Is he suddenly talking to me because he's in Iraq and lonely?

Discussion in 'Teacher Time Out' started by Teacher_Lyn, Jul 20, 2009.

  1. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    Jul 20, 2009

    my ex-fiance didn't call me before he left to go to Iraq (which hurt my feelings because he came to visit me in April and we had a nice time. then he leaves for Iraq two weeks later and doesn't even tell me)

    anyway, i sent him an email saying to be safe and how were things in Iraq, etc etc. It was maybe 5 paragraphs long. He sent me back a two sentence response. So I left him alone.

    Didn't hear anything from him for a couple months.

    Then, on a whim, I sent him an email at the beginning of July to tell him Michael Jackson had passed. I told him I was in grad school, apologized for a mean text message I had sent him and told him to stay safe.

    Two weeks go by. I heard nothing. Therapist told me that he wasn't in love with me, to leave him alone. That he had moved on. That was July 13.

    On July 18, he emailed me back, apologized for responding so late. Said it was hard to get to a computer and he had limited time. He said he couldn't find my profile on facebook and what was up with that. (i had blocked him, but he didn't know)

    I lied and said it must have been a glitch and to send me a friend request and I'd put him back on.

    He did. Then he instant messaged me the next morning. I was away from my keyboard, so I didn't respond.

    I sent him an email saying, "My bad. sorry i missed your im. what's the time difference in iraq?"

    He messaged me back and said 7 hours then told me he's coming to visit my state next month. He wasn't sure what days yet, but he'd be in touch to let me know.

    What the H-ll? I still have feelings for him and it's getting me all nervous and I feel kinda icky inside knowing he's coming here.

    Mom tells me not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't feel like I should take him seriously because, I mean, he was in Iraq. He's probably just lonely right? I can't assume that he still is in love with me.

    I am thinking about not seeing him or being "busy" (ie: not answering my phone or just pretending that i have classes and can't find time to be with him) but my friend said that's mean because he's been in Iraq and through a lot.

    If he wants to see me, she said I should see him because he could die anyday out there in the fields.
     
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  3. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jul 20, 2009

    This is one of those situations that is so hard comment on because we don't know your history together...

    So just a few weeks ago you were initiating contact with him, but now you're planning on avoiding him when he comes home...because he didn't respond back in a timely manner? I suppose there's more to it than that? You blocked him from your Facebook so there must be something significant I'm missing, and I apologize if you've discussed it previously and I don't remember.

    Regarding the visit, couldn't he just want to visit as friends? And if so, is that okay with you?

    Also, the advice that you should see him because he's been in Iraq...I don't quite agree with that. I love the men and women who are in his position and I can't imagine a day in their shoes, but it's not a reason to see someone if you don't want to. Anyone could die any moment...is that reason to see someone if you don't want to see them? That sounds really heartless, but I hope people understand my logic.
     
  4. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    Jul 20, 2009


    No need to apologize. what happened was we were supposed to get married last August but I think it was too much at one time, and I ended up calling it off. (too much = i moved across country, i couldn't find a job because Texas was having a new teacher hiring freeze, I exhusted all my savings helping him pay the mortgage for our house, we only had one car which meant I was stranded at home everyday b/c he needed the car to drive to the base and they wouldn't let me back on to pick him up in the evenings, it was our first time living together, all our family and friends were 24 hours away on the East Coast, we were trying to plan a wedding long distance that my parents were paying for, his Mom was pressuring me to get pregnant, etc)

    I blocked him on Facebook because when we broke up, I was scared he'd get another girlfriend and it'd be hard for me to know.

    I still have feelings for him. I am in love with him. I want to be back together with him. But I'm scared he doesn't have those feelings for me anymore and only wants to see me because he's been in Iraq and any familar face will do.

    That's why I was thinking of not seeing him because it'll be so hard when he leaves for Iraq again. :(
     
  5. JustMe

    JustMe Virtuoso

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    Jul 20, 2009

    Okay, that helps.

