Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by TeacherShelly, May 18, 2014.
Jun 16, 2014
Jun 17, 2014
Shelly, I agree with MrsC. Your last post made me smile.
And you will find that you become a more stronger, independent person when this is all said and done. Will there be days ahead where you don't feel this way? Sure, but as time moves forward, those days will become less and less frequent. And you will find that even though it still hurts, you are much better off.
Thank you, STG, MrsC, and catnfiddle!
Today was another chapter in the "Unbelievable!" book that is my divorce. So you know how we've been trying to hide Sarah from the girls, giving them time to grieve their parents' divorce before introducing new people into the picture? Well, today, we went to give him a belated Father's Day gift at a lunch place and he drives up In Sarah's Car. What the/? I was so mad I left and had him eat with the kids alone. I asked what he was going to say to them about the car and he said, "I'll say I borrowed someone's car. What?! I didn't know I'd see you in the parking lot!" AAAAAGHHHH
So on my alone time I decided he was never ever ever going to keep a commitment about hiding this woman so we should tell the kids the truth and stop treating them like they can't put 2 and 2 together. He didn't want to be there when I told them and I thought he was ashamed of his behavior. But no.
He told them about Sarah, and one of my kids met her once at the apartment, in MID MAY! He said, "Don't tell mom!" and they were forced to bear that secret for a month. Today he said (they knew it was Sarah's car), "Tell mom I borrowed a car if she asks. Don't tell her you know it's Sarah's."
Jun 18, 2014
Sad to say, but I am not terribly surprised.
Selfish, immature people tend to put their own wants above those of others, even their children's.
I am sorry for all of your stress. Can I send some chocolate??
I'm not surprised either. Like Missy said..selfish and immature.
I'm not surprised either.
I don't remember if you've considered counseling for your girls. If not, please do consider it. Maybe family counseling.
Beyond expecting your girls to keep a secret from you, he actually asked them to cover up his affair! What a douche!! How dare he do that to his own daughters!
Be sure to record this for your lawyer. Also record the comment about another mother figure. They may be relevant.
Sorry for all this. You deserve better!
So sorry you are dealing with the *extra* stuff as well!
He's really following the playbook, isn't he? So predictable. If it wasn't so hurtful to your kids, it would be funny.
Jun 25, 2014
This is a good time to say, I'm finally through a lot of the hardest part of breaking up. It's been 5 weeks since I first posted here and I thought I'd never feel as well as I do today. I'm at my sister-in-law's for vacation. On the first day, Friday, I had a gallbladder attack and had to have it removed! I was in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. Somehow during that time, I let go of a lot of stories I've been believing about blame, and a lot of shame that went with it. It's like it went out with the gallbladder (that sounds ridiculous and hilarious to me).
So for all the time I spent wondering and worrying, I am now sitting at the base of a mountain in a lovely home with nature all around me thinking about how things truly move forward at their own natural pace. No one can make the mountain snow melt slower or faster than it is going to, or the rain to fall softly every summer afternoon.
The people here in town, my SIL's friends, jumped in and helped me when I had my surgery. My SIL had to work some of the time so a friend brought me home from the hospital and stopped by the drugstore for pain meds with me. Another friend took both kids for a sleepover and ice cream social. And now the group of them took both kids camping for three nights so I could lay low and recover all on my own. I wish everyone these kind of souls to walk through life with.
I know this is one of those good days and there will still be bad days. However, I know how this can feel and won't worry I'll never feel whole again. Thanks for reading!
Hugs! I'm glad things are starting to look up for you. Stay positive!
What wonderful people have entered your orbit! I'm so glad to hear that you're recovering physically and emotionally, although I despise the circumstances.
Jun 28, 2014
How wonderful that you are being treated well, TeacherShelly. You deserve the respite and the clarity, too. I'm so glad for you.
Jul 5, 2014
So my husband is coming over tomorrow to fill out the divorce paperwork for real. This is really happening.
My big question this week is, who has been lonely? This kind of lonely is not for the weak of heart. It hurts. I read a quote about learning to love one's own company. That sounds good, but really, I need other people!
Good luck tomorrow!
Wish we could all come over with some junk food and silly movies. Personally, I would bring The Muppet Movie (the 1979 one). We're here for you as best we can be.
Jul 6, 2014
Cat, that's one of my all time favorite movies!
Sorry, but why is your husband coming over to do paperwork? You do have a lawyer, right?
I am sure it will be lonely at times, but I can tell from your posts on here that you are a lovely person; turn to your friends and support system. If Cat brings the movie, I will bring the ice cream and hot fudge.
