My "boyfriend" is really ticking me off...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by DrivingPigeon, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. DrivingPigeon

    DrivingPigeon Phenom

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2008
    Messages:
    4,212
    Likes Received:
    8

    Jul 9, 2011

    I just need to get this off my chest.

    So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Our relationship has been pretty solid, but we have had our moments where I thought we may break up. Overall, I think he is just very immature (he is 24 and I am 29). He has a very good job and is responsible with money. However, he likes to announce that he is going to get "wasted," and when he does he is obnoxious and sometimes mean. He tells me I am "boring" and "old" and he wishes I would get wasted with him. It would mean so much to him. :rolleyes:

    He is also very needy emotionally. I work 2 jobs, and basically every moment I'm not working is spent at his apartment. However, that is not enough for him. It's like he needs someone constantly by his side, telling him how wonderful he is and how much they love him. I like space and independence.

    So, last night we're about to go visit some friends and go out (he was going to get "wasted"), when he said, "I think we should break up." I just laughed and said, "Shush!" Well, he was actually serious this time. He told me to leave and to not bother calling. So, I left. About 5 minutes later he started calling me over and over and over. I ignored him, but I finally answered to shut him up. I don't even remember what we talked about...He just kept asking, "Are we really breaking up?" to which I replied, "Yes, that's what you want, apparently."

    He began calling me again at around 7:00 this morning. I was sleeping, but finally answered to shut him up. Again, the conversation was pointless. He just sits there and doesn't talk and says, "Sooo...are we really breaking up?" I worked all day today, and around 6:30 he called me. Our conversation was short. I was short with him. Now he keeps texting me "So...?" And asking why I wasn't "excited" when he called me (!!!).

    I am so annoyed right now! I feel like I'm dating a 6th grader. Why is he so needy and immature?! UGH!!!

    The weird thing is, I don't even really feel sad. I don't feel relieved or anything, either...I just feel lonely.
     
  2.  
  3. LUCHopefulTeach

    LUCHopefulTeach Habitué

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2011
    Messages:
    781
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 9, 2011

    I understand how dealing with the immaturity is frustrating and emotionally draining. I felt very similar in my previous relationship and my ex acted very similar. :hugs:

    I honestly think the age difference may have a large part of the differences in your relationship and maturity. Some people say that age is nothing but a number and I agree to a certain point. When your in your teens and twenties you're still finding yourself and can put certain things of higher importance than others. Getting 'wasted' and ahnging out with your friends the majority of the time can be very important because you're still young and not X, Y, or X yet.
     
  4. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2001
    Messages:
    24,959
    Likes Received:
    2,116

    Jul 9, 2011

    You are at different points emotionally. Cut him loose.
     
  5. SCTeachInTX

    SCTeachInTX Fanatic

    Joined:
    May 27, 2009
    Messages:
    2,972
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 9, 2011

    Sorry. This is tough. You know in your heart what you feel and what you should do. I wish I had advice for you. You just have to decide... is this relationship worth this? Is this where you want to be? If the answer is,yes, then work towards resolution. If the answer is, no, then you need to make some changes. Good luck!
     
  6. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

    Joined:
    May 24, 2008
    Messages:
    3,513
    Likes Received:
    15

    Jul 9, 2011

    As a 29yo independent woman, do you really need this kind of 'stuff' in your life? I wouldn't have wanted that at 29.
     
  7. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Jul 9, 2011

    Agreed. And I wouldn't have wanted that at twenty-four or any other age. I'm sorry that you're experiencing this, but it most certainly seems it is time to leave this relationship.
     