    If he contacts you and asks to meet up, I would. Not because you owe it to him or because he's been in Iraq, but because you are in love with him and you need to know, for your sanity, where things stand. Of course it would be painful to rekindle your relationship only to have him leave once more, but love doesn't come without sacrifice. If I loved him, I would rather have him with me physically sometimes and emotionally all the time instead of nothing.

    :hugs:
    Good luck.
     
  6. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    thank you. :hugs:please keep me in your prayers. i'm so scared i'm going to mess up or end up hurt again. or maybe he wants to see me to tell me he has a new girlfriend or is getting married or something.
     
  7. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Yes, it's obvious that you still love him. My mom told me never to feel sorry for a man. If he's in Iraq & lonely, that's on him. Does that mean you have to be waiting in the wings for his every text, call, etc.?

    Do you think he's sending you mixed signals? Has he ever said lately that he still loves you? It seems to me he contacts you or sees you because you're there.

    I agree w/ your therapist. Don't put yourself through this agony. I know, it's easier sad than done, but occupy yourself w/ other things. I know, that may be easier said than done too.

    How long ago have you two broken up?

    BTW, I dated a guy in the military. We were dating a while before he enlisted. I remember those agonizing mos of boot camp. I'm sure he wrote & called me when he could, which wasn't often as far as calls, but we wrote a lot. Then, he had to go to the base like every other weekend I think. I don't think I'd want to actually marry someone in the military. It's pretty rough.
     
  8. FarFromHome

    FarFromHome Connoisseur

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    Jul 21, 2009

    I don't know, that's tough! Speaking from current experience, I don't like the military lifestyle at all. It's just stressful to deal with. But none of us really know you well enough to tell you what to do. Good luck with everything.
     
  9. TeacherSandra

    TeacherSandra Enthusiast

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    I can only wish you the best, TeacherLyn. :hugs:
    I don't know what to say.
     
  10. teacherintexas

    teacherintexas Maven

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    Jul 21, 2009

    If he is in Iraq, it might not just being lonely that made him contact you. He is probably seeing life/death situations and maybe he has had time to reflect and wants to change things.

    But I don't know that for sure.
     
  11. ku_alum

    ku_alum Aficionado

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    Jul 21, 2009

    I think you are only going to get the answers you are looking for from 2 places: your heart, and his actions.

    All of the questions you have do not have to be answered at 1 time, either. Gray areas are tough, black and white (yes/no) is much easier, but love isn't that way sometimes. Living with the unknown for awhile may be necessary.

    If you feel vulnerable and not capable of making healthy relationship decisions, I say stay away from him until your head is clear.
     
  12. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Jul 21, 2009

    Please don't send him nasty emails or texts while he is in Iraq- he has plenty onhis mind and dealing with text drama isn't really what he needs to be doing. If he texts you, keep it light and breezy, be encouraging. You can decide when he's in your area whether to see him or not-don't decide on email.
     
  13. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    I agree, wholeheartedly, with Czacza. Please don't do anything that will take his concentration, even for a minute, from what he's doing. One tiny lapse could kill a lot of people.

    I can't help seeing this from his point of view.

    You cancel the wedding and move away, and prevent him from getting in touch with you. Then you initiate contact, and get snarky when he doesn't reply-- and snarky via email while he's in a war zone, no less. (He's a soldier in a war-- his computer time is very limited, and I imagine his first prioirites are his parents, close friends and anyone who hasn't blocked him on facebook.)

    So he eventually gets in touch with you, and you're questioning his motives?

    It seems to me that, no matter what he does, he can't win. The rules seem to change a lot in this relationship, and he doesn't seem to have a say in what they are. Maybe he still loves you, but is afraid of getting dumped again. Or he's over you, but simply can't figure out what this "relationship" is-- are you friends? more than friends? polite former fiances? He's in a war zone, and simply does not have the time to figure all this out.
     
