Mama's Boys

Discussion in 'Debate & Marathon Threads Archive' started by Ms. I, May 31, 2011.

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  1. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    OK ladies! Are you dating or married to one? How's it been so far? :)

    Yes, the way the guy treats his mom & sister(s) is a reflection of how he'll treat me, however, if a guy can't go 1 day or every 2 days w/o hearing his mom's voice, that's going too far for me. Once a wk, maybe OK. (I'd feel the same if this was w/ his dad too.) There comes a time when a man needs to grow up & have his own life & mk his own choices w/o checking /w mom about everything. Major things are different maybe.

    I never dated 1 & my current BF isn't one, thank God. I don't want to feel as if I'm competing w/ his mom. For those who have good experiences & can work around it, that's great! :thumb:

    BTW, a while ago, there was a reality dating show called Mamas' Boys. Did anyone ever watch?
     
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  3. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    My husband has a great relationship with both of his parents, but is far from being a mama's boy.
     
  4. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    My Mom is dead, Ms. I ....... I wish I could talk to her...... I consider myself a Man's Man ....... been that way almost forever.

    I left my Mom's nest when I left to go to college......... Never lived with my parents again..... As I recall you still live at home in your 30's ... with your Mom ... so isn't it time for you to move out. I think you would find life a lot better "on your own."....... This is only a suggestion ..... and I mean no harm. So consider getting out on your own..... and live your life with just you at the controls ..... Major........:hugs::hugs:
     
  5. TennisPlayer

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    I agree with Major.
     
  6. catnfiddle

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    Rockhubby is not close with his mother, but she isn't a particularly warm person to anyone. The only times she and I have had deep conversations have been when I've taken her to the hospital to have ports put in or removed for her chemotherapy. Otherwise, she is very business-like in her dealings with me and her son. However, we're both glad to have her despite two major battles with cancer.

    Me, on the other hand? I'm a daddy's girl who is still struggling with having moved so far away from my family I only see them a few times a year. Rockhubby's answer to this is to put me in charge of the phone bill.
     
  7. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    I agree with Major. Now, I'm a female so this may be different, but I talked to my mother every day when she was alive. I don't think my hubs had a problem with that. Now, my mom has been gone for almost 6 years (July 9) and I wish I could talk to her just one more time.
     
  8. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Wow.
    I would never resent my dh talking to his mom...I talk to mine daily...
    How do you balance the reality that you live with your parents yet you would resent a man who had a good relationship with his mother...a bit of a double standard? I don't mean to be critical, but some of your comments seem to contradict others...just trying to understand where you draw the line...
     
  9. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    Daddy's girls are very special, cat....... I used to have one...
     
  10. TennisPlayer

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    I miss my MIL who passed in Oct. We both miss her calls....
    Why are you asking abt peoples moms?
     
  11. YoungTeacherGuy

    YoungTeacherGuy Phenom

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    I am a mama's boy! And proud of it!!!

    My mom and I are both teachers and we either see one another or talk on the phone at least 4-5 times a week. We always have a lot to talk about and we tend to vent to each other about our jobs (we don't teach at the same school) but we also talk about our students' successes and strategies that we use in our classrooms!

    I am the first born child and my mom and I have a special bond. I admire her and appreciate everything she has done for me. She and my dad put my brother, sister, and I through college (they started saving for our college funds when we were born).

    I truly can't imagine not having a close relationship with my mom!
     
  12. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Good for you, YTG! You sound like a caring, kind, loving MAN.:thumb:
     
  13. Major

    Major Connoisseur

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    My mom and dad are gone........ I still have my FNL and MNL... and they are soooo special...... My wife talks to them about every other day. I talk to them less frequently but have a very special relationship... They've always treated me like royalty. I dread the day when they are gone.........
     
  14. LUCHopefulTeach

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    I am a Daddy's girl and talk to my parents almost daily. My husband's mother isn't a very nice or warm person- she resents the first family she had/created so she isn't close with my husband at all and I know it bothers him.

    I think it's very immature and hypocritical to live with your mother at this stage in your life yet look down on 'mama's boys' who talk to their mom more than once a week. :2cents:
     
  15. kcjo13

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    I'm raising a mama's boy. But, to be fair, he is daddy's boy when daddy is on the lawn mower...

