Mandatory Pot Luck = No Gift?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Em_Catz, May 24, 2014.

  1. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    It is not generally considered rude to call family members or members of the wedding party for details about the wedding registry. Some people might be irritated at having to field those sorts of questions, but it's just part of the job of being a mother-of-the-bride or member of the wedding party.

    Those inserts are generally considered tacky. I'm not sure what part of the country they are acceptable in, but I suppose it's possible.

    Indeed it is also tacky to suggest on a wedding invitation that the presence of the guest or a charitable donation is the only gift necessary. That type of statement is usually given with good intentions, so I think that most people would overlook the tackiness, but still: gifts of any kind are a taboo topic on any official wedding-related document/invitation.
     
  2. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    I get your side too... but there are those in other states or fam members who go in on something to get for couple & they like ideas. So for us it worked. Did we expect things on our list...no. Did we get everything on our list ...no. Did we get things that we were like huh?....sure did but were we upset...nope.

    One of my fave things came from a teacher & hubby who hand made something for us. Do we use it no...but every time I see It I think of them and their love for us.

    I see a wedding as a way you support their love & if giving them something to help than so be it. My sis had her house done when she got married...her & hubby really wanted this ocean side dinner on honeymoon so that's what we gave them. She didn't ask, but told me if they got money from wedding that's what they were going to do with it.
     
  3. amakaye

    amakaye Enthusiast

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    I agree with Caesar. Any mention of gifts, even saying "Donate to charity instead of giving us a gift", still implies that you expected a gift in the first place. Now, is anyone going to be so offended that they refuse to come to your wedding? Probably not... :) And just having a registry does not mean that people have to buy off of it; it's simply available in case people want to know your tastes/style/needs.

    As for the showers, I've never heard of the mom or bride-to-be being involved. Etiquette says that you do not throw one for yourself, you can simple accept if someone else offers to throw one for you. And other than approving the guest list (especially for a wedding, as no one not invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower), you really shouldn't be involved at all.
     
  4. amakaye

    amakaye Enthusiast

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    And that's perfectly okay, and a great way to handle things! When people ask what you would like or if you are registered somewhere, it's totally okay to tell them. It is just considered tacky/rude in most circles to put that information out there unsolicited in the invitation, because it implies an expectation of gifts.

    Plus, with most registries accessible online now, a simple google search for a couple usually turns up where they are registered...
     
  5. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    Ama.. well I helped with my baby shower & my cousin did my wedding shower.... Up here most help...may not buy the things but I helped set up take down, helped with guests lists...

    Different areas different things. I truly have not seen wedding invite, baby or bridal shower without registry UNLESS it was a second marriage...
     
  6. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    We are just going to have to let it go.. so why register if you don't let people know? I guess to me I'm eliminating that try to get a hold of person to ask....
    I see your point...but where I'm from it's not considered tacky.
    I only said this book thing was because although this is dad's 1st baby it's mom's 5th baby...so.....weird....
     
  7. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    I don't buy the tackiness angle for wedding gifts. To quote Sheldon Cooper, buying gifts for weddings is a "Non-optional social convention." Since buying gifts is expected, making that process as easy as possible seems perfectly reasonable. It also lets people participate in a wedding they can't physically attend by sending a gift.

    I have no particular plans to get married, but I'd fully expect to include a link to a wedding registry. I don't have 40 people to all bring me the same thing, and I CERTAINLY don't want to have to deal with tons of "where are you registered?" phone calls when I'm dealing with the wedding stuff. If that's tacky... so be it.
     
  8. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    When my friends are getting married, I just go to Target or Macy's or BB&B or wherever I know they shop and search for a registry. Nine times out of ten I find one and buy something from it. If I can't find one, I call my friend or someone involved in their wedding and ask. It's not really a major undertaking for me to figure out what they want.
     
  9. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    And I'll put it out there... given the amount of money I'd be spending on a wedding, and the amount of money I'd be spending for each person to be there... yes, I expect they'd bring me a gift, preferably at least equal to the amount that I spent on the food they ate, the serving place they sat at, and any adult beverages they consumed. I wouldn't flat out TELL somebody that, but I wouldn't have any particular qualms thinking it in my own head.
     
  10. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    There are a lot of things that we do in the name of etiquette that we probably don't need to do. Using paper invitations is one, now that we live in a world of text messages and Twitter. We (most people, anyway) do it because there's something comfortable about the tradition. That's what etiquette is all about.
     
  11. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    gr3...I had always heard that is what is recommended...