  14. McKennaL

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    Jul 21, 2009

    You mention a therapist... i would say that he/she would be the best one to talk this out with...since they know what you have been through and know the goals that you have set for yourself.

    Wishing you the best.
     
  15. nayelismom

    nayelismom Rookie

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    Jul 21, 2009

    First, I must respond to a couple of comments about "military" life. I'm a proud military wife. The life is not difficult. Yes, we move. Yes, my husband is gone for a month or months at a time. But I have friends out in the business world whose husband leave FAR more often and move to new states as well due to business restructuring. Once the soldiers are in their solid jobs, they are able to communicate more often than when they are in basic training and school. In Iraq, they have 30 minutes at a time on computers and phones in order to be fair to others who are waiting but they can get back on the waiting list. It's waaayyy better there NOW than it was in the beginning of the war. I'm not saying that it's a good place to be by any means but it's not as bad as it was. Anyway...

    Your best bet would be to ask him what he's feeling instead of asking us or your therapist. If you guys were close enough to get married at one point, then hopefully you had open communication and could still talk about this. It's important for closure. Or maybe the beginning of something new...
     
  16. TeacherSandra

    TeacherSandra Enthusiast

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    It really helps when we try to see it from the other person's point of view. Alice has hit the nail on the head.
    You may be hurting and confused right now, TLyn, but, give him some space. It'll both be good for the two of you. :hugs:
     
  17. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    i appreciate all the advice, but I feel I MUST address this because several people have said it. I did not send him a snarky email while he was in Iraq.

    When he left my state and went back to Texas, I didn't hear from him for a week. My girlfriends convinced me to go out with them and have drinks and I got drunk. I ended up drunk text messaging him. It wasn't snarky, but honest.

    ie: "i don't understand why you can't forgive me. you forgive everyone else so easily -- your Dad for physically and mentally abusing you; your Mom for stealing from you; your best friend for shutting you out her life for three years.

    But when it comes to ME, the one person who has stuck by you through thick and thin and you want nothing to do with me. You go back to Texas, you don' call to say your plane landed safely. A week goes by, I don't hear from you.



    I sent this message BEFORE he went to Iraq. Like several days before ad I didn't even know he was leaving for Iraq until I emailed him asking if he'd left and he said, "I'm already there"
     
  18. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    My apologies if I've misread your situation. This is what led me to think you been what I called "snarky."
     
  19. mollydoll

    mollydoll Connoisseur

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    My best advice is for you to examine ways to remove the drama from your relationships. Whatever the situation.

    At this point, it seems like your best solution is to get together with him if you both agree and have an honest discussion. Why keep second guessing?
     
  20. Teaching Grace

    Teaching Grace Connoisseur

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    If he is the reason you are seeing a therapist, definitely do not see him! It's fine to talk to him occasionally. But definitely do not wear your heart on your sleeve. You can and will find someone else who isn't going to jerk you around.
     
  21. GoehringTeaches

    GoehringTeaches Comrade

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    I agree with this. We will never know or understand what happens to them in Iraq.
     
  22. Mrs. Q

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    I didn't read all the responses... But here's my two cents.

    My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me the week before he went to Basic, with barely a goodbye. Then a few weeks later, I get a 5 page letter with him apologizing. After we were married, he was in Iraq a year, so I have a little experience with what goes on.

    There could be a few options here... He called things off because he knew he was leaving and tried to push you away, once he got away he finally realized how much you meant to him, or he's just 'bored' and wants someone to talk to while he's so far from home. It's really hard to say. I know that in my husband's case, he got away from all the day-to-day stuff and had some time to think - about us, about the prospect of going to combat, and he realized that he had made a mistake and really wanted to be with me. Of course I can't know if that's your situation. I *will* say that communication is scarce over there and sometimes the guys truly are so busy that they can only write a few sentences, or not write at all for weeks at a time. My DH was great about calling and I once went almost 3 weeks without so much as a one-word e-mail.

