs.Sheila Cohort

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    Aug 12, 2012

    There is often so much we can learn from children. =) It is easy for them to simply walk away with no regrets to the people who treat the way your friend was treating you. I am kind of going through something similar and it was an ah ha moment of going back to child like thinking. Friends come and go ~ and if they don't bring out the best in ya, it's time to let it go and move forward.
     
  15. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Aug 13, 2012

    At this point, I wouldn't want to be friends with them again anyway if they came back. What am I, the doormat? No ma'am! Maybe if they genuinely apologize for how they treated me in the past (which I seriously doubt it), then we'll see. People can't treat people any kind of way & then expect open arms years later.
     

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