Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by TeacherShelly, May 18, 2014.
May 21, 2014
Great wording, that really helps, thanks, Cat!
Stand with (him) to stand by and for (my daughters).
Cat, love it.
The choir concert was excellent. The kids amaze me with their ability to open their mouths and move me with their music. They surprised the parents with a mashup of Love Train and Put a Little Love in Your Heart. Awwww….
And Cat'n'fiddle's words were on my mind as I stood with my husband to stand for my girl. It must have been the music, but I felt at peace, like everything was fine. It was almost as if things were back to the old days, but a more nostalgic, sentimental version of those days.
I guess this was one of those "good days," in the saying, "you'll have good days and bad."
May 24, 2014
Shelly, as I read the other posts, I have to say that you are one STRONG woman. You will survive through this difficult time. As one poster said, take the time to grieve, but know that there are good days and times ahead. Don't lose your faith! You are much loved and respected on this forum. We are all here for you!
May 25, 2014
Shelly. You are a strong woman, and I am proud of you. Much love and prayers sent your way.
Thanks, Chebrutta & Knitter63, your words make me feel better. In many ways, this forum is better for me to vent to because I don't have to worry about running into you in Target or something . Anonymous social media is awesome. ASM = awesome.
I hope everyone knows it's a two-way street. I have the highest respect for the members of this forum, and cherish the online friendships.
I'm so sorry you and you're girls are going through this, TeacherShelly. I've been through the same thing, so I understand the pain and betrayal you are experiencing. Keeping a journal or log was one of the best things I did during the first couple of years of the divorce. Not only did it give me an outlet for venting my personal feelings, it also gave me documentation of her actions (minus the personal narrative) for my lawyer to use. And you do need to retain a good lawyer for advice on how to proceed from here regarding custody, child support, etc.
As for the co-parenting concept? I'm not a believer or a fan of it. I have to admit I was outraged the first time my ex (who was the one cheating on the marriage) told me I was NOT "invited" to my own son's birthday party. I thought "How DARE she deny my son, as well as me, that experience" But I just had a party of my own for him at my house and that's what I've done for the boys ever since.
On the rare occasions when she did attend one of boys' events, I did NOT sit with her or near her. We may have a connection with the children, but we do NOT have a connection with each other anymore.
As for Match.com and the other sites, I agree you don't need that right now. The last thing you need is a rebound relationship. As for all those "exciting activities and exotic locations" all the other women brag about, I personally found those to be a big turn-off. To me it sounded like they were saying "I like to travel to lots of places and I want to find a man to PAY for the trip". That may be completely wrong, of course, but that is how it came across to me. Personally, I would MUCH rather find a woman that was interested in crocheting and would be especially excited to find a woman who is an avid reader. Maybe we could explore new books together.
As for your ex being the "fun father", don't worry about that. It might last for awhile, but the fact he would rather spend time with biker Sarah than come to their birthday party will show his true character to them..and all the "fun stuff" in the world won't erase that. In the meantime, you can also be the "fun mom" as well as the mature mom. You have the weekends together and will soon have the summer to plan "fun activities" of your own to do with the girls.
I've developed a love for walking and hiking, so this summer, I'm planning a series of day trips with my boys to different hiking trails with scenic waterfalls and rivers to enjoy. In the meantime, we go to see movies almost every time they come to my house. Maybe you could find some books for you and your girls to read together or have a "girls night out" with them.
Just know that, as painful as this experience is, it WILL make you a stronger person as you go through it. It will also make you a strong model for your girls to follow as they grow into young women themselves. You are showing them the value in setting limits on how someone is allowed to treat you and they will be stronger women themselves by having your example to follow.
Ah, more tears. Reading your words, Cerek, make me feel understood and in for more bad times. Just now, for example, I had both girls swimming at our townhouse pool and he asked if he could run errands while we swam. Sure! Then four hours later when the swimming was finished, he doesn't answer his texts because he is "working on the motorcycle." I assume it's his motorcycle ("the" not "her" again) (which by the way I purchased for him, a Ducati, for his 40th birthday, but I digress), but no, he's been at Sarah's the whole time. Ugh.
He also left our daughter at his apartment to go work on the motorcycle, as he calls it, while she was having her week with him. Well, so long fun father!
I called our counselor and she agreed he was being disrespectful of the girls by having this new person in his life so soon. I told him I know I can't control what he does, but would he please think of the kids and not put this person into their life so soon. He thought "not introducing" a new person meant literally bringing her to his apartment and saying, "Sarah, this is my daughter; daughter, this is Sarah." You have to be so literal with some people. No, don't put the idea in their minds that mom and dad are divorcing and immediately there is someone new for dad. Geez.
I realize I'm jealous and am doing my best to remain focused on the kids and what's best for them. Just between us, though, I am so mad he has another person in his life already. Just so hurt and mad.
It's hard to watch our exes move on-- it can be brutal! But Cerek is right about everything he said. Your daughter is learning through you the kind of woman she should be when someone she loves hurts her. Your actions will guide her in her relationships with men for years to come, much more so than her father's. Show her, then, what it looks like to get through something like this with grace, dignity and self respect.
