New Teacher--Afraid of Parents

Discussion in 'General Education' started by MsBee, Mar 16, 2009.

  1. MsBee

    MsBee Devotee

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    Mar 16, 2009

    How do you deal?
    Because I am a student teacher I have not had a lot of contact with parents so I don't know how to talk to them or handle situations.
    I know parents are just "regular" people. I have met three parents but it was because they were just kind of around and my CT introduced them.
    There was a parent today that came to a school function and I didn't say a word to her. I just acted like I didn't see her because I didn't know what to say.

    Are all new teachers afraid of parents or is it just me? Besides a simple hi how are you(which to me does not seem so simple) what else do you say.
     
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  3. Canadian Gal

    Canadian Gal Habitué

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    Mar 16, 2009

    I was petrified (and still really am petrified) I have taught in schools before the one I am now, where parents really didn't care, so contact between parents and the school was minimal. I just make sure to have documentation of EVERYTHING I do so that I can back myself up when I have conferences or phone calls.
     
  4. Muttling

    Muttling Devotee

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    Mar 16, 2009

    There bad parents out there that are a problem, but the VAST majority are GREAT. Seek them out, you will be rewarded. They do appreciate you and they do want to hear from you.


    As a rule of thumb, I make a minimum of 3 calls to brag on students for every negative call I make. When I have a student being a pill in my class, I wind up making a lot more calls. It makes that one difficult call a lot easier to deal with when I've called Johnny's mom to say "Johnny has scored in the 90's on my last 3 quizzes and exams. You should be really proud of him."

    Also, I make sure to follow up gripe calls with appreciation calls after the student's behavior/ grade has changed.

    My biggest problem is with my ESL students as numbers are often disconnected or the parents don't speak english. I'm still working on how to be more effective with my ESLs.
     
  5. monsieurteacher

    monsieurteacher Aficionado

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    Mar 16, 2009

    I wouldn't say all new teachers are afraid of parents, but I do think it's fairly common to not know what to do or say in that sort of situation.

    I have to say that something that really helped me was just the way I was brought into teaching. I started off in a long term sub position as a Resource teacher, which involved attending many meetings with parents. Often I was only there to give a report on how the student was doing, but I was able to see how the principal, vice principal, guidance counselor and teacher interacted with parents. I was able to pick up some great habits from these people.

    The one I learned to use the most, particularly when you have a difficult parent, is to talk to them as if you're working toward the same goal. Often they will want to make it a parents vs. school thing, but if you are clear that you want what's best for Little Johnny and you look forward to hearing his parents' insights, it can break down the walls. If a parent feels as though their concerns are being heard, they are much less likely to get defensive.

    It doesn't work all the time, unfortunately. I had a mother come in for a meeting with me at the beginning of the year. She was quite upset with the school from the previous year (some concerns were even legitimate to a certain extent). This meeting went round and round, telling why her child was so defiant because he has no trust in the people in this school, and neither does she as a mother.

    I was very careful in my response to this, as I didn't want to say anything against my new school, so I validated her response... "I understand that you have no trust in this school, so what do you see me doing to be able to build that trust back?" It not only lets them know that you're listening, but it also puts the onus on them to be part of the solution. Unfortunately, this woman was not ready for this, and didn't really have any ideas to help.
     
  6. MrsC

    MrsC Multitudinous

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    Mar 16, 2009


    "Hello. I'm MsBee, a student teacher in Mrs. CTs class. Are you Johnny's parents? I'm really enjoying spending time in Johnny's class getting to know him and all of the other students. I've noticed that Johnny really likes/is very keen about/ has lots of questions about _____. Is he as interested in this at home as well?" If the parents are "talkers" they will guide the converstion from here; if they aren't, this will suffice.

    As you said, parents are people too and the one important thing you have in common is their child. One important thing to remember, when you have your own classroom, is to make your first contact and conversation with parents a positive one. Make an introductory phone call very early in the year with a piece of good news; it will go far in establishing a positive working relationship.
     
