So right now I have 4 bridesmaids for the wedding, and they are pretty much the 4 I have picked out for a long time. They are my 2 sisters and my 2 best friends. My one friend lives kind of far from me and has 2 young children. The other is having some health problems right now and is kind of flaky. I just don't feel like I can rely on her. My one sister is 12, and the other one is in Africa. She is probably the one I would rely on the most to help with the wedding and plan the shower and other BM responsibilities, but because she just started the Peace Corps, she won't be here for the any pre-wedding stuff, and she might not even be here for the actual wedding. So essentially, I am down a bridesmaid, and my most reliable bridesmaid at that. I want to ask my cousin A to be a bridesmaid. We are close because when her parents divorced she was at our house all the time. But she is closer in age to my sister. In addition to seeing her as kind of another sister, she would also be a stand-in for my sister (but I wouldn't want to tell her that) because I know she would be reliable, organized, take charge in putting things together, etc, and I know she would also have the same opinions as my sister. However, I think my cousin M would be offended. She and I are closer in age and were always sort of coupled up together, if that makes sense. But I really don't want to ask her to be a BM. I just feel like she would bring too much drama to the situation. She is unreliable, she never has money, she probably won't wear a dress... I was already worried that she would be upset that I didn't ask her in the first place and I really think she would be offended if I asked the other cousin and not her. (She gets offended really easily, especially about family stuff). Part of me thinks that it's my wedding and I should do what I want, but then part of what I want is to not have her annoyed or mad at me. I know ultimately I have to figure out how to handle this and that I know them both better than you do, but I didn't know if anyone had any advice to offer. Sometimes it helps just to talk things out with you guys.
Can you give Cousin M a designation as a reader or something? That's what I did for a friend who helped us so much through our ceremony but wasn't my attendant (we only had one each, and her husband was best man).
I agree with Cat. Give her something else for the wedding to plan or do, that way she still feels special but you don't have to deal with her drama (hopefully).
I have a teacher friend getting married in a few months and she decided to go with no attendants because of the family drama, long distance friends, etc. She just explained to everyone that the wedding was going to be simple and this is what she and her finance had decided to do.
Along the lines of what Swansong said, my cousin also just decided not to have a wedding party to simplify things. I'm helping her out as much as I can and I think a few of her friends are as well. No one is offended that they're not a bridesmaid. I like catnfiddle's suggestion of giving her another job that would make her happy but also prevent her from being a bridesmaid. If that doesn't work for you, well, it's your wedding. You have the right to do as you please, but drama will add a lot of stress. I was in a wedding last year and the bride had to kick out a bridesmaid! She was causing a lot of friction and preventing things from getting done. It was an awkward situation for everyone, especially the bride.
I think was the pps have said make good sense. I don't have any new ideas, but I feel your confusion about the family/friendship politics since I am kind of in the same boat. I have four attendants as does Sweets, but we both come from bigger families. We decided to make the wedding strictly a family affair as far as attendants are concerned. I am not sure who will do readings and such, but his step-sister will be the singer at the ceremony.
In my first wedding (which was my only "big" wedding), I did what another poster suggested, but rather than having NO bridesmaids, I just had my sister. I explained to my friends and other family that we want to keep it small and intimate. No one could begrudge me choosing my sister. I'm SO glad I made that choice! We made it through drama free.
And that's why I kept it to the 4 I did. My 2 best friends have been besties for a very long time, and then my 2 sisters. I thought I was good and no one would begrudge that decision. But since my one sister won't be here I just feel like I need a support person. Who has the "lady in waiting" thing - I remember that being a regional thing. Maybe I can just ask her to do that. lol.
As a two time bridesmaid (and one of those times being a maid of honor), I can say from experience that both of my bride friends experienced some level of backlash from their attendant decisions. Neither bride, however, regretted her decision. They made the right choices in regards to the level of closeness of each girl as well as looking at how much she was willing to put into the wedding. It sounds so petty, but you have to consider practical questions like "Will/can she pay for her dress?" "Will she actually help plan a shower?" The most important thing is that you enjoy your big day and that bridesmaids who love and support you are standing up there with you. Anyone who supports you would be classy enough to keep her complaints about not being a bridesmaid to herself.
Besides, who says that just because they're NOT bridesmaids (both cousins), doesn't mean they (the reliable cousin) can't help plan or give feedback!
If you want to avoid the drama all together, I might just ask both cousins to be bridesmaids- that way the more responsible cousin can still help with the shower/planning but the less responsible one doesn't feel left out. If she doesn't chip in much, it's no different than not having her as a BM at all! If you don't want both of them, personally I would pick the more responsible one and tell everyone it's your day and they can get over it!
Could the other cousin be hostess (I don't know if that's the lady in waiting thing)... She makes sure that the flowers and things of the wedding day run smoothly... As for cousins...I had my sis, a cousin and neighbor. I had a cousin that was closer in age...we were closer as small girls, but as we got older I hung out more with the cousin that was in it. Like you the cousin that was in it was more reliable...I don't think my other cousin was offended at all that she wasn't involved at all. It's YOUR day (along with hubby to be) YOU have to do what you know will work best...
