Need advice for my son...

Discussion in 'General Education' started by tiffharmon2001, Aug 24, 2009.

  1. tiffharmon2001

    tiffharmon2001 Comrade

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    Aug 24, 2009

    I posted a month or so ago for advice about putting my son in my PreK class versus putting him in the class next door. Well, against my better judgement, I put him in the class next door. All of my mom instincts told me not to, but everyone around me said I shouldn't have in my room.
    Today is our third day of school and I already had to have my husband come and pick him up. It has been an absolute nightmare to have him next door. He screams and cries whenever I take him to class in the morning. He runs out and over here 10 times a day and then it's the same thing again to get him back to class. He won't sit at the lunch table because I'm in there. He just follows me around and says "I want you mom."
    I've tried to just hand him over and walk away, but then I can hear him through the walls. I have resisted the urge to intervene until today. I don't even know what started it, but he did not want to go to music class. The student teacher had to carry him in and then he threw a fit and hit the teachers. His regular teacher took him back to class with her and when he saw me walk by, he came running out.
    I had him call his dad and they talked about it and he said he would go back to class. He got there in time to go get the class from music and when he found out that he missed it, he went off again. I just went and got him and called my husband to pick him up. I put him in a chair in my room and he sat there until dad came. Once he was in my room for about 30 seconds, he calmed down and just sat in the chair.
    I don't know what to do. I'm really angry with him for acting like that, but I can also kind of see his side. Every time he sees me in the hall it's like getting dropped off all over again. I'm also really embarrassed because I know it's already gone through the school that I had to send my own son home today.

    Just a side note, I have an appointment with the psycholgist tomorrow to talk about getting some evaluations for ADHD...don't know if it will help with this or not.

    Please give me some ideas to make this easier for him. My girls (3 of them) NEVER had any problem like this at school.
     
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  3. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    Aug 24, 2009

    I know it is hard, but you are going to have to let go. Don't talk to the teacher. Have Dad handle things. Tell him over and over again that at school you are Ms. _____ and at home you are mom. With my daughter I went as far as calling her Miss M...., she is in 1st grade and totally ignores me now. I have been on both sides of the fence. My dad was the principal and my mom worked in the school. I didn 't have a problem, but my dad informed me that he was not my dad between 7:30 and 3:30...and he meant it. My son was in my 2nd grade class for a hour a day for reading. I was to rough on him. The other teachers witnessed this and stepped in and took over. With my daughter it was harder.

    I have also been the teacher that has another teacher's child in my class that was the handful. I realized that I was allowing things to happen because I cared for the parent and didn't want to upset her. Once I decided to handle the situation the way I would any other child, it was better. If you think that the teacher is afraid of upsetting you, have your husband talk to her. Let her know you will support her and that you don't blame her.
     
  4. mdith4him

    mdith4him Companion

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    Aug 24, 2009

    From the way he's acting it sounds like you did the right thing putting him in someone else's class. He needs to learn to live without mommy for a few hours each day. I like what mrachelle87 said her dad did: between 7:30 and 3:30 you are not mom. Period.

    Is there any way you can avoid him seeing you in the hallways? Can door windows be covered up or can you take your class around the building using a different route so his class won't bump into yours? The other teacher should not be letting him run out of her classroom and into yours. Can you lock your door so he can't get in? As for lunchtime, are you required to eat with your class or can you go to a teacher's lounge? Would the principal consider letting your class and another class switch lunch times so you wouldn't be in the lunch room at the same time? Or maybe your class could eat in your room?

    Maybe you should have a talk with the other teacher. I know if I were her, it might be a little weird disciplining your child in front of you. You might just want to say something like, "I know it might feel awkward, but I really want you to treat him the same way as everyone else and please feel free to punish him or control him how you see fit." She might feel better if she has your "permission" to reign him in. I know I would.

    I think you need to keep doing what you were doing. Say, "Mommy needs to go to her classroom now and you need to stay here. I love you. See you this afternoon." And then LEAVE! I know it must be hard being next door and having to hear him cry and scream for you, but after awhile (if you don't give in and go over to him) he should get the message that no amount of screaming is going to change things. You also know that he is not injured or hurt in any way, so he really doesn't "need" you. He just wants things his way and you're being a responsible parent and not giving it to him!

    Even if you had had him in your room this year, he would have to get used to being with a new teacher next year for Kindergarten. Better to get over this hump now than later.

    Good luck! I hope he calms down soon and realizes you mean business.
     
  5. bros

    bros Phenom

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    Aug 24, 2009

    That isn't ADHD.

