Jealousy Becomes Her...

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Em_Catz, Aug 4, 2013.

  1. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Has anyone ever lost a friendship due to jealousy? I recently did and it was jarring and really took me off guard.

    I think it's human nature and okay to envy something about someone else occasionally (ie: i envy that Betty just had a baby and is back down to a size 2 without exercise or diet whereas I am 60lbs over my ideal weight and haven't had a kid yet, BUT i am happy for Betty and hopeful i will achieve both goals). But when you start to feel malicious and resentful, that's jealousy and extremely toxic.

    I have another friend, Veronica, who loved being around me when I was depressed and miserable from a dead end relationship.

    Then i met my husband and she started pulling away though i kept calling and texting her and encouraging the positive aspects of her life.

    After my wedding i asked her if she was okay because she had stopped responding to my calls and texts. She said she was having a hard time and feeling depressed and jealous because all her friends were getting married and she isn't. She said she feels like she'll be alone forever.

    Then she starts on this contradictory tirade that she's been pulling away because i am a bad friend to her. Funny thing is she couldn't give a specific example because there were none.

    I told her i was sorry if she had been feeling ignored or not seeing me as much but to remember i WAS planning a wedding, plus there were two deaths in my immediate family, i just started grad school and have been dealing with an on going personal illness. Plus getting used to my new in-laws and living with my then fiancé.

    I also reminded her that we talked at least 3 or 4 times a week all school year (our lunch breaks were at the same time so we used to instant message or text about the kids, celebrity gossip, religion, the struggle to lose weight, etc)

    When she said she didn't care, said she was tired of putting all the effort into our friendship and that it was over and to have a nice life with my wonderful, new husband, i felt more sorry for her unhappiness than angry at her. I suspect she was attempting an energy transfer (basically she is angry and unhappy so she wanted to try and make me feel angry and unhappy so it would lessen her own bad feelings)

    At this point i feel like it stinks to lose someone i considered a friend, but then if to be my friend you can only be there for the bad and not the good, then it's better you reveal yourself now and not harbor hate and resentment for years until it bubbles up to the point where you cause some true damage in my life. :2cents:
     
  2.  
  3. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2010
    Messages:
    6,392
    Likes Received:
    2,252

    Aug 4, 2013

    When someone is depressed and has thoughts that are not accurate, there isn't much you can do other than try to support them (or not). Her reality is much different than yours. People create their own reality through their thoughts. Seems that your friend needs help, but I don't think you will be the one to do it because her issues go beyond the support you can provide.
     
  4. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2001
    Messages:
    24,959
    Likes Received:
    2,116

    Aug 4, 2013

    Sometimes the following poem helps in such friendship breakups :

    People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
    *
    When you figure out which one it is,
    you will know what to do for each person.
    *
    When someone is in your life for a REASON,
    it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
    They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
    to provide you with guidance and support;
    to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
    They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
    They are there for the reason you need them to be.
    *
    Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
    this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
    Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
    Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
    What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
    The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
    *
    Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
    because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
    They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
    They may teach you something you have never done.
    They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
    Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
    *
    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
    things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
    Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
    and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
    It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
    — Unknown
    *
     
  5. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    :yeahthat: At this point, I feel like even if she were to get serious help (which knowing her, she probably will never do) I would still feel uncomfortable being around her. My grandmother always used to say, "A jealous person will kill you."

    It was just odd to me that she was able to acknowledge her true feelings, then in the same breath turn around and start spewing lies against me.

    It's almost like if I saw a crazy person talking to themselves on the street and they stopped and go, "Yeah, I'm talking to myself because I have an undiagnosed mental disorder and the voices aren't really there" then they go right back to talking to themselves.

    I always felt like if you are aware of an issue in your life, you're able to work on it. If you're unaware/ignorant to it, there's little you can do.

    Thank you so much for posting that Cza. I'm going to copy paste it into a Word Doc and print out a copy and tack it to the bulletin board near my desk.

    I've heard my mom and other people say, "All people come in your life for a reason, some stay a lifetime or for a season." I thought it was just a quote, didn't realize it was an entire poem.

    Perhaps now that my season of unhappiness is over, this is the universes' way of bowing Veronica out of my life. It's sad because I didn't just see her as someone to vent to, I considered her a true friend that I could share happy and sad news with, but I am okay with decision.

    Maybe this will be the catalyst that helps her see the error of her ways and get some help.
     
