Is it illegal to bury my husband's XBox and controllers in a shallow grave?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Em_Catz, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 28, 2014

    :help:

    I am frustrated/angry/sad because my DH is letting video games trump studying. There's a long (like 2 or 3 day) exam he's supposed to be studying for and if he passes the exam, he'll get a raise at work, possibly a promotion, and he'll have the credentials to either start his own business or do consulting work if he chooses.

    And yet, he never studies despite having had the necessary materials since December '13. I've honestly only seen him listening to the lectures 3 times (and even then he might've just had the headphones on and really been surfing the internet while listening to music).

    It frustrates me even more because I am in grad school and even during the school year, he saw me putting some work into my studies EVERYDAY. Whenever I try to talk to him about studying he gets upset and says he feels like he never gets time to relax.

    I honestly believe he's addicted to gaming because he manages to find 3 - 5 hours each weeknight (longer on weekends if we don't have plans) to game. One time his XBox was malfunctioning, so he downloaded the SAME GAME on his PC and started playing it there.:eek:

    I think it's really irresponsible that he stays up so late each night (knowing full well he has to go to work) playing video games. He may be playing longer than I think because when i go to bed around midnight, 99.9999% if the time he's still on the XBox. Some nights he plays so long that he doesn't even make it to bed, rather he falls asleep on the couch. :mad:

    Take yesterday for instance. He went to work, then called to let me know he and the guys were going to their favorite bar and wouldn't be home until after midnight. Sounds like a great way to end the work week and blow off some steam. Surely Saturday he'll crack down and do some studying right? :rolleyes:

    Saturday (today) he sleeps until Noon, gets up, eats lunch and watched a half hour t.v. show with me, then starts putting on his headset to play video games.

    I asked him when was he planning to study and suddenly he's got a headache and needs to take 2 tylenol. I go into the office to work on my paper. It's quiet (so I assume he was studying) for all of 20 minutes then I hear him talking to someone and when i peek out the office door he's got his headset on laughing and talking to his friend as they play video games. :banghead:

    Keep in mind, the friends he plays with are mostly guys he knows from college who DIDN'T graduate, aren't married/don't have girlfriends and have low paying jobs rather than careers. Those guys ALWAYS are free to play. That should be a red flag there. :mad:

    I am fed up and I know that when I start to talk to him if he's even the slightest bit resistant to my concerns, that I am going to snap at him because I'm that annoyed. :help:
     
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  3. ecteach

    ecteach Devotee

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    Jun 28, 2014

    My husband used to be the same way. He doesn't play the games so much anymore. I'm really not sure why. But, it would frustrate me to no end as well. If you bury them he will just go out and buy more. :cool: It is an annoying habit. Good luck.
     
  4. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    OHHH at first i thought it said you wanted to bury your husband in a shallow grave :lol:

    How many times have you talked to him about this. I know with my husband I would just probably keep mentioning it but there's nothing you can really do with a grown adult. They have to want to do it.
     
  5. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    Jun 28, 2014

    lol NY. I can see how you'd think that. But being serious, I don't really know how to approach him about it. A few weeks ago after he fell asleep on the couch four nights in a row from a gaming binge, I finally confronted him about my frustration.

    We got into a big argument during which he ripped the XBOX and cords out their plugs, shoved it into a bag and said "FINE I WON'T PLAY ANYMORE!"

    When we both cooled off, we talked and I said I wanted him to be able to do gaming since he enjoys it, but there needs to be limits and control. So he agreed to come to bed every night and to cut himself off at 10:00.

    That lasted all of a week. :(

    I haven't had a sit down with him, but I have repeatedly reminded him how important it is to study, that we can study together, that once we get a house and have a child we'll be super busy so we need to try to work on our education now, etc.

    Maybe counseling is our only option?
     
  6. Upsadaisy

    Upsadaisy Moderator

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    Jun 28, 2014

    Crazy to think that such a thing as computer gaming could cause a couple to go to counseling, right? But, it sure could be an addiction. Too bad he isn't your child; at least you'd be able to set limits for him. Not much you can do for a spouse except make your own needs known and see how he reacts. Hang in there. Or get an annoying habit of your own that infringes on his time!
     
