Mother In Laws

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out Archives' started by Grammy Teacher, Feb 13, 2007.

  1. Lesley

    Lesley Habitué

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    Feb 13, 2007

    Honestly, it depends on your relationship with your hubby. It would take a lot more than HER for us to divorce. He finally, it took a good 15 years, but he sees what she is doing and that it is wrong. That helps tremendously. But she is his mom and he can have her, he does not need to share ;)
     
  2. Emma35

    Emma35 Connoisseur

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    Hey Grammy what's up, I thought you hated using those on-line letters, now you are using MIL....she must have really ticked you off!
     
  3. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    hahaha Emma, you are right! I am in dire straits...is that spelled correctly? I'm "beside myself!"
     
  4. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    oh yes! It is spelled correctly! It means to be in extreme distress! THat's me... dire straits over my MIL and using online abbrev. is against all I believe in...oh lord I am losing control
     
  5. ms.jansen

    ms.jansen Companion

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    Feb 13, 2007

    I think it's just been adding up all these years and you have finally had it. I don't really think you're over-reacting, your patience has just run out! You need something to de-stress. But for all of you with MIL problems, please just don't put your kids in the middle of it - I HATE it when my mom vents to me about my grandma, even though I can see why my mom is annoyed, she's still my grandma! : )

    To answer the original question: My future MIL and I get along really well, and the only thing I have to "undo" is her dislike for fruits,vegetables, and anything remotely healthy that she passed on to all her kids. She is also very lenient/naive with her younger kids (still in high school) and they are pretty spoiled. Other than that, we get along great! : )
     
  6. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    I can get along with anyone...ANYONE! It's just that I don't like her the way she is and want to make her change and I know I can't so how in the world can I put up with her???????????????? I don't want to see her or talk to her.......and here I am married to her son!!! And he coddles her and I really hate that because he feels the same way about her. All of her kids just loathe her for the way she is.
     
  7. GatorGal

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    Feb 13, 2007

    I love my future mother in law. :love:

    Until about 2.5 years ago, I had dinner 3 or 4 times a week at her house. Now I have to wait until I come into town every 4-6 months or so. She makes the BEST Cuban food. (I still haven't warmed up to yucca though:rolleyes: ).

    I feel very blessed that I have such a great relationship with her, especially after reading all these comments!!
     
  8. Go 4th

    Go 4th Habitué

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    Feb 14, 2007

    Grammy, I sympathize! She is wacked out. To not even acknowledge her own child's birthday?????
    Mine wants all of dh's attention. ALL THE TIME. She will even call doing her "getting so old, and probably won't be around next year" routine. She knows dh takes a holiday around school breaks, and I swear she probably has the school system in her favorites list, cause about 2 weeks before every holiday, she pulls this routine, making him feel like he better rush down and see her. He has wised up to the stuff, but it is sad. When she does start going down hill, we probably won't believe her.

    I guess I should be happy with what I have, cause at least she doesn't take out loans in our names! That is just insane! AND ILLEGAL! Geez. What is wrong with these people!!!

    HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!
    Hope everyone's was wonderful!
     
  9. deedee

    deedee Connoisseur

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    Feb 14, 2007

    This thread reminds me of that movie MOnster in Law with Jane Fonda ! lol
     
  10. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    BMAK...thank goodness you understand! I guess most of the people don't have this kind of MIL or they would still be posting. They have no idea what a huge stress it is on our family. Thank you for posting. It helps to know I'm not way off course in my feelings about her. I wish I didn't feel this way though, but when someone is a part of the family and they are "around," you can't just shake it off as easily. Tomorrow is our 32nd. wedding anniversary and guess what?! She won't say a word. It's not because she doesn't like me or us, it's just the way she is...only cares about herself and gets no good feelings from doing things for others.
     
  11. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    Grammy, I don't think you are overreacting. She sounds like a person I would NOT like to know.

