Planning for kids

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by princessbloom, Jun 29, 2012.

  1. princessbloom

    princessbloom Comrade

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    Jun 29, 2012

    I apologize in advance...I just need to vent, and I don't feel comfortable talking to my family. This seems like the best forum because of the anonymity here. This is a discussion I would never want to have on FB.
    There are 2 topics going on right now that go along with what's on my heart: pregnancy and money!

    My husband and I are 27 and we've been married for 7 years. (Young, yes, but we went to high school together) :D
    I have the baby fever. I feel as if my maternal inclinations are kicking in. I'M DYING TO HAVE A BABY! My husband says he is ready, but we also have debt built up. He wants us to have our debt paid off before we have children. I was unemployed for a year which brought our debt from 0 to what it is now. We've enjoyed our 7 years of marriage...we've gotten to travel and enjoy ourselves together. But I'm so ready...He's the logical thinker and says if we don't pay it off now, then we'll never get it paid off before kids come along.

    Loads of my friends are having children and I want so badly to be happy for them, but truthfully....I'm insanely jealous. I feel terrible for thinking this way though because I know it's wrong!

    We've set a strict budget for ourselves, which we are following. But I feel that at this rate we are getting nowhere. I want kids and I feel my clock is ticking. It's depressing. I've tried to talk to him about it but he's getting tired of me bringing it up, and I don't blame him. I know he wants the debt down and we are both trying.
    To boot, we're both concerned about paying for childcare because I have to continue teaching after kids.

    I'd like to just put our trust in God and trust that he knows what's best...and no matter our debt, He will provide. My logical thinker ;) is convinced that us paying this off is what God would like us to do.

    I don't know the purpose of this posting other than I don't know who to talk to and me wanting a child is really starting to depress me!

    Is my husband right? Is paying the debt off worth it? Is it only going to accrue again with children? Are we spinning our wheels? Can you "plan" for kids, or at least try?
    I cannot convince him otherwise in any way so I guess I'm only asking for my own piece of mind. I don't see him budging.

    (I love my husband to bits...despite how this post makes it sound!)
     
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  3. Jeky

    Jeky Comrade

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    Jun 29, 2012

    I don't really have any advice because every situation is SO different, but here is what we went through:

    We were married almost 4 years...We had talked here and there about when to start "trying" but it never seemed like good timing. I was a 2nd year teacher and did not have job security, but I was also the main "breadwinner" for out family. DH doesn't have a college degree, but has a steady job nontheless. We also had a ton of debt from my student loans. In short, we didn't feel like we were stable enough to have a baby.

    And then, surprise, pregnant! At first we freaked out, but you know what, everything has worked out just fine. Babies are NOT that expensive; you can make do with very little!! What kills you is the daycare expenses. Like you, there is no question that I have to keep working full time. Our daughter was born at the beginning of the summer, so I stayed home with her until the school year started. Then, DH took 10 months of "paternity" leave (only 6 weeks were paid from unemployment) and we cut way down on our expenses for the rest of that year. Now we have found a great home daycare which our daughter LOVES, so my husband and I can both continue working. We are no more in debt than we were three years ago when I got pregnant.

    I guess my point is, you will never truly be "ready" to have a child. If you really want one, you will make it work. Like I said, the initial cost is not a lot, given you have good insurance.

    Hope this helps!!! :) We are kind of talking about trying for a 2nd, even though we are nowhere near "ready" for one!! ;)
     
  4. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    Jun 29, 2012

    Research what daycare will cost you in your area. I pay $500 a month for my 3 year old, and my costs will double to $1000 a month once baby #2 is here in November. This is on the cheaper end of daycare as some places in the country charge $1600 a month for one!!! Anyway, once you know that cost, add in about $50 a month for diapers and $75 or so for formula (assuming you would need it). Take that amount out of your budget monthly and set it in savings. If you can still comfortably survive, you have a really strong argument that you can afford a baby and still pay off debt! :)

    For what it's worth, my husband and I struggled with infertility for both of our pregnancies, so it took much longer for us to actually get pregnant once we were ready (18 months for one, 19 months for the other--both needed fertility medicine). Our "plan" definitely didn't include that! The only thing you can count on, is "plans change."
     
  5. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Jun 29, 2012

    Could it be possible that your husband isn't as ready as you are and is using the debt issue to buy some time until he gets on board all the way?

    If you're looking for opinions about who is right, I'd have to say that he is. While I understand your point of view and don't blame you in the slightest for feeling as you do, I think you have to be realistic. Babies are a big financial commitment. Although of course you'll find a way to make it work if it happens before you're ready, it would certainly be easier if you were better prepared. Money is a huge stress issue for couples, and so are babies. Why have both stresses in your life if you don't need to and are in a position to avoid one? Why put your marriage at risk by throwing these stressful things at it when you wait a little while, plan well, and remove one of the stress issues entirely?

