need your perspective, please!

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Loves the beach, Aug 3, 2011.

  1. Loves the beach

    Loves the beach Companion

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    Aug 3, 2011

    I would really appreciate your ideas on this issue I'm facing. I am very bitter toward someone I frequently encounter. I prefer not to say who, except that this person is not easily avoidable. I'll call him "John".

    John is a very popular person with almost everyone I know. However, I find his actions very untactful. Bitterness is growing, and I feel like it's eating me up. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it, because he's so well-liked by all my friends and family. I just feel all alone in my bitterness.

    The main thing that I dislike about John is that he comes off as being superior. He belittles the decisions I make and the accomplishments I achieve, and I am very tired of taking this. I want to speak up, because it just doesn't seem right to allow this person to tear me down. But I just know I'll come across as being the "bad" one if I stand up for myself. So many people find his actions funny. I sure don't. It hurts me badly, and I think about it frequently.

    I want to stand up to him next time he belittles me. I don't want to come across as a jerk, but I don't want to continue with this treatment. I'd like to tactfully get the point across that I don't like being treated this way. I just seem to be at a loss of words whenever he's around.

    I'm not very outgoing, so I've often allowed people to trample on my feelings because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. But it's time to turn over a new leaf. What would you all do? I need some perspective on this.
     
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  3. Loves the beach

    Loves the beach Companion

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    After reading my post, I realize it is hard to give specific advice on a situation as vague as mine. I guess I just really need to hear from people who sympathize and know of actions I may want to take to deal with this. Maybe there's something you've tried that worked well.
     
  4. GoldenPoppy

    GoldenPoppy Habitué

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    Aug 3, 2011

    I would start with a very cool to cold look the minute he says something that I consider to be inappropriate, followed by, "And your point is?" in a tone of voice that says I am not at all appreciative of what was said. Repeat as necessary.

    I do sympathize. If this has been going on for quite a while (as it sounds like it has) then it's going to take several rebuttals on your part to get him to stop. Is there someone else in this "group" of people that you could speak with and they could become an ally to help put him in his place? I know you said he is very popular with the group, but there might be one who has been on the receiving end of his nonsense and would want to join forces with you.
     
  5. Loves the beach

    Loves the beach Companion

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    Thank you! I'll try that.

    Everyone in the group has grown up around this person, and they go along with his actions. A couple of people have been hurt by his actions, but they insist that he's "just that way". They just live with the remarks.
     
  6. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    Aug 3, 2011

    You could just blow up at him. You have to steel yourself to do it, and prepare what you're going to say (if you think you can, I'd consider adding a few swear words in there. I'd advise it, actually, unless it would truly make you a pariah). It has to be an angry blowup, not a weepy one.

    The idea of this would be to shock him. If you're not the type to do so, it can work quite well. Force him to walk on eggshells around you because he wants to avoid that reaction again.

    I've used this once on someone who was repeatedly saying things to me I didn't like (and after I'd asked them to stop, but they didn't take me seriously). They didn't talk to me for about a month, which really wasn't a huge loss, and then eventually they did. But they never disrespected me again.

    It has some side benefits. If everyone knows him, they'll hardly blame you, and may well develop new respect for you.

    Oh, I also found it a bit easier when I wasn't actually that mad, but I'd decided previously that the next time they made such a remark, I was going to start yelling.
     
  7. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    Aug 3, 2011

    I'll give you a specific example. My mom (who is elderly,) and loves to talk about her church and goes to church, was always belittled by someone in our family. He would make jokes about church and praying. It hurt her deeply. One day she hollered really loud at him, saying this..."I love church and prayers and you have no right to talk to me like that so stop it right now!"
    That was the last time he ever teased her.
    So, my advice to you is to blow up in his face, but choose your words carefully.
     
  8. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Aug 3, 2011

    I'm not a blower-upper, so the yelling thing wouldn't work for me. I'd probably go with something like, "Why would you say something like that?" and see where it goes from there. If it continued, I'd probably say, "If you're going to continue belittling me and my choices, I'm not interested in speaking to you." And then I'd leave. I know you said that it's difficult to avoid this person, but I think it might be in your best interest if you find a way to at least severely minimize your contact with him.
     
  9. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Aug 3, 2011

    I'm sorry you have someone like this in your life who you must see quite occasionally. Let's say it's your boss, always stay professional & do your best job, but there's no need to make small talk, etc. Hopefully, your actions will speak better than words. Now, whether he acknowledges it, who knows. If it's a coworker who's at your same level, mk the best of it, stay professional, but try to avoid the person as much as possible.

    Let's say it's your father (or other important family member), well you're a grown adult & just because the person may be related to you, doesn't mean you have to "stay on his good side", etc. If he's screwed you over & disappointed you that many times, you don't have to see him. If there's a family function, if you still want to go, go, but that doesn't mean you have to speak to him.