  6. Ted

    Ted Habitué

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2006
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Without hearing her side of the story, I can only offer this advice:

    It sounds like she was there for you when you needed a shoulder to cry on: "...who loved being around me when I was depressed and miserable from a dead end relationship."

    Maybe she needs you and she's striking out. I mean, it should be to her credit that she admitted her jealousy and that she is just feeling lonely and such. We've all been there. Maybe put yourself into her shoes.

    Friendships have their bumps. And it seems that you "considered her a true friend that I could share happy and sad news with". Well, is that friendship worth going over these bumps? Or did you just want smooth sailing?

    To me, it just sounds like she is hurt and when we're hurt, we often strike out at those nearest to us (whether it's warranted or not).

    Sorry if this wasn't the advice you wanted to hear... I'm a guy. I tend to lay things on the line. :)
     
  7. itsGrape

    itsGrape Rookie

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    I agree with Ted. The fact that you came on a public anonymous message board to try and get people to 'agree' with you says something about you as well. This is a petty post...
    In my eyes, with what you've posted, it looks like you are the lesser friend of the two.
     
  8. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013



    Nope, wasn't expecting smooth sailing. When she kept retreating, I kept reaching out.

    I acknowledged her feelings and I told her that I wasn't pulling away, I just had a lot going on. I said verbatim, "It's not that I haven't been around because now I have a relationship so I don't need you. I legitimately was dealing with a lot."

    She said she didn't care. To me that in itself is hurtful and something most people would break up with a friend over. But I didn't.

    I told her that the door to our friendship is open on my side and she was the one who basically said screw you, I don't want to be friends.

    I've had friends in tough spots, but the difference is they haven't turned ALL their anger on me. If for Veronica to feel better she has to verbally and emotionally abuse me, then no, the friendship is not worth it to me.

    I've been there, done that. I'm a shoulder to cry on, not an emotional punching bag. :thumb:
     
  9. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    If you read the first line of my post, you'll see that I asked if anyone had ever been through something like this. I wanted to share experiences. The responders choose to focus on their opinions of what happened. And that's fine. It's a chat forum and people can say what they want.

    Grape (if that IS your real name :lol:) instead of venting to friends and putting Veronica's business out there and adding fuel to the fire, I decided to come online. I have no idea the type of person you are because I don't know you personally and if we've ever talked over the forums, I don't remember and I'm not going to search through the archives trying to see if we have.

    You say my post is petty? For all I know, you're a petty, nasty person on and offline, so I can't put much stock into what you say.

    If you don't like that, then that's your decision. Have a great day. :)
     
  10. itsGrape

    itsGrape Rookie

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Obviously people have had "similar" experiences. You really weren't looking to hear them. You wanted people to agree with you, that you "did the right thing, she's the bad friend, she's ________." THAT is what you were looking for. To say anything else is not the truth.
     
  11. Ted

    Ted Habitué

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2006
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Hehe um... just for the record, I wasn't stating that that was a petty post... (and I apologize sincerely if that is the message you got from my post).

    Also, I didn't want Em_Catz thinking I meant that as well.

    Just wanted to get that disclaimer out there. :)
     
  12. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Thanks Ted. I appreciate your posting because you've responded to other stuff I've posted before and I've read your other responses on this forum enough to know you're not malicious or making judgements, you're just giving your opinion. E

    ven if it's different than mine, I always respect what you say for that reason.

    No love lost. :thumb:
     
  13. Ted

    Ted Habitué

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2006
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Well, I certainly hope things work out for both you and "Veronica". As I said, I haven't heard her side of the story, but if it's meant to be that a friendship is re-kindled, I hope it is...because friendships are pretty darned cool. :)
     
  14. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Maven

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2008
    Messages:
    5,614
    Likes Received:
    1,726

    Aug 4, 2013

    Ok, I'll bite (although my first reaction is for you to get rid of all your friends and start over. Betty, Veronica, Archie, the whole gang...). Anyway, I had a best friend in high school and when we went to college she became quite jealous. We would talk on the phone (we went to different colleges) and basically when she asked what I did on the weekends, friends I had, etc, it seemed like she was jealous because she stayed in and studied when I studied but also had fun. Her parents were very strict. Finally, when I mentioned a boy...that did it. She never talked to me again. I would call her house over the summer and she had her sister pretend she wasn't home. It was very strange. We obviously lost touch and I was sad but I moved on and made new friends. She recently found me on Facebook and said she missed me and we chat sometimes. I forgave her for acting like that towards me so maybe you just need to give your friend some space and time and let her figure out her own issues. You have to like yourself before you can really be in a healthy friendship/relationship with others.
    P.S. I don't think Grape is her/his real name... :p
     
