Just so sad

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Flanny108, Jan 2, 2015.

  1. Flanny108

    Flanny108 Rookie

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    Jan 2, 2015

    I'm not necessarily looking for advice, just need a place to say what's on my mind. I found out in October that my husband had been having an affair. Our marriage hasn't been the greatest, in fact we split up a few years ago, but got back together because I thought we had worked through some of our big issues.

    Well now here I am with a 3 year old and I don't want to be with him any longer. We were not happy together before the marriage, and now this just kills me. I cannot get over the fact that he did so much to hide the affair from me...so much lying.

    If I didn't have my child, I would up and move back to my home state, but I just can't do that. Despite what he's done I cannot take my daughter away from her father. She just thinks the world of him.

    Our house is worth about $30,000 less than we paid for it even after putting in about $20,000 worth of improvements. If one of us moves out the other couldn't afford the house payments. Well, maybe we could if that person scraped by. However it would still be in both of our names and he has made it clear that if his name is on the house then he will come here as often as he wants. I know I could buy him out, but that would give me a $220,000 mortgage, which would be rather challenging on a teacher's salary.

    Basically, I came to the conclusion that I would really struggle if I divorced him, and I wouldn't be able to see my daughter everyday which would pretty much kill me.

    So, we're thinking about trying to live in the house together, but with separate bedrooms. That way we would be able to both see our daughter and we wouldn't be broke. I know there are probably flaws in this arrangement, but I don't know what else to do.

    I know that he would fight me tooth and nail for custody, and for any money we have in the bank. I really wish at this point that he was a dead beat dad.

    We are both in counseling individually and are starting couples counseling next week. So hopefully she can help us work this whole mess out.

    This just sucks so much. And to make matters worse, a neighbor is actually dating a married man. So every time I see his car in her driveway my skin crawls. It's like it is being rubbed in my face every day.
    ugh
     
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  3. comaba

    comaba Cohort

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    Jan 2, 2015

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves that.

    I hope you'll talk to a lawyer even though you're not thinking divorce. Depending on your state, you may be able to file a legal separation while living in the same house, and that may provide some ground rules for use of the house (for example, guests...).
     
  4. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Jan 2, 2015

    Good for you for going to counseling because no matter what happens, you deserve to be able to share your feelings without reservations. You aren't responsible for your husband's actions, and I admire you for putting your child's needs ahead of your own. With good help, an unconventional arrangement may just be able to give you some peace of mind, so keep working toward that. Hugs.
     
  5. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    So sorry this happened to you & that your daughter is in this situation. You're a pretty new member on this board, but if you've read many of my past posts, you'll see I'm all about never letting anything surprise us in life & that we can't trust people. Yeah, I'm pretty suspicious of people's actions, not that anyone's done anything to betray me to make me feel that way...just how I was raised.

    Well, there's some things I or each of us could say, but you ultimately are going to do things the way you want to do them. I personally wouldn't be able to still live in the same house myself, but I wish you & your daughter the best.

    Just to give you a similar story, my BF's dad had many affairs on his mom. His mom had a total of 4 kids by him...should have stopped after the 1st two (twins), but she stayed in it "for the sake of the kids" she says. One of her younger sons actually resented her for staying in the marriage w/ the no-good bum & didn't talk to her for 2 yrs because he says, "If dad's no good to you, he's no good to any of us kids." My BF thinks his mom also should have left him much, much earlier. Currently, BF's dad's been married to this lady who already knows he's cheated on her too, but chooses to stay w/ him. Ugh! They never had any kids together.
     
  6. TeacherGroupie

    TeacherGroupie Moderator

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    Jan 2, 2015

    My little house was split into a duplex by the couple who owned it before me when they divorced. One of the couple got two bedrooms and the big bathroom, and the hallway got turned (somewhat clumsily) into a little kitchen complete with a compact gas range; the other got the living room, the kitchen, the little bathroom, and the littlest bedroom with the teeny closet. The door between the two parts was an exterior-quality door with a keyed lock and some signs of... damage.

    The arrangement you describe, which I've heard called "nesting", works only if each party is scrupulous about respecting the rights and safety of the other. It's not clear to me that your daughter's father is the best candidate for this. Do please consult a good lawyer who specializes in family law.
     