    My MIL is wonderful and I'm blessed to have her in my life but my ex-MIL was nuts. Really wacko. Grammy, my ex-mil and your mil should get together and have a Being Idiots To Children & Hateful (B. I. T. C. H.) club. I'll even spring for the sign they could post outside their homes!

    Is that too mean? I thought about not posting that, but no, it's not too mean. She really was a witch.
     
  12. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    Feb 14, 2007

    Detest mine especially since my hubbie keeps making noises about having to get a court order and take care of her sometime in the next couple of years.

    *Even though she ran her own daycare for years, she barely acknowledges my kids, she never spends time with them when she sees them or even talks to them and she will buy us a Christmas present but not them (even though I told her to do the opposite).
    *She makes the stupidest money decisions including moving to bigger places to live when they get evicted from the first place, then she calls us in dire straights needing money before she loves everything and lives on the street. (I could do it, hubby can't).
    *She, of course, has never really paid us back.
    *It's all about her and what she needs.
    *She doesn't call hubby until she needs something and when she changes phone numbers she gives the number to others but not him.
    *When she lived with us for 4 mo and I was driving her around, helping her with resumes and applications, cooking for her (and family) every night and yet my husband was working opposite hours and couldn't help me when the baby kept me up ALL night long. They didn't help at all in spite of staying up all night and sleeping all day.
     
  13. Go 4th

    Go 4th Habitué

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    Grammy, my dh called on Christmas Eve to talk and say Merry Christmas and all that. She tells him that she went to the dr 2 weeks earlier and they found blood clots and are thinking she may have to have surgery. HE FREAKS! Ruins his whole Christmas. And the bad thing was, I was the one that pushed him to call. So 2 days later, she was going to the dr to get some test results back, and she wouldn't asnwer her cell phone when he called. He called for 2 days before she finally answered. He had left message after message and was getting frantic. She is old, but she is way more manipulative than anybody I have ever met. And I really hate it. I would love to have a good relationship with her, but I know that isn't going to happen. The worse part though is seeing how over the years my hubby has realized how she really is. It is sad. I hate it for him so much. She doesn't even ask to talk to the kids when she calls here. His dad had a heart attack the year before we met, so I have no FIL reference, but he must have been a saint to put up with her selfish stuff.
    We should start a MIL Anon! I swear though, no matter what I have to do, I will NOT be this kind of MIL. Hey Texas, can mine join the B.I.T.C.H. club? She would get upset if they didn't run it her way, so she wouldn't talk to the others for long. :)
     
  14. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Feb 14, 2007

    My MIL died before I met my husband. His step-mom died in '02 and she was awesome. She really understood me. I felt closer to her more than I do to MY step-mom.

    Wanna go onto a "strongly dislike" your Step-Mom thread?

    Tee hee.
     
  15. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    I don't have a step mom...my mom is very elderly and is a very kind hearted, good person. She has very little really, but she always remembers our birthdays...even with just a card or a phone call. She would give the shirt off her back. THat's how I was raised and that's how I am, so the MIL is just too much for me to even think about.
    I try not to dwell on the subject. It is just too upsetting, but then she calls and it starts all over again. I see the stress in my husband and there's not a thing I can do about it.
     
  16. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    Oh, I think there is a MIL web site, but it is too nasty. THey say very hateful things. I am not into that. I am just telling how I feel...not hateful, just upset and sad about this. I have to talk about it or I'd go nuts!
     
  17. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    Oh...she doesn't ask for money or anything like that. She is filthy rich and holds onto her purse strings tightly. We always pay when we take her out to eat or whatever...and we do the tipping, too. She expects it.
     
  18. Teacher4Kids

    Teacher4Kids Rookie

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    Feb 14, 2007

    Mine

    Mine is actually OK. I think that she reallly has her heart in the right place and likes me overall. However, there are things she doesn't like about me and she's not afraid to voice/show how she feels. My husband and I tease each other all the time. Just silly stuff like I'll be up from the table doing something and he'll say "Can you get me a glass of water?" and I'll just say no. Not really meaning no, totally kidding. But she'll say something like, "Oh, honey, I'd be happy to get it for you." I mean, please. Gag me. She doesn't like me to tease her "little boy" at all.
     