    That's just separation anxiety.

    During HS when I helped teach a preschool class, there was a child like that (except he'd insist on his mother sitting in the class for the entirety of the day or else he'd cry). The teacher told us what she recommended to the mother: take him somewhere special, with no siblings, just have some nice "Mommy and me" time, just so he knows that even though he is growing up, you can still have fun together, but not while in school.
     
  6. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I get the impression from the OP that this issue is in addition to the ADHD issues, and that's why she's having him evaluated by a professional.
     
  7. tiffharmon2001

    tiffharmon2001 Comrade

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    Aug 24, 2009

    I've had the appointment for the ADHD eval for a month. Long before school started.

    No, there is no way that I could possibly arrange my schedule or his so that we didn't have to see each other during the day. The doors to our classroom are less than 3 feet apart. Our classes go to specials at the same time, so we are in the hallway together.

    I did let dad handle it today, but I'm not sure that is the right solution for the problem.
     
  8. mdith4him

    mdith4him Companion

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    Aug 24, 2009

    Do either of you have an aide that could take your (or both) classes to their specials? Maybe the other teacher could take both classes for a few weeks until he was better able to handle seeing you and not start crying? You could line your class up at the door and just send them out to join hers in the hallway. Could your class leave the classroom a minute or two before his so you didn't have to walk to specials together? Is there a different way back to your classroom that you could take so you didn't run into his class on the way back? Even if you still have to see each other during the day, maybe some of that would help cut down how many times you see each other. And it wouldn't have to be permanent--just for awhile until he could handle seeing you.
     
  9. MissNikki

    MissNikki Comrade

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    I agree with everyone else. You need to let him go and work through it. Many, many children have separation issues when they go to school. This is no different. Let Dad handle things if a parent is needed. Otherwise, let the teacher do her job and don't intervene or get involved.
     
  10. preschoolheart

    preschoolheart Rookie

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    Sounds really rough! We have quite a few staff kids at my school, but fortunately we haven't had many issues with separations.

    My advice would be to really play up how great his teacher is. At home talk about how much you like Mrs. X, she's so nice, tells great stories, plays fun games, sings cool songs, whatever it is- she does it well! Also talk up the kids in his class- how much fun he's going to have with those kids. Make it sound like his class is sooooo exciting, and maybe he'll begin to play along. He may be sensing you're insecurity about the situation- if you're not 100% sure that he should be in the other class, then he's probably picking up on it- so make sure you seem sure about it in front of him. If need be, make your class sound like it's boring and no-fun, although he probably won't buy it. Remind him that at school you won't be able to play with him and act like "mommy" because you have to help all the kids.
    Talk to his teacher and let her know that during the school day she's in charge and needs to keep him with his class. Maybe she can give him a special job to do during the day that will interest him- make him her special helper, tell him since he knows the school so well (if he does), she needs him to help show the others kids where things are.
     
  11. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Will he be going to K in your school or a different school? I'm going to voice what may be an unpopular thought. Why do we have to make our children suffer the anxiety of being separated from a loved one at such an early age? If he is not mature enough to make the break, why does the issue have to be forced? I just see that both of you are entirely miserable and I don't see the need at this age. A co worker was having problems with her pre k adjusting to school last year and finally pulled him out altogether and is letting him stay with his sibling at the wonderful sitters house this year. His behavior problems have ended, he is no longer acting out, and parents are much happier. Next year he will have another year of maturity and growth and will begin K. I just don't see the benefit for your son if the whole family has to suffer.
     
  12. mdith4him

    mdith4him Companion

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    beckysuek, I can see your point. Some kids really might do better just waiting a year to go through this type of separation. However, I don't think extra time will necessarily help with all kids. If the OP gives in and lets him be in her class this year, she could go through the same thing all over again at the beginning of next year when he goes to K (or another year of Pre-K).

    This type of separation might seem like a hassle at the time, but giving it more time might make it even worse. For example, some kids suck their thumbs and it might seem like a huge hassle getting them to stop. But if you give up when they're young, they can develop problems with their teeth when they're old (a much bigger problem).

    Kids who have a hard time with separation from parents aren't necessarily facing emotional trauma. Sometimes I think they just want one thing and get upset when they're refused. Most Pre-K/K students are able to deal without mom and/or dad for a few hours.
     
  13. Zelda~*

    Zelda~* Devotee

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    Aug 24, 2009

    My younger sister went through similar issues in preschool. (This was only about 6 years ago) Mom sadly had to work elsewhere, and we'd drop her off and she'd cry....and she would cry all day.