  7. Flanny108

    Flanny108 Rookie

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    Thank you for your kind words. I'm just trying to work through different scenarios to do what will be best for me and my daughter. This one actually just came to me today. The fact that I have to make certain decisions because of money is absolutely ridiculous. It I were a millionaire I would be writing a different post.

    I know what they say about staying together for the kids, but part of me is concerned about what her life would be like if she were with him for 3 or 4 days a week without me. I don't trust that he would give her the proper bed times, healthy meals, and all of those other things that I have tried to do to give her her best chance in life.

    The counselor that we selected also has experience as a mediator, which I think will come in really handy.
     
  8. creativemonster

    creativemonster Comrade

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    Jan 2, 2015

    Oh my heart goes out to you. There have been other posters on here who have gone through all too similar situations. Everybody's situation is very different but I still say the same thing. Please oh please, separate finances as much as possible and if possible please tuck some money away that he doesn't know about. It sounds like you are seeing the same counselor? Are you getting time to talk to someone by yourself? That is important - You need to be thinking about YOU. Keep breathing. keep posting.
     
  9. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Yes, I've always been all for that too! In fact, I'd recommend to all wives even from the start of their marriage to do this. Not to say that their marriage is doomed to fail, but in preparation for IF it does because no one knows what will happen tomorrow.
     
  10. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

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    Jan 3, 2015

    :hugs:
     
  11. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Jan 3, 2015

    I think that a marriage and family therapist can help you. I suggest also finding a therapist for yourself alone.

    For what it's worth, I don't think that you should plan to stay with your husband if you are unhappy with him. Although it might seem better or easier in the short term, I think that the long-term effects on your daughter could be serious. She will live what she learns from you. Do you want her to think that it's normal to stay in an unhappy marriage or that married people typically don't love each other or sleep in the same bedroom?
     
  12. Flanny108

    Flanny108 Rookie

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    Well today we went out together as a family and I was like "nope, this is just no good." So he is going to move out for a few months and we'll see where we go from there. We are in couples counseling as well as individual. I have also heard to keep money for yourself, but never did. The day after I found out about his affair I started having money pulled out of our joint account. I'm really glad I did that now.

    This situation is such a roller coaster of emotions for me. It all seems so cut and dry until you are in the situation. I appreciate all of your thoughts and of course I'm going to do what is best in my situation.
     
  13. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    I don't care for this advice. All this does is lead to secrets and mistrust. If my SO wants to keep money to herself, that's fine, and if I want to keep money to myself, that's fine, but it needs to be above-board. My SO and I keep separate accounts anyway, but if we had a joint account, I put my entire paycheck in it, and she just put part of hers in it while keeping some in a secret account, I'd be royally ticked off.
     
  14. MrsJay

    MrsJay Rookie

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    I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope that as the time passes by that you are able to find clarity and make decisions based on the best interest of you and your little one. Have you considered selling the house and moving into something smaller that you can afford on your own?
     
  15. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    :thumb:

    And in the case of a divorce, not disclosing hidden assets is a crime.
     
  16. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Funny no one says anything to creativemonster, who initially brought it up.
     
  17. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    Squirreling money away is common sense during a divorce. Hiding money during a supposedly happy marriage is a divorce waiting to happen.

    I also responded to you because your post is the more prominent of them.
     
  18. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Be smart.

    According to Forbes, "While having an account in your own name for your own use is not at all the same as hiding assets so they can't be part of a divorce settlement agreement, you want to be careful not to cross that line. You have to disclose all of your accounts on the financial affidavit that is part of divorce proceedings. If the money in that secret account was not separate property and was accumulated during the marriage, It is still marital property and will be divided accordingly."


    :hugs:, Flanny.
     