    What is your debt elimination timetable? If you don't already have one, set one. Perhaps you can also add some "baby savings" to your debt plan, maybe by setting aside the cost of daycare every month as a way to build a baby-egg. That way, you will 1) have some extra money when the baby comes so that you can have a fun time buying baby things, 2) already be in the habit of saving for daycare and living on that reduced budget. If you find that living on that reduced budget is too difficult or impossible, then you'll know that you are making a wise decision in waiting to solve money problems before adding a baby to the mix.
     
  6. Rebel1

    Rebel1 Connoisseur

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    Jun 29, 2012

    Think about it. It would be cheaper to have a baby now, than to wait for a future time. The cost of things keep going up.
    Pray for God's help, and hope that one day soon, your husband would wake up and say, "Honey! Let's have that kid!"
    Here's a thought. While he sleeps, every night whisper in his ear over and over, "Let's have a baby!":D
    Good luck,
    Rebel1
     
  7. princessbloom

    princessbloom Comrade

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    Jun 30, 2012

    I really appreciate your comments from another (male) perspective! I do think that there is much validity to what you say. He's said that if it weren't for the finances then he would be ready, but with that being such a huge barrier I'd say he isn't ready!

    We did set a debt elimination: next summer.

    I really should do the research for the cost of daycares.

    Jeky, I've heard people say that you will never really be ready for a child-which is kind of my point to my husband but he wants to be as prepared as possible. I can't fault him for that.
     
  8. amakaye

    amakaye Enthusiast

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    Jun 30, 2012

    Caesar isn't male... ;)
     
  9. eddygirl

    eddygirl Companion

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    Jun 30, 2012

    Princess, I'm going to give you the same advice I gave my newly-married son and daughter-in-law. They both work full time (she's a teacher) and they want to have a baby within the next two years. I told them they should bank one year of her after-taxes salary before they get pregnant. Although they both intend to work after baby is born, maybe she (or he) will want to stay home with the baby. I worked with two girls who cried every day for weeks because both of them wanted to be SAHM's but couldn't afford to. I totally understand your wanting to have a baby soon, but this is something else to think about...
     
  10. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Jul 1, 2012

    :haha: Alas, I am not male.
     
  11. Bored of Ed

    Bored of Ed Enthusiast

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    Jul 1, 2012

    I think if you have a solid plan to be debt-free (and possibly also bank some savings?) in a year, it's something to consider hard. Though for myself, I've never let financial worries get in the way of having a baby - I'm a person of faith, so that helps - but the financial worries were always in the present and future, I was never in any deep debt hole, so I really can't talk to that experience. What I do know is that kids are expensive, and there's also the pregnancy factor - you really never know, with my first child I had to be on bedrest for 3 months before she was born, which took a huge bite out of our finances (I was planning to not only keep us afloat but also save for maternity leave and the farther future; instead we lived on savings for those 3 months because husband's business wasn't taking off either), and now I'm pregnant with #2 and even though (knock on wood) no bedrest so far, I missed quite a few days of work (unpaid) due to feeling lousy and had to turn down some potential (scarce!) summer jobs because I don't feel up to working full days. So again, not telling you not to go for it, I'm a woman too and a real family person, just giving some more food for thought.

    Maybe you could do some compromising. Conception doesn't always happen right away and most babies don't cause that much trouble for 8-9 months after that (though after what mine did to me I always tell people not to actually count on that, you need to be ready to be a parent the second that sperm meets the egg. Even before the bedrest, I had to spend great chunks of time in various medical care... don't ask...) and you do plan on being debt-free by next summer. So maybe he'd be willing to compromise and start trying in a few months with the expectation that in all likelihood the actual baby won't arrive until after your debt is gone. Of course nothing is guaranteed but at a certain point you have to accept that you can't plan for EVERY eventuality, there comes a point when you just have to do your best and leave the rest to God or fate or whoever it is you leave things to.
     
  12. princessbloom

    princessbloom Comrade

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    Jul 1, 2012

    Ooops! Sorry! I assumed by "Caesar" and your choice of pic you were. My apologies!
     
  13. DrivingPigeon

    DrivingPigeon Phenom

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    Jul 1, 2012

    I would be "gazelle-like" (to quote Dave Ramsey) in paying off your debt. Stick to a very strict budget, stay away from mini vacations, eat out very little or not at all, get a 2nd job, do not buy any clothes in the next year (unless it is very necessary), etc. If you are really serious about both paying off the debt and having a baby soon, you need to make it a top priority, and it will happen.
     

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