    We'd get panicky phone calls from the preschool and have to go pick her up---enter the building and hear her wailing. As a Kindergarenter---she was fine.

    (We had another rough year 1st grade, but since then---wonderful.)

    Perhaps he's just not ready yet? (As the previous poster said.)
     
  14. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    Bring it up when you talk to the psychologist about the ADHD. He or she may have some coping strategies, or it may help paint a clearer picture of what's going on with your son.
     
  15. EDUK8_ME

    EDUK8_ME Cohort

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    Yes, but most preschool students do not see their mom everyday at school. This little boy can't separate because he constantly sees his mom.
     
  16. tiffharmon2001

    tiffharmon2001 Comrade

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    Aug 24, 2009

    Thank you Beckysuek! It's not that I can't let him go. Good grief, he's gone to daycare full time since he was 8 wks old! I do think he has an awesome teacher (my K daughter had her last year) and I know he's fine in the class. Like I said, I haven't intervened or even acknowledged him when he's had a problem until today. As a parent, there was no way I could ignore his behavior.

    I do expect the situation to get better. My class is completely full, so there is no way that I could change him, even if I wanted to-my husband would never go for it anyway. He had issues separating at daycare the last two years, but always settled in within 5-10 minutes of me leaving. I know that with time, things will get better.

    What I was hoping for here was some suggestions of things I could do to make it better, not criticism for having my heart break when I hear my child crying in the next room.
     
  17. 123456now

    123456now Rookie

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    AMEN!! It's not like he's going to be 10 and crying. Little kids cannot possibly understand how mommy can turn her mommying off. I don't think that's even a good thing for them to think is possible.
     
  18. mrachelle87

    mrachelle87 Fanatic

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    How about a picture? A friend had a picture that she laminated and taped to her daughter's backpack. She told her if she missed mom go look at it. When my daughter was in pre-k a little boy in her class had a special stuff animal that he kept in his cubby. Whenever he was homesick, he sat in front of his cubbie and told his animal his trouble. The teacher turned a timer on him after a few days. The first few days he had five minutes, then four, then three, and then he quit needing it.
     
  19. tiffharmon2001

    tiffharmon2001 Comrade

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    That's a good idea. I have a couple of little guys that go sit in their cubbies with their "blankies" for a while when they get sad. I've just been letting them sit in there as long as they need to, but I like the timer idea. Maybe we could wean them off of it.
     
  20. TeacherGrl7

    TeacherGrl7 Devotee

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    I had a little girl last year that had severe separation anxiety that broke her mom's heart- mom would drop her off to me in the mornings and be fighting back tears from guilt. The girl benefited from me drawing her a schedule of what we were doing for the day, with a picture of her and mom taped to the bottom. She would cross the activities off as we did them and count how many more until she saw mommy. After a few weeks I "forgot" to make the schedule for a day or so, and just taped the picture to her nameplate. Eventually the picture got moved over to my cabinet, where she could just grab it when she needed it, which was a lot on some days and never on others. After a while the picture got lost (it really did, I didn't "lose" it on her!) and she forgot about it.

    It worked great for the girl, but mostly it worked for Mom!! Everytime I gave her a great update, she felt less and less guilty. Worth a shot!
     
  21. tiffharmon2001

    tiffharmon2001 Comrade

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    Aug 25, 2009

    My husband brought my son home yesterday and made him go to bed. He slept for four hours straight.:eek: So, while I can't excuse anything he did yesterday, obviously being over tired did not help the matter any.:unsure:
    When I put him to bed last night, he said "I'm sorry mommy." I asked him why he was sorry and he said "I'm sorry for coming to your class.":( We talked about when he could come into my classroom and what will happen if he comes in when he's not supposed to. He was genuinely sorry, so hopefully things will go better today.
     
  22. MuggleBug

    MuggleBug Companion

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    I can't say that won't be true because there was a child at our school last year that was 9 at the end of 3rd grade and crying/on the floor when his mother dropped him off. His brother did it all the way through 5th grade. I'm not saying it will happen in this situation, but for some kids it is a serious issue and it's probably better if she addresses it with the psychologist now and tries to remedy it. It could be something he'll grow out of in a month or a year (likely, since he is still little) or there could be a serious underlying issue. I think kids that age are capable of understanding the difference between home mommy and school mommy.

    Do you think you can arrange some playdates for your son with some of the kids in his class? Maybe if he gets to know them and has fun with them, he'll feel better being away with you because he's with his friends, or at least they'll provide a distraction for him in the classroom when you're not there.
     

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