Hope your girls are doing well.
...and I'll bring the wine!
Today was ok. Draining, for sure. We do not have a lawyer, we're trying to do this through mediation. I wanted us to fill out all the paperwork to the best of our ability before meeting with the mediator. We ended up having two big disagreements - child custody and about the house. I think it is probably pretty typical that if problems arise, it's money and kids, right?
Anyway, it's over for now and no, we didn't get the papers filled out yet.
I have been doing some interesting new therapy which is really working for me. It's different, not for everyone, but I have been able to rewrite some old childhood experiences in ways that empower me (and empower the "inner child" who went through the experiences the first time).
In addition I'm reading a book called Buddha's Brain - The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. If anyone else is into this kind of book, it is for people like me who live primarily in my head but have emotional things to work through.
Anyway, this is so helpful to have you guys out there sending me good energy. I'm enjoying the idea of wine, ice cream, hot fudge, The Muppet Movie, and some of the most caring, supportive people I've ever "met." xo
Jul 7, 2014
Get a lawyer. You are in a very emotional state going through a very emotional time and dealing with highly emotionally charged issues. You need someone in your corner who is able to look at things in a more logical lens, can see what needs to be done to reach the goal, and still empathize with what you are going through. Even if you are able to sort things out in mediation, it is still a good idea to have a lawyer you can talk to and discuss details with. If you know anyone who has been through a divorce recently ask for referrals. You are a good person who wants to do what best for the kids, but you also need to protect yourself. Crazy exes tend to pull the rug out from under you when you least expect it. Trust me on this.
I just read this Shelly. You are so strong! Sending virtual comfort food and positive thoughts.
I agree with runs - get a lawyer. You mentioned that you and your spouse couldn't complete the paperwork due to two HUGE issues. You need someone who knows the ins and outs of family law in your area. It would be awful to make a decision you later find hard to live with because of a misunderstanding of your rights, or because you made a poor choice in a moment of weakness or exhaustion with the whole mess. A lawyer has no emotional stake in this, but can be there on your behalf.
You need your own lawyer; it is up to him if he gets one.
I am so sorry.
A mediator is great when both parties agree on the major issues. That doesn't sound like it is your situation. I would go to the meeting with the mediator to see how it goes, but I wouldn't sign anything until I had talked to a lawyer. Maybe the mediator works with one. I just feel you need to protect yourself and your children. Your soon to be ex is motivated to divorce and has his own interests at heart. You might not fully understand all the implications of what you sign. A lawyer would see possible pitfalls, etc. I think it would probably be worth the money in the long-term.
Sending calorie free chocolate and a couple shots of tequila.
I agree that getting a lawyer at this time might be a wise decision.
Teacherintexas, that's great, calorie free! I'm on the divorce diet (20 lbs. down so far) so I can relate to the idea of no cal.
I went ahead and emailed my townhouse complex yahoo group for recommendations about lawyers and it was amazing. Right off the bat, two recommendations plus really sweet, supportive emails came back. I'm really learning how much support is out there and it feels so good.
Husband came by today to drop something off for my daughter. He actually apologized to me for begin so mean yesterday. Okaay.
Anyway, thanks again for the support. I'm feeling the love
Jul 9, 2014
I had a GREAT session with one of my therapists today. She is the inspiration for this post. Even when I have problems, I'm taking care of them. I have tools and 100% confidence I can respond to whatever comes my way. I also have a lot to be grateful for. I am safe as can be, my children are safe as can be, I have support and love out there coming my way, and I can see all this with my heart. My eyes are open. My heart is open. I'm full of gratitude. You are included in this big immense gratitude I feel, so open your heart and let me send it to you!
This is beautiful, TeacherShelly. You are a strong woman--probably much stronger than you ever realized. Once, when I was struggling with my confidence, a good friend told me, "You can, and you will." That has become my mantra whenever I am struggling. You will make it!
I "Like!" your post, MrsC. As usual, actually. I think you and I would make great friends in real life if we lived closer… hugs!
Aug 9, 2014
It's me again, here to reach out for support, again. I'm battling the deep feeling of being ALONE. I realized that no one is there to notice if I'm getting stressed out and might snap at my kids. No one to say, "Hey, I see you're feeling stressed. Let me take over for a while!" There's no one to notice if I've been blue for five days in a row and to say, "Hey, I'm here! I won't let you go down the rabbit hole. You're going to be ok, I promise." Just no one. Alone.
