Painful but… here goes.

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by TeacherShelly, May 18, 2014.

  1. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    May 19, 2014

    :hugs: Like some of the others have said, I really wish I had more to say aside from how sorry I am that this has happened. You did the right thing to separate from this man because once someone hits you, they'll do it again and again. Or, even if they don't hit you, they can abuse you mentally, which is just as bad, if not worse because while the body eventually pulls itself back together, emotional scars are a lot harder to mend.

    It sounds like your husband has some serious issues and if he is not willing to get the proper help, as painful as it is, you need to stay far away from him. I know you don't want to keep your children from their father, but if it was me, I would make sure that my kids knew if their dad ever made them feel the least bit uncomfortable or threatened, that they could tell me no matter what and then I would take the issue to the courts.

    :hugs: again, I'm very sorrry :(
     
  2. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    May 19, 2014

    I'm sorry. I really like Loveslabs quote about beginning your walk through fire. When you're in the middle of tough times, it does feel like the flames are surrounding you. But in time, things will be better. It may be a while yet though. Get your ducks in a row and take care of yourself. You're going to want to be strong for your girls, but you'll need an hour or two here and there for yourself. And that's ok.

    Hugs and best wishes for you. Vent away here. We'll be therapy 2.0.
     
  3. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    May 20, 2014

    Shelley~you know that I have been down this road as well and will here for you whenever you need it. I had the same thoughts and feelings that you did when I first decided to divorce my ex. I still sometimes think that maybe I didn't fight hard enough to make it work, but looking back, it wasn't ME, it was HIM. And now I'm ok with that. I see what my life has been like the past 7 months since the divorce (and even a few months before), and I couldn't ask for a more perfect post-divorce life. I have learned so much more about myself and I am loving the person I am. That will come in time. And like another poster said, there will be good days and bad days, but as time goes back, the good will definitely start to outweight the bad.
     
  4. stephenpe

    stephenpe Connoisseur

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    May 20, 2014

    Good luck Shelly. Many women endure that sh^%t for years. I am not saying you are lucky in any way but life will get better as you learn to be single again. I wish you joy and peace again soon. The old saying when a door closes another opens and now you have experiences to make even better decisions. Hugs to you and your girls......
     
  5. webmistress

    webmistress Devotee

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    May 20, 2014

    I am so sorry for what you are going through:hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  6. Jem

    Jem Aficionado

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    May 20, 2014

    Sent you a PM, Shelly. Thinking about you constantly.
     
  7. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    May 20, 2014

    I have to read all the prior replies more carefully… but … last night at our counseling session, he said those three words, "I want out." That was the final word on it. So it is officially over. 15 years of marriage plus 5 years living together (to make sure we were sure!) before that, over. One weird thing is that my anniversary means nothing now. It's written on the inside of his wedding ring with my initials - garbage.

    Have you ever cried so long the whole world looks foggy? I know lots of us have, and for bigger hurts than this. This does really hurt. Like I can't breathe.
     
  8. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    May 20, 2014

    No words just sending hugs!!!!
     
  9. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    May 20, 2014

    Thank you for the PMs and amazing support. BandnerdTX, I'm sorry you had such an ordeal in 2008. Great advice, too, I'm getting an attorney.

    Loveslabs, yes, it is hard to imagine a smile on my face, but I do believe you and everyone who says this is a blessing in disguise, or something to make me stronger. Today I feel so much stronger than yesterday. I'm more resolved to take care of details and get it all over with. Sometimes, in stress, I unconsciously turn things into projects I can sink my teeth into - to avoid feeling the feelings. It's like a coping/denial technique.

    Em_Catz, I am going to ask our counselor (I see her by myself later today) about him and what kind of safety net is needed for the kids to always be safe. They are compliant girls and have not yet stood up to him on anything - but they are on the verge of teenage and we all know their job will be to separate from us by asserting themselves. What will he do when they are not easy-peasy? I worry about that.

    SCmom, thank you!