As for this other woman, the harlot, if she's willing to be with a man who will put her above his children, well then you know she has no character or moral fiber. So don't be jealous, be grateful that the selfish brute is with someone just as shallow as he is instead of continuing to hurt you. Relationships like theirs don't last long, and even if they do, who wants to be partnered with someone like that?
You're going to take your time to grieve and heal. You're going to be the most constant support your children have, and they are going to be so thankful for it when they're older and can see things through adult eyes (probably even sooner). You're going to get yourself healthy, your kids well adjusted, and then, the person you deserve will come into your life. But be patient. He needs you to take care of you and your children so that he can be your companion, not your savior. He will come when it is time.
Bandnerd is absolutely right. You are showing your girls how to handle incredible deceit, pain and unfairness with strength, class and dignity. Your girls will see your true character through this. Sadly, they are also seeing their dad's true character as well. His actions are showing them that his own pleasures are more important to him than theirs. They are seeing it first-hand, and that knowledge will stay with them a lot longer than Sarah will stay with dad.
I have ZERO respect for a parent (dad or mom either one) that do not put the needs and wants of their children first. I don't want to make this about "me", by any means, but I hope some of my own experiences will help you endure what you are going through.
My ex was cheating on our marriage (more than once, as I learned) and she wasted no time having he boyfriend (who was also married) over to the house, even when the boys were there. On the other hand, in the 8 years since the divorce, I've never had a single date when it was my turn with the boys. In fact, even though they know I have had dates, they have no idea who any of the dates were with.
As for Biker Sarah, it's a toss-up as to who will get tired of the relationship first. Now that you and he are officially "over" (according to him), it won't be too long before Sarah gets tired of just being a boot y-axis and will start wanting a little more bonding and commitment from him. That's when he will start looking for someone else or she will get fed up and look for something else herself.
Shortly before we split, my ex said she was tired of me only giving her attention when I wanted sex (which wasn't true, but she claimed it was). Meanwhile, she's begun a side relationship where that IS all he was interested in. She was convinced he would leave his wife for her. I have to admit I felt some sadistic glee when he found a new boot y-axis and dumped her like yesterday's news. Same thing will happen with Sarah, one way or the other.
My ex also accused me of just doing "fun things" with the boys during the custody hearing. But when my lawyer asked "Well, what fun things do you do with the boys?", she couldn't list a single thing. That's because she has NEVER done anything with the boys. I even told her about a year before we split that she needed to be more involved and do things with them. I told her "If you don't do things with them now, they won't have anything to do with you when they're grown...and then it will be too late for you to change it." And that is exactly what's happening. Every time they leave my house, they don't want to go and can't wait to come back.
So do as much as you can with the girls. They will remember every moment. They will also remember that dad was too "busy" to spend time with them. So when they're grown with kids of their own and he wants to see them, he shouldn't be surprised when they tell him they're too busy to see him, but maybe he could call Sarah to see if she still needs help with her "bike".
May 29, 2014
This forum is so wonderfully supportive. Here I am again. All day I've been shaky and crying half the time. It's the last day of school and I've probably cried five times so far. Now I'm shaking, crying, and feel like I'm going to throw up, but there's a party to go to. People are retiring and it's the end of the year and I should be happy and going to the party. I genuinely want the support of friends and coworkers, and isolating myself is not good for me, but I am seriously sunk here.
I found out yesterday that after knowing her for 16 days, my husband and Sarah are "intimate." Geez. He's really moved on, and it hurts. It's an ache like if you were stabbed in the stomach with a stick and it was still there. You can't pull it out or you might die, but it is killing you being in, too.
On the bright side, I am surrounded by people who care and love me. That will make all the difference over time. That's the thing, though, time is so slow. I feel like it is going by so slowly that I experience every second excruciatingly slowly.
My husband and I are going to talk tomorrow about a lot of things related to the divorce. I just have to get through that talk without breaking down and wanting him back. My brain knows what to do - let it go, leave, move on; but there is something weird in me that wants to just put the pieces back together and fix it, mend it, tend it, put the world back in order. I know I can't do that, but it is a really strong feeling. Does anyone understand wanting someone back when you know better? Ugh.
I totally understand how you feel, Shelly, and it's normal to feel that way. Just remember that you deserve better. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
It's only natural to feel that desire to want someone back when they've been you're partner in life for such a long time, but you do absolutely deserve better!!!!!!
Even if you did get back together, you could never completely trust him again. Once that trust has been betrayed, it is almost impossible for it can never be fully restored. There will always be a small, nagging doubt in the back of your mind. Any time he had to run an unusual errand or came home later than normal, you would have to wonder if he was with Sarah or someone else.
It IS very hard to be lonely and alone sometimes, but it is far worse to be with someone and still be lonely because they don't give you the attention and devotion you deserve. You do deserve better than that.
Bandnerdtx & Cerek, thank you for saying it's normal. I think I figured out what is causing me to feel like I want to sweep up the pieces and put them back together: fear of the unknown. It is scary to go it alone into an unknown territory. Of course I would like to go back to a simpler time, but not only was it never really simple, there is no way I want to go back at all. I only want to go forward.
Shelly, I feel your pain ......... sent you a PM .....
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