  15. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2007
    Messages:
    14,601
    Likes Received:
    2,711

    Aug 4, 2013

    I'm sorry that you seem to have lost a friend. I'm not sure if the friendship ended because of jealousy or because you weren't there for your friend (either for real or in her perception). In her defense, it does sound like maybe you weren't as available as you might have thought you were, what with your grad school, deaths in the family, wedding planning, meeting the in-laws, living with your new fiance, and personal illness. Sometimes texting isn't enough to maintain a friendship, especially if a person needs/wants you to be there for them in a different, more personal way.

    When I was in the depths of my depression, it was hard to want to do anything with any of my friends. They would reach out and I would pull back. It hurt me to pull back and I knew that I was damaging the friendship, but I knew that it would hurt more and be even harder to actually go out and do stuff. I was at a place mentally and emotionally where I just couldn't do certain stuff--that was my depression in action. If your friend is actually depressed, and not just using the word when she really means "sad" or "bummed out", then she might be feeling something similar. Maybe you might want to give her a little time and then reach out to her again. If you don't want to do that and would just rather cut ties, you're certainly within your rights to do that, too.
     
  16. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Thanks Ted. To be honest, I hope so too. I feel like if Veronica does come around, I wouldn't give her the cold shoulder, but I wouldn't just put my heart on my sleeve and open my life 100% to her.

    I meant what I said about the friendship door being open. It's up to her if she wants to walk through it.

    And yes, friendships do indeed rock. :lol:
     
  17. smalltowngal

    smalltowngal Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2007
    Messages:
    17,362
    Likes Received:
    46

    Aug 4, 2013

    Em~I'm sorry that you lost a friend over this. I love the poem that cza posted. We do have friends that are in our lives for just a moment and then we have ones that are there for everything..the good and the bad. I've never had to deal with an actual conversation with the ex friend. We just kind of drifted apart and haven't talked in awhile.


    Grape~I don't find Em's post petty at all. One of the great things about this forum is that we can come here and ask for professional advice as well as personal advice. Sometimes what we need advice on can't be shared with people we know in real life so this forum is great for getting a variety of opinions and advice from lots of different people.
     
  18. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    :lol:

    Thank you for sharing NY. I'm really glad to hear that your friend reached out to you, even though it was many years later. It's kind of sad though...assuming she was a good friend, she missed out on so much time that you guys could have been enjoying one another.

    I agree about having to like yourself. One of my favorite lines from a MCR songs goes, "Your misery and hate will kill us all." I find that so true. If a person is miserable and unhappy and the only way to feel better is to make me feel bad, then I feel the friendship needs to end or space should be provided.[/QUOTE]



    I agree...I think what I should have realized is that when we were a lot closer, we used to text all the time, but we were "making up for it" by going to Happy Hours for Singles (and other singles events) each weekend. Then when I stopped doing Singles events with her, I could've either invited her out for coffee or a movie to make up for that time, but here I am thinking, "Well I AM still calling and texting. Nothing's changed" when it indeed it had.

    That's good food for thought. :thumb:

    I'm not sure if I should reach out to her or not. Right now I feel like she's in such a hurting/angry place that the more I try to draw her out, the more she is going to lash out.

    Over the last year, I've seen her cut off another friend from her job and when the girl would call her, Veronica would go on and on to me about how much of a loser the friend was and say, "I'M SO DONE WITH HER! WHAT IS SHE CALLING ME FOR?! GET A LIFE" and not answer the phone or answer and act mean.

    So, we'll see.
     
  19. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    :yeahthat: Thank you STG :love:
     
  20. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2006
    Messages:
    7,946
    Likes Received:
    4

    Aug 4, 2013

    To answer your question: yes.

    My best friend for years always had boyfriends and was very social in school. I didn't and wasn't. She married very young and had a child. When I first got together with my now husband, after she was already a wife and mother, she was horribly unsupportive. She wasn't interested, she doubted his interest in me, and just "didn't want me to get hurt". Please trust me when I say there was no reason for that. Except! I realized I played a particular role in her life and that was as someone she always thought was "less than" herself. She didn't think I was worthy of finally having love. I was supposed to be the friend with no life who could focus on her relationship and drama and so forth. Now, where she came up with this idea of me is a mystery. I'll just remain polite and say I was certainly not "less than" her.