  19. creativemonster

    creativemonster Comrade

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    Flanny,
    I certainly didn't mean to do anything not legal - I meant have your own safety net if possible. Never have gone through a divorce, I don't know what is legal or no. I just meant to take care of yourself as best as possible, which it sounds like you are doing. Please do talk to a lawyer about your fiscal options - get a professional's opinion. I suspect all of us are wishing you the best possible outcome with the least possible amount of emotional pain. Hugs.
    -monster
     
  20. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

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    Flanny~I have been in your situation; however, the difference was that we were not living together at the time since his job had taken him 8 hours away (which did make it quite easy to cheat without me knowing). We were going to try to work it out after I found out about the affair because we have a daughter; however, he wasn't willing to change his ways so after a few months, I decided to divorce. Well, we've been divorced a little over a year. I received the house but his name is still on it. It is more difficult to make the payment; however, it can be done with budgeting. I hope everything works out for the best for you. I know that I never thought I would get divorced, but it's actually the best thing that has happened to me.
     
  21. comaba

    comaba Cohort

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    Very uplifting, smalltowngal. :)

    I also went through this many years ago. In retrospect, it was good for me as well. However, it was difficult for my kids, so I understand Flanny's initial desire to keep things the same as possible for her daughter.

    I want to clarify one thing that Flanny mentioned in her OP. If you file for a separation or divorce, you can ask for exclusive use of the family home. If the judge orders that, which is typical, then your husband will have no legal rights to enter the home, regardless of his name on the title.
     
  22. Flanny108

    Flanny108 Rookie

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    Really??? That would be awesome...although I'd feel like a punk, because his money was what we used for the downpayment on the house.


    Thank you...It'll be a struggle I'm sure, I'm sure I can learn to be thrifty.
     
  23. Bella2010

    Bella2010 Habitué

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    No advice, just wanted to send hugs your way!
     
  24. comaba

    comaba Cohort

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    Well, he kind of brought that on himself, didn't he?

    I didn't mean to imply that you would be able to keep the house forever without compensating your husband at some point. At least, for the near future, you shouldn't have to worry about that though.
     
  25. scholarteacher

    scholarteacher Connoisseur

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    Jan 5, 2015

    I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband left in 2002 after multiple affairs. Due to my lawyer, who turned out to be crooked, I'm not getting alimony even though we were married 26 years. If he's stepping out, I'm sure you can get a divorce in any state and expect alimony and also child support. Prayers for you. PM me if you need anything.
     
  26. vickilyn

    vickilyn Multitudinous

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    I scanned the posts, and so much depends on what state you are living in. If it is a community property state, you will find much more splitting things that have a monetary value down the middle, unless there are extenuating circumstances. As far as custody, that is a lawyer question, and one that I wouldn't put off getting answered for too long. Custody has many factors so just fighting for custody doesn't guarantee getting custody, especially for the father. In this case, with a young child, judges tend to give primary custody to the mother, but a lawyer is who you need to ask. Get a good lawyer - it will be money well spent. Things like a house, cars, etc. can be sold and the money divided if there is no easy solution. Sometimes one person buys the other out if there is something that is near and dear to them. This is where the horse trading aspect of a divorce become evident. Since this is a repeat offense, I, personally, would say farewell and move on, even with a daughter. Some people just don't take their marriage vows very seriously. For every infidelity there is a chance that hubby has brought a disease home to "share." That is a tragic truth. People shouldn't have to worry about whether a cheating spouse is having safe sex, but it is something I would speak to my MD about. There is nothing shameful in making sure that all you are left with are bad memories - it could be worse.

    Stay in counseling, at least for yourself. It is a long road to feeling whole again, but possible. Good days will be followed by bad days, and the cycle will slowly stabilize. This is not something that you should try to figure out or mediate without professional help. Too much is at stake. I do wish you well, and hope that the good days will begin to outnumber the bad days in the near future. There will be a brighter future, so hang onto that.
     
  27. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

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    So sorry you are going through this. I have a friend who's husband decided to live/sleep in the den after being married for 4 years. She eventually told him she wanted a divorce (oddly enough he never said anything!!!!). I guess they did live in the same house for a while but once they spoke with lawyers he did move out. I don't have any advice just want to wish you luck.
     
  28. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

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    I am so sorry you are going through this. It is such a difficult situation. I think it's important to remember that you don't have to make a decision over night. There's no rush to figure it out. It sounds like the counselor is a great choice. I wish you the best as you work through this in whatever direction you choose to go.
     

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