My spouse doesn't get my job, & need to vent

I teach special ed, high school English resource, in class support. I try to talk about the dymanics, and politics to husband but stopped cuz he doesn't get it. Can't and wont talk at work, had too many conversations repeated. So I came home today to vent how next year I will be co-teach and resource teacher for 9th graders, that I was upset. I have taught 11 & 12 for 10 years. The response was, maybe you need a change. I feel like he never listens.

 

Imagine having to hear someone ranting about asinine behavior every day - outrageous examples of extremely unprofessional behavior in which educators mistreat their students and other adults. Many of us in the field of education tend to develop an unhealthy habit of venting our frustrations to our spouse or significant other, only to find that they have no interest in listening nor discussing our work-related issues.

Early in my teaching career, my wife let me know that she didn't want to hear about my stories from work anymore. Having been educated in a different culture in which such unprofessional behavior doesn't exist and students actually act like students (yes, there are such places), she couldn't relate to what I had been witnessing in the workplace. In fact, her reaction was one of utter disdain for the people that I described.

It's not that spouses "don't get it". The problem is that we tend to think that venting is necessary to maintain our mental health. Although it's never healthy nor recommended that anyone allow their anger to build up, many experts agree that venting one's frustrations may actually make things much worse. Instead of serving as an effective release, venting may often result in exacerbating one's frustration. Taking their advice, I found that quiet reflection was the best cure for pent up frustration.

I learned it was much more productive if I just took the time (during my 1-hour commute home) to think about the people involved in the day's examples of ineptitude, stupidity, condescension and insecurity. This routine mental exercise helped me to understand the factors involved in various ridiculous situations and the motivations behind observed behaviors. Best of all, it also helped to reveal what I could have done differently if I was directly involved.

I believe that personal reflection is often preferable to discussing disgusting or inappropriate interactions with others who: a) may lack the ability to analyze bizarre unfamiliar situations, b) have difficulty staying focused, or c) are simply disinterested.

When a guy hears his wife venting about a work-related problem, he instinctively thinks it's his responsibility to offer a suggestion to help solve the problem. However, the "helpful" advice may not always be appreciated by his spouse who just expects him to listen! Been there too many times!

 

I told my DH that sometimes I just need him to nod and listen. I really just need to blow off some steam. He's great about it. I'll ask him questions if I want advice, and he knows if I don't ask questions, I'm just venting

 

My DH is a teacher, too. It's fantastic having someone who gets it.

 

I agree with Been There. My husband is a teacher too and we don't enjoy listening to each other vent.

I've enjoyed my job this year but my husband has had a lot to vent about. I hate that our first interaction after work involves complaining- it really brings my mood down. Next year I will be a stay-at-home mom, and we've discussed him running/biking home after work each day so he can get in a better mindset before he walks in the door. I know the baby and I will be excited to see him at the end of each day, and I'll obviously be looking forward to adult conversation, and don't want it to be negative.

I'm sorry but I agree with your husband, that if you are so unhappy you need to vent every day, maybe you need a change. I've told my husband the same thing. :-/

 

I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't talk to my significant other about my frustrations or if he told me he didn't want to hear about it. All I need him to do is nod or say okay and listen. He doesn't need to offer any suggestions or helpful advise but we've talked about that before.

 

Yes I probably do complain too much and I will evaluate the venting. But I must say when I say something it would be nice if he at least tried to understand the dymanics. I've listened for years the pros and cons of his job, all I ask is try to get it straight what I teach. Half the time he tells people I'm teaching a different subject. Oh well onward ho, lol. Thanks everyone!

 

My significant other and I rarely ever discuss work. Yes, we complete work-related tasks at home, but we don't vent very often. In fact, I can honestly say I loathe talking about work once I drive off school grounds!

 

I think maybe I need to clarify my post. It's great having a teacher husband because he gets it. However, that means that we understand how we need "decompression" time after work, down time on weekends/holidays, and that sometimes we don't get a break all day or need to buy tissues for our classrooms because if we don't, nobody will. Some days my heart aches for kids, and other days I want to string one up by the toenails.

My first husband never got any of that because, you know . . . how hard can it possibly be to sit behind a desk and tell kids what to do all day.

I wouldn't expect someone to listen to unload a truckload of complaints on me day after day and expect to look forward to that, but I would expect a spouse who was a decent enough human being to be sympathetic of the occasional bad day.

 

My husband is in a completely different world career-wise, but he has still listened to all my stories over the past ten years, same as I always listen to his. His mom was a teacher, though, so I think that helps. Still, if your SO wants to talk to you about something, I think it's the partner's job to listen and be as supportive as possible. I personally think it's a matter of mutual respect which for me would not be optional in a relationship.

 

My partner works in a field where he can be super straightforward (borderline crass) with people. Whenever I've shared things with him in the past, he has tried to give me advice--but it includes responses that are unkind and/or completely rude. That's mainly why I stopped talking about work.

I once told him, "Suuuure. I can totally say that to one of my teachers... That is, if I no longer want to be an administrator!"

 

This is why I came back to AtoZ.

My guy talks for hours, and repeats himself on a regular basis. When I talk, he listens to me, but suggests I need counseling.