    Thirteen years later, I think she was jealous. She was jealous I was attending a private college while her college plans were put on (permanent) hold so she could have a trainwreck of a wedding and then struggle as teen newlywed in a rocky marriage and poor parent. My relationship, and maybe even who I was in a relationship with, just pushed her over the edge.

    It's sad, but...eh, the whole season and reason thing rings true.
     
  21. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2001
    Messages:
    24,959
    Likes Received:
    2,116

    Aug 4, 2013

    Oh my. Em Catz is a long time member here...she's not petty and given her time here, shes not really 'anonymous'...we may not interact in real life, but we do get to 'know' each other here on the forums..don't want to speak for her, but I can empathize with the loss of someone's friendship. :hugs:
     
  22. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2010
    Messages:
    6,392
    Likes Received:
    2,252

    Aug 4, 2013

    :yeahthat:

    I made a mistake. I didn't look at the user name when I responded. I just responded to the information provided. I have to agree with Ted on this. This is similar to advice I have given to you before. I think it might be the same person you asked about before who you were upset with. Is this the friend that was always there for you when you were depressed and crying all the time? If so, seems she should be expecting the same from you.

    Sorry, Em. I have to say, thinking of the backstory, that it seems that you aren't giving to your friend the way she gave to you. She is hurt and angry and yes, depressed.
     
  23. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    hey, you're thinking of Betty, the one who had a lot of wedding demands. this is someone else. but regardless i agree you should be there for a friend. however when you keep reaching out and the friend doesnt respond or pushes you away then is verbally abusive and saying go away i dont want to be friends, i have to back off.
     
  24. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    i agree that some friendships are successful when one person is fullfilling a need (sometimes selfish) for the other. It's sad that someone so close can be so malicious. I hope that you were able to overcome the pain and move on to meet other wonderful, new TRUE friends. I don't know your religious beliefs, but i am a Christian who believes ''God don't like Ugly'' and in karma. If you put out a lot of negativity and nastiness, it comes back to you. That's not to say bad things don't happen to good people too, but you get back you receive. Thank you for sharing and i'm glad things took a turn for the better in your life. :hugs:
    Thank you so much for saying that Cza. I am by no means a perfect person, but my intent on and offline is never to be petty or nasty. Sometimes I disagree with people but I try to keep it respectful. I don't like a lot of drama and negativity on and offline.:hugs:
     
  25. a2z

    a2z Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2010
    Messages:
    6,392
    Likes Received:
    2,252

    Aug 4, 2013

    Backing off is one approach. You could have apologized for the lack of face time with your friend without the justifications for the lack of face time. An "I'm sorry. I should have tried harder to find some time to do something with you among everything else I was doing." would have gone a long way to mend the friendship and to help her feel that she wasn't being abandoned by everyone that was moving on with their lives. Sometimes acknowledging the situation instead of justifying it makes people more receptive. Defending your position and justifying makes them more hurt.

    You sure have a heck of a lot of drama in your life.
     
  26. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2001
    Messages:
    24,959
    Likes Received:
    2,116

    Aug 4, 2013

    Oh my.
     
  27. chebrutta

    chebrutta Enthusiast

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2008
    Messages:
    2,489
    Likes Received:
    2

    Aug 4, 2013

    :hugs: Em. I've actually been the friendshipender. I had a good friend -we'll call her Jane - who I "broke off" a friendship with. I heard some rumors about why we weren't friends anymore, including that I was jealous. I wasn't jealous. I was severely annoyed and fed up.

    I was tired of being the one initiating plans.

    I was tired of making plans and having those plans broke at the last minute (multiple times when I was in the car on the way to meet up. This happened a lot - like four out of every five times.

    I was tired of actually having the plans held up and she'd spend the night texting with her boyfriend.

    I was tired of being the one who initiated every phone call, email, or text.

    I was tired of phone calls where she would talk her boyfriend in the background more than she would talk on the phone with me.

    So I quit calling, texting, and emailing and didn't hear from her for two years... Until I started getting Save the Date and bridal shower/wedding invitations. I didn't go. We hadn't been friends for two years. But according the rumors, I didn't go because I'm jealous that she got married before I did.