  7. Ima Teacher

    Ima Teacher Maven

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    Jun 28, 2014

    I've never been around a gamer until I started seeing my current guy. He has an xbox in his den and his living room. He was showing me some of his game the last time I was at his house. They make me motion sick. He really seemed to be enjoying himself, though. It doesn't seem like he lets the gaming get in the way of anything he should be doing, though.

    I think it's way beyond just fun from what you describe here. Does sound like he needs limits.
     
  8. TeacherNY

    TeacherNY Phenom

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    Maybe he would agree to using a timer? Let him pick the amount of time and then set it. When it *DINGS* time is up. DONE for the day/night. It does sound like it's taking over his life since from what you describe all he does is go to work, hang out with friends, and play games...or am I not reading correctly.
     
  9. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Neither my BF nor myself are big gamers at all, but I've had an XBox for a long time. I finally got myself an XBox 360 this past Christmas & believe it or not, I haven't played on it yet & we're halfway through the year! My BF's played a couple times on his brother's when he's gone to visit him, but that's it.
     
  10. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    I don't recommend waiting until things get out of hand before you have to "confront" him. I mean, I guess I feel like a conversation should be good enough. "Honey, it seems to me like you're playing too many video games. I'd appreciate it if you could cut back and limit your games to an hour per day (or whatever)."

    I also don't recommend repeated reminders about what he needs to be doing. That is nagging. He knows what he needs to be doing. You're not his mom. If he can't get his act together and study, then he will have to face the natural consequence of failing his tests. Unfortunately that will impact you as a family, but I don't see how you can force him into doing something that is really all on him.

    What he pulling this sort of baloney before you were married? How did you two handle disagreements before you were married? Did you discuss how you would handle them during your marriage?

    My hoosband likes video games, too. He's also not a child and can manage to enjoy them in such a way and quantity that doesn't impact my life, though.
     
  11. agdamity

    agdamity Fanatic

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    I will agree that you can't nag him into studying. The more you fuss at him for playing games, the more likely he is to dig his heels in and play more. Instead of focusing on the lack of studying, could you try focusing on how his gaming is taking away from quality couple time?
     
  12. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    Jun 28, 2014

    He sounds like he has a serious addiction. I hope you can wait for the house and child until he is able to get this under control.
     
  13. Caesar753

    Caesar753 Multitudinous

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    Good point. I wouldn't be making any major life changes (baby or house) until his behavior and the way you two handle disagreements gets worked out.
     
  14. teachinnola

    teachinnola Rookie

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    I am also wondering how you handled this before the marriage. Presumably he has been doing this for a while. My husband is a gamer. Sometimes I play with him, but usually he plays without me. I don't mind because he never puts gaming before me, work, or really any activity/chore/project. We always go to bed together around 9:30 (he doesn't go to work until a couple hours after me). I think you need to sit down and have a conversation where you really talk about the way gaming is making you feel, the broken promise he made, the impact it's having on your marriage, and set some expectations.
     
  15. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jun 28, 2014

    Sorry, I have no idea how you can get your husband to change. Someone can talk till their blue in the face, but the other person has to be the one to change.
     
  16. sue35

    sue35 Habitué

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    Jun 28, 2014

    I would separate the gaming from the studying because it is two different problems really. Is he confident he will pass the test? If so, maybe he doesn't need to study that much. If his only option in his eyes is to either game or study I can see why he doesn't want to stop. I would focus on him gaming less and doing other things with you or friends.
     
  17. gr3teacher

    gr3teacher Phenom

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    First thing I'd do is make sure it's as bad as you actually think it is. My significant other has accused me of gaming for 2-3 hours a day... only to realize that I don't play at all from Monday-Friday, and then I do play a couple hours on Saturday and Sunday. Make sure your biases aren't getting in the way.