  19. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    Well, us "moms" are always looking out for out little boys! Hahaha! I know what you mean...but my MIL doesn't wait on her sons or anyone else for that matter.
    I LOVE waiting on my grown sons because I don't get to see them all that often!
     
  20. Teacher4Kids

    Teacher4Kids Rookie

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    Feb 14, 2007

    I almost forgot

    I think she has a problem with me being Catholic. She asks me a lot of questions about it (Hey, I converted as an adult - I don't have all the answers) and makes comments that indicate she has a problem with it. You'd think she'd get over my religion and realize that her son doesn't go to any church at all, unless he goes with me. You'd think she'd want to get that straightened out.

    And she also has given money to my hubbie's siblings to help them out of jams - DUI, college expenses, bills, etc. My hubbie has never gotten himself in a jam, so no money. He did tell them before we got married that the had a lot of credit card debt and was wondering about some help paying it off (with the provision that he would pay them back - he just wanted to get out from under the interest) and they said they would have to think about it. They never did offer to help - I got us on a budget and paid it all off. I guess I should just be proud of us for doing that and not worry about her.
     
  21. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

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    Grammy, I hear you. It is so very frustrating when our partners walk into the same dang trap over and over and we can't do anything about it. Sad, and also deeply frustrating. You know what would be funny? Program your MIL's name as "Don't Pick Up!!" into your phone so when it displays the name, he'll get the message. It may not stop him from answering, but at least you won't have to say it :)
     
  22. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    It's frustrating, but remember they are our partner's moms. They have heartstrings that we don't have for them. So while we hate them falling into traps (such as picking up the phone) or in my case (lending money to keep her stupid butt off the street), it's because they care for their moms in spite of getting a raw deals. That's a heart of a good man (as long as he isn't too much of a mommy's boy). So don't blame spouses too much for having a heart.

    Speaking from experience, my hubbie needs me to show him what's wrong with the picture and help him understand a better way to deal with it....to a point. After that, I have to back off and let him make a decision. Also if I start getting too negative about his mom (some frustration is okay), then he starts not to listen to my perspective, which he actually wants. It's a balance.
     
  23. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    changeofcareer, we do think alike! hahahaha...
    cutNglue, I do agree with your thoughts ... she is still his mom...even though he agree with me 100%, he has such a good heart that he can't turn his back on her. What hurts me is how miserable he is because of her. She has no idea how she affects him on a daily basis.
    Changeofcareer, we have to find humor or we would surely go nuts.
     
  24. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Feb 15, 2007

    How about SILs? She will be the problem when I get married. I tend to make sure I am busy when she is going to be around.
     
  25. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Connoisseur

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    I had to post to this. I too have the MIL from heck!! My husband and I lived together before we got married. Well, we got pregnant before we had actually planned too. It wasnt a big deal we knew that we were getting married, we just hadnt told anyone else at that point. So we announced that we were expecting and that we weren't getting married while I was pregnant. Something that we had thought about long and hard. One day when she knew that my husband wasnt going to be home till late she comes into my home and starts yelling at me about how we should get married before the baby comes. What will the neighbors think?? How will the kids treat my daughter when she is in school? I firmly put my foot down and said "No, we arent getting married until after I have the baby. WHo cares what the neighbors think and who the heck is going to tell the kids in school?" Ever since that day she has been disrespectful of me. She came dressed like a floozy to our wedding. Didn't help with anything for it. Acted like it was her day and not mine. I wont even get into the time she left a loaded gun out in her house when my kids were there. There are too many incidents for me to recount. You would be reading a nine page post just from me. The one thing that really bothers me about her right now is, my husband works overseas. Everytime she calls me to ask about how he is doing she says " How is MY son doing? Have you heard from MY son?" Well MY husband left home when he was 16. He was on his own until he was 30. We have been together for nearly 18 years. So by my count he has been my best friend and husband longer than he was HER son.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2007
  26. teachingforlife