    I'm not saying that you did these things :). I am saying that Veronica could be perceiving some things very differently from you.
     
  28. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    First off :hugs: I'm sorry that happened. Friendships seems so easy (I like you, you like me. We like some of the same things. Let's be friends!) but it can be tricky. I think the time for friendships to end comes when one or both parties are not willing to admit their wrongs and to actively work on it.

    In your situation, I feel like you were totally justified in breaking off the friend ship. No one wants to feel like they're the only one putting in effort. That's not fair to you. If others want to talk and say you're jealous, screw 'em. You know the truth.

    When I look back over our friendship, I think about when we were the closest. And that was when she was in a relationship with someone and I was miserable in a bad relationship.

    She loved hearing all the "juicy" details of my failed dates and how my then boyfriend kept letting me down. She also enjoyed telling me how the guy she was on-and off again dating was so amazing.

    Then when things started looking up for me and her beau and her didn't work out, the dynamic changed. She wasn't interested in me anymore. She'd still talk to me, but didn't want to hear anything about my now husband.

    I feel like BOTH of us made mistakes, but because she is pointing the finger and doesn't want to take any responsibility for her role in our failing friendship, I doubt it can be saved.

    I agree, our perceptions of the situation are probably totally different. However, I can admit that and I apologized to Veronica three times and kept trying to reach out so we could talk this through.

    *sigh* Friendship rocks, but it's a slippery, slope.
     
  29. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    There in lies the differences of love languages. For me, if I had a friend that suddenly went "rogue" and they just said, "I'm sorry for hurting you and making you feel ignored. Let's be friends again," I wouldn't be as receptive as if they apologized and explained they had a lot going on in their life and didn't mean to make me feel left out or ignored (which is what I did. Several times.)

    Veronica on the other hand may have preferred what you said. At the end of the day, I feel like it's very rare for one person to be 100% at fault and both parties should acknowledge their part in an issue between them.

    Believe me, I could go on and on about some shady, hurtful things Veronica has done to me (including stranding me at a Singles Happy Hour because she & another friend decided to leave the bar to hook up with some guys :whistle:) but I forgave her and we talked it through because to me, that's what good friends do.

    She can't/won't show me that same courtesy of talking through our issues, so at this point giving her space is what I can live with.

    Thanks for the advice though. It's good to see this situation from another perspective. :)
     
  30. sue35

    sue35 Habitué

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    897
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    I will admit it, I can kind of see both sides here. What I don't like, is that in almost every response you have made, you have said more mean things about Veronica. I wonder, if you think all these bad things about her, why were you ever her friend? I wondered that about the other friend also.

    When you apologized to her for being unavailable did you try and make plans to see her? I see how it would be hard, she saw you every week and now never sees you. But I see why you had a lot of your plate and I agree it is hard to reason with someone who is depressed. As long as you tried to see her in person more, and she backed away you did all you could. But like I said earlier, why would you want someone as a friend if you really think they only like you when you are down?
     
  31. kpa1b2

    kpa1b2 Aficionado

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2002
    Messages:
    3,274
    Likes Received:
    38

    Aug 4, 2013

    I have, or at least I think I have. From my perspective, my best friend had moved to California with her then husband. Her FIL paid for their flight to come to my wedding & be my Matron of Honor. When she got to my hometown, all she wanted to talk about was how she was going to divorce her husband when she got back. He didn't know this. She complained constantly about him. I didn't want to hear this at when we were getting her dress fitted, getting ready for rehearsal and all that goes along with it.

    We didn't speak for years. 24 years later we're facebook friends but that's it. We probably both didn't handle the situation well, I was focused on my wedding and she wanted to talk. At the time I chalked it up to her being jealous because I was getting married and she was getting ready to file for divorce. When we did reconnect on fb, I wrote about the hard times and glossed over the good times as I had learned through friends of her challenges over the years.

    If she's depressed, she may be lashing out at everyone & everything. That's what I did. I cut myself off from everyone! Most of my friendships didn't survive as a result. Those that did survive, underwent a drastic change.

    And Em, you're not petty!
     
