Mean girls as an adult

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by daisycakes, Jan 10, 2015.

  1. daisycakes

    daisycakes Companion

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    Jan 10, 2015

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We live together and are actively talking about getting married. However, his sister is really rude to me. For example, she ignores me at parties when I try to talk to her. She declines every single invitation to have dinner with us. During family holidays/vacations where we are staying in the same house, she often leaves the room as soon as I walk in. When she calls and my boyfriend picks up, she demands he "take a walk" so I can't hear what they are talking about (mostly about fights she gets in with friends). Most famously, she sabotaged my turkey on Thanksgiving.

    She is 30 years old. However, I feel like I am being bullied like a middle schooler again. I feel very hurt and cry after almost every family party/event. My boyfriend asked her about why she is doing this and she didn't have any specific reason other than she just didn't like me. She said I was "too quiet," "nervous" and "awkward." She couldn't point to anything specific I was doing that she didn't like. I feel like I do get quiet and awkward around her because she makes me so nervous! I have tried to be nice and to talk to her and she rejects all attempts to get to know one another better. My boyfriend feels like she feels intimidated by me because I am younger, prettier, employed and get a lot of family attention that previously went to her since I am "new."

    Last night, she called my boyfriend about her birthday bash. She told him she wanted him to invite some male friends to her party so she could meet a potential boyfriend (to her family's knowledge, she has never been in a relationship). My boyfriend said he didn't really want to do that, but he would try if he could bring me along to the party. She said no. She said there were a limited number of spots at her party, that there were too many females and he needed to bring male friends, not me.

    My boyfriend feels she is being selfish and unreasonable, but doesn't want to do anything about it. He feels like if he pushes the issue, she'll just be more horrible to me. He said he just won't go to the party at all. I feel like it isn't just about the party, it is about a level of disrespect I don't want to deal with for the rest of my life. He went to consult his parents today and they said she had ALREADY called them to complain that he had even asked to bring me with him and ranted about how it is her party and she shouldn't have to invite me. His parents told her to cut this all out, but she refused.

    What do you think about this? This situation makes me feel so bad about myself. I haven't had this level of conflict with someone since middle school.
     
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  3. ms.irene

    ms.irene Connoisseur

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    Jan 10, 2015

    I felt awkward around my husband's sister for a long time. She got upset around our wedding because she didn't feel we were involving her enough (although she never offered to help). She was also bully my husband into doing family stuff we didn't really want to do, and there were some other major issues that came up. I found consciously including her in things, even if I felt awkward, helped make it better over time. I also realized that she is really just an awkward person just like me, and that we are actually really similar in many ways. So I would say to give it time, keep showing that you love her brother and always treat him right, and I bet she'll come around eventually!
     
  4. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    If I were in your shoes, I would probably just stop communicating with her and attending events where she is present. I realize that might be easier said than done. I just don't have time or space in my life for dealing with people who don't like me.
     
  5. daisycakes

    daisycakes Companion

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    If I stop attending family holidays and events, they will be mad at me and think I am the rude one. That isn't really an option.
     
  6. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    What do the parents think about her behavior?
     
  7. Go Blue!

    Go Blue! Connoisseur

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    Jan 10, 2015

    This.

    I do believe in making a genuine effort when I first meet people, but once they make it clear they don't want to be bothered - I keep it moving. I have no time or energy to make an effort with people who don't appreciate it.

    Now, I am willing to keep the door open to fix our relationship especially if they are someone I will constantly see like family/in-laws and co-workers. But, they will probably have initiate things and do the "heavy lifting" when it comes to repairing our relationship.
     
  8. Go Blue!

    Go Blue! Connoisseur

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    Jan 10, 2015

    Go. Keep your interactions with her cordial, polite and brief.

    Honestly, as long as she is not encouraging your boyfriend to break up with you; I would just forget her altogether.
     
  9. daisycakes

    daisycakes Companion

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    His dad thinks she is being rude and says he is going to talk to her as well. He told my boyfriend he is starting to wonder if she has emotional problems requiring a therapist. His mom makes excuses for her, saying she wants an even number of males/females at the party. Another example: when the mom caught her sabotaging my turkey, she yelled at her in front of me and made a big deal. When my boyfriend went to talk to her (his mom) about it later, she said the sister was just confused and didn't mean to sabotage my turkey.
     
  10. Sam Aye M

    Sam Aye M Mr. Know-It-All

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    Jan 10, 2015

    I honestly would try to just ignore it as much as possible. Go to the events that you are invited to as a couple, be polite to her when you are there, and then go home. Interact with the others who are there, and enjoy yourself. If she wants to be mean and bitter, let her. It looks like everyone else has taken notice, so they know it is not you. There could be many reasons why she is acting the way she does, and it sounds like it has nothing to do with you personally, but her own issues/loneliness/insecurities. Be polite, be cordial, but don't be miserable because of her. Enjoy the family functions by interacting with the people who are happy you are there.
     