  8. cmw

    cmw Groupie

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2007
    Messages:
    1,241
    Likes Received:
    2

    Jul 9, 2011

    :hugs: That is just disrespectful. :mad: Perhaps you can take a break from him and see what other fish are in the sea. If you continue in this relationship (& changes aren't made) things won't get better. Time will tick on & then you may feel stuck in the relationship. It seems to me that you deserve better. :2cents:
     
  9. leighbball

    leighbball Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2005
    Messages:
    7,507
    Likes Received:
    3

    Jul 9, 2011

    Huge hugs :( I'm sorry your bf is being a jerk. I know two years is a long time, but I agree with the others that you need to decide if this is what you want or not. Also, I think the fact that you aren't sad about it may be a sign. :hugs:
     
  10. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2005
    Messages:
    6,204
    Likes Received:
    1,592

    Jul 9, 2011

    As a 29 year old, there would have been no way I would have wanted to raise a boyfriend/husband. No way, no how. And if refusing to "get wasted" makes me old and boring, so be it. I'll take "old and boring" over "young and immature" any day.
     
  11. scmom

    scmom Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2007
    Messages:
    2,188
    Likes Received:
    2

    Jul 9, 2011

    Your posts have always seemed mature and level-headed to me, but sometimes it is hard to recognize something that is not good for us in our personal lives. If you were my daughter I would say "run, don't walk to the nearest exit." I know women (my sister being an example)who would rather be with someone who isn't good for them than be alone. Let me tell you from her experience that it can become a bad, destructive habit of going from one loser to another and drains you emotionally, physically and, often, financially. You deserve better!
     
  12. Joyful!

    Joyful! Habitué

    Joined:
    May 5, 2009
    Messages:
    881
    Likes Received:
    211

    Jul 9, 2011

    :hugs:
    It's always hard to let go even when it sounds like you may have let go already and didn't even realize it.
    :hugs:
     
  13. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    6,763
    Likes Received:
    1,718

    Jul 9, 2011

    It does sound like you have decided on a subconscious level that it is time to move on. If that is what you want, stop answering the phone and texting him. Change your phone number if you need to. Get busy on hobbies and other things to fill your spare time...or...just enjoy being home in your own home relaxing in the little bit of spare time you have. Good luck!
     
  14. mmswm

    mmswm Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2007
    Messages:
    5,621
    Likes Received:
    6

    Jul 9, 2011

    This. Exactly. I would write my own post, but scmom has written exactly what I was thinking.
     
  15. Sarge

    Sarge Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2007
    Messages:
    2,483
    Likes Received:
    205

    Jul 9, 2011

    I was one of those men who was late when it came to growing up. But even by the age of 24, I had outgrown the whole notion that "getting wasted" was an accomplishment that one would brag about.

    This guy might be 24, but he's acting like he's 18 or 19.
     
  16. Go 4th

    Go 4th Habitué

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2006
    Messages:
    942
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jul 9, 2011

    :hugs: Big hugs! I agree with what everyone else has said. It sounds like you are just in two very different places right now and that's ok. Maybe in a while, when he's grown up some and can treat you better, you can try again.

    It's ok to be alone. I think it's kind of a good thing actually. I believe it can really be a good time to learn alot about yourself and what you really want.
     
  17. TennisPlayer

    TennisPlayer Cohort

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 9, 2011

    why dont you spend some days apart to think on your own but I get the impression you two arent right for each other and thats totally normal to go through even if he is good looking or whatever if you dont feel right around him then why stay with him? good luck to you....
     
  18. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    Messages:
    8,674
    Likes Received:
    1,738

    Jul 9, 2011

    Been there, lived that, even let him come back after a conversation a lot like this one (I was fat, frumpy, unexciting and unappealing). If you're ready to handle being lonely for a little bit, you need to decide if that's better than how you feel when you're with him. Vent all you want here, but I'm sure you don't want us to help to make the choice for you. We're here for you either way.
     
  19. The Fonz

    The Fonz Math teacher (for now...)

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2010
    Messages:
    193
    Likes Received:
    2

    Jul 9, 2011

    my first instinct was to say dump him, but then i erased that and thought...well, you probably love him, right? if that's the case, you probably need to have a talk with him and if that doesn't work...need to assess things and see if you're ready to be with him long term.
     
  20. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2007
    Messages:
    2,403
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jul 9, 2011

    The first thing I thought was - if you don't break up now, do you think you will be in this same situation further down the road, but more invested in the relationship and each other's lives? I just feel like at some point you are going to have a WORSE break up and you are going to be thinking "Wow, I should have just really let him go back on July 9th, 2011."