    Creativemonster, interesting - I had not thought about stashing money just in case. Good idea.

    DrivingPigeon, your dad failed you miserably. I'm so sorry for all of us who had abysmal failures in our childhood.

    Diznee - the girls have our adult friends' phone numbers programmed into their phones. They seem so ok - but they must be hurting…? I am thankful for a support system.

    STG - you have been and continue to be a wonderful support for me. Thank you! Your story inspires me. You got your divorce right when my husband and I separated.

    Rabbit, I like that idea: my own rock.

    Catnfiddle and teacherintexas, you are right that this community is amazing and so helpful. Therapy 2.0, I love it.

    You know every one of your posts make me cry. I think it's a healing kind of cry, or a "wonder" kind of cry because so many people actually care. I hope I can be that kind of help to someone some day.
     
  10. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    May 20, 2014

    Breathe.

    I know this is horrible for you. I've never been through it myself, but a few years ago one of my girlfriends went through a very similar situation. Her husband never physically hurt her, but he was about as absent a father as one could be while still physically present. He did nothing to help with the raising of their son, golfed, worked, drank heavily toward the end. The final straw was when she found out about his extracurricular online activities. I remember her calling me long distance to tell me what was going on. At that point they were "separated" but still living in the same house. She was hanging on to hope that he would change, but he never saw his behaviors as a problem. I think he was/is clinically depressed but refused to admit it. Long story short they have been divorced for three years, and she is back to being the bubbly happy person I knew back in college. When she was married no one in our group ever heard from her more than once every 6 months, and if they did the calls never lasted more than 10 or 15 minutes.

    The point is this. There is light at the end of this tunnel. It may take a while, but you will get there. I'd suggest you not worry about dating or men or Match.com for now. You do NOT need a rebound relationship. Get to know yourself and settle into life as a single mom. Read all summer if you want. Crochet enough stuff to make a killing at the craft fairs this fall. Journal. Sit by the pool. Go to your girls' sporting events or take them to the mall. Above all, don't forget to take care of yourself. Hugs and prayers coming.
     
  11. ChristyF

    ChristyF Moderator

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    May 20, 2014

    Let yourself greive. This is a death of sorts. Don't be afraid to let your girls see you cry. And... don't be afraid to laugh at something silly. Sending many many hugs and prayers your way!!
     
  12. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    May 21, 2014

    :thumb:

    That's excellent advice Christy. When i came through my own similar storm, I thought I was being strong by holding it all in, but looking back I can see I was busting at the emotional seams.

    You're making the right choice to talk to a counselor and working through your feelings. I know it's hard and scary, but you'll find you are stronger than you think. I won't lie and say it was easy when I worked through my feelings, but i feel stronger and more grounded now.

    Much peace, love and blessings sent to you.
     
  13. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    May 21, 2014

    I've posted here before but when the right amount of time has passed for you to start feeling back to our old self, I wish you & your daughters much contentment & many fun times. Start with a bang reinventing life!
     
  14. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    May 21, 2014

    Runsw/scissors, your friend sounds a little like me. I was different in that I'd go do social things with our friends by myself. He would stay home. I was also hanging on to hope he would change, but he never saw his behavior as a problem. Not until he exploded.
    Christy, you are almost quoting my counselor. She said it is like a death. I guess I can predict the process I'll go through, then. Thanks for your words.

    Ms.I, thank you for your ideas, too. I'm committed to being myself and creating contentment and fun times with my girls right from the start. On the other hand, they will see me cry, and that's good for them, too.

    Tonight I have to go to my daughter's choir concert. I'm so looking forward to it - she got a solo! - but I have to see my husband, sit with him, and be cordial and friendly. I'll do it for my kids.

    ETA: ^^^ That sounds so victim-like - I edit that to say, I'll do it by focusing on the good part! :)
     
  15. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

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    May 21, 2014

    I think you can do this. You are a strong person who stands by her convictions. You can stand with your estranged husband to stand by and for your daughter.
     

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