I told him how different things would be if I retuned to teaching!

I once got a text from a high school friend. Started off as invite to school function as a foursome, of course. Next thing I know we were having regular conversations. It just felt good to have somebody who could relate to me.

It felt wrong, so I stopped. I told him when you’re ready for the FOUR of us to get together, let me know. Needless to say, haven’t heard from him since.

This is a good place to vent. I’d be happy to talk more in my “Things you SO does that annoy you” thread.

 

I can feel the need to relieve the stress of my job, just like everyone else, however, I find that venting is overrated. I have found that spending some time at the batting cages, taking the dogs for a run, or anything else that lets me blow off steam. My husband and I share lots of decisions - family, property, plans - but I would like to think that I am strong enough to deal with my own problems from work. I find that I may vent to the one person who has a truly vested interest in my problem, and that is myself. I will free write on my computer, a stream of consciousness kind of thing. Sometimes, when I look at it a couple of days longer, the answers are very clear, or I laugh at how bent out of shape I was by something that is far from earth shattering. My husband may ask me later if all is well, and fortunately, I am mostly able to say yes with a clear conscience.

 

My husband also works in a field where he can basically just say what he's thinking. I dream of that some days

 

Agreed....I see two parts to this puzzle:

One part is based on the fact that your husband, SO, soul mate - that one person you come home to each night, really has a difficult time listening to you. I personally don't think it would matter what kind of job I had. I need somebody in my life who is willing to listen to me, and be supportive. Don't have to agree or disagree. But don't label me looney toons just because I complain every other day about my job.

The other part is venting. I disagree that venting is not helpful. I think there is some release in hearing your thoughts. Okay, repeating the same story over and over to everyone who walks in the room, your entire family, and all your friends - is not too cool. Or do one of my numbers and do a group text to my friends on my current drama. I get feedback that I can look at instantly. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they say I am way off base. And sometimes, when they don't agree, and the crap does hit the fan, yeah...I come back and say...see I told you!!. Well, doesn't always happen, but I feel good just getting it off my chest, in a safe environment.

I think as a couple, you should be there for each other. There is some comfort in knowing when you had an awful day, there is one person on the earth (in your sheltered place) that will say, "There, there..it's okay. I don't know how to fix it, but I'll hug you and listen."

If it becomes a chronic thing...every single day...yeah...that is asking a bit much of your hubby (and friends, if you're doing that too) If people suggest you try other things, and you keep spinning your wheels, yeah they will get frustrated with you. It sounds to them that you want to stay in the madness, so why bother telling them?

I imagine (IMO) when you were dating, you did the same thing right?? So he should have been ready. Just like if he was a fireman, and you are scared out of your wits every time you see a major fire on the news, you worry about him. Well if, he told you that's what he does, you have to find a way to deal with it.

In summary...meet him in the middle. Share your ups and downs two days out of the week. Start journaling your thoughts, and try dealing with the issues on your own. If things are getting out of hand, don't be afraid to take a mental health day, and perhaps consider a different grade/school/district/subject matter. A change can make things better...and if it doesn't, don't be afraid to reinvent yourself.

He can't be your all in all. Even though that's what marriage vows say.

BTW, my guy gets mad and worried if I don't talk to him for days!! He's worried because he doesn't know what's wrong. So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../anger-management-the-five-ws-healthy-venting

 

Always_Learning,

Kudos for this link. I am a work in progress. I am pretty good with #2 and #5.

You get 6 counseling sessions per occurrence with EAP. When things really get bad, I don't hesitate to contact them.

I also learned that in retail (my part time job), there are some customers who really are not shopping, they are looking for listeners. They will talk to you until the store closes. We need to make sales. So, I have to keep moving and keep my sanity by limiting these conversations. I qualify the customer, ask about the project, offer the best, better and good product, and then ask the closing question ; "Can I take this to the register for you?" If they start another conversation, I say. "Sorry I couldn't help you. (Turn to the side.) If you need anything else, just let me know." Then I walk away.

 

Those of us old enough to remember Ann Landers read her advice over and over to "write it out, seal it, and put it in a drawer for a week. At the end of the week the person was to reread the "letter" and then decide whether or not to send." I am pretty sure that deals with several of the points in the link. Give it time, let emotions calm, which lets the rationale part of the brain to take over, and then you could (can) throw away the letter without ever exposing your own faulty or less than stellar rants. As far as mindfulness, long before it was called that, I was taught to find a way to get stress release. For me it has often been batting cages - I have a handful of coins, I don't have to converse with anyone, it doesn't matter if I hit the ball, because the swing is therapeutic, and I can "buy" this stress release for a little money and a little time. Know that I am not very athletic, but I find swinging and the occasional contact to raise my mood and spirits.

Nice link, Always Lerning!

 

Thanks!!!

 

You're welcomed resourcestress. And vickilyn...Ask Ann Landers and Ask Abby - twin sisters, classy ladies. Classic stuff. Both of them gave you advice and one-liners that kept me rolling.

I had one counselor tell me, "Put your ex in a box." When you feel the urge to vent and go on and on about him, put him back in the box.

