Processing Death

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Roobunny, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. Roobunny

    Roobunny Comrade

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    Jun 25, 2013

    My father died Friday night. He took his last breath as I held his hand...it's been so very hard for me. His death wasn't unexpected, but it doesn't make it any easier to processes. I've had trouble sleeping and my appetite comes and goes.

    To make matters worse, my wedding is Saturday. Understandably, I've been incredibly sad. All the excitement I was feeling about the wedding has disappeared. I've been feeling very "out of it" and blank the last several days.

    How can I deal with such strong and mixed emotions?
     
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  3. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I am so sorry, Roobunny.

    I have a lot of experience with deaths of family members. I don't know if I could go ahead with a wedding, but each person is different in response to grief. Also, it may be what your father wanted for you. If it is, that could help you. Your father wanted your happiness and comfort, I am sure. Know that a celebration doesn't 'cancel out' grief; they both exist in life, but we don't always experience them so close together.

    Medication could help, too.
     
  4. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Hugs and hugs, with my deepest condolences.

    What you're feeling is normal, I'm afraid: despite knowing that death is inevitable, and even when death is imminent, one really doesn't expect one's parents to die, somehow.

    On a practical level, you might benefit from a short-term sleep aid, and possibly from finding something to do in your father's honor.

    Again, my condolences.
     
  5. Ted

    Ted Habitué

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Roobunny, I just wanted to offer my sympathy and let you know that you and your family will be in my prayers.

    Not sure if you've ever been one to explore art, but I know of many people who have found it helpful to scrapbook their loved one's life. Maybe you would find it healing if even just a little bit.

    I think Upsadaisy said it best: "A celebration doesn't 'cancel out' grief". If there's still a part of you looking forward to your wedding, don't allow yourself to feel guilty for feeling excited about this wonderful day ahead. I'm sure your dad would want you to experience joy.

    There are 24 hours in a day. If we spend some of those grieving and the other feeling joyous, that's okay.
     
  6. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    Jun 25, 2013

    No advice, just a lot of sympathy and mental hugs.
     
  7. Linguist92021

    Linguist92021 Phenom

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I'm so sorry for your loss :(
     
  8. whollyconsumed

    whollyconsumed Companion

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will make it through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. It is ok to cry. Lean on those that are closest to you.
     
  9. amakaye

    amakaye Enthusiast

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Sending more hugs and prayers. I am very sorry for your loss.
     
  10. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Jun 25, 2013

    So sorry for your loss. Like others prayers and hugs to you.
    I think what you are feeling is very common. I know when someone close to me dies...it's hard to think about eating, sleeping is very hard...memories and what not run through your head and things that need to be done.

    I think honoring your father in some way at your wedding is a great idea. I know my friend's mom died when she was a child she had her aunts lay flowers around a candle and I lit it. She wanted the women in her life to help her with the memory of her mom. Weird thing it was a little breezy and drizzling (Outside wedding)...the candle would look like it went out and it would stay lit...we knew her mom was there.
     
  11. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Huge :hugs:
     
  12. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Hugs, Roo...
    Are you thinking of a remembrance of sorts for him at your wedding? I'm sure he'll be there with you in spirit and in your heart.:love:
     
  13. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Bunny, I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you on Saturday.
     
  14. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    Jun 25, 2013

    So sorry for your loss *hugs*
    My father passed away about a year after my wedding so I'm lucky he got to be there. My friend had a remberance table at her wedding reception. It was just a small table with pictures of people in her family that had passed away (her father and grandparents) and a few candles. It seemed like they were watching over her at her wedding.
     
  15. Missy

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I am so sorry; I will be thinking of you and your family in this very difficult time.
     
  16. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I am so sorry to hear this. I have lost my father, mother, and a brother. I grieved differently each time. For some reason, it was much harder losing my father, which I can´t really explain why. Unfortunately I don´t have any advice but can say that time will help your pain. If you are like me, you will still find yourself sad and missing him, but the immense pain you feel from this separation will ease. Is there any possible way to postpone the wedding date? I know that´s not easy, but just curious to see if it is an option at all.
     
  17. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

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    I wanted to express my sympathies and reassure you what you are feeling is NORMAL. The rollercoaster of feelings you will experience over the next months is NORMAL. Allow yourself to grieve but realize it is okay to feel happiness and joy even when grieving. At least you are going to be surrounded by people who care about you who will understand.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  18. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Processing Death is different in varying people and with who passed away
    I have never really got over my sisters death 9 years ago
    With my mother I believe I have finished the grief process but I had been forewarned and My granddaughter was born just 5 1/2 hours later.

    I have found that when you celebrate one's life the grief seems be more easy to deal with.
    I feel if you dedicate a part of your wedding (a song, a candle, table, a empty seat with flowers) to him, it will be easier on you
    I have you, your fiancé and your dad in my prayers

    :hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  19. Jerseygirlteach

    Jerseygirlteach Groupie

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I just want to say how sorry I am.
     