  7. raneydae

    raneydae Companion

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    Mar 16, 2009

    Strangely, of all the difficulties I'm having as a first year teacher, I've never been afraid of parents. I think because I've worked with parents a lot in my previous jobs. I don't have kids yet, but I think parents are just people. They are invested in their kids and know a lot about them, but they don't know everything in the world about how to raise kids, just as when I have my own kids, I won't know everything about being a parent either. We all kind of make it up as we go along.

    I think that parents want to know what their kid is like when they are not with them. Parents may be older than me, but we are both adults now and I'm in the position of being their teacher. They may know their child best, but I know them in my classroom. We're both aiming for the same goal.
     
  8. ACardAttack

    ACardAttack Companion

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    Mar 16, 2009

    I work in retail, so I'll have that under my belt before going into teaching, there were a lot of good customers and a few bad apples...parents will be the same way. Just do not take it personal no matter what. It will take some time, but you'll be fine with them
     
  9. txteach2b

    txteach2b Comrade

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    Mar 17, 2009

    Speaking of bad apples....my first year as a para was quite interesting. I caught one student trying to cheat on his test. I told him to take his test to the office and finish it there. He mumbled something while on his way out the door, and I just knew it wasn't good.

    I followed him out the door just a few seconds later, and he had already disappeared. I wandered the halls looking for him. I found out later he went to the bathroom and called his mother.

    By the time I got back to the hall that leads to the office, a she spotted me and motioned for me to come over there. She got in my face, literally a couple of inches from my nose and demanded to know what my problem was with her son. That infuriated me. I was surprised to realize I reacted better than I thought I was (although I was so angry I could hardly catch my breath, I spoke calmly). I told her she didn't have any reason to be talking to me in that tone of voice, and she demanded again. I told her I didn't have a problem with her son, it's just that he was cheating on a test....blah blah blah.

    The AP heard the commotion and we took it into his office. The mom tried to blame his laziness by passing it off as ADD/ADHD. This kid wouldn't do but one or two math problems the whole 55 minutes we were in class! I went back to the class and gathered all his incomplete work and left it with the AP, and they worked out some sort of agreement....mainly that I not deal directly with him for a couple of weeks. Fine w/ me! By the end of the year, we were OK.

    As an end note....this young man is now a senior. He's in the work study program, and he doesn't come to campus. I saw him around October, and he actually gave me a hug! I was shocked!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2009
  10. iheart5thgrade

    iheart5thgrade Comrade

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    Mar 17, 2009

    I'm in my third year of teaching and still not "great" about feeling comfortable talking to parents. I used to think it was just "me" and "my personality"...but I had a lightbulb moment one day this year and realized it wasn't me.....

    I have been watching other teachers interact with parents and I noticed one common theme....the teacher at some point turned the conversation toward the teacher's OWN child and things that her own daughter/son was doing...

    It was like a lightbulb moment for me. I'm not a parent, so maybe THAT'S why I feel so weird around parents. We don't have much in common. I mean, a conversation about "I love having your child in class" can only last so long. Once that conversation is up, a teacher can start talking about her own child. I can't do that.

    Don't know if this will make you feel any better, but it has helped me to realize what is wrong with my parent-teacher skills!
     
  11. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Mar 17, 2009

    I'm a parent. I'm 5'4". I'm not so scary.

    The thing to keep in mind is that we're not adversaries. We both want the kids to get all they can out of the experience. We want them to find success and love learning and develop a passion for education.

    Additonally, we love those little kids with our whole hearts and souls. (Even the 9 year old currently in the midst of a meltdown upstairs, the one I want to kill.) So if you can find something about the light of my life that you also like, it will help our relationship immensely. I can't tell you how many times I've told a parent that I really enjoy their child and would LOVE if ___ moved in next door to me, but he's having trouble passing math.
    So approach parents the same way you would approach any other member of your team.
     