    teachingforlife Rookie

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    Wow, this whole thread is like a page out of my life. My MIL, wow, no one should have gotten me started on this, it's too tempting. Let's see, when my husband and I started dating, his mom, and dad too, tried to break us up every way they knew how, from saying that I was using him (even though I paid each time we went out, just call me INDEPENDENT!!!), to trying to convince him that I was below his status (his parents are fairly well off, own two houses (BIG) houses, property in another state, own their own business, and my hubby's dad has a job earning six figures. They didn't even awknowledge that we were still dating until we had been together for FOUR years, then finally we told them we were getting married, and they finally decided I wasn't so bad. Now, we have been married for two years, live right next door to them (there is a field in between us but a continent would be better), and they rely on my hubby to do everything for them. If it snows, he plows their driveway first...they need firewood cut? My hubby does it because they need his help, even if we need stuff done too. My husband and I see each other about 20 minutes per day, except for Sundays when we go to church together. His parents EXPECT him to help, and if he says no, man can they lay on the guilt trip BAD. Meanwhile, we see his parents everyday, and mine about once every 2 months for about 2-3 hours. My parents only live 30 minutes away. Anyway, that's not nearly all of the story. My MIL wants us to have kids, badly, but we have chosen to wait for now, maybe for 5 more years. We are only 25, so that seems reasonable to us. His mom says every chance she gets how we should have a baby now, depsite me being vocal about it being our right to choose when we will have children....I mean we are the ones who have to be financially able to deal with it. Anyway, then there is those times that my MIL can see a light coming on in our house, when I get home, and calls me a SECOND later...

    I, too, am working to undo damage done to my husband as a child. My husband won't eat any veggies whatsoever...can you guess why??? My MIL wrinkles her nose at everything and wonders why her kids are so picky.

    THEN, there is the way she is judgemental over everything and everyone. She has actually called my SISTER a slut. Nice, huh? My sister has had a string of boyfriends for as long as my MIL has known me, but I don't talk much about that. My sister doesn't attend church or anything, and my hubby's family (and mine too) if very Christian. My family however, doesn't skip the part in the Bible where it says "Judge not, lest you be judged" and "The same stick you use to measure others will be measure unto you."

    I see my MIL as a highschooler, very clique-ish, and gossipy. I have a fifteen minute threshold where I can bite my tongue, then it all breaks loose. My MIL is passive aggressive, not right out there with her views but talks about everyone behind their back. You can't do anything right for her, so I don't try. One time I told her to "cut the apron strings and let her boy go."

    She even criticizes me for the shoes I wear. I have these shoes that are so cute. They are suede tennis shoes, that are brown with pink stripes...so cute, and she looks at them and says "I wouldn't wear those." So I said, "Guess it's good you don't have to, then, huh? You know I am half your age, so we probably won't wear the same things." Probably not nice but she said several comments that day. I try to avoid her like the plague.

    Ok, I feel better. :D
     
  27. teachingforlife

    teachingforlife Rookie

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    Sorry, guess I really went on and on...OOPS!
     
  28. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Connoisseur

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    My SIL gave used bath soap for a graduation present. SHe even went so far as to address the card to both me and my husband. Granted he did help me graduate from college, but I thought it was totally rude and disrespectful.
     
  29. teachingforlife

    teachingforlife Rookie

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    I am lucky there, my sister in law is great. Oh, I forgot to mention that the house we are renting is owned by my hubby's grandparents, who when we agreed to move in there, said they would be in Michigan (they primarily live in TN) maybe two weeks out of the year, and asked if they could stay with us, since we are renting the house. We agreed that was fine, and last year, they spent SIX out of an EIGHT month period with us at the house here in MI. This year, I told my hubby I would move out until they are gone if it is like last year. I need a vacation from my in-laws.
     