    Just my first thoughts.
     
  21. paperheart

    paperheart Groupie

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    1,350
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 9, 2011

    Aw. I'm sorry for what you are going through. After two years that must be tough.

    I know you spoke a lot about what you are not enough of for him (with him being so needy) but I kept hearing that he doesn't seem to meet your needs or honor who you really are either.

    I have been there done that with the immaturity thing. In fact 6 years ago TODAY I married that guy. (I've since divorced him.)

    I hope things smooth out for you soon.
     
  22. missjessica

    missjessica Rookie

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2009
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    I'm sorry :( I know what you're going through is tough. The sad thing is, though, a lot of men never grow up. I have relatives who are in their 30s, even 40s, and still talk about "getting wasted" every weekend. I always tell myself that very few people change after they're in their early 20s. By then you develop your habits, your values, who you are. Of course there are exceptions.
    I would do whatever your common sense tells you to do. Although it's lonely when you're first apart and you may feel like running back, it's not always the best thing. Keep yourself busy, reconnect with old friends, and enjoy yourself! My sister just broke up with her boyfriend after 6 years and is trying to do the same thing.
    And just remember...in the long run everything will be fine.
     
  23. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

    Joined:
    May 13, 2004
    Messages:
    5,913
    Likes Received:
    172

    Jul 10, 2011

    I think it was you who started a past thread about his immaturity. You don't need him, he doesn't appreciate or respect you & your feelings at all. It seems that the inevitable has arrived. People who drink so much that they don't remember what they said (or pretend that they don't remember) won't remember (or again pretend that they don't remember) if they did worse actions (when you aren't around). I wouldn't trust him.

    Tell him ASAP when he's completely sober that you're done & not to contact you again in any way. If he keeps trying to, change your #. That will show him you mean business. If you ea have things you still have at ea others' places that you want back, set up a time when he'll get it & have it boxed up for him & put it outside & keep the door locked as you see him get his stuff & drive off. There's no need talking to him, after all, he may go beserk to try to get you back & may try to force himself in your place & then he's alone w/ you in your house! That once nice guy you loved could turn into a monster. :eek:

    If you have stuff at his apt that you could replace, it may not be worth getting it from him or maybe bring a grp of people w/ you when you go to get it. You don't know what he may be up to when you go to retrieve it.

    Stay safe!
     
  24. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2006
    Messages:
    27,534
    Likes Received:
    6

    Jul 10, 2011

    How would you respond if one of your friends here posted that???

    My guess is that you would say the relationship had run its course.

    Where do you see yourself down the road with this man-child? It sounds to me like he wants less a wife/girlfriend/life partner and more a buddy/RA/mom.

    Sure you're lonely--- anytime we cut anything (good or bad) from our lives we notice the void.

    But a little lonliness isn't a bad thing. It gives us time for self reflection, to see what we want and where we want to go.

    It seems to me, from your words, that this breakup was a good thing and long overdue.

    I'm just sorry that going through it is hard.
     
  25. MsMar

    MsMar Fanatic

    Joined:
    May 16, 2007
    Messages:
    2,771
    Likes Received:
    53

    Jul 10, 2011

    I"m sorry you're going through this but it does sound that breaking up with him is the right thing to do. Sounds like you're in two different places, and can you honestly ever see yourself marrying this guy? Breakups are tough, but I do think a breakup is the right thing.
     
  26. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2005
    Messages:
    10,120
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    I agree with everyone else. It is time to move on. Change your number. At 24 he should be outgrowing that getting wasted thing. It could be the road to alcoholism, and you don't need to be dealing with that the rest of your life.
     
  27. DrivingPigeon

    DrivingPigeon Phenom

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2008
    Messages:
    4,212
    Likes Received:
    8

    Jul 10, 2011

    Thanks for your support, everyone.

    Right after I posted this, he stopped by and we talked. I really don't know what to do...Yesterday I felt like we should break up, and today I feel like we can work this out.