  12. Ranchwife

    Ranchwife Companion

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    Mar 17, 2009

    I felt just like you up until a few years ago - about 8 years into my teaching profession. I hated parent conflict and dealing with irate (sp?) parents. My fear of parents stemmed from a parent threatening to sue me for losing her daughter's math papers. The situation was handled by the Superintendent, instead of my principal, and I wasn't allowed by the parents or the super to have support during the meeting. If I knew then what I know now, that situation would have never happened. Since that time, I became proactive in my dealing with parents. I made sure my grades were constantly up to date (no more than two days out), I communicated with them about how to get missing assignments (via my website), how to see their child's grade, how to see what was going on in classes (web site), and I started making sure assignments were done in class so as to relieve pressure on the parents. Basically, I gave them no real reason to have to call me. This seems to have worked because I haven't had any issues with any parent since I started doing this. Maybe it was the coward's way of dealing with parents, but it worked for me and my classes are very successful.

    Like others have said earlier, good listening and communicating skills are a definate must, as well as having a list of diffusers on hand to move a situation along (nonetheless, probably so, etc). These words prevent a regressive spiral when dealing with parents who won't move on. Good luck, and know that dealing with parents does get easier!
     
  13. sevenplus

    sevenplus Connoisseur

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    Mar 17, 2009

    I used to feel that way. I'm not the kind of person that can just walk up to someone and easily start a converation, so I think part of it is just my personality.

    In my early years of teaching I think I thought there were "things" that teachers were supposed to know to say, or there were "things" that parents were expecting a teacher who knew what she was doing to say and I didn't know what those "things" were.


    It's easy now, really. I'm always positive. And I approach any problem as one that I know the parent(s) and I can work through together. We really are a team and we both want their child to be successful.

    I also realize that I DO have some important things to say. At the same time I recognize and acknowledge that the parent is the "expert" on this particular child.
     
  14. MsBee

    MsBee Devotee

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    Mar 17, 2009

    I'm glad to know I am not the only one who feels or felt like this. I felt so dumb when I ignored that parent the other day but I honestly had nothing to say. How rude of me!! lol
     
  15. leighbball

    leighbball Virtuoso

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    Mar 17, 2009

    I'm not a confrontational or even very assertive person when it comes to other adults, so I tend to be nervous during the orientation day and Back to School Night. But once I get into it, I'm fine. I could easily speak in front of the whole school of students though with no problem...lol.

    I also constantly remind the parents that we work as a team for their child. I think that helps to establish a good rapport with them...I know I have expertise as a teacher, but they have the better background of the kid.
     
  16. Muttling

    Muttling Devotee

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    My stand by is to fall back on what a student knows and build from there. You can do the same here.


    Call the parent of your best student or the student who did something really great this week and brag on them. I bet you brag to others about your pride in your students from time to time. It's easy and you already know how to do it. Make calls to brag on your students and go from there.


    Many of my parents are apprehensive when I say, "It's Mr Mutt from the highschool, I'm Johnny's math teacher." I usually get a bit of silence. Then I cut in to say, "I just wanted to let you know how good a job Johnny is doing in my class........"

    It typically ends with, "Thank you, I've never had a teacher call when things were going good."


    You set your students up for success, do the same for yourself. This is where confidence begins.
     
  17. Missy99

    Missy99 Connoisseur

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    Mar 17, 2009

    Great advice -- and "sunshine calls" help you establish a prior rapport with parents that can come in handy when or if you have to contact them with not-so-happy news!
     
  18. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    Mar 18, 2009

    Ignoring a parent out of fear is probably the one of the worse things to do. A simple hello at least shows you're aware that they are a parent. Every single thing you can say after that which isn't directly negative is helpful. If you mention the name of their child, it shows you're more aware of who they are.

    Likely you know their child well enough to know something of their personality. Likes, dislikes, etc. You can even bring up negative traits in a positive manner, particularly if it's not linked to something specific.

    After all, imagine a boss who only contacts you to criticize and complain, who blames you for things your students do while they're not in your class (at specials or recess or something, maybe). Such a boss would be purely punishing to you; you'd never want to see them. That's the way parents can sometimes feel about teachers.
     

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