My counselor says to think of it as being "by myself right now," not Alone. Good advice, I think that is really smart thinking. I'm trying. It's not technically true that there is no one, anyway. I have my daughters and several good friends. It's just day to day, I can't and don't want my daughters to be the ones I rely on. They are only 12, they can't handle being my sanity. And friends are there once in a while.
Thanks for reading …
Sending hugs. Have you ever read The Artist's Way? She talks about the importance of taking our artist self out on an artist date once a week. It sounds like you need to take yourself on some sort of stress buster retreat. movie, or bowling, or....whatever YOU want to do BY YOURSELF - no one else allowed. not even the kids. You are allowed to talk to strangers, but the point of the date is to spend positive time by yourself. Just a date. it could be a cup of coffee, or a walk...it sounds like you have started to take yourself for granted...maybe even resent yourself.
I know it sounds silly - but it really is important to spend time appreciating and celebrating you.
ok, I sound corny - and you sound sick of you. But that's WHY it's important.
That is, to me, one of the big differences between alone and by one's self.
You'll be OK. When you are feeling like that, think of all the annoying things you don't have to deal with anymore. I'm sure it will help!
This is going to sound SO corny, but I am reading Eat, Pray, Love and think you might appreciate its perspective. The book, not the movie, mostly because I love the narrative of the author's recovery from her divorce.
Hugs, TeacherShelly. Remember you are a strong woman; you will get through those lonely days. They will happen, but that's natural. Take things one hour, one day at a time. Take care of yourself!
As hard as it may be to imagine doing, can you get out and try doing one new thing on your own? You would be surprised how many of us there are out there in the world who are singe (for me, I don't do romance...so it's a happy choice). I am always at new eateries, book stores, cafes, parks, bike rides, gym time, libraries, long drives, all by myself but I never feel alone. I just feel like I'm going out. I used to depend on others to go places with me until I realized I rather enjoyed the "me" time and I like my own company. Maybe you can try one thing at a time. I promise you, there are many of us by ourselves but we are not alone.
When my husband and I had problems years ago and separated (I was so mad I had the papers served while he was at work, as he is a cop....well, you can see how well that went over), I did the whole working on things with him.
He committed to it 100%, but before we could really make any progress (i.e. him getting past the point that to him it was all my fault), he was deployed to Iraq. That time away changed him for the better, and in hindsight saved our marriage.
That year I felt so alone, even with my best friend living in the house with me. We were separated for all intents and purposes, (who cares what the military said) and I didn't know what would happen when he came back.
I got busy, I found things to do with myself. I tried that diet I always wanted to try, I got a job (this was just before I finished my teaching credential), I expanded my circle of friends.
While I got the opposite of what you did in trying to fix things, I do know totally how you feel about the being alone bit. It hurts your heart, you felt part of a whole for years and suddenly, poof it is gone. It is like a piece is missing. Yet when you think of that missing piece the negative feelings flood you and fill you with negativity.
It is okay to mourn the life you used to have, the partnership you used to have... no matter how broken it turned out to be. Some people may tell you that "good riddance, you are better off without him" after what he did, but you were a pair for YEARS! You adjusted to it.
Mourn for that like you would a loved one, because to you, it was a loved one. Don't let people pressure you to "get over it" before you are ready. That said, go do something new, just one thing. Join a dance class, or a bible study, or a knitting circle, whatever strikes your fancy. Do something that you wouldn't have done with him around but always wanted to.
That one thing can make all the difference in helping you feel like you again, instead of a half of you because your other half is gone.
I hope this made sense to you.
Aug 10, 2014
Do you keep a journal? I know they aren't for everyone, but I have found over the years that writing is a great way for me to vent my feelings in a safe way (not taking it out on others) and make sense of my thoughts. I also use it to look back at what I've been through and reflect. You don't have to write every day if you don't want to; there really aren't any hard and fast rules to keeping a journal. When you fill one notebook you can stash it in the basement and never look at it, keep it close and reread it, or just burn it. I have diaries and journals going all the way back to my early teens. It's amazing to see how far I've come when I go back and reread entries.
Scissors, journaling (or in my case, blogging) probably saved my life. I really enjoyed blogging on Wordpress because I could "tag" posts with topics, and I quickly built a group of followers who were going through similar struggles. We had our own online support group. It was very cathartic...
I have the feeling of being alone several times in this past year, but I look back and notice that there are more days where I felt great about being by myself and embrace being that way. It takes awhile, but you will get to that point. And just remember if you start feeling down, you always have us to help pick you back up!
Separate names with a comma.