    I would say just take things slowly. Talk to him if that's what you want to do, see him when he comes home on leave. Try not to have any expectations, since circumstances are so strained right now. If you want to try to pursue a relationship with him, then I would be straightforward and ask him what he expects and what he wants from this.
     
  23. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    2 BIG mistakes:
    drinking and texting
    slamming his family and friends

    Stay positive in any further emails/texts with him- he has enough drama on his hands in Iraq.
     
  24. WindyCityGal606

    WindyCityGal606 Enthusiast

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    I think you really need to have a heart to heart with him when he comes to visit. I didn't see it mentioned but I hope you're not being intimate with him on these visits. This could just lead to more mixed feelings. He's in Iraq and in stressful situations. Yes, I can see that he would call you and get friendly right before it's time for a visit. Ultimately, the decision is yours of course but remember that you need to be prepared for whatever may come. Be strong and do things for the right reason.
     
  25. FarFromHome

    FarFromHome Connoisseur

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    I'm the one who said that military life is difficult-and I am also a military wife. Everyone is going to view situations differently. For me, it's really difficult. My biggest thing is being away from my family. I have a little brother and sisters who are going into 3rd, 5th, and 6th grade. I have barely seen them at all the past two years-I'm missing everything! I hate it. I'm very close with my mom and I don't like being 20 hours away. I really need that support from my family. It's also difficult for my husband because of some of the people he works with. There are situations that could be a lot worse, but it's being away from everyone that bothers me.
     
  26. swansong1

    swansong1 Virtuoso

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    This could give rise to another thread altogether :whistle:

    If you do feel the need to eventually get back with him, you may want to consider the relationship with his parents, also.
     
  27. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    I think the answers have to come from him. Nobody knows his motives and the emails or lack of communication there of while he is in Iraq is not a good indication of anything. It could mean a bunch of things. My HUSBAND knows he has to make the effort to call as much as possible. It was still hard for him to do so and he was a civilian in Afghanistan. I was frustrated but I knew he was making every effort. If the relationship is in turmoil (and that goes both ways...you did break it off and he may be weary too) then that effort may not be as strong as it would be if you were completely committed. Do not completely judge his actions on a few emails. You could very well be reading the situation wrong but you could very well miss an opportunity.

    It may hurt. It probably will hurt. You still owe it to yourself to find out. Do so though with the knowledge that you are seeking that information rather than assuming you are back together.
     
  28. lemonhead

    lemonhead Aficionado

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    Why don't you just ask him what his expectations are when he sees you? Do this by phone.

    Once you have that information, talk to your therapist about what you should do.
     
  29. Grammy Teacher

    Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

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    What has this man done wrong? I am confused.
     
  30. Aliceacc

    Aliceacc Multitudinous

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    response deleted, I changed my mind.
     
  31. Teacher_Lyn

    Teacher_Lyn Companion

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    he's done nothing wrong grammy. neither have i. i was just curious what other people's opinions of his motivations were for suddenly starting to talk to me again.

    it may seem selfish, but my first thoughts are about me because when our wedding was cancelled, i was heart broken and became severely depressed. i couldn't do my job properly, i couldn't sleep, i wasn't eating and i would randomly break out into tears and my heart would hurt.

    after several months of this, i went to a therapist and started taking medication.

    anyone that has THAT much power over my feelings, i have to be careful with dealing with.
     
  32. chemteach55

    chemteach55 Connoisseur

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    Maybe I do not get it and I am really not trying to be mean or belittle your situation but you said that you broke off the engagement and from other posts, you seem fixated on finding a boyfriend and being in a relationship. Why did you break off this relationship? Was there a problem with the relationship? Was there a problem with this guy? Do you love him but were overwealmed at the time? If the last question applies, then maybe the two of you can work this out. Maybe you need to discover yourself first and a relationship should not be on your mind right now--and I talking about any relationship.
     