    Found this...
    A lot of times, gift etiquette can also be regional. It's not uncommon to see cash gifts at weddings in the tri-state area, while in the other parts of the country, such as the Midwest or in the southern areas of the U.S., physical gifts or registry items tend to be more common.
     
  12. kcjo13

    kcjo13 Phenom

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    A trend I've noticed is wedding websites (Facebook, the knot, etc). The invitation lists the address, then the website links to the gift registries. A roundabout way of listing it, yes, but perhaps a 2014 version of etiquette?
     
  13. amakaye

    amakaye Enthusiast

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    kc, that's what we did. We have a lot of other information on there (hotels, maps, etc.). If people want to go looking for it, they can find it.

    I do believe it was put in our shower invites, but again, those weren't done by me.
     
  14. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    What if they are coming from out of town and spending much more than the food and drink on transportation, hotels, and additional food costs? Would you expect such an elaborate gift then?

    Not challenging, just wondering.
     
  15. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    I don't think anyone is arguing that having a registry is tacky. What could be tacky is how the registry is advertised to guests.
     
  16. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    If it's that much of a hassle for them to come, I'd prefer a very nicely worded "thanks but no thanks" email.
     
  17. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    What if it is not a hassle, just expensive? I didn't mean to imply it was a hassle.

    The reality is, if you invite out of town guests it will be expensive for them. They will ultimately outlay more money than the cost of the plate and drinks.
     
  18. teachinnola

    teachinnola Rookie

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    This is really interesting to me because my brother got a girl pregnant (they are barely in their 20s, no careers, not much school, depression on her and my parents, etc). My mother wanted me to put money in to subsidize the shower - like $100. I am not going to the shower, I live too far away, and in their situation I think $100 would go farther in diapers or formula or anything else, really, so I suggested they just do a pot luck. My mom thinks that's tacky, maybe I'm just cheap, but I don't see anything wrong with the pot luck and gift. Just spend less on the gift.

    In this case, though, I'd probably just bring a dish and a card.
     
  19. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    If it's enough money that getting a gift would be an unreasonable expense, then it's a hassle.

    I'd never consider attending a wedding without a gift. If I couldn't afford to go to the wedding and give an appropriate gift, I wouldn't go. Weddings are really stinking expensive and are generally held by young-ish people who are only starting out.
     
  20. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

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    But in the past the parents paid for the wedding. It isn't so much anymore, but that has been etiquette and tradition.

    I'm not saying getting an expensive gift would be a hassle. You keep adding hassle into this. If you invite an out of town guest knowing it would be more expensive for them to come and celebrate the joyous occasion should the bride and groom expect a gift as expensive as the plate and drinks?

    If your answer is that you would still expect the same priced gift, that is fine. I'm just wondering if you consider the expense people will have to pay to come to the wedding as part of the "gift".
     
  21. teachinnola

    teachinnola Rookie

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    I've gone to several weddings out of town lately ($1000+ dollars to get and stay there), always brought an appropriate gift, but I have to say... if the couple expects to recoup the cost (partial, full whatever) of the wedding from the guests because it was "so expensive" they need to trim down the guest list, learn to budget, and lower their expectations. Ridiculous. If you can't afford the wedding, sorry, don't have it.
     
  22. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    I don't, though I say that from the perspective of somebody who wouldn't attend a wedding for somebody if I couldn't give them a gift, and also from the perspective of somebody with no particular desire to actually go through the wedding process.
     
  23. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    Bridal and Baby shower invitations always come with a little registry card any time I've gotten one. That's just the way we do it. I think one of my cousins didn't do it and 90 people called poor Aunt Jane bugging her about where Suzie was registered. That could get annoying. This topic is 100% going to vary by location and/or extravagance of the party. A potluck or BBQ for a wedding would probably make some of my relatives have a heart attack so, nope, that won't fly. Uncle Fester will think that is terribly tacky! (and no I don't have an Uncle Fester but wouldn't that be fun?).

    ETA: I'm not sure if anyone is really helping the OP with her dilemma but if everyone just brings a potluck dish it does seem the parents aren't really expecting anything for the baby. Maybe they just wanted a get together with people. I have no idea (I would love to ask them though!!).
     
  24. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Virtuoso

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    TeacherNY.. agree.. You could do the dish something simple... lots for under $5. You could go to a store get some bubbles or bath toys.


    I guess my point in all this it's my choice whether to gift or not so if they have registry can pick something up in my means or something I think useful.
     

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