    Once you've done that, make sure HE realizes how bad it is. "You spent so-and-so hours playing video games this week, do you really think that's healthy?"

    From there, figure out mutually what a fair amount of time would be. Remind him that... well... he's an adult and probably doesn't really have enough time to be competitive with online games.
     
  18. 4815162342

    4815162342 Companion

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    Jun 28, 2014

    My ex husband was very similar. He'd stay up all night and then go to work late or not go to work at all the next day.
    It was a deal breaker for me, along with a mess of other things, hence him being my ex husband.
    Luckily my new bf isn't a video game fan.
    I think you need to tell him everything you posted in the original post. Tell him how you feel, what you think it is doing to your relationship and future. If he doesn't agree, then you need to go from there.
     
  19. 3Sons

    3Sons Enthusiast

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    Um... no, it's not illegal ;)

    But it's probably not the best way to handle it. I'd suggest repetition of your core message: that games don't need to be eliminated, but they need to be limited.

    If he develops a habit of making lists of things he has to do first before the games, it may help.

    Games can indeed be fun, and can also be extremely time-consuming. It's a little unclear to me from your post whether it's really detrimental to his life so far (except for his relationship with you, of course). You mention he doesn't seem to be prioritizing studying, but that doesn't tell me how he's actually performing in the class. And falling asleep on the couch while playing games isn't really worse than falling asleep on the couch reading or doing anything else (well, except for the waste of electricity).

    It might work better if he can only start after a certain time, rather than finish at a certain time. If he starts after 10 pm, he might stay awake until 2 am -- but if it starts making him tired during the day it will put a natural limit on it (you can only stay up until 2 so many nights until you start nodding off earlier).
     
  20. bros

    bros Phenom

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    Some people get motion sick with console games due to the low field of view in console games - it is rectified easily on a PC, as the field of view can be raised from something restrictive (like 70) to something better (like 90), which has been shown to help reduce motion sickness when playing games.

    I'm wondering if he is pouring time into gaming to avoid studying for the test - perhaps he is anxious/nervous about it?

    Some people have difficulty maintaining the balance of gaming and other activities. I have nothing to do now except check district sites/job sites for listings, so in the past 14 days, I have played at least 85 hours of games - or around 6 hours a day. That doesn't include my general internet browsing or other such activities, however.

    When I was student teaching, I would play maybe 1-2 hours a day, and like 3 hours a day on the weekend.
     
  21. Em_Catz

    Em_Catz Devotee

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    That's the thing, we've had other issues in the past but been able to resolve them by talking and compromising. It always works out. This is the only issue that we keep butting heads on because gaming is SO important to him. I think it's a crutch because when he first went to college he didn't know anyone, so he used gaming as a means to make friends. They developed a whole gamer's community of about 25 guys and girls, many of whom have gone on to great things. Those are the ones who don't play much. However, the few that didn't graduate are the main ones who my husband plays with. He also used to compete in competitions on campus and took a lot of pride in gaming.

    It's understood that he enjoys it and when we met and dated, he played games some, but it seems like he gradually increased until now it seems like full blown addiction.

    I like the idea of a timer and also sitting down w/a counselor b/c we had the talk today and he was apologetic but i doubt he can cut back on his gaming anymore than an alcoholic can cut back their drinking w/o intervention.

    He may also benefit from talking to a counselor b/c maybe he is having issues i dont know about which is why his gaming is increasing.

    Thank u all for the thoughtful responses and help.
     
  22. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Phenom

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    I haven't seen anyone mention the view that this gaming could be avoidance of studying. My first thought was "sounds like passive aggressive avoidance to me". Sweets doesn't play video games, but he does spend hours every evening on his laptop reading and responding to FB and various blogs, looking up whatever is striking his fancy at the moment etc. There have been times when necessary chores like mowing the lawn or whatever don't get done because he is "relaxing". I understand long days at work, but I also know this is avoidance of unpleasant activities to a certain degree. Maybe the conversation you need to have is about how badly he wants to pass this test.
     

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