  33. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    :love: Woah Lyn, I know this happens to some people after a break-up, but I cannot personally fathom all this happening over a break-up. I believe you of course. I guess I don't understand how a person can have this kind of "power" so to speak, over anyone.

    You state that "anyone that has THAT much power over my feelings, i have to be careful with dealing with." It's because YOU allow someone to have this effect over you.

    Were you the one who said that you had a not-so-good childhood regarding how your parents were? It usually always stems from childhood & that's how people either have low, good, or high self-esteem. But I know you know this.

    I'm really interested in knowing what strategies your therapist instructs you to implement to get this man out of your mind & life. My undergrad major was psych, turned behavioral science & I was interested in being a psychologist at one time, which is why I'm interested in knowing what this therapist is going to tell you.

    Please keep us updated or if you'd rather not publicly say what the therapist says, you can PM me! :love:
     
  34. CanukTeacher

    CanukTeacher Comrade

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    I have lots of friends in the military and while Canadians aren't in Iraq when they are overseas they have lots of access to phones, etc - although less so if they are young because they are more likely in outposts if they are young. So I'd be a little nervous around a guy who only sometimes wants to talk to me. I do think there are aspects of being married to a military guy that are hard. That is why I chose not to date guys in the forces. I know I couldn't act they way Czza is suggesting. I couldn't put all my feelings aside and act nice if I was upset with my significant other. I'd make a horrible military wife.

    I also think that guys overseas are human too and they can be mean too, so to suggest that their wives, girlfriends don't have a right to express when they are upset is unfair. I've had my share of girlfriends deal with unfaithful men who hide behind being overseas as an excuse for their distance.

    So long story short I think it could mean anything and you probably need to either decide to walk away or take the time to talk to him. Having been through a break up that made me loose a ton of weight and feel depressed for a good year, I sympathize Lyn.
     
  35. czacza

    czacza Multitudinous

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    Canuk- I was a military wife- a very proud one, very supportive and darn good at that kind of life...this man is in a WAR ZONE.... There is no current defined relationship with this person- he's probably lonely in Iraq and gave her a call...that warrants SUPPORT and understanding, not unloading feelings, questionning his motives...It's not unfair-it's the right thing to do...
     
  36. TeacherSandra

    TeacherSandra Enthusiast

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    I'm a bit confused as well.

    I wish you well, TLynn.
     
  37. cutNglue

    cutNglue Magnifico

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    I think your fears are natural. You are afraid of getting hurt again. I just don't think you can judge him based on the emails or lack of. There is a lot that happened and he may be just as hesitant as you are. That doesn't mean it can't work out. Nor does that mean it will. You have to decide if it is a risk you are willing to take or not.
     
  38. msmullenjr

    msmullenjr Devotee

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    There is no right answer here. If I were you, I would see him. There is nothing worse then always wondering what if. You should have a time limit on the meeting though, like lunch and you have somewhere to be at 2 or 3. Be honest and let him know that it might be too difficult for you to just be friends right now, its too soon.
     
  39. Peachyness

    Peachyness Virtuoso

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    Jul 23, 2009

    Lynn, I've read a few posts from you asking for advice about men (there were about three I think???). From what I read, you sound like a very sweet and caring person who is going through a lot right now. this is not meant to be mean or anything, just advice on what I think you should do.

    I think you need to "give up" on men for right now. Stop dating or worrying about dating. You need to take care of yourself and get back to a stable life, stable emotions. Take up a fun hobby, do some yoga, read some books, anything to find out who LYNN IS!!! Once you feel comfortable being who you are and LOVE yourself, then start dating again.
     
  40. Ms. I

    Ms. I Maven

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    Jul 23, 2009

    I remember all your previous posts as well & I must say I actually agree 100%.
     

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