  11. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jan 11, 2015

    Your BF's family likes you and is not supportive of the sister's attitude. Just do what you do...show up, be kind, love your man. This is about her, not you.
    Just curious....what did she do to the turkey?:confused::dizzy:
     
  12. daisycakes

    daisycakes Companion

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    Well, there are 3 ovens in the kitchen we were using. I asked her which oven I should use for the turkey. She told me a certain one. I asked if there was anything I should know about it (runs hot or cold, etc.). She said no and then left the room. I put the turkey in that oven and it was there for over an hour and the oven never got hot. I moved it to another oven after that hour and she went crazy when she found out. I explained that the oven never got hot. She said, "I know, that's why I gave it to you!" When his mom was like, why would you do that? She said no one even likes turkey and her stuffing and brownies were more important than some turkey. Then, to "make up" for the amount of time the turkey was in the cold oven, she kept cranking it to 500 degrees without telling me.
     
  13. Sam Aye M

    Sam Aye M Mr. Know-It-All

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    What a b@$#h. She has problems, and they likely have nothing to do with you personally. No wonder why she doesn't have a boyfriend.
     
  14. daisycakes

    daisycakes Companion

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    One time, she brought a guy to my boyfriend's birthday party, just to get to know him (she brought several of her friends to his party and talked exclusively to them the entire time). Halfway through the party, she turned to her group of friends and declared he was "too dumb to date."
     
  15. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

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    Is she mentally stable? :dizzy:

    After reading about some of the things she has said/done, I actually feel sad for her! :(
     
  16. teachsph2008

    teachsph2008 Companion

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    Jan 12, 2015

    JAW DROPPING@turkey event! She sounds like a nut! I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. However, I would completely IGNORE her. I'd continue going to the events and stop caring what she thinks of you. I know it's easier said than done, but when others speak on your behalf, she knows that you care.
     
  17. Chrissteeena

    Chrissteeena Companion

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    Jan 13, 2015

    It honestly sounds like she needs to go talk to someone from what you have been saying. Just keep doing what you're doing and try and put what she thinks of you out of your mind (even though that may be difficult).
     
  18. daisycakes

    daisycakes Companion

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    My boyfriend talked to her twice, her mother talked to her once and her dad told her, basically, we're not paying for this party if this is how you act. She then sent me an evite and did not apologize or include any note. The evite said I would have to pay $45 to attend since I am not technically one of her guests. I told my boyfriend I'm not going (I have a Saturday PD that day anyway) and that I wanted him to speak with her more generally about being rude to me at every opportunity (I had told him from the beginning that I did not want to go since I feel unwelcome). So, he did and she insists she is NOT mean and that she "just wasn't thinking about it" in not inviting me. That is BS since her parents had to talk to her multiple times and she dug in her heels. Sounds like she thought about it a lot! I'm super-frustrated.
     
  19. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jan 13, 2015

    Daisy...I feel for you but do realize that yor bf's family seems frustrated with her as well. They know she's wrong, they've tried to intervene and she still acts I appropriately. You can't fix crazy. All you an do is continue to be indifferently cordial :D. Don't be put in the middle and don't put BF there either....it's not good for your relationship to dwell to much on the crazy sister's antics...
    My SIL is a pathological liar, manipulator and user....she has lied about having a terminal illness to extort money from family, knowingly brought swine flu to my home one holiday, and has nearly sucked her parents dry. DH and I pretty much ignore her at family functions. We smile, nod, and limit interaction with her. I'm sure she thinks we are somewhat standoffish but truthfully it's been a long journey of so many disappointments and lies so that indifferent cordiality is about the best we can muster...and it's kind of a place dh arrived at on his own without my nudging.
    It's difficult to be honest with yourself about family members' faults, but it seems your bf and his family are quite aware of how inappropriate his sister is and they are doing what they can to try to intervene without causing an irreparable situation....the sister may end up doing that on her wn however.
     
  20. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    Jan 14, 2015

    Just like a child who wants attention...just ignore her. Unless she tries to run you over with her car (hey, it sounds possible at this point) then just interact with the rest of the family. She's not worth your energy.
     
  21. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    I know a "mean girl" who is around 70 years old. I never ends!!!
     
  22. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    Oh, you should see her!! She's menacing. The worst thing is she pretends to be nice but if you get on her bad side watch out! She is a member of our weight loss group and I've seen her make at least 3 people quit because of her attitude. I am on her good side at the moment so she's not mean to me (yet) :lol:
     
  23. Rabbitt

    Rabbitt Connoisseur

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    Feb 14, 2015

    Go to events and have a good time.
    It seems like everyone else is OK with you.
    Help out with dishes and such.
    Sit with Grandma and Auntie Sue.
    See if someone wants to take a walk/stroll.

    This sister could be NASTY for your wedding.
     

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