    Depending on who it is, really think about how telling off this person will result for you down the line. If you really have to stand up to this person, but your livelihood, etc. may be affected, maybe think twice unless you can get out of the situation where you no longer have to deal w/ the person.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to say who the actual person is & I could try to better help! Good luck!

    My boyfriend's own father is a real ass. Fortunately, I never really have to see him. My BF has finally gotten to the point recently where he's realized he's been giving his dad way too many chances all these yrs & he's through w/ him. I say bravo because I never cared for his dad anyway. (His twin bro's the same as his dad unfortunately.)
     
  10. Loves the beach

    Loves the beach Companion

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    It's funny how different I am at school. I know I have to be confident to do my job, so I force myself to be confident. But when I drive away, I turn into my old self. I become a people-pleaser who keeps things bottled inside. Then one day it all has to come out! I think I'm at that point. : )

    Thank you for your replies. I have some things to think about. I know that I'm just going to have to say something to this person. If I can be confident at work, I can be confident outside of work. It's just going to take a huge leap of faith! Not sure when I'll see him next. We'll see what happens!
     
  11. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    "Blowing up" doesn't have to be really loud hollering either. You can ask him, "How does it make you feel when you talk to me like that?" Keep asking him questions if you have to and see what happens.
     
  12. Blue

    Blue Aficionado

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    Aug 3, 2011

    My mother would often tell my SIL off. He was a jerk, and always said the most hurtful stuff. After everyone calmed down, he would say that he deserved it and he needed someone to kick his a** every once in a while to straighten him out.

    Now that he has grown older, matured, and gotten to know all of us better, his behaviour has changed.

    Sometimes it takes someone to point out how bad it is.
     
  13. IEDUK8

    IEDUK8 Rookie

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    Aug 3, 2011

    I'm not sure "blowing up" would be effective. If he feels superior, the act of you puffing out your chest will rarely cause him to shrink back. It will cause him to stand taller. Blowing up accomplishes two things: 1. He's won. He riled your feathers enough to cause you to explode. 2. You're showing the world that you can be just as immature, if not moreso, than John.

    If/When he says something that offends you, say, "John, may I speak to you for a moment in private?" (This, at once, reduces him going on the defensive) "John, sometimes I feel that you don't realize that you say things that hurt my feelings. You may not mean to, or you may feel it's all in jest but --"
    "Oh, lighten up! You're just too high-strung."
    "Please let me finish. When you say things, my feelings get hurt and I'm going to ask that you start thinking about what you want to say or HOW you'll say it to me. I'm just speaking for myself, understand. Thanks so much." And then re-join the group before he has a chance to retaliate.

    If it continues, then perhaps when the group gets together and he's part of it... you bow out. No, you shouldn't have to bow out for one person, but if he's not willing to change, then why should you have to endure his demeaning manner, either?

    Good luck to you.
     
  14. missjessica

    missjessica Rookie

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    Aug 3, 2011

    If you're not the type to "blow up" then maybe just brush it off. My best friend in high school was always very condescending. I've just accepted who she is. If I absolutely hated it, I wouldn't talk to her anymore.
    If this is someone you can't avoid, I honestly wouldn't mention anything to him. From what you wrote, it seems like he'd be the type of guy to say, "Geez! Calm down and don't take things so seriously!" He might even tell other people. I think I'd do what Poppy said and just say something short and simple like, "And your point is...?"
     
  15. missjessica

    missjessica Rookie

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    Aug 3, 2011

    Also...I don't know how old he is but he seems slightly immature and jealous. The only people who belittle other people's achievements are just insecure. Just keep that in mind. :)
     
  16. sjnkate

    sjnkate Rookie

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    Aug 3, 2011

    If you've never told him that you don't appreciate his behavior then going straight to shouting might not be the best choice. I would pull him aside and tell him that it bothers you and to stop. If that doesn't work then I like Grammy Teacher's example of "blowing up".
    Telling him firmly to stop is reasonable. I wouldn't use bad language though, especially if this person is a coworker.
     
  17. Irishdave

    Irishdave Enthusiast

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    Aug 3, 2011

    Next time he belittles you tell him he is making up for Sexual Inadequacy....... No better not

    Next time he belittles you tell him "well, I like ( whatever he is belittling )" and don't say another thing and walk away
    or
    Say it and give him "the look" you know that look that women have inbred in them and don't say anything, .....what do you do when some just looks (stares) at you?
    You can be aggressive, passive aggressive or passive, depends what he will be the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE with.
    In the long run the less you say the more is heard.
     
  18. Loves the beach

    Loves the beach Companion

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    Aug 4, 2011

    After thinking about this, I don't think blowing up is the route I should take. I think clever, calm, and persistent is the way to go. I don't want to come across as weak. That, I think, will be the hardest part.
     

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