  30. JenPooh

    JenPooh Virtuoso

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    I love my in-laws...they live 3 1/2 hours away!!! :D LOL!

    Seriously though, I do love my MIL for the most part, but the one thing that does irritate me is that she thinks her son can do no wrong. UGH! Even if she doesn't think it, she acts like she thinks it. The other thing that bugs me (and I don't know why it bugs me so much) is that she never washes her hands after using the restroom. BLAH! I get flashbacks of the "bathroom thread" everytime I don't hear the sink running after she flushes the toilet. She has other quirks like everyone else, but because they live far away, they are tolerable and I don't complain much.

    I think the distance helps us. My FIL on the other hand is a very good man. He has helped us in a pinch so many times and he has such a wonderful heart.

    Now...I do have an insane sister in law though. I wont start with her. She is seriously mental and we keep praying my hubby's brother would leave her! I don't know how else to describe her other than she reminds me of a rabid beast on her good days. I guess I should be happy I'm the "good one" though. ;) She could make Charles Manson look sane though.

    Major Hunt...I take care of a little girl whose daddy is much older than his wife, about the same as you and your wife and I can totally tell just by talking to the two of them that they were made for each other. It just took a long time for them to find each other. :D I also have an aunt who is 12 years older than my uncle and I couldn't imagine either of them without the other one.

    Grammy...(((((((HUGS)))))))!!!
     
  31. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    My sister has been with her husband for 22 years. He is 18 years older than her. They are next to the only surviving couple in our family next to me (11 years) until our grandparents age. So on both sides of the family, we are the only 2 siblings and parents that have survived a marriage. My mom has been married 5 times alone.

    I really like the guy and always have. Our whole family does. The only thing that we didn't like was he met her when she was 16! To his defense though she kept her age from him for quite a while until she got pregant (their only child). I could never do that since I always looked a little younger than my age (baby face helps me now that I'm older though).

    My husband and I went against social norms in a way too. We were engaged by our 3rd date (1.5 weeks). We dragged the wedding plans out 7 months (and that was our getting to know you dating period). I would never recommend either of the two scenarios to my own kids, but love and committment can be a rare find sometimes.

    Age difference doesn't bother me as long as they are ADULTS at the time and for my own weirded mind at least 25. :) But then again at 19 I felt pretty grown up.
     
  32. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Feb 15, 2007

     
  33. Mamacita

    Mamacita Aficionado

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    My MIL is a very nice, ultra-conservative Pentecostal lady who speaks in tongues, throws up her arms and shouts "Hallelujah," and is the religion editor for our local newspaper. My husband is a spoiled-rotten only child who had no concept of sharing anything, and who expected to sit in his chair and have things brought to him. I am a liberal who puts up with nothing in the areas of entitlement and childishness. (surprise, surprise)

    I am not the wife she would have chosen for her son, but she has been nothing but kind to me in 30 years of marriage, and I'm sure that she will eventually forgive me for refusing to turn her son's socks rightside-out before putting them into the washer. In my house, the laundry comes out the way it went in. I am nobody's servant.

    That being said, my husband has learned to do a lot of things himself that his mother had no concept of a man ever doing. I think she is even a little impressed.

    Not bad for a woman so religious, she never even allowed her son to hang a stocking at Christmas.

    She doesn't always approve of me, but since she's stuck with me, she decided to love me anyway.
     
  34. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    That's hilarious because my dad says the same thing about my husband. He says he aint ever changed a kids diaper (liar, he had custody of me at 9 mo old). He did for a long time talk about all the stuff my husband does to help me and that I better appreciate it. :)
     
  35. JaimeMarie

    JaimeMarie Moderator

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    Feb 15, 2007

    She sounds like an interesting woman.
     