    Come to think of it, I'm also raising two mama's girls. I hope all my children have a special bond with me, no matter who comes into their lives.

    And I pity the fool who tries to break that bond...
     
  16. YoungTeacherGuy

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    I think my mama would highly agree!
     
  17. Marci07

    Marci07 Devotee

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    I don't think there is anything wrong with a person, male or female being close to his/her parents. I think the OP refers to a situation when this type of relationship affects a marriage. An example would be when a married man/or woman constantly allows mom/dad to make important decisions that should be made only by the married couple.

    I dated a guy who let mom completely control our relationship and he couldn't make a decision on his own. One time he wanted to get back with me and I just asked him about what his mom thought. He couldn't answer so finally I got rid of him. At 28 he was still living at home. It's ok to have support and stay in touch with parents but at a certain point we all need to make our own decisions.

    I also don't see why Ms. I is getting so much grief about living at home. We all know that there are stereotypes about the roles of men and women in our society. When a man lives at home when he's older it really says a lot about his independence. As a man, he's expected to be independent. A woman is supposed to be nurturing and caring and not so much independent so living at home when she's older it's not that big deal. Even though we have advanced in society, these expectations still exist.
     
  18. kcjo13

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    Really? I'm not sure what society that is, but I hope I'm not in it. Seriously, I don't think there is that big of a double standard between the sexes. It is 2011, after all.
     
  19. Ms. I

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    Did I say anything about if your parents have passed away? That's totally different. Of course anyone who's had a good relationship w/ either of their parents would miss them & wish they could talk to them if they were no longer living.

    And Major, I wish you wouldn't throw it in my face that I'm some kind of hypocrite (although you didn't say the word straight out) because I'm bringing up this topic yet still live at home. So do some other people on this board due to whatever circumstances they'e been dealt. Believe me, I'm trying to get my own place ASAP & once I do, as close as my mom & I are, I don't plan to talk to her every single day...not to sound harsh.

    We all went different paths in life & don't all live by this timeline where we all graduated by 22, have our jobs & homes by 24/25, are married by 26/27 & have our 1st child by 27/28. Yes, that sounds great, but it doesn't happen to everyone that way. I don't have kids yet either, like many people my age.

    Of course there's nothing wrong w/ people being close to their parents. But, Marci07 seems to be one of the only few so far who understands what I'm talking about.
     
  20. Special-t

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    One of the reasons I married my husband was his relationship with his mom. They truly enjoyed each other's conversation and company. They often talked daily and sometimes more often if they had something fun or funny to share. I thought she'd live many more years than she did. It was a terrible blow to lose her at 72. I think a "mama's boy" is a man who can't make a decision without mom's approval. That's far different than a man who enjoys conversing with his mom.
     
  21. msmullenjr

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    First, I think a few people came across as a little mean to Ms I, hopefully it was unintentional since that is not like us to do.

    On topic, I'm not sure exactly how often my SO speaks to his parents, but I think it is almost daily (like me with mine) but it doesn't interfere with our time together. So I assume it's not the "momma's boy" situation that you were asking about. Both of my boys are very close to me, more than any of their friends. They are not embarrassed about it, in fact a lot of their friends like to talk to me when they are here. One of my older son's friends came to me when his girlfriend broke his heart, he said "Can I talk to your mom... She'll understand". He is being raised by his grandma... no mom.

    So maybe my kids are momma's boys...:eek:hmy:
     
  22. LUCHopefulTeach

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    Yes, but Marci has been in a relationship with a 'mama's boy.'

    On the other hand, you admitted to never dating one. So its a little off-putting that you have such strong statements about something that you have no experience with or primary knowledge of. Your original post made some sweeping generalizations about mama's boys.

    Remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. You live with your mom so you don't really necessarily miss her, want her advice, want her guidance in the way that those who don't live with their moms do.
     
  23. Cerek

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    Why does it "really say a lot" about a man's independence if he lives at home when he is older, but doesn't say the same about a woman? That is a HUGE double-standard.

    I did live independently for several years, until the day my ex said she wanted me out of the house (because she was cheating on the marriage and had become tired of having to "sneak"). My lawyer told me if I refused to leave, she could call the police and have me forcibly removed and could also deny any visitation to my kids for a year. That didn't leave me very many options, so I moved back in with my parents.