    When he stopped over, I was really annoyed/angry/cold towards him. He was really upset and started crying and said he would do anything to be with me. He brought up the point that he is immature, and he said he'll grow out of the desire to go out so much. I told him that I don't believe that is true, and he disagreed. I told him that I can't keep doing this. If he wants to be with me, he needs to make some changes. However, I don't want to be the girl that is trying to change someone. I want him to see the changes that he needs to make, and make them on his own.

    We'll see what today brings. :/
     
  28. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2005
    Messages:
    4,395
    Likes Received:
    7

    Jul 10, 2011

    Dp, how would you react if he was the one who was telling you he couldn't be with you because you were too mature? You might try to act, well, immature for a while, just to please, but eventually you would realize that wasn't who you were and would probably become resentful. That's likely what he is going to feel. I'm NOT in any way criticizing you, but he's not going to change overnight. It's going to become the hot topic every time you bicker. And like someone else pointed out, do you want to look back a year from now and realize you've wasted that time?

    I hate to point out the obvious, but in a year you are going to be 30, and he's only 25. Priorities, entertainment, and so many other things are so vastly different at those ages.

    For me, it would be a deal breaker the first time anyone called me "old" at 29.
     
  29. MsMar

    MsMar Fanatic

    Joined:
    May 16, 2007
    Messages:
    2,771
    Likes Received:
    53

    Jul 10, 2011

    You need to do what feels right for you, but chances are he's not going to change. Or if he does, it won't last long. If going out and partying is his thing, he's not just going to stop that. And the fact that he thinks you're old and too mature for him is a big red flag in my eyes. Again, ask yourself if you can see yourself marrying this guy. And you're right about not wanting to be the girl who changes him, because as you yourself pointed out, the change has to come from him or it won't last.
     
  30. old_School

    old_School Rookie

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2011
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jul 10, 2011

    Kick his ass to the crub!!! I don't think I had to really try in any of my relationships. Well we had to work at it but I never had to "try" or force my self to get through the day. If the relatioship is not running smoothly kick their ass to the curb. Me and my wife never have any issues or even have to "try" at our relationship. Ive discovered if they are not on the same "level" as your self, they are not worth the time to invest in. It sounds to me like he was just someone fun to date in the begining anyway. Fairly large age difference. I'm much older then my wife but women mature faster then men. I'd suggest dating a older man.
     
  31. Kat53

    Kat53 Devotee

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2006
    Messages:
    1,071
    Likes Received:
    12

    Jul 10, 2011

    Pigeon, why did he say he wanted to break up in the first place?
     
  32. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

    Joined:
    May 13, 2004
    Messages:
    5,913
    Likes Received:
    172

    Jul 10, 2011

    DP, I know you realize this, but you don't want to have to change your partner. Of course no one's perfect, but you want someone to be as close a fit to YOU as possible (personalitywise) when you 1st meet them. It results in less complications, aggravations, & trouble down the road.

    If something's not in somebody, it's hard for them to change quickly. Him saying he will or he'll try is much easier said than done.

    I wish you the best.
     
  33. catnfiddle

    catnfiddle Moderator

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    Messages:
    8,674
    Likes Received:
    1,738

    Jul 10, 2011

    These are the times I used to do a pro and con list about staying in the relationship. Maybe that would work for you. Getting it down on paper in an objective, rational manner may give you some perspective.
     
  34. eddygirl

    eddygirl Companion

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2010
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    Ironically, I was the mother of a 25-year-old son who had a great girlfriend (same age), but was not ready to move to the next level. He was not into "getting wasted," but he did like to hang out with his guy friends. I think he was afraid that commitment would drastically change his life. His girlfriend was looking to a future--marriage, children, etc., and as his mother, I think that scared him a bit.

    I remember reading an article that discussed how women have a tendency to "plan" the stages of their lives, whereas guys "just know when it's the right time." This was true of my son. They moved in together, and now, a year later, they are planning a wedding and looking for a house. Obviously, he decided it was "the right time" for him.

    Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying this scenario mirrors yours in any way. I'm just saying that sometimes people do change if the conditions are right for them.

    Only YOU know what behaviors will be acceptable to you, and which are absolute deal breakers. If the cons outweigh the pros in this relationship, then perhaps it is time to move on. I just had to do this myself, at my "old" age (LOL!), and I ended a five year relationship because I finally realized that my guy was not able to be the partner I need at this stage of my life.

    My best suggestion to you is give yourself some time to think. Ask him not to call you while you do this, and suggest that he do the same. Then, sit down and have a talk with him about what you both want from your relationship. If you find that you are not going in the same direction, then you have a choice to make.
     
  35. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

    Joined:
    May 13, 2004
    Messages:
    5,913
    Likes Received:
    172

    Jul 10, 2011

    What eddygirl described is exactly why men are usually older than the women in the relationship. Often, two people of the same age aren't at the same level. Men for some reason need the extra yrs of partying it up, sewing wild oats, etc. The maturity level just isn't there at the same age as the woman. (Of corse I'm not saying this is w/ ALL cases.)

    Now DP, although your age gap isn't too, too huge, it's apparently been a problem in your relationship. Now those women (aka "cougars") who pick men 10-20 yrs younger many times just want fun & excitement in their lives after they've been divorced & have grown kids out of the way.

    Another thing, if you're so "old & boring" as he says, why didn't he break up with you long ago? You don't have anything over him so that he may feel guilty for leaving you do you? For exmaple, you had put him through school, you're paying for most of the dates, etc.
     
  36. TennisPlayer

    TennisPlayer Cohort

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2008
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    I personally never wanted to date someone younger in my dating days.....
     
  37. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2005
    Messages:
    10,120
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    My husband is almost three years younger then me. But we seemed to mature at the same rate so it has worked out for us. My ex fiance on the other hand was the same age as me and I believe still the party guy. We are 35 will be 36 in Oct.
     
  38. silverspoon65

    silverspoon65 Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2007
    Messages:
    2,403
    Likes Received:
    1

    Jul 10, 2011


    The only thing here though, is if these are natural changes you think he would make as he ages anyway, then you aren't really changing him. I went out A LOT when I was 24 and I don't now, so I don't necessarily agree when people say he won't change. We all have something in our lives that makes us realize we need to grow up. His might be you.

    You know best what to do.
     
  39. SCTeachInTX

    SCTeachInTX Fanatic

    Joined:
    May 27, 2009
    Messages:
    2,972
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    It is hard when you have invested 2 years and for the most part love someone. Getting closer to 30 is tough too. I am sure lots of your friends are getting married and starting to have children. It is a tough place to find yourself... Like I said earlier, only you can make that decision and I guess from your most recent post you have decided to see if this relationship has merit. I wish you all the luck. We can all offer advice, but until we walk in your shoes, how can we know what is best. Your heart and head will eventually tell you the way to go. Until then, wishing you lots of hugs and a happy summer. We need to rest up... cause I hear those kiddos are coming soon... ready or not?!
     
  40. tired.mom

    tired.mom Companion

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2011
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    Granted, I am in grad school for this, but do you think he might consider counseling? That may give you a really good idea as to how serious he is about the relationship. Also, a counselor may also be able to shed light on the drinking, which may or may not be a real problem.

    Hang in there.
     
  41. jteachette

    jteachette Comrade

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    415
    Likes Received:
    0

    Jul 10, 2011

    Honestly, before you even consider taking him back, sit down and think about what you want in a partner. Then consider if he is what you want, or just someone to be with so that you aren't lonely.
    I spent over 8 years with a guy who would never make time for my needs, but always had time for his own. It was really hard to walk away! It would be far easier for you to walk away now.

    I would not take him back. His behavior is not only immature, it borders on emotional abuse. He calls you names, runs you down, and monopolizes your free time. These are some of the hallmarks of emotional abuse. I wish I had seen the signs long ago. I would have walked away long before I did.
     

Share This Page

Members Online Now

Total: 206 (members: 1, guests: 190, robots: 15)
test