  36. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    My MIL really likes me a LOT! She has no idea how I think of her. We have always had holidays together and many other get togethers and I just make a point of getting along with her. She actually treats me better than her son! So, that's not even the problem. The problem is that I don't like how she treats her family and the fact that she is a miser. I could give countless examples, but you don't have the time to read a book about my MIL.
     
  37. Dzenna

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    Okay, I have to chime in!! When I went to my MIL's for with my husband for our first Christmas, she presented him with a photo album of him and his previous girlfriend!!! At our rehearsal dinner, she caused a scene by bursting into tears because she was unhappy that the gift opening was to going to be at my mom's house. One Thanksgiving, she silently cracked nuts and would not speak to anyone because we went to my parents' for dinner and her home for dessert that year. Over the years, she has sent nasty letters to me, my husband and one to my daughter when she was 8!!! She even sent my husband a "Dear Abby" article about a MIL who felt unwelcome at her DIL's house!!! Grammy, there is hope!!!!She is 90 now. She has mellowed in her later years. She will never be my best friend or caring and nurturing, but she is no longer caustic. Boy, that felt good getting that off my chest!!!!!
     
  38. gigi

    gigi Groupie

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    Feb 16, 2007

    Oh where to start? Hubby and I have been married for 35 years, and my inlaws are no longer with us. That is not to say that what they did to their son does not live on. His sisters were always favored over him, given whatever they wanted, and always had their hands out for more. We did everything on our own, worked hard and saved and asked for nothing. Hubby decided to work for his father when he opened his business and I actually tried to talk him out of it. Well, that didn't work, I think hubby wanted to get closer to his dad, prove something to him. It was horrible. I remember having phemonia, had a two year old and a newborn and I wouldn't stay in the hospital. Hubby stayed home with me, and father in law came to the house screaming and yelling that work comes first, family second and hubby needed to find someone to stay with me and get his butt to work! My two year old was standing right there while Grampie was yelling at Daddy crying her heart out. I never forgave him for that. The inlaws had Christmas at midnight on Christmas Eve, and for 7 years I dragged myself to this, eating a full turkey dinner and opening gifts, and getting home at 4 on Christmas day, grabbing a few hours sleep then going to my family. When we had our first child we decided together that we wouldn't be doing this. (The sisters of course dragged their kids out of bed and told them Santa came to Nana's house at midnight!). We sat down with inlaws and told them our decision, suggested we come up early and leave early and that went over like a lead balloon. I sat at her house many a Christmas eve afternoon with the babies and she wouldn't say a word to me only sniffled. I finally got fed up with it and refused to go. There is so much more, but I won't bore anyone with it. Just let me say that whether I like my kids choices in partners or not I vow not to act like a jerk or try to push my value or celebrations on them! Boy that felt good!
     
  39. txmomteacher2

    txmomteacher2 Connoisseur

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    Feb 16, 2007

    This was such a cathartic thread. We all feel so much better for having gotten all these things off our chests. I read each thread and think to myself, thank goodness that I am not the only one in this world who knows for a fact, that the woman who raised the men we married, are just crazy, selfish, women who really need to look around and see that their DIL's are not the bad seeds that they make us out to be. I have never said anything about her that isnt untrue. I have never kept her son or her grandkids from spending anytime with her. I have never been anything but nice too her even when I knew it was her that called CPS on me. Do I ever throw up the fact that she kept her sons from their father with lies that I can prove? I just hope that when I become a MIL that I will remember all the things that mine has done and said to me over the years and I will be one of the few, the proud, the great MIL's. And to those who have a great MIL, would you mind sharing with us who don't? After all a great MIL is terrbile thing to waste.
     
  40. Emma35

    Emma35 Connoisseur

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    Feb 16, 2007

    I thought I was the only one that did laundry like this. I will never, ever inside out socks before washing them. And if they come off their feet in a ball they go in the washer and dryer like that and then right into their drawers. I am not putting my hand into their stinky socks! I don't think my wonderful MIL would like this!
     

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