  32. Curiouscat

    Curiouscat Comrade

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2011
    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    Sometimes friendships just end. You have to cut your losses and move on.
    I had a friend that I asked to participate in my wedding. She didn't like the role I asked her to fulfill. What I asked her to do would have meant the world to me and she knew why. Because it wasn't what she wanted she disappeared out of my life. She wouldn't even give me the time of day!!!!
    All I could and can do is look back and smile at the fun memories prior to all of this wedding stuff. I do shake my head though when I hear about how she has done similar things to other people. I think people have their"thing" and they tend to continue that "thing" as they go from one relationship to another.
     
  33. thirdgradebuzz

    thirdgradebuzz Comrade

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2010
    Messages:
    405
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 4, 2013

    I wonder if it's possible that Veronica is reacting like this because her experiences up to now with friends who have gotten married resulted in a significant loss of time spent with that friend. Being single myself, I've had this happen to me more than once as well. She could be treating you this way almost as a defense mechanism because she "sees it in the cards" that your time hanging out, talking, etc. will be slipping away now that you're married. From what you've said, it already has been. So in a way, I feel her pain. If you want to restore the friendship, I would make an effort to restore the relationship. If you don't have tons of time to do so, even shooting her a text occasionally lets her know you haven't forgotten about her.
     
  34. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 5, 2013

    I'm glad that you didn't let one friend's negativity put a damper on your good time at the wedding. I think it takes a lot of maturity and the grace of God to be able to put aside jealousy when someone has something you want for yourself and to be happy for them.

    I almost asked Veronica to be a bridesmaid because I felt like we were close...glad I didn't. I'm sure that would have propelled her negative feelings even more so.

    I do agree about some people having a "thing" and to be honest, I do put some of the blame on myself because I have known Veronica for almost eight years and I've watched her go through her few friends like tissues. None of them are still friends with her except her sister (who lives in another state and is in a bad marriage that she wants to escape). In her words they always "Do her wrong" and eventually there's an ugly break up.

    I shouldn't have trusted she would treat me any better but that's something I have to work on in myself. When someone (even a friend) shows me who they are, I have to believe what I see, and not keep my head in the sand.

    Talking about things on here has been therapeutic. I'm not going to swear I will or won't ever be friends with V again, because who knows what the future may bring.

    Thank you and everyone else for sharing your advice, experience and opinions. :)
     
  35. TamiJ

    TamiJ Virtuoso

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2007
    Messages:
    6,886
    Likes Received:
    232

    Aug 5, 2013

    Jealousy is very dangerous! I actually feel bad for people who spend their time and energy on being jealous because that means they only focus on what they don´t have instead of what they do have. In my opinion, if she is willing to drop you over essentially nothing (her own jealousy issues), then she isn´t a real friend and certainly not someone you need in your life. Try to surround yourself around people who lift you up and are positive, true friends will never intentionally try to bring you down.
     
  36. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

    Joined:
    May 13, 2004
    Messages:
    5,913
    Likes Received:
    172

    Aug 5, 2013

    Never happened to me, at least I don't think. I do recall past friends who didn't contact me as much as before, but I never found out why, so don't know if it was jealousy on their part or not. I don't like to automatically assume that people are jealous of me.

    Em, I hope your friendship can be restored & if not, maybe the friendship has run it's course. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime.
     
  37. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,150
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 5, 2013

    :thumb: exactly. i feel blessed that i am at a point in my life where i'm not letting V make me doubt myself as a good friend or chastizing myself for getting close to someone. friendships run the risk of hurting you but theres so much good that can come from them, i plan to continue risking it.

    i am working on putting space between myself and negative people (by which i mean people who are unhappy all the time, not bummed out or going through rough patches).

    thanks ms. I. i dont believe all friendships end over jealousy. i actually feel i am more guilty of underselling myself than being a ''center of attention, braggy'' kind of chick. we grow and change. sometimes we grow together with friends. sometimes we grow apart. in this case, it seems the latter and that's okay.:)
     
  38. TeacherShelly

    TeacherShelly Aficionado

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2006
    Messages:
    3,565
    Likes Received:
    0

    Aug 5, 2013

    From what you've written, your friend needs to talk with someone professional in my opinion. When your friends couple-up and you don't it can be distressing, no doubt. I know when I got together with my husband his single friends joked about how he was never around anymore. It was a joke because they were happy for him finding someone, but they were also wishful that they would find someone. Lashing out with anger toward a friend who is re-balancing her life is not ok. In my opinion! It's about how you will and won't be treated.
     

Share This Page

Members Online Now

  1. North Fork
Total: 277 (members: 2, guests: 260, robots: 15)
test