    Four months later, my father suffered a stroke and became terminal as multiple health problem slowly wore him down over the next year and a half. I helped my mom care for him and my boys (when they were with us) during that time. Having me and the boys in the house after dad passed away gave mom a continued purpose and kept her from sinking into a deep depression after losing her life partner.

    I also lost my own job and suffered a severe health problem just a few months after dad passed away. I didn't have a steady paycheck for almost 2.5 years because of this. Although I never missed a single Child Support payment (even when I was hospitalized for 6 weeks with no job), I simply cannot afford a place of my own, even now. I guess that makes me less of a man in some people's eyes, but then I really don't care what others think until they prove they could survive everything I've been through.

    Oh...I'm also a Mama's Boy and proud of it. My mother has always been one of my closest friends and wisest advisers. She has extreme compassion and a natural instinct to see the bottom line in any situation. Even when I lived on my own and with my ex, I still valued her advice (and my dad's) before making any major decision (like buying our house). I didn't always follow her advice, because sometimes I felt my own judgment and instincts were better in a given situation, but I still valued her input, just the same.
     
  24. Ms. I

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    Well I know what I want & don't want. I never dated a guy w/ kids either & I don't plan to. So now you're saying we all have to experience something to know that we don't want it? So let's all try drugs so we'll really, really know that we don't want it. I mean come on!

    And to everyone else, let's not get off topic about who still lives at home & who was out at 17 & had to fend for themselves out in the cold, heartless world, blah, blah. Not trying to get into an argument, I'm just choosing to reply to what you said. :)
     
  25. LUCHopefulTeach

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    Wow! That was quite an argumentative reply that had little to do with my post. Your use of extremes (drugs) was rather pointless. Drugs and being a mama's boy are vastly different. Most importantly drugs are illegal whereas, talking to your mother daily is not.

    I have nothing more to say. I wish you luck in staying away from Mama's boys.
     
  26. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    Cerek, your post "really says a lot" about your character. And it's all good.

     
  27. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I think it's entirely possible to understand a point yet disagree with it.

    As a group of intelligent adults, I think we're all capable of understanding your original post.

    But quite a few people seem to think there's yet another double standard here, and that's what we disagree with.

    I sincerely hope that my son-- and my daughters-- spend the rest of their lives as close to Peter and me as they are today. Of course the relationship evolves, but I hope and pray the closeness never goes away.

    I've seen Peter rip roaring drunk twice in the 25 years we've been together. The worse was the night his dad died. He was hurt beyond measure. I'm guessing that makes him a "daddy's boy" by some standards. In my book, though, it makes him someone who loved his dad with his whole heart. How on earth could I not love him more for that??
     
  28. Ima Teacher

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    My DH is one. My MIL lives quite a distance from us, but DH talks to her regularly. When he is around her, he falls into "helpless mode", but he also does that with me. I think it is more an Aspergers issue than a Mama's boy issue.

    Right now DH is staying with his mom because she broke her wrist. She can't drive or do a lot of stuff right now.

    I was a daddy's girl, but I am also really close to my mom. I even lived with my parents until I was 29. I was still very independent.
     
  29. TiffanyL

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    Ms. I, I know that some of the responses sound harsh. You seem very non-accepting of most types of people. The majority of people don't even make the worthy list of using your bathroom.

    Maybe you are getting such harsh responses to this thread because other posters feel that they have to step up and defend the many different types of people you have a negative view toward.

    I don't think harsh is what they want to be but they are urging you to look within yourself rather than out at everyone else.
     
  30. scmom

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    I know what you mean about not wanting to date/marry a man that is more involved with his mother than he is with you but I think you need to redefine what you think of as mama's boy. When you say you wouldn't want your s.o. to call more than once a week that sounds very controlling to me. Would you limit how much they can talk to friends too? Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you should be isolated from the people you love and, in fact, that is a warning sign of spousal abuse - not saying you are in this situation - but isolation is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

    I am close to my boys who are young adults and have had trouble with 2 girlfriends. One tried to split my son from his family because she wanted to be the center of the universe. I fought it hard because I knew the type of person she was - she lost this battle but it was ugly. By the way she was pregnant by someone else and in drug rehab a few months later (moms sometimes know best). A current girlfriend tried to do the same thing but she mellowed out over the years and so did I so it is okay now. I don't try to run my boys' lives but I don't want them in a relationship where the woman controls them either. Neither is healthy.
     