  20. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I'm so sorry! My thoughts are with you.
     
  21. Tasha

    Tasha Phenom

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I'm so sorry, hugs to you. I think some kind of way of remembering him would be lovely. Maybe instead of the daddy-daughter dance a slide show with pictures to the song you would have danced to
     
  22. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Jun 25, 2013

    If you follow Tasha's suggestion, make sure the table decorations include kleenex - and it will be a very good thing.

    (I vote for "Sunrise, Sunset", and I'm tearing up as I type. Good tears, mind you.)
     
  23. Securis

    Securis Cohort

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    Jun 25, 2013

    I want to share so that you know you aren't alone. I have nearly the same story to tell. My mother passed on the 8th. As with your Father, my Mother's passing was not unexpected. I've dreaded the ringing of the phone more at some points and less at others over the last several years. I knew that eventually that call would come.

    We had to haggle ferociously with the airline to change our tickets from travel plans we had for a later time frame for a visit with my family under happier circumstances so that we could fit funeral plans. That resulted in a very unsatisfactory monetary outcome but there was little we could do. My fiance and I have our wedding set for July 7th and along with that comes the tremendous financial burden. My family, as lovely and loving as they are, can't seem to understand why I'm unable to make a longer return visit at some near future time, especially my Father. Add to that the most overwhelming scene of trying to speak with everyone, accept condolences and congratulations at the same time...:dizzy: My Fiance met almost the entirety of my family at one time, the worst possible time.

    How am I dealing with my grief? Poorly probably. I've cried. I've been overly stern with people I have no business being mean toward. I'm completely distracted and have made tons of little mistakes and missteps with everything. Everything. The first thought that I have when waking in the morning is that I need to call my Mother. My second thought is the inescapable fact that I can not call my mother.

    When I miss her, I say it out loud. Instead, I call my Father or my Brother and Sisters. I correct myself when I make the mistakes and I ask forgiveness when I realize who I'm being with people who only want the best for me. When people offer their condolences along with offers of help in any way, I tell them to love their loved-ones more and be more accepting of people they may not like so much.

    What you're going to have to do is slow down, let those who care about you love you, wait, accept the bad, and remember all the good. It's all I know to do.

    I hope for you that your heart heals well in the time it takes.
     
  24. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Haven't read any replies but I (think) know how you feel........ Wish I had the words for you............. God bless you, Roobunny......:hugs:
     
  25. stephenpe

    stephenpe Connoisseur

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    My dad is nearing the end, also. He is 82 and slowing down each day. All I can tell you is when my dad goes I will thank God and rejoice that I had him and had him so long. Many children grow up fatherless or with dads that did not do their job. Be thankful you had a good one. The greatest thing you can do to honor him is to take his lessons and apply them to your life to make other lives better. BIG hugs to you Roo.
     
  26. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Jun 25, 2013

    Very good Stephen .....
     
  27. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    Jun 25, 2013

    This has been so true for me as well. I do still feel sad when I think of my own dad, but then I remember how blessed I was to have him in my life. The other day I found myself wishing he were here so I could speak to him about some things going on in my life, then I remembered it´s okay, he left me plenty of memories and showed me through his own choices what I should do. It is enough. It really is. I just have to focus on that. He left me so much more than I could have ever asked for, and one day I will get the chance to let him know that. Also remember that love transcends all, including the physical absence. You still love your father and he still loves you. Hold on to that love. I wish you the best. :hugs:
     
  28. melnm

    melnm Companion

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    Jun 26, 2013

    I'm so sorry for your loss.
     
  29. Roobunny

    Roobunny Comrade

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    Jun 26, 2013

    Thank you all for your kind words and wonderful advice.

    I never thought to postpone the wedding. It's not what my father would have wanted anyway. My mother came into town yesterday and although they divorced many years ago, his death has been dealing her a hard blow as well.

    She brought with her a letter my dad had written me twenty-five years ago. Part of it really hit close to home with my wedding only days away. He wrote: "No matter how serious some things may seem, no matter how sad, there's always a happier, funnier, better time waiting for you up ahead."

    Reading this made me feel a little better. It's almost as if my father was speaking to me from beyond the grave to offer words of comfort.
     
  30. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Jun 26, 2013

    Roo... how sweet...maybe you could incorporate that into your wedding or a toast or something.

    I'm sure you dad would not want to "ruin" your day. He will be there... You will know it.

    I know my neighbor (more like my 2nd mom) died when I was a teen..I so would have loved her to be at my wedding...But she was the day was picture perfect.

    Have a GREAT wedding...know that he is with you and your "family" here is supporting you as well!!!
     

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