Not only did I take him out the box, I got back with him. Yeah, it didn't last, but it gave me a 2nd chance to see if we could make it work. I was able to get more teaching experience in ESL by moving back to CA. We have a level of tolerance/acceptance now, and I don't have to keep him in a box. I can talk about him freely, without stressing out.

I told my daughter today, if I had not gone back to him, they probably wouldn't have a relationship. He can talk to her. She can talk to me. They can talk to each other and be happy, and leave me out of their happiness. Our happiness ended after our divorce. Her happiness works for her, it doesn't have to affect me.

 

I’d like to add, I’m in preschool and have kids crying and screaming all day.

When I come home, the last thing I want to hear is a blood & guts movie with piercing screams. My guy loves these, along with wrestling - which is another thread.

All I am asking for is understanding. He expects me to jump in his arms and lay on the couch and watch this drama and nonsense. I just want to unwind and have some peace and quiet. I don’t want to watch violence, hear screaming or watch slapstick humor. He doesn’t get it.

 

Amen, all I want is silence.

 

Wrestling is so contrived and stupid!

 

......

 

It is contrived. Some don't think it is stupid though. They find humor in it.

Some would say that fiction novels are contrived and stupid. Why would someone want to read about a fake drama about someone who doesn't exist or a murder of someone who doesn't exist?

 

The difference is that people recognize fiction is just that, fiction. The wrestling community seems to think that wrestling is not fake, which it completely is. I’ve actually watched a few matches to see what the big hype is and I was amazed at how idiotic it was. It’s basically like watching a low budget film with D-ranked actors/actresses and you can see the actors pulling punches and there is a cliched onomatopoeic “kachow!” after each “hit.”

And the crowd goes wild and brays, like a bunch of jack... donkeys.

 

Thank you futuremathsprof!

You could say it's a male soap opera. Okay, you don't see any of those actors in thongs, oiled up, and screeching in pain every five minutes. The only drama there is the fake threats and a costume party. I think it's a bridal party fantasy.

Well, if da two of yous guys wanna join me in my, "Things your SO does that annoy you thread" and battle this out, c'mon!

I am truly fed up with it... especially the women wrestlers. I think it's demoralizing and borderline soft porn.

I feel like I have kids all day, and one big one at night!

 

It took Rockhubby YEARS to start understanding my life as a teacher, specifically one who works with an at-risk population. When he started handling IT for a counseling center that, among other things, supplies schools with social workers, he started understanding my job a lot more.

 

That's a generalization which you can't prove is true. I know lots of wrestling fans that know it is all just a show. It isn't my cup of tea, but your generalization isn't accurate. Some believe it to be true, but generalizing to the whole community is wrong.

 

This is hysterical, LOL!

 

I said seems to, not that it does. Read more carefully.

 

There's a lot of artistry to professional wrestling, and not everyone can appreciate it. It sounds like you think you're superior to wrestling fans, of which there are millions all across the globe. Your last sentence especially makes you sound incredibly arrogant. If you're ever interested, look up current WWE superstar Xavier Woods, notable for getting his Ph.D. while being WWE Tag Team champion, or Christopher Nowinski, a Harvard grad and former WWE wrestler.

 

It is still a generalization based on nothing but your own opinion rather than facts. "Seems to" doesn't make it not a generalization. It actually makes the comment worse because it is based on nothing other than your opinion.

 

Generalizations can be similar to stereotypes in that they are sometimes wrong and harmful. Usually, it's best to stick with specifics and avoid generalizations - especially when the topic is one that a great number of people are passionate about. Right or wrong, harmful or not people on this forum should just relax/chill and be more selective in what they choose to read or not.

 

I don’t think I am better than anyone. I just think there is a time and place, a reason and a season. Some shows are just designed for a different crowd. I don’t mind a few episodes of The Simpsons and admit to taping them as well. But....I do question my bf’s maturity because...

I don’t watch cartoons every single night.

And a SO or housemate could consider your feelings. He wears headphones and goes in the other room. Problem partially solved. I can’t discuss my day with 5 year olds with someone who is watching grown men throw chairs at each other.

 

And your comment is also an opinion.

 

I’m not saying I’m better than anyone. I just don’t understand why people get so riled about fake fighting. At least in the movies it looks real. Mixed-martial arts is exhilarating and exciting to watch. Wrestling just seems so artificial, like Operation Repo.

 

I tend to worry that “Too much of anything is not good for you.”

Did I mention SO is over 50, and watches these shows every night??

Somebody tell me the positive outcomes of this obesession.

The thread is topic is, “My spouse doesn’t get my job...and I need to vent.”

Anyone who has heard the line, “Oh you just sit and watch kids all day.”or, “You get all that time off.” certainly does not get us. Would you agree?

And, someone who enjoys seeing adults inflict pain on each other, whether real or staged - every single night - should send out some red flags of concern, IMHO.

I’m with this guy. What gives? How can this be harmless. This clearly is some type of outlet. OP needs a safe zone and support. I need to know if my SO’s behavior is normal before I start planning on parking a rocking chair next to him.

 

Different strokes for different folks - don't require anyone's approval.