  31. chemteach55

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    My son is a mama's boy and I hope he stays one for a long time!! My daughter's are also mama's girls. My oldest is now 23 and just got her first teaching job. We have given her one year to live at home for free. Next summer I will be pushing her to buy her own house because she needs to learn some independence. I will still be very close to her and talk/text everyday. Independence does not mean that you cannot talk to your parents daily because I moved out of my parent's house when I was 21 but I still talk to both of them everyday.
     
  32. math1abee

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    Cerek I have read quite a few of your posts and you sound like a man that any woman would be lucky to have in their life. You sound intelligent, kind, and like an excellent father. I don't think living with your mother at home is any measure of your character.

    As for the topic, my husband doesn't speak to his mother. She hurt him quite a few years ago when he was young and she is so childish she believes it is his fault and wants him to apologize. I won't go into detail but he is a sensitive, loyal person and once you hurt him that badly its over, you've lost his trust. I do not know her, I've met her once, but I would not mind if he spoke to her every day, I've actually tried to encourage their relationship somewhat. On the other hand I speak to my family daily, whether through phone calls or texts. I love them very much and could not imagine them not being in my life.
     
  33. Cerek

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    Ahhhhh...thanks. That's very sweet. :eek:

    I'm very much like your husband; if someone does or says something completely out of line, I have no problem severing ties with them completely. In fact, a very good friend of mine made a very shallow remark one night when we were in college. He lived in the "popular" dorm and was very concerned about his image. My roommate and I have never been in the "popular" crowd, but we were both friends with this guy since high school. We stopped by to visit one night with a third friend who (I must admit) could have been the poster boy for Computer Geeks R Us (even down to the horn rim glasses with the taped nosebridge). Later on, our friend came to me and my roommate and said "It's ok for YOU two to visit me, but please don't bring Friend 3 around with when you do. This is the "A group" dorm and he just doesn't fit that image." I stared at this guy who I THOUGHT I had known for several years and I'm sure my opinion was very easy to read on my face. He gave a nervous laugh and said "I know that's shallow of me, but..." I cut him off and said "Yeah...it is, but don't worry about it. I promise you won't have to worry about either of us hurting your "image" anymore."

    I turned around, walked off without another word and didn't speak to him again for more than 20 years.
     
  34. 3Sons

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    I don't think you're necessarily being a hypocrite here, Ms. I, but I do think you're making a rather shallow and unconsidered judgement. The statements regarding your living at home are a bit unfair so far: you didn't say you'd reject guys for living at home or that living at home automatically made them "momma's boys". If you would, then they're merited. If not, people are making an assumption about what you're saying.

    I tend to agree with Tiffany, but then I see you do things like cite Johnny Weir as someone you're fascinated with. Before you knew of Johnny Weir, would you have had any idea you'd react that way? I can't imagine you would. So, then, it's rather hasty to pick an arbitrary social characteristic and imply you'd reject people based on it.

    Suppose a guy did come along who you fell head over heels about, but was a momma's boy? Would you be leery just because of that, without having any firsthand knowledge of what such a relationship would actually be like?

    Maybe I've got the intent behind your post wrong, though. It could be that the reason you put this out there is precisely because it's an issue you're dealing with internally, and want to hear opinions, rather than being something you've already made up your mind regarding. If that's the case, please realize that the negative comments are due to your phrasing.
     
  35. holliday

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    My husband is a borderline Mama's boy. He was raised by his mom (no dad) so it's understandable to me that they are close. Personally, I think it's made him a better husband. He is sensitive, thoughtful, and respects women. He's also still a big, strong, hairy man, so it's a nice balance! :) lol
     
  36. Ms. I

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    Well, I have my opinions & know what I want & don't want like everyone else. I guess I look like the odd duck, bad guy, whatever you want to call it because I don't think like most people here. When I start a lot of these threads, I'm stating what I think about it & then many people reply. Each of our posts are no better than anyone else's. I'm not trying to persuade anyone of anything. At the end of my posts, many times I say that for those who do differently than what I think, that that's great.

    I probably wouldn't write him off right off the bat. I'd see how it is & if I'm willing to either learn to get used to the situation or if it's definitely too much for me to handle. I'd then make the decision to stay in the relationship or not. I don't consider it selfish if someone doesn't want to put up w/ a mama's boy or doesn't want to date a guy w/ kids for example. It's one's perogative to want what he/she wants.

    My BF treats his mom great, but he doesn't cross the line on mama's boy behavior. It's when the parent-child relationship affects one's own relationship that it's a problem. A guy calling his mom everyday may be OK maybe if she's been ill, etc. & he's checking on her, but just to say hello & talk about what they're doing that day IMO is a tad much. I consider my mom my best friend, but I don't plan to talk to her daily. If I miss one little day or more, I don't think the sky will fall!
     
  37. DizneeTeachR

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    I call my mom everyday & my dad usually every other day & sometimes everyday. I call other fam member everyday. It doesn't have to be long drawn out conversations, but just to check in.

    I think as fam member grow older & some are alone I figure they probably need someone to talk to as well!!!

    I'm not sure what that makes me?!?!
     
  38. Major

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    It makes you an exceptionally nice, considerate person, Diznee... (but I've always known that..) :)
     
  39. DizneeTeachR

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    Thanks... :blush:

    I'm just saying pertaining to the standards... I have been close with a lot of my fam, so I really can't imagine not calling!!!

    Gotta go... gotta go call a fam member... LOL!!! (I do really though)
     
  40. waterfall

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    Jun 1, 2011

    I can see Ms. I's point if the guy is that type that literally just can't function at all without his mother. I've never dated anyone like that, but I had a few friends in college who were "mama's girls" and it was frustrating. My senior year college roommate jumps out as the biggest example. She would literally talk to her mom on the phone for 3-4 hours (this is NOT an exaggeration) every night about every single thing she did that day. On weekends, she would literally call her mother numerous times throughout the day- sometimes up to 5-6 times (again, not an exaggeration). My mom knew about this and she even wondered how this girl's mom had so many free hours to talk to her- doesn't she want to at least have some sort of life of her own? My roommate would ask if I wanted to go grab dinner somewhere, and then her mom would call and she'd spend the entire meal at the restaurant completely ignoring me and being on the phone with her mom the whole time, even while eating. How incredibly rude- and then she didn't understand why none of us wanted to go out to dinner with her anymore! Any time she had to make even the smallest decision, she would talk to her mom on the phone about it. One time, we were at bed bath and beyond looking for a tablecloth, and I kid you not she had to have a 30 minute tablecloth discussion with her mother before we could purchase one. Even our senior year, at 22 years of age, her mom was still calling this girl's dr.'s and making appointments for her, cashing her checks at the bank, etc. etc. This girl was someone I'd been close with in high school, but in college she was so obsessed with talking to her mom all the time that it was literally impossible to have any kind of real friendship with her. I can't imagine trying to date someone like that!

    I also can't imagine how she's going to possibly function in the "real world" when she has to make decisions on her own and function as her own person! The job market in our home city is just incredibly bad right now, and this girl refuses to look for any jobs that are at all away from home. She's going to be looking for a long, long time. I have a great relationship with my parents, and I'm very fortunate to have them. I can totally understand the feeling of wishing you'd talked one more time if you lost one of them. However, being close/having a good relationship is different than having a totally unhealthy dependent relationship on your parents. My parents raised me to be independent and I am extremely grateful to them for that. I moved several states away this year to follow my teaching dreams and I am doing great. I love my job and literally feel blessed to work with such an amazing group of teachers at a wonderful school. I'm content living on my own as well. Someone like my roommate would crash and burn within a day of living in my situation.
     
  41. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 1, 2011

    waterfall, now see, this is what I'm talking about. A person who can't have their own life or make even the smallest decisions without consulting mom/dad. Your old roommate's behavior was totally way too much, but obviously it wasn't if someone asked her.

    But you see guys how that would be frustrating & bothersome if you were dating or married to someone like that? No one can actually enjoy being w/ someone like that...unless maybe if they're the same way. :dizzy: I wouldn't want to be friends w/ someone like that either. If she can't have a nice night out w/o getting on that phone, I would have been so fed up after giving her a few chances, I'd tell her I'm leaving & that she should just stay home if she's going to talk the whole